Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

The remedy to this situation isn't that your husband does less with his son, its that he does more than he is with the others. It may be he thinks that because he lives with them they get him more by default, so is more proactive with his son he doesnt live with. This requires actual communication between adults not the punishment of a child who didn't decide any of this.

It doesn't matter how good things are with SS Mum, that will never mean he should see his dad less, hear from him less, have dinner with him less.

If you and your husband split would you accept your children being treated by a potential stepmum with the same attitude?

Would you be happy to see you child for a couple of dinners, every other weekend or on the phone? Would that feel enough for you or your child? When your children are inevitably rude, should they be excluded from events? Or is that really not that much contact and heartbreaking that that's all you get?

All your children are siblings, they deserve to have parents who properly facilitate those relationships rather than adopting an us v them mentality.

Your treatment of him WILL impact his life. Please make it positive.

Sky1248 · Today 06:32

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

You don't know why your husband wants to spend so much time with his oldest child?

You obviously feel that every other weekend, and twice a week for tea, is a lot of time for your husband to spend with his 9 years old child. Given that you feel that this child has such a better life with his mum and is always doing nice things with her, maybe you think that there is no need for your husband to have his son stay every other weekend and that he should give the mum full custody.

This would make life so much more convenient for you and will allow your husband to devote himself completely to you and his younger children.

He does only have one father, yes. But he also has a mother, who presumably is a nice person and likes to spend time with him also. That's 2 families.
Everyone is acting like when he's not physically with his father he's alone in a wilderness, devoid of human interaction and loving relationships which OP is wickedly excluding him from.

What about every other weekend when the stepchild is not there? And three weeknights? Is that not time with just her DC and DH? Well, quite. That IS time with just her DH and DC - but isn't the point OP made that SS is being expected to join them whenever DH dictates during these times as well? So, actually she isn't getting time with just her and DC when she might otherwise expect to (assuming they have a regular custody arrangement).

This is about communication with your DH. I have been clear with my DH that his daughter (9) is not my child, she’s an in-law, therefore it is not essential she is at all family things on my side. Especially when it makes the event more unpleasant and my DH is not going to fully manage that by e.g. not having a drink, keeping an eye at all times, challenging poor behaviour. The result is DS/ time with us is much nicer and I am clear about boundaries around what I will and won’t tolerate and what my role is. We are all getting on better. Having said that, I would want dsd at my birthday as she’s my child’s sister and my husband’s daughter…wider family (like cousins etc) weddings and sibling birthdays/my nephew’s b’day she isn’t always included. What’s also good is she knows she doesn’t have to come when she is invited, recently opted out of a christening on my family’s side as she wanted to do something fun with her mum’. Fair enough.

That IS time with just her DH and DC - but isn't the point OP made that SS is being expected to join them whenever DH dictates during these times as well? So, actually she isn't getting time with just her and DC when she might otherwise expect to (assuming they have a regular custody arrangement).

Thats my understanding too.
And add to that the fact he is not as present when it’s him and his youngest dcs either.

So You end up in a situation where one child is clearly favoured vs the others.
It might be c9ming from guilt or the feeling he has to compensate for not being there etc…
But the end result is a discrepancy that simply shouldn’t be there.

Imagine if you only got to see your babies for tea twice a week and EOWeekend.

Try and imagine it.

This is your DH's first born. Not some randomer.

He's 8. Of course he is clingy. And you are making him into an outsider in his own family.

Your husband has three children. Of course he wants to do nice stuff with dc1 as well as dc2 and dc3. Just because his dc1 does nice stuff with his mum, it doesn’t mean that your h can exclude him from doing nice stuff with his half siblings too.

Your h should continue the FaceTimes and invitations so that he can maintain a strong bond with his dc1. He’s about to enter trickier times in his growing up and hopefully this strong foundation will help them maintain a good relationship.

tea twice a week plus every other weekend? Wow that’s serious full time parenting. Just kidding, it’s nowhere near and of course he treasures that time and wants him at family events.
you mention your dss has a better life with his mum. Question for you- if a relative said hey I’m loaded, full of love to give, I can give your two dc a so much better life than you can, would you go oh great here you are bye kids, maybe I’ll visit at Christmas? Luckily for your dss, he has a dad that loves him so would obviously never ever do that.
you need to concentrate on getting him to have some quality time with your two dc, that’s the only valid action you can take here, that and start being much kinder to your dss.

@VillageOnSmile and @Eyeroll89
I must have missed a post somewhere, because I have seen plenty of people ask (including myself) whether her DH doesn’t want to do things without the DSS but haven’t seen a reply - only people assuming that is the case.

DH wanting to include his oldest DC in family events is not evidence of favouritism. Nor is having different conversations with a 9 month old and 9 year old.

Oh shut up OP, I can’t believe what you’re writing. The kid is 8/9 and you’re jealous that his dad is involved in his life and spending time with him?

Give yourself a good talking to. You knew he had a child when you met him. Did you really think he’d drop his own son when you started having babies?

Wow you can’t understand why your husband wants to spend time with his son??? Wtf have I just read…

This and the football training/matches thing is surely just a function of your stepson being that bit older though right? Or are you saying he was regularly face timing and asking what stepson had been up to when you first met and dss was 2?
Give it time and the relationship with all dc will equalise.

If I were you OP, I would start a different thread, focusing down on the problem which is that you think your SS is getting better quality attention than your kids.

This is a problem and needs to be addressed, you are getting flamed because you made it about how often your stepson is round. Your SS is over 2 tea times a week and EOW, which is really not a lot, and you have time to spend time as a nuclear family outside of this. I understand your husband is doing FaceTimes and attending matches outside of this - that’s part of what needs to be evened out.

Your kids are little and arguably don’t need one on one concentrated attention the way your stepson does, so you will need to explain to your husband that right now what they do need is family time, and you need to feel supported.

I am a stepparent and in general I think all children should be included in family events and you have to find a way of embracing that - however, your birthday is your call, if you’re celebrating as a family I’d try and include him, but managing all the kids is tricky, then it’s your day and your husband cannot insist.

He takes him to his football training Friday evenings, any matches on a Saturday and Sunday on his weekends so our other child don’t much time at all so the weekends we don’t have him I like it to be our kids so they can have attention
and
He doesn’t seem that engrossed

These two comments from the OP make me think that he is involved with his older dc, takes him to football etc… but doesn’t do similar things with his two youngest.

I dint think anyone expects him to have the same conversations with a 3yo or a 9 months old.
But I’d expect similar amount of interest for the dcs. So that would mean taking interest in them when you are all sat around the table or sitting in the floor to play with them. Or taking the 3yo to football too.

Unless the preference is obvious, it will be very hard for the OP to pinpoint why she feels there is a clear preference from her dh. Rather it will be a collection of ‘insignificant’ events that all add up.

Threads like this motivate me to work at my marriage. I would HATE my son to have a step mother like this. On the other hand, well done to your husband for actually behaving like a decent father. The fact that you question whether this behaviour is reasonable…. Poor kid.

Your kids are little and arguably don’t need one on one concentrated attention the way your stepson does

I disagree there.
Babies and toddler need 1-1 undivided attention for their development.
It might not be what you chose to do to give undivided attention but they need it just as much.

You met and fell in love with someone who has a child. Didn't you ever discuss what that blended family would look like? Why those who choose this life for themselves (and their children) think the child from the previous relationship will disappear, is absolutely beyond me. It doesn't cost you anything to invite this child to your party. Guess that's how the phrase 'step monster' was coined. On the bright side - this kids dad seems a good one who wants him around.

You are being horribly unreasonable . Poor child .

YOu think him having his son for tea twice per week - so not staying oer night and having him EOW is too much!

Seriously, give yourself a brain shake and imaging what it would be like to see your DCs for the same amount of time.

I note you said you have been with your partner for 7 yrs and first me him when he was 2. Which suggests his DF was either having an affair not long after he was born or you met him straight away. No you re not compensating for the fact his DF left all his life but his life is different to your partners others DCs and does need different parenting.

He is/was clingy-he was 2 yrs old- new people in his life, Mum and Ad together.
Within a few years - new sibling appears-normal sibling rivalry and insecurity when a new child arrives. Then another one.

Good on Dad that he recognises he needs to see his child and make him feel part of his new family in the little time he has with him.
Shame on you for just wanting that pesky step child out of "your" family now you have your own kids.

Not a pretty read OP and the drip feed as per usual!

Say you divorce DH and he re-marries someone else.

Would you be happy if the new wife said to DH that your kids weren't allowed to go to her family gatherings because DH is too nice and attentive to them and also she thinks your kids are a bit 'spoiled'.

And that your kids shouldn't be over there that much because you do plenty of nice things with them. Then also you hear that she doesn't like DH face timing his kids because she's jealous of that.

He was a dad when you meet him,he’ll continue being dad to Stepson and your children too. It’s not a competition who gets most attention. it’s about all welfare and they all feel loved. This boy has had a loss of his dad and now has new siblings new step family. Don’t resent him, include him, make him feel loved and included

Why do these women always word it like they didn’t have a choice? You literally CHOSE to be with a man who was already father, chose for your babies to have an older sibling, chose to have another person in the family unit. Why not just opt for one of the many, many child-free men around so you can have the perfect family unit that only includes your children??

purplediscoblue - "I think 2 tea times per week and every other week is sufficient. He doesn’t need to be including in every last thing cause where is hie time and life with his actual mother? Why can’t she use her designated time to do things and engage with her child why does dad need to don it all. That was my argument with my partner a year or so ago when he was doing this although now it’s got better and I sometimes ask if we can include step
child but not as often as this would annoy me"

Sorry - one of the nastiest posts @i have seen in a long time on the SM forum. The mother engages with the child the other 12 days and nights of the two week block, she looks after their child and makes supper and engages with them on the other 10/14 evenings she ahs the child.

seriously anyone who thinks 2/14 nights and 2 teas is good parenting needs a reality check. Do any of you like this not understand why step kids start to resent their SMs, when they are all over the SDC till they get their own family then drop them like a stone and effectively gaslight them from the home and family they had gotten used to.

Shouldn’t be seen as penance or compensating. This is a child we’re talking about and he has as much right to spend time with his dad as the other two children.

Because most of these women don’t have a queue of eligible childless men who want to date them and have to settle, then take that out on the kids.