Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

The examples I gave were very low level things and if you think he’s not “guiding” them properly by letting them have that extra biscuit during their fortnight visit that’s up to you. But IMO that’s the least of his worries. The real issue is the fact he doesn’t see his kids enough - for bedtime stories, hugs, dinner, emotional support, homework help and general daily chit chat.

It’s sad to me that my friend, the stepmom in this situation, doesn’t care about all the things his (nice polite) kids miss out on. But she chose to pick holes about “his kids getting away with things” when we all know her kids are way better off overall getting to live with their Dad.

You say they shouldn’t be treated differently, but they already are and that is the whole point. One set of kids “visit” their Dad twice a month, the others live with their Dad and have daily meals, bedtimes etc with them. This is the reality. Fairness doesn't always mean treating people the exact same in every situation when their circumstances are in fact different.

Discipline of children past a certain age to some extent is by consent - that consent is gained partly through developing a close relationship with them. Therefore, if you see your children so rarely that they don’t have a close relationship with you (and you also don’t financially provide for them) then IMO it figures you’ll feel less comfortable to discipline as you would have done before you left them for their mother to raise alone.

To be clear, I’m in no way saying it’s ideal for a man to leave his young kids in the first place and leave his ex to deal with the majority of child rearing. But once he has, these are the consequences.

That aside, even if you don’t agree with any of the above - fine. People will have different viewpoint on this but someone chose to misrepresent what I said by insinuating I said it’s fine not to discipline at all when in no way did I say that. And that is what I was challenging in my last two replies.

If you broke up and he got sole custody, how you feel having your children twice a week for tea and every other weekend?

He is/wants to be involved in his child’s life. If you two ever split, you know he will continue being a good dad to all of his children, surely if he couldn’t be bothered with his first born that would make you wonder how he could ever treat his child that way?

It sounds like he can’t win here. You have ‘your’ family time on the other 5 days of the week and for a full weekend in between.

What's the "trying everyday" was he trying to get DSS round every day?

Mum is single, right.

He sounds like a good dad to his first son. Not to his other children particularly, and not a good husband to his now wife. DH is the one that needs to step up here, DH is the one that needs to make sure he is considering everyone's feelings. DH is the one that needs to put the work in to make DS1 part of this family and accepted and equal - he needs to work hard at the relationships in his family and foster good will between them, not just think that having the child physically in his home more will be enough. It is DH's job to make this work, if he was doing a better job of it I suspect much of this resentment and upset would disappear.

When you met your partner 7 years ago, you already knew he had 2 yo son, knowing that what could it mean for the future too. Please accept him as he’s part of your family 🥰

Whose fault is it he doesn't see his kids enough? Unless the step mum has made the custody agreement why on earth is her job to accept different standards without question?

The consequences you speak of seem to be because of the decisions he and his ex have made. They don't live with him, they 'visit' him only occasionally - that is unfortunate but nothing to do with the step mum. She and the other children have to deal with the fallout and you're criticising her and only her - and she's not allowed to have an opinion on it because she has the privilege of sleeping under the same roof?

To be clear, the children on either side are not at fault here. I understand they want to be with their dad and feel loved by him. But he's made these choices

Yeah, but she didn't know the children she'd have would become second class citizens, and that's the problem.

Some separated fathers need to accept they are separated fathers, and will therefore have less time with ‘first family’ children than if they were still with the mother.

Such men then go on to have second families, but these families also need their time and attention.

Why would you get with a man with a one year old? I certainly wouldn't think much of a man who left his family and baby. Nor would i think much of a woman who got with a man who still has a 1 year old.

Your husband is as much a father to his first born son as he is to any subsequent children that you have with him. It's actually heartbreaking the thought of a childs presence being resented.

Your whole post is about wanting your DH to spend time with your children but when you "broke up for 2 weeks" you thought him seeing them once a week was more than enough. You can't have it both ways, either you want him to spend time with them or you don't.

women who have second family children with men who are already fathers, the new female partner & dad need to an accommodate and make time for first families. People leave partners they shouldn’t leave their children because you met someone new

all the families need time & attention . Second family doesn’t trump first family.

if you get together with a man or woman with children you need to accommodate that. If you subsequently go on to have second family, you stretch, you accommodate both families

Yes yes and yes.
He's a child.

Your husband is doing the right thing. You are being petty and vile.

And first family doesn't trump second family.

Agree. You stretch and accommodate. If you get together with a parent with kids you don’t have exclusive only your family time. You have to try make it work,accept compromises. Accept events like birthday, Christmas etc need planning and compromises. You stretch and compromise to accommodate 2 families and multiple needs, that’s self evident when you get together with a man with kids. If you feel the street and compromise isn’t for you then don’t get together with a man with kids

But no one is trumping anyone here. OP objects to her DP having an EOW and couple of days a week relationship with his eldest child.

So in a month he spends approx 8 tea times and 4 days with his child and you believe that is enough? I’d expect FaceTime and lots of it.

Would you accept spending less than 12 days a month with your children and somebody whinging about it?

You knew he had a child and that’s what you signed up for. Get a grip and get on with having THREE children.

Hmmm... No, but from the sound of this second family kids live with their dad and mum 24/7 and she is upset that his first child (and arguably his first responsibility) gets to spend less than 50% of his time with his dad...
🤔

@Sky1248 being unreasonable. Her partner is resident and available to his new family new kids. His first son gets EOW and calls that’s really not an onerous imposition. An adult resentful or jealous of a child isn’t healthy and inevitably it’ll sow division. A creeping sense of unfairness will develop and taint the relationship. This is fixable of @Sky1248 chose to be gracious and accepting

Do you think it's better if a couple stay unhappily together just because they have a 1 year old together?

Anyway, he may not have left his family and baby, his ex-wife may have left him

If you get together with a parent with kids you don’t have exclusive only your family time. You have to try make it work,accept compromises. Accept events like birthday, Christmas etc need planning and compromises. You stretch and compromise to accommodate 2 families and multiple needs, that’s self evident when you get together with a man with kids. If you feel the street and compromise isn’t for you then don’t get together with a man with kids

But it shouldn’t be the OP making all the compromises. The father should ensure that his second family also get time and attention, which means there are times when it’s actually ok not to invite the first-family children to everything. Those children also have a life at their mother’s house.

You say you've split up for a bit because DH sees his kid too much, even though it isn't actually that much really. If step child's mum dies, you know that they will come and live with you full time forever right? What would you do then?

Sorry OP, you are being U. A child will want to spend time with their father and their siblings my AC has 3 adult siblings and I am glad that we all encouraged them to develop their relationships with each other when young children.
Your SS is your family too. He deserves to be included and not just seen as a visitor.

@Sky1248 being unreasonable. Her partner is resident and available to his new family new kids. His first son gets EOW and calls that’s really not an onerous imposition

Speaking from experience, EOW can feel like a huge imposition when the remainder of time is spelt in some sort of ‘pilot light only’ manner, because the much-favoured first child isn’t here. The OP’s husband may be physically present with her and her children more, but it sounds like the quality time goes to DSS. I’m not surprised she’s fed up.

Read the bit were I say compromise & planning, that’s key. Communication & planning for mutually agreeable outcome

The math isn't mathing though. She thinks 2 teas a week and every other weekend is more than enough because (presumably) that prevents her husband from paying attention to other 2 children (according to her). Well she has 3 evenings a week and every other weekend exclusive for her 2 children. She should work with her husband on making the most out of those instead of going into petty-rant of oulling random accusations against a child ,such as he didn't want to go to circus with her (hello, I wouldn't either given her attitude ).