Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

It sounds like you are constantly trying to get rid of the child to accommodate your kids. What's wrong with him staying until 7pm? Like it or not, that child is part of your household even if he's not there all the time.

Why doesn't his dad have him 50-50?

I'd argue that she's actually resentful not of the time he spends with his son, but that he does it at the detriment of the family he has with her. And that DH is now trying to insist he comes to everything, whether it's his usual time to be with them or not and she's not allowed to have a say in that because people on here think she should buckle under any request, any time (when I'm sure they'd be annoyed about it too). She has a right to want to spend time with her DH and DC, she gets to have those feelings but everyone on here is making out she's a monster for them.

The situation regarding the first child has been created by his original parents, yet she's the one who is expected to sacrifice herself to accommodate everyone's feelings but her own.

@Sky1248 OP, every single update and example from you further demonstrates that your approach to this situation is unreasonable.
no one said its easy being a step parent. you have to be flexible. delaying bedtime by 30 minutes is not the end of the world.
you resent every little accommodation and consideration
he is nine! and children say all sorts of obnoxious, insensitive things. they are children. most likely he says those things because he picks up your negativity.
you don't need to regard him as your own, you don't need to even like him tbh. but you do need to take on the responsibility you accepted when you got together with his dad - which is to be kind to him, take him into account when making family decisions and occasionally caring for him. he is not an optional extra. and your husband will and should always prioritise him.

personally I think you will benefit from family therapy with your husband. we are just a bunch of strangers on the Internet, you need professional help if you really want things to change for the better.

Wow, way to go to minimise things!!!

The OP is coming across as jealous of and unwelcoming towards her husband's child!

If you think that's "fine", then that speaks volumes about you...

If you read OPs comments Im sure you know where she is coming from feeling underappreciated and left to deal with problems the child's mum cant be arsed working on. It's another "I am with a shitty man who wont stand up for me against an ex" problem that spills onto children.

You've only got the OP's assertion of that, and she is biased by her jealousy.

You'd have to be a pretty immature, self-centred person to deliberately exclude a 9 year old child! Plus she gets most of the week and EOW with her DH and bio kids!

And she should as their shared kids mum prioritise them. And I’m sorry but their bedtime in their house is a priority over the ex wife’s demands on return time. Why does the dad’s child have to come over and above their shared children? Why can’t the BM be flexible to accommodate the set up in their household. 7pm reasonable time for bed. Not like she’s putting kids to bed at 5pm and saying SS has to be gone by then. Majority want her to put her needs, her kids needs and her families needs below the step sons needs. No she doesn’t have to always come last. Think like most she has for some time and has now had enough.

Or why can't the OP and her DH be flexible, and put the kids to bed at 10 past 7??!!

OPs assertion of what?

Why should she? The step son is being accommodated in the week EOW why should the kids routine be disrupted. It seems there is not an established routine with step son just a casual agreement that needs to change. The kids have an established routine that should not change to accommodate the dad’s inability to put an agreement in with the BM re pick up and drop off times.

I think you should look at stepson as a bonus son and include him in all family events so that he and his siblings see it as a normal family thing. They should bond over the years and not have an us/them attitude but rather a we attitude. Behavior problems are a separate thing and should be addressed by your husband. You should however, give him reasonable corrections. Your stepson certainly owes you respect but you should treat him with love and kindness, in the same way that you would want your children to be treated by a step parent..

My DD's dad left when she was 2 and went on to have a new family with his new wife. They (he) constantly excluded her from family events and experiences like days out, holidays etc. which she didn't notice so much when she was younger but as she got older she definitely did - to the point where she started to ask me why her dad didn't love her as much as he did the other children and what was wrong with her. These feelings have been contributing factors to mental health issues over the years of very low self-esteem, including self-harm and suicide attempts. As a young adult she has now started to come to terms with the fact that her relationship with her father is not what her half-siblings have but it's not her fault. It's been a very long and difficult road.
Please try to see the message you are sending to this poor child by not including him and the effect it may have on him. I'm sure you would not want your own DC to be treated like this.
Your DH sounds like a fantastic father and my DD would have given anything for hers to be like that. Be grateful for him.

I'm the mum in this situation and my son spends time with dad, Stepmum and 2 younger half siblings.

Although it stings to read posts like this, you are entitled to feel the way you do and if you just stuff your feelings down, they will come out eventually.
If the son was amazingly kind,well behaved and loving and polite, would that change things? Or is it because it's just someone else's child which makes it difficult feel the same?

I think it says alot about your husband that he includes him so much when so many do not. I respect him for that and so glad to hear it. Yes it should be a given but it isn't always. Do you have any desire to build a bond with stepson? If you're too exhausted I totally get it. Maybe when your youngest is older it will be different. I imagine at this time it's just exhausting particularly if they aren't slotting in too well to all things.

Can you try put yourself in this kids shoes and understand all their fears regards their dad and another family he has. Because no matter what, this boy will feel this way. He will also sense your desire for him to be distanced as I imagine your partner may. I hate to say,this is what you signed up to as it won't take your feelings away but I do get confused when SMums expect this. I guess the change comes about when you have your own kids and this then triggers a sense of Cuckoo in the nest?!

If the child is being a brat there will be a reason for that and trying to find a way round it will hopefully help. If he feels totally loved and engaged by you I imagine any brattiness will stop. If he felt like he has an important role and was encouraged as big brother I feel that could help.

I wonder if you can be honest but tactful with your partner and express delicately some of your feelings yet a desire to change and improve that and ask for his help and advice as to how best to do it??

Good luck

I'd argue that she's actually resentful not of the time he spends with his son, but that he does it at the detriment of the family he has with her. And that DH is now trying to insist he comes to everything, whether it's his usual time to be with them or not and she's not allowed to have a say in that because people on here think she should buckle under any request, any time (when I'm sure they'd be annoyed about it too). She has a right to want to spend time with her DH and DC, she gets to have those feelings but everyone on here is making out she's a monster for them.

The situation regarding the first child has been created by his original parents, yet she's the one who is expected to sacrifice herself to accommodate everyone's feelings but her own.

@Eyeroll89 absolutely spot on

No!!

So many are misreading this from what you actually mean. Maybe if you had said over compensate.

Yes, he has to be parented, I don't think you're under any illusion of that. And that's what people are thinking you meant, with all their "well duh yes he has to look after his kid." That's pretty obvious.

No you do not have to roll out the red carpet forever more because the "poor" child has to live with mum and dad from age 1 because that's the hand they dealt him. People split up. He's spoiled at mum's, he's spoiled at yours. And what the hell for?? No, you can't be rude, over indulged, answer back, and generally act like Verucca Salt, in what seems to be absolute justification and entitlement simply because mum and dad don't sleep under the same roof. If they don't nip this in the bud, he's going to become an adult with the same qualities, and that's going to get him nowhere in the big wide real world. Maybe that ship has sailed but they need to at least try.

It's a very dangerous thing for a child to have other siblings but be led to believe the world solely revolves around them and others are beneath them. For everyone one involved.

Your children live with their dad and of course he feels his other child misses out on that. Nothing can replace that feeling of having dad at home. You want a nuclear family but you have a blended family and you need to deal with that as it’s the situation.

The OP’s experience is one of the reasons I decided not to have a child with DH. Anything that related to DSS was a complete circus, the bizarre visiting schedule, the bitter ex, the Dad Guilt, tiptoeing round DSS like he’s made of glass, for fear of upsetting him. Any further children would have ended up with the Golden Child’s crumbs and it wouldn’t have been fair.

Fast-forward 20 years and DSS has no respect for his father whatsoever

Your step son, is as much a part of his dad's life as your own sons.
You must have known he had a son when you first got together.
He sounds like a.great dad and wants him to be part of the family and his brothers lives.
I do understand you must feel frustrated, and stuck. You can't do right or wrong.
In a.few years your step.son will be at an age where he won't want to go everywhere with you and your boys, he'll be too busy with his friends.
Let your husband have this, it's not woth the arguments, and years to come when all.your boys have grown up, and they all have a close bond, hell thank you for it.

Your step son, is as much a part of his dad's life as your own sons.

Remember the reverse should apply too. The second -family children matter too

Because no one's child should just be "accommodated". His dad loves him, he wants to spend time with him. The relationship failed, yes. But thats also not the kid's fault.

OP was also aware that her partner had a kid when she entered the relationship. Relationships with extra people are harder work.

No, her DP's eldest should not take precedent, but it doesn't sound like that is what is happening. But also her defensiveness saying that no, she thought her DP was too much when he tried to keep contact with their kids when the briefly split does not indicate that is really what she is fussed about.

This is literally proof in the pudding.

That's what some people do to over compensate the heinous act of a child having to stay at mum's house then dad's house. Create a child like this, who turns into an adult like this.

The sad thing is @Sky1248 if you resist this (and rightly so, they are completely ruining this boy) and push back at all to protect your children, these fine parents will declare you the arsehole that needs to leave, as nothing takes the shine from the prodigal first born. Child two? Three? Merely collateral damage.

It's shit. But you are so not in the wrong. You couldn't have known he was going to be like this with your children.

He sounds like a good dad! You need to open your mind and imagine how you and your biological kids would feel should they were ever treated like you want to treat your stepson :(

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn It also affects kids who have nothing to do with the family. When i was bullied at school the same excuses were made for the bullies "we have to make allowances because her parents have split up" we have to make allowances because hes a foster child"

How is it compensating? Isn’t it just treating him as part of the family? How would you feel if someone was speaking about one of your children like this?

"I don't know why my husband always wants him with us." Because he's his friggin son and he wants his whole family together at family events.