Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

This thread is crap.

A man doesn't navigate the situation well and it is woman's job to put herself last to fix all issues.

Your husband decided to father three children. He is obviously somehow trying, but doesn't manage that well, and it seems he uses you as a tool in his attempt.
It is totally your job to make sure he isn't unfair to the younger two of them, however unpopular it is on MN's AIBU.

Yes, the SS is a part of your family now, and it is reasonable to treat him well and welcome when he is there. In the same time the boy has other family, one he spends majority of time with. It isn't practical to keep all family events for the days he is with you.

@Starspangledrodeopony this!!

I think my partner does this, as at the end of the day he was 29 when he had him he is 40 in a few months he’s grown with him gone through a lot with him and even the mother.

he also feels terrible that he doesn’t see him every day although it’s subsided alot he is the same as this dad twice a week and every other week.

he doesn’t want my step child to feel second best which he certainly never will be and I feel like my partners childhood hasn’t helped as he was 1 of 5 and was mistreated.

i just feel
like this op has every right as we all
do to feel
rne way we do

How does he treat them inferior? He sees them more often. He cannot have the same types of discussion with toddlers and babies as he does with an 8 year old. The OP just wants the older kid to disappear so her DH only has time for her kids.

How much do your 3 year old and 9 month old have to share with their dad?

Where is the correlation between them needing less discipline and only having one dinner in 14 at his house.

I understand your post perfectly.

Explain this concept please?

It is so so easy to judge from an outside view when your never had to raise a child that isn’t your own

Seriously? You think every other weekend and tea during the week is raising a child?

Because he takes his child to football, a totally standard aspect of parenting?

OP, when your children get older they may have individual hobbies, who do you think would take them? Or do you expect everyone to be one insular family, always together doing the same things?

Yanbu, I didnt have DSC at my birthday celebrations either, after too many ruined experiences in the past. I just made plans for the weekend they weren’t with us.

Be grateful you have a man who doesn’t abandon his children when a relationship fails.

I think its quite telling that you refer to the child as ‘OUR stepson’ in your OP. No, he’s YOUR stepson and your DP’s son, so you need to accept that he loves him the same way that he loves your two children. YABU.

Let’s imagine that in this scenario the OP’s children are not this man’s, and he says he doesn’t want her DC joining his birthday dinner, with his family, including his son. She would be ok with that would she? I doubt it.

@CuttingMeOpenthenHealingMeFine

You said this about part of my post. Straw man argument. Where it falls down is that they're not HER DCs but theirs. He is their father as much as she is their mother. So let's not imagine anything because that's whatabouttery. Let's consider what's actually happening.

Because he sleeps in the same house, he's treating them equally??

He's not spending the dedicated time with child 2 or 3 that he does for child 1. But that's ok because he says morning and leaves for work each day. They've set eyes on dad. Hurrah.

I don’t think you are unreasonable for feeling that way. But you always knew stepson was apart of the deal…. So why would you believe that would change?

Your husband sounds like a great dad and that properly one of the reasons you are with him. If he treated his other son any different to yours together he wouldn’t be the person you married.

I think it will be much easiar if you work hard on your relationship with the stepson. Realise he is just a boy.

@OooScotland

I just read it again and cannot see the word our stepson anywhere just alot
of my step son and

I'm of the opinion that dsc DO need extra care and attention.

Studies have shown that they are often disadvantaged and even emotionally damaged from their original family splitting up, no matter how carefully it was done (and lets face it, it's often not well done at all).

It is so easy for them to feel ungrounded, like an outsider, jealous of step siblings having the family they wanted or even unloved.

I had to take extra care with dsd (she is 21, she was 6 when we first met) that I didn't have to do with dd or ds. It has really paid off but I had to do a lot of reading when we went through a rough patch (dsd very understandably having behaviour problems after dd was born).

Your DSS is a damaged child, if you aren't capable of putting him above your own ego for the sake of your family as a whole then you really shouldn't have started this relationship.

That's minimal tbh.
I thought u meant like over every night for tea, every weekend. None is unreasonable tbf.
Hes had a kid before you...theyll always be there..you knew that OP...Things change too.
Id take on any of my partners kids as my own..if there's behavioral issues, thats up to dad to sort..you can have boundaries but let him know hes always welcome.

Yes.

What would be your ideal situation in terms of your DH seeing his son OP?

She doesn’t actually say that though does she?

She says he doesn't spend dedicated time with child two or three. So, yes basically.

Simply pointing out that women expect men to act differently, there are plenty of threads on Mumsnet where a mother is terribly offended that her DC (who aren’t her Husbands) are not invited to his family events. Responses will usually be that he has to stick up for her and the DC and that her DC should be treated the exact same as any biological children. However many people don’t expect that from women when it comes to their step children.

The OP is ultimately jealous of an 8 year old boy which is a very sad state of affairs.

Oh and FYI if I want to imagine scenarios I will so fuck off.

The poor boy doesn’t live with his Dad unlike your children so how does he possibly get “more attention” because they FaceTime?!

When I met DH, his DD was still a toddler. She is 10 years younger than my youngest DC. When we moved in together, she started to come and stay with us; I was a teacher and DH had limited annual leave, so I often looked after her during the day, and this sometimes meant I had her with me but not my own children, as they were with their dad. I didn't relish it, but we never hid the fact that we each had DC and he accepted mine and I accepted his. The time to decide I didn't want his daughter in my life was the time I was deciding whether I wanted a relationship with DH as our dates progressed and we got to know each other better.

He came to you as a father, and you have to respect that.

Perhaps he is rude to you and your family because he can feel the fact that he is resented. Children that age are pretty smart and they will tell you what time of day it is ... perhaps you should try harder, after all you did choose to have children with a man who had a 2 year old with someone else. He (the kid) didn't get a choice and I'm sure deep down would have preferred not to have to share his dad with you. I think you need to have an honest talk with your husband.

Because he spends zero quality time with Ben, zero quality time with James, but one on one takes Harry to football every week, and face times him.

Are Ben and James supposed to be grateful for someone out at work all day, but sleeping under the same roof and deem this in fact, superior to the dedicated time Harry gets?

AnotherSuperHeroe · Today 07:29

You're horrible and the very definition of the evil stepmother

That poor child

Wow, just asking if it's reasonable to not want her |stepson to be invited to her 30th birthday party should not elicit such a venomous response.

Do stepson's half-siblings get invited to his mother's family events? I doubt it. OP is allowed to want to do things just with her family sometimes.

Sounds like DH is over-compensating for leaving the boy, and has allowed him to act rudely to his stepmum and her family, which is why OP doesn't look forward to sharing every family occasion with him.

It's a DH problem. He needs to treat all three of his children the same and not ignore the two he shares with OP when his first child is around. He needs to discipline the first child and make it clear rudeness isn't tolerated.