Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

YABU. You have known this little boy from age two and want to exclude him? You say "your" family. He is your family, too! You can't have your husband without his son. They come as a package. As PP said, if you got involved with a new partner, you'd think it was OK if he didn't want your children there for his birthday. And if you wanted to see your children for tea twice a week and every other weekend too, he would say that was too much? And facetime on top of that, way too much? I'd imagine you'd want to see them more than that. But you can't, because your new husband "find them a bit rude and they've a much better life with their dad".

You should be happy that he is a caring dad. If you two split up it shows he will still be an involved parent.

I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

I mean, as a parent yourself, you could try to take an educated guess.

Do you seriously not understand that your husband loves his oldest child as much as he loves his younger two? Why would he want exclude one of his children from anything?

Just Wow. I have no other words except for that I now realise where the saying “evil step mother” comes from.

I read OPs post, and I may be wrong, as him not wanting to do anything on the weekends his son isn't there (or if they do, he wants to wait until his son can come all of the time), there isn't anything actually wrong with OP wanting the odd weekend to do something with just their DC (on the weekends SS is not supposed to be there).

To the people saying "why did you marry him you knew he had a child?"

Obviously that's correct- but it's not always that simple. My dh over-compensated for not being with his kids 24/7 by allowing rude behaviour towards me, minimising it and trying to keep everyone happy. He was too afraid to have my back properly and his teenage kids took full advantage.

I realised it was a dh problem but I came to really dislike them and their manipulative behaviour. Dh didn't want me confronting them. Did I know all this when I got with my dh and things were fine and his kids were respectful? NO.

When things are fine, they're fine.
But when they're not, you just don't have the unconditional love you do for your own. And I agree it's totally unfair on the children put in this situation. Having said that, my children have a step mother who might be lovely when she sees them but they would never expect her to feel for them the way she does for her boys.

Hmm if this wasnt the step parents board there would be loads of questions about the obvious age gap between the OP and her partner. It couldnt be more obvious in the OP , She has been with her partner for 7 years and she isnt 30 yet and yet has a 9 year old stepson who she met when he was two. I bet her partner is older. And if he chose to go for someone younger there may not be the maturity yet. Thems the breaks!!!

No skin in the game myself Im child free by choice.

Classic OP not being back if people don't agree with them

Thank you for all the messages abusive and non absusive.

I May add I treat my stepson the same way as my other children when he is round. Over the years I have gone above and beyond, I would pick him up from school once a week and have him over night and drop him to school in the morning as my DH would be working at those times. I stopped this when my second boy was born as I gained more responsibilities and found it very hard work trying to get both the kids out the car etc when his mum said she was relaxing at home. I also had made so much effort for example I booked tickets for us to go to the circus once and he told me he didn’t want to go but wanted the tickets so him and his mum could go. Comments about things like he said he liked tea cakes and I said oh so do I and he said well you aren’t my mum.

I totally understand children say things that are hurtful without meaning too but until you are a step parent sometimes you feel like the spare part but are expected to step up!

he isn’t clingy to his dad anymore he is quite settled when he is here but always wants to go back to his mums as he has his own room there, she spends a lot more money on him than we can afford and his ‘pillows are better’ at her house.

i don’t begrudge him coming round but sometimes when I can tell he doesn’t really want to be here or feels my husbands attention is more focused on making sure he’s having a good time I am honest and do think I look forward to when it’s just us as there’s no pressure to have a great time and it just flows and is real life.

i don’t believe at all you should have to compensate for the rest of someone’s life a breakup from when they are 1 if he knows no different.

his behaviour isn’t terrible but he is just spoilt because his mum comes from a millionaire background and unfortunately we don’t and sometimes this will show which isn’t his fault.

again thank you for the comments and it’s lucky I am thick skinned about this but please think of someone who is down and knows the way they are feeling is wrong but would like advice in as if you caught someone very low you could be the reason they did something stupid! Also it isn’t helpful calling names is it really?

Yes he was his dad before you came on the scene an before you decided to have children. Should he stop being a good dad because he has a new family now?

And as someone else said above, what if the mother died and the boy had to come and live there full time?

Penance is a frankly disgusting way at looking at the life of a child.

You take on the husband you take on the child or you don’t take it on. That’s it.

i don’t believe at all you should have to compensate for the rest of someone’s life a breakup from when they are 1 if he knows no different.

but he isn't compensating, he's being his dad. Many have asked, but you haven't answered - how would you want your children to be treated by him if your relationship ended?

It is also a lot easier to have a conversation about how their day's have been with a 9 year old than it is a baby and a toddler.

If you feel your husband is inattentive towards you and your children, that's a conversation to have with him, but asking him to cut back on the already limited time he spends with his eldest isn't going to help.

@Sky1248 how old were you when you started dating him and how old was he

To be honest we ended up breaking up for 2 weeks over this and I felt him trying everyday was a bit much as I was trying to get on with life with the kids and their routines also.

the kids were absolutely fine. My 3 year old is nearly 4 and she wasn’t asking lots as she goes pre school and things like that. I genuinely felt once a week and a couple face times was enough for them and they were content although that may be because they are smaller.

their mum will also constantly try and get my husband to have him extra as in all the time and if he goes home from ours at 6.30 from having tea she will say no I will get him at 7 but that doesn’t work for us as we have to put the little ones to bed at 7 and then she would kick off and say but he should be aloud there at that time! Yes he is but my little one wouldn’t settle plus it’s up to us how we run our household!

The DSS comment on his pillows being better really aren't likely to be about his pillows are they. You know this, what he means is he wants to be in his own bed with his own things around him, with his own routine it doesn't matter what thos things cost. Even if he has his own space around him at yours it's not the same.

I'm sure you slept over at loved relatives houses as a child, or been on holiday and expressed similar thoughts.

I used to work at a secondary school,lots of children from the very rich to those living in poverty, when discussing their family makeup most with separated parents said they loved visiting the NRP but hated living out of a suitcase (even if they weren't literally doing that). Almost unanimously those living with a 50:50 or similar arrangement said they would rather just visit during the day and do occasional weekends but go back to their main house.

.

👆🏻this with bells on!!! I say that as a step parent.

Your kids were only without him for two weeks. That's a big difference. You also complained of him not being interested in your kids and complained that he showed too much interest in his eldest.

I would be heart broken for my kids if they felt their dad wasn't interested in them. I guess we just have different priorities.

OP, you may think you're treating your DSS equally but you're clearly not - you've revealed it by the examples you've given about how your DSS has responded/behave.

It doesn't matter that they split when he was 1. He has gotten a rough deal that HE DIDN'T ASK FOR.

I say this as a step mum. It's par for the course that Steps say things to you that hurts. It's up to YOU to be the adult and regulate your own emotions and see beyond the immediate comment to the pain and hurt that DSS is feeling.

You are coming across as very combative and nasty and you're not engaging with anyone's comments that aren't in the same thinking as yours - so clearly you think you're in the right and are not open to discussion. And I think that's telling about how you are with your DSS.

The OP is coming over perfectly fine - living in reality, observing issues and venting online, that's what MN is for.

It is interesting though, how many people come in so combative mode and call her names just because she doesn't pretend everything is a rose garden.

*Sky1248 · Yesterday 06:32

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!*

OP has been told she's being unreasonable - by people including myself who are in similar step situations who KNOW the reality of these situations.

OP has argued against herself being considered unreasonable so the only assumption is that she wasn't interested in all comments. Just the people who agree with her world view.

And from my perspective as a step parent I think the way she describes her step child is very telling of her underlying attitude and feeling towards the child.

People expect super human qualities from step mums.

However much people like to wang on about how they would do it I'd argue that it's nigh on impossible to genuinely regard someone else's child (that doesn't live with you full time) in the same way as your own. The bonds just aren't there. You can be kind to them, treat them respectfully, be loving towards them etc but at the end of the day they are just that - someone else's child. And why is it only step mums who are expected to view this child like their own? Because the original parents certainly don't! If the chips are down and dad and step mum split no one - not dad, not mum, not society and not MN - would bat an eyelid that step mum just doesn't get any rights to see that child again. Just gone from their lives. That's a loss, however you look at it but any consideration for the step mum is dismissed because... can you guess it? "They're not their child". Can't have it both ways.

@Eyeroll89 that not what's being talked about here though. OP resents the amount of time her DH spends in contact with his son, even though it's EOW and a couple of days a week. Although apparently when they argued and split up over it was irritated that he tried to maintain contact with their kids.

No, you don't have to love your step kids, but being obstructive to them having a relationship with your partner isn't great.

She's over 30. She speaks of when she had her 30th in the past tense so she must be over 30

The OP has quite a odd way of formulating her thoughts.
"Once a week and couple of facetime were enough" for whome? You were speaking about your daughter being in ore-school in the same sentence.
Who are "they" from "their mum"?

Would you be OK about leaving one of your own kids out? Cause that's what you're asking your husband to do. Your not a family of 4. The other boy is your husbands son and therefore is entitled to the same upbringing and life and time as the other kids.