Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

I wouldn’t be forced into inviting anyone. If all the kids are here , then they come. If they are not, then they don’t. Sometimes life happens when step kids aren’t here , but they are also doing life at their mums so I really don’t understand the big fuss.

Honestly, I feel annoyed by most of the children I meet and I don't feel I would want any but my own biological children in my space. That only means I won't marry a man with children from previous relationships as I do not feel I can give them what they deserve as a step-mum.
You can't marry a man with children and complain they are part of your life and household.

I don't think the problem is the OP not wanting her stepson present at her Birthday.
The problem is all other snippets she threw in before disappearing, e.g. "do we now have to compensate for this all the time?" Or "why does he FaceTime?" And "aren't 2 evenings and EOW enough?".
If she said smth to the effect of "my husbands spends a lot of time with his son, he is included in most of family events,etc,etc but I feel I do not want to invite him to my BD as it is not a huge fun for a 9 yrs old anyway" most would have supported her.

How many hooks do you want to let him off?? The fact that he sees his kids rarely is in no way a reason for him to not step up and discipline and guide them properly. He's 100% their dad and should uphold standards 100%! He doesn't get to have all the good times and 'make all the memories' and avoid any conflict by leaving all the actual parenting to thier mum!

He is not a grandparent or an aunt or a friend, he's their dad. If he's blaming it on not seeing them very often them change the schedule and put some bloody work in.

Its even worse, imo that he treats his other children differently. It's not their fault he sees the other children so rarely and it's not fair to so obviously treat them differently.

To all the the step-parents applauding the ”SC are not family, they are at most tolerated” you may very well feel that way. I hope your acting is Oscar-level, so that your DH and any and all children never pick up on this (though I doubt it). Have you ever considered what it feels like to be that child, who is ”nobody”, ”not-family” and ”tolerated”? Where do you suggest that child goes for love, belonging and acceptance - crucial elements of well-being for life? Do you not think that as an adult in this situation, you have a duty of care?

AND - to all the opposite kind of step-parents: THANK YOU <3 No doubt it’s difficult at times, but you are heroes.

YABVU

Of course YABU and nasty too!!

You knew he had a child when you got together why should he not be a part everything why should he miss out because your selfish

Why did you marry a man with a child? Why do some step parents try to shove their spouse's children out of the nest? You should have been more particular about choosing a partner. How would you like it if your husband treated your children together like you want him to treat his son?

YABVVVU!!! If my husband had that attitude towards my his step children I’d be appaluled.
you sound very jealous

Initially i'd say you are being extremely unreasonable - you knew he had a young child from day 1, he's his son therefore part of your family. Yes you have 2 kids with him but his son is their half sibling wether you like that or not.

You may not be being unreasonable about your birthday though. Who else is going, is it just you and your husband? If its other family members then yes he comes too as he IS a family member.

Your husband will have time with your 2 kids on his own, so he should also have time with his other son on his own, but at the end of the day he is part of your family.

YABVU. That poor boy. You are his family!!!!

You’re the kind of step mum who gives all the others a bad name. You clearly don’t like your step son. I feel sorry for the kid. I have a step son myself and, like you, I became his step mum when he was 2. I would never dream of not including him in anything we do. He is just as much my family as my own children are. If he is rude then you need to teach him how to behave. If your own children were rude would you give them up? I think not. Yet you would quite happily never see your step son? You should never have got involved with a man who had a child if this is your attitude.

@Rabbiehdbek Everyone I know with ‘half’ siblings (including myself) just refers to them as their siblings. I look a lot like my brother (I guess our dads genes came through strong) despite different mums. He will always be my big brother and is an important part of my life. Everyone else I know with ‘half’ siblings are the same, they just see each other no differently to ‘full’ siblings 🤷‍♀️ My DH looks so much like his half-sister, more so than his sibling who shares both parents.

I guess that is something stepmums have to accept- the stepchild/children are going to be their own kids biological siblings, so likely an important part of their own children’s lives forever.

I think the OP has some valid concerns. Her OH is (understandably) over compensating for not being there all the time for his son. This can lead to problems with the younger kids in the future as they will feel let down and as lesser in their Dad’s eyes - I have seen this happen and has created real problems. As others have said; her OH is the issue, not the child. If an event falls on a non contact day then the SS doesn’t always need to be there - she is allowed to just be with her own children for her birthday! All of that said, you did marry a man with children and that requires a certain amount of sacrifice on your part; just think about it from your SS perspective. He should feel included, but not necessarily to every single event. It is not an easy balance - I’ve been there. Behavioural issues should be tackled by your OH; he is not doing him any favours by allowing this. Sometimes non resident parents are scared to ruin their precious together time by disciplining their children, but it is important to still say no occasionally/tell them off.

Posters defending the OP… would you be like this to your own children?

say you split with your partner so shared custody of your kids. Would you let a new husband tell you shouldn’t be FaceTiming your children as much when they’re at their dads, that your children spend too much time in your home and infringe upon your life with him?

Exactly.

What if someone came on and posted-

‘Hi I’m a mum of 3- 2 kids with current partner and 1 DD with my ex.

My husband is getting annoyed at the fact I FaceTime my DD regularly when she’s at her Dads. He also thinks she’s here too often and we should have more time as our own little family unit without her.’

Would posters honestly agree that the DD is not part of the family unit, just someone who comes and goes and not a ‘proper family member’

There’s so many nuances you haven’t considered. You are viewing this through the lense of a no doubt competent parent with an average sort child(ren). My DSS has punched me in the head (he was upset about something else and lashed out, I was nearest) bitten me on many occasions, kicked me, pulled out my hair. You name it he’s probably inflicted it on me.

This might not be relevant to the OP. But I’m offering a perspective here for when you reach and tar us with the same brush. We are not all bad people for having those views - some of us have had our views shaped by traumatic experiences.

Accidentally clicked YANBU but you most definitely ABU. Absolutely awful to class the 2 children that you birthed as ‘your children’ you married him knowing he had a child and they are just as important in your marriage as he is. I’m quite horrified by your attitude towards his son TBH.

You're probably a really nice person and this post has made you look like a wicked step mother...
Nonetheless I have to say it sounds like you're a bit jealous of the ss. He engages more when he has time with his son because he sees him a lot less than your children. You are being unreasonable in the fact it's quite obvious if you had your way you would do monthly contact with SS at a push. As everyone else has said you knew what you were getting into when you got with your dh, you knew he had a child. Just because you now have your own together this boy doesn't go down the pecking line. Also, you said "he has a much better life with his mum"... That's his mum and nothing to do with you. Your dh sounds like a great man and wants to be a positive figure in his sons life. You're only going to push dh away openly leaving his child out....

Is he involved with your kids? Other than being present. Does he do ctivities, playtime, talking, participate to parenting with the 3yo and 9mo old? When SS visits is it exclusively dad-son time and he's not involving the other kids or the whole family at all?

There is a few ways to read the post and updates. But my first vibe was that he feel guilty of not being there for SS everyday and also he's one of those dad's who prefere older kids so he does a lot with him. And since he see your kids everyday he makes less of an active effort for now at least.

But SS is his son. If he can't see him everyday he does need to call often and be involved with his hobbies and also include him in family events. But thay doesn't mean he gets to stop parenting your kids.

I'm pretty much always on the side of the step child, but I do think you've got a genuine complaint here and it's being lost in the SC/SP debate.

Sending your SC away is not the answer here, and not at all fair, as it's your husband that is being unreasonable, if he continues to prioritise your SC and treat him as if he can do no wrong then it's going to cause problems in the family dynamics for ever more, he should be treating all of his children equally and give them the same amount of time and patience, not favouring one. It's not the child's fault though, so you need to separate the two issues.

These things tend to come down to how they are put across imo.

I don't think there is anything wrong at all with not wanting to take your SS to every single thing that you do. It's illogical and everyone deserves to have a normal life when he isn't there, especially your children.

But I can see why it would get his back up if you speak the way you do in your OP to him about it.

Things like

I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us

I mean is fairly obvious why? It's his son.

But there isn't anything wrong with saying you think your DC need some time with their dad or that you don't think they should have to put off things until SS can be there.

So yeah I don't think YABU tbh in what you want. But you do have to be mindful when discussing it with your husband that this is his child, think about how you'd take the things being said if they were being said about your child first.

And no its not okay for him to be seemingly more interested in SS than his other children. You should definitely bring that up.