Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

This is why it would be good for the OP to answer the questions instead of people having to read into things.

OF COURSE the DH should be having one-on-one time with all children. However, it’s not in anyone’s interest for the younger two to be taken along to the oldest’s football. Nor would the oldest probably want to (or even be allowed) in soft play with the 3 yo or fingerpainting with the 9 mo.

With three children of such different ages, you can’t be expecting to doing the same or even similar things with them all. Similar amounts of time spent, yes. But similar activities, no.

Then again, if the oldest lived with his dad full-time, someone would have to be going to football every weekend. Again - because older children tend to have extra curricular activities out of the house which a 9 mo doesn’t need.

I don’t know if it helps to flips this -

A 9 yo is probably at school Mon-Fri 9-3 or thereabouts. Might have clubs 2-3 nights a week and events on weekends. This is age appropriate, good for him socially and will need an adult to get involved with logistics BUT I wouldn’t class the time the child is on the football pitch as quality parent-child time.

I don't think OP is coming guy. presumably she is busy polishing her magic mirror and cooking up a nice bunch of poisoned apples

vile from you , OP.

You are not just being unreasonable, you are fucking horrible.

Well at least you know should you split up your husband he will still be a good co parent.
How would you feel if someone was saying this about your own children?
There seems to be a definite pattern of desperate women shacking up with men who already have kids, only to find the kids a complete and utter nuisance once they have their own children. You sound a bit jealous and needy.

Irrelevant. He still needs to be a parent to his child regardless of whose fault the break-up was.

She’s already got plenty of time away. The child is hardly there but she already thinks it’s too much.

If you meet someone who has a child and decide to continue the relationship, you pretty much accept that they come as a package and the child is a priority, you certainly don’t get jealous and try to limit the time he spends with his child, even (especially!) when you have your own.

And yes, I am a step parent, met my step children when they were around same age as the boy in the post. Would never, ever, have treated them this way, in fact, it worried me that they felt any less important than our own kids.

He live apart from his son so doesn’t know the details,dad wasn’t there. So to understand,connect he request details. To make his son feel validated he wants to demonstrably listen and be curious

Think about how you would feel if you had a child who didn’t live with you, and your husband did not want them around.
The child will pick up you do not want him around and his behaviour will stem from that.

That’s really not much & you sound jealous.

YABVU.

Is it your DH or "partner"?

Posters seem confused, as am I. You didnt marry him.

If your partner then you are not in any sort of legal commitment. Flatmates esentially, leave if you find his DCs unacceptable.

I also don’t think YABU.

A nine year old needs very different attention to a 3yo and a baby. You are going to get much more interesting and in depth conversations from a 9yo which is probably why he seems to spend more time talking to his son than his younger ones

And why the fuck is it ok for fathers to do this (step or not) Would it be ok for mothers to do it.

Has anybody who is slating OP stopped to consider who will benefit from SS being there?

It doesn’t sound like he gets on with OP’s family. He’s 7 - how many 7 year olds will be desperate for nuggets and chips with a family they don’t know that well?

It isn’t “quality” time with Dad. It’s a sit down meal with people he’s not that fond of to celebrate something that probably isn’t important to him.

So what has OP’s DH achieved by insisting he attends? Nothing really, now OP is resentful and the son is bored. It’s changed the dynamics of the meal for all and the only person really benefitting is OP’s DH because he feels righteous and like he’s done the right thing.

You did miss a post, yes - the first one. "I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything!"

The boy is 9.

And his father wants him there.

That should be enough.

Then adjust the custody arrangement. After respectful communication with both your ex and your new partner.

Don't pull the 'I have a child so it's my way all the time and you have no say' card.

DH certainly has a responsibility to his DC1. But he must be respectful and considerate of everyone's needs.

Are you joking?! They’re his siblings and father of course he wants to see them! Well maybe not as I’m sure the atmosphere is awful with OP clearly not wanting the poor boy there.

Right - but it OP hasn’t said ”everything, including the non-contact evenings and weekends”. OP hasn’t replied to any of the questions asking to clarify this.

OP is however complaining about ”He takes him to his football training Friday evenings, any matches on a Saturday and Sunday on his weekends” so it does seem that the problem is that the current amount of contact and the current time of that contact spent with DSS is the problem.

(Or should DSS not bother with football on the eow when he’s with OP as that takes DH out of the house?)

And, of course, the party which is a significant event. To exclude DSS but not the other DC is making it clear he’s not part of the ”family proper”.

Sorry 9 - but still, it’s not a day at Alton towers. I doubt he’s that interested.

You’re missing the point I’m making. His father getting what he wants at the expense of his wife’s enjoyment (this is her celebration and meant to be exactly about her enjoyment) and his son who’s not really going to be bothered. So who’s it about now? The father?

No. I’m not joking. I just imagine a child being dragged along to spend the afternoon sat rigidly with OP’s family.

You sound jealous of a child. A child whose life was broken apart at 2 years of age. Your husband actually wants to see his son which is a good thing. He's your stepSON, poor kid. You probably show you don't consider him family which could account for his difficult behaviour. Probably rude to your family because at a family meal he knows he's not wanted there by you and it's only his dad that cares. Are the members of your family dismissive towards him too? There's a really simple solution for you (and all the other women that come on here griping about disliking stepkids) - when you meet a man and discover he has kids, just say "Sorry, I don't date men with kids. Bye". Really simple. Don't get with a man with kids then complain that he wants to see them.

Threads like these are so upsetting. @Sky1248 you really are a piece of work. That poor child. Don't get involved with men who have children if you're going to resent them. Your posts are so utterly selfish and self centred. Disgusting.

So much hysteria over a meal out. Some posters are so dramatic.

Sometimes I only take one of my kids out at a time if the other is doing something else. They don’t even register!

Ah hysteria, is it? Be still my wandering womb so I may think with the clarity of a man.