Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

i agree not great choice of wording. Her children are biological siblings with this boy. Me and my half-siblings look very alike (and I wouldn’t normally refer to them as half-siblings, just my siblings!) so it would feel weird if their mother, my step-mum, said that I ‘wasn’t anything to her’

Yes. And due to Dad Guilt, step children are frequently given preference over other children. Any subsequent children are supposed to accept this, simply because their parents are still together. It’s the most divisive dynamic and sadly all too common in step families

No they are not. Not in every case. They are someone that you have to have in your life through no choice. He’s someone who she has to see now and again and now isn’t even allowed her own birthday as she wishes.

Very good advice

And yet we have had recently a step mum complaining that their dc isn’t invited to dps brother’s wedding, but dps children are. Step mums are up in arms about this. But the same argument could be made. The brother has no connection with his brothers step child, so why is this situation any different, if what you’re saying is that the dss is nothing to the step mum? Honestly, I despair at the lack of some mumsnetter’s moral compass. We’re talking about a child, who people on here are demonising. It’s awful.

See this is just pure hyperbole? Looking out for his son? Its lunch not his last will and testament.

Well yes, I can see that. But do you expect dad to pretend said birthday is not happening- so he doesn't have to tell kid he is not invited or welcome. 3 year old will probably blab- how will sk feel?

Just have the celebrations on the weekend they are with their other parent; simple. We did it for many years. Doesn’t need to be talked about. My DSC were so self-absorbed they would never have thought to ask about anyone else’s birthdays anyway

That’s what OP has tried to achieve and I totally agree.

It’s not excluding them at all.

@Rabbiehdbek of course having a step child is a choice, her DH didn’t keep him a secret until they had their own children did he? When you choose to be with a man who has children you are choosing for those children to be part of your family. It’s a take it or leave it thing. It doesn’t mean you tolerate crap or don’t have any feelings about it, as I said before she can feel anyway she likes about him, it’s how she behaves toward him that matters. Most stepmums are complaining because their DH leaves them to do the parenting but in this case it’s almost the polar opposite.

I never said it was… the BIL shouldn’t have to invite the step child as she’s not his family.

They are a part of your life. Not the step mums family. My family is my kids & DH, not my dsd, she’s my DH family.

Things evolve though.

My DSS evolved into an a-hole. If I’d have had a crystal ball I wouldn’t have got involved but it was several years down the line when he turned.

His mother and father struggle with him too but they are bound by biological ties and I (thank god) am not.

If step mum bashing is pointing out that OP is treating her DSS as a cuckoo in what should be his own nest with his dad and his half siblings then I’m proud to be one.

step mums who are jealous of their partners children are weirdos IMO that is your children’s half brother. Love him for that if nothing else. Because you could easily lose the man but their sibling will likely always be a feature of their life.

Your comment makes no sense. Surely if it was related to his last will and testament it would be rather more than simply looking out for him?

@Rabbiehdbek so your aunts or uncles who married into your family aren’t family? Me getting married to my husband made my DSS my family. He already was to me anyway, but that’s unequivocal.

The only people who can apply for parental responsibility for a child aside from the birth parents are grandparents and step parents. There’s a reason for that.

The only child in this scenario getting less time with their father is the OP's stepson.

This situation is not the boys fault. He is not at their house all the time. Cica. 80 hrs per fortnight.
The father is quite rightly being present in his life.

And I never said you couldn't have a conversation with a 3yr old. I manage it most days with my granddaughter. But the type of conversations/interactions you have with a 3yr old and a 9yr old are quite different.

But I forgot, all custody sharing fathers remembering their commitments and showing an interest in their kids lives, are arseholes!

How did you anticipate him sharing his time between all three children when you decided to have not one but two children with this man? So every other weekend he has entirely with you and your two DC. Whilst I empathise, as a SM myself, that it can be a tension sometimes and not always easy, I can't help but think there hasn't been much future thinking when planing 'your' family

I don’t agree that insisting he goes for lunch is “looking out for him” rather I think it’s pretty irrelevant for a 9 year old.

The stepson isn’t getting less time though is.. as another poster pointed out before

*Child one gets dedicated face times, one to one time at football training, dad taking just him to matches on Saturday and Sunday. And when you think child one is in FTE 5 days out of 7, that's a lot of dedicated time when you are one of three children to be considered.

The other children don't get one to one dedicated time with dad. But apparently that's ok because his bedroom is in the same house as theirs*

Thats good then so you must realise that you can have just as long as a conversation with a 3 year old that you can with a 9 year old! Doesn’t matter if it’s different.

Getting married to someone is different to a step child. It’s not even comparable. You don’t marry your step child or make a commitment to them. They are just there.

I'd reserve the word upset for yourself, because whilst I understand your point, the route you have chosen as an alternative explanation to her 'angst' is very dogmatic and with your response here it is now very clearly projection. A bit of objectivity goes a long way.

You've married someone who does have a commitment to a child...

wow - now that is 100% very unpleasant :(

yes, you DO make a commitment by marrying their dad.

The best way to ascertain that would be to invite him.