Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

Exactly!

I would never be with a man who wanted to limit how much I saw my child.

Surely any decent parent would want to spend as much time with their child as possible, especially one that they usually only get to see a few times a month.

I would be curious to know how many people calling you unreasonable are actually step parents and have personally been put in your position. It is so so easy to judge from an outside view when your never had to raise a child that isn’t your own. You are not being unreasonable. Raising someone else’s child is tough and you are allowed to have moments where you’re not feeling it or want time away.

Yep this. I know it's not always possible to forsee future feelings and things change but you admitted your relationship was rocky with your partners son and you sometimes dreaded having him And yet you've still gone ahead and had two children, further increasing the issues that existed in the first place. My sympathies do run low when really you could have made better decisions before, you have to accept that it may even be the case one day that you end up with SS full time in the case something happened to the mum. If you can't deal with it and resent the poor boy you need to split and Co parent with your children's dad.

Yes. Of course. When he is with them of course he should be included.

But he's not with them all the time - he has another family. That's not unreasonable, and it's not unreasonable that OP should want to spend time with just her DC and DH.

Yabu when you got with your husband you took on his child. The child is part of your family

Yep

I think my own past as a stepchild makes it really difficult for me to understand this so I’d appreciate if you could unpick this for me:

”He has another family” - but he only has one father, surely? Even if there’s a stepdad, it doesn’t mean the child has another family.

”It’s not unreasonable that OP should want to spend time with just her DC and DH” - what about every other weekend when the stepchild is not there? And three weeknights? Is that not time with just her DC and DH?

I genuinely don’t understand this logic.

Just for comparison, how many times a week does your husband see his other children? You know, the ones who he fathered with you? Would you be happy if he only saw them online, or twice a week for tea, or every other weekend,
would you think that was a sufficient basis for building up their relationship? Your husband is doing his best with a situation, he sounds as though he wants to do the best to be involved with his first born child, so good for him.

OP on MN stepmothers are always in the wrong. I agree that SS is DH's son and he wants to spend time with him. That is not unreasonable but that shouldn't go as far as being to the detriment of the DCs you have together.

For example - suppose you wanted to go to a theme park or even just to the local park on a weekend DH doesn't have contact. Would you go, the four of you, or would he insist that either SS comes too or you don't go at all? Because that to me is crossing a line and I would agree with your suggestion that you all have to do penance.

Perhaps that's even more so as you say SS does lots of lovely things with his mum, but this may also explain DH's attitude. It's not you and your DCs competing with SS, it's DH competing with the ex. But that's still not acceptable if it means you and DCs have to lose out all the time.

@gastontheeladybird

i love to upset people on these kinds of threads cause everyone on here is the perfect step parent and every dad should have their eldest children 24/7 and nothing less like the mother and their life with their own actual mother doesn’t count.

you also chose to read my post wrong.

every birthday we’ve had in our relationship we have child free. we took the eldest for dinner one year and dropped him to his mum and went on and had a cosy night together.. same as every other birthday. We have my mum watching our child and the eldest stays with his mum.. who it might shock some of you is perfectly capable and wanting to spend time with JUST her child and creating memories on her own.

He does treat them the same infact the only reason he doesn’t have him most weekends is… oh wait for it another big shock!! The ACTUAL mother asked for every other weekend to spend more than just school nights with her OWN son.

it’s got 0 to do with me why the routine for his son is the way that it is and my partner is that much of a good dad if I had a problem with it I would be gone. He understood why I complained prior and now everything works for everyone. My partner gets 1-1 time with his son we get lots of family time and we get 1-1 time with our daughter. If we go somewhere new that is age appropriate for both the son comes and gets frppped back to mum and I’m so glad that it works that way.

2 weeks today we’ve got the son for an extra weekend as we are leaving our daughter with my mum and going away for a night with the son and again I’m so excited for that and the reason we are going.

so I feel your point is irrelevant, my step son is currently playing football with his 2 parents watching while I’m home with our daughter but I’m not allowing my partner to treat both kids the same?

have a day off. OP is not being unreasonable and I stand by that she is entitled to want time without her step son as I believe it is needed every so often

Ask yourself this, OP.

If your DH walks out tomorrow and abandons you and your kids for another woman will you expect him to still see your two?

Will you think that he's 'unreasonable' if he wants them a couple of nights a week and every other weekend. Or that he includes them in things with his new family?

Or do you think it's fairer if he just fucks off and doesn't bother with them anymore?

FFS women, STOP getting with and having children with men who already have a kid if you don’t want them in your life. Absolutely pathetic.

Hmm yet when there is even the hint of a stepfather not treating his step children like his own he will be called everything won’t be so your assertion that stepmothers are always in the wrong doesn’t entirely stand up.

I think women just always expect their partner to prioritise their children whether he is the father or not, and ignore any other DC that he has with other women.

Let’s imagine that in this scenario the OP’s children are not this man’s, and he says he doesn’t want her DC joining his birthday dinner, with his family, including his son. She would be ok with that would she? I doubt it.

YABU to ask this on mums net . Mumsnet is not friendly to step mums.

The husband isn't wrong but it's totally understandable that you might just be tired?

I had a step kid, I was more than happy for them to be included. I figure, one day I won't be here and I'd love for the siblings to be there for each other. Sometimes, I think resentment comes from the bio parent not pitching in enough when all the kids are together. For example, when as is over does he take all the kids out to give you a break?. If not maybe worth having a chat from that angle rather than not wanting SS around so much

The people suggesting it’s fine to feel as the OP does, aren’t wrong. It’s fine for her to feel some resentment toward her DSS and to want time just with her DH and DC. It’s fine for her to have times when she wishes she didn’t have a DSS. It’s not fine for her to act on those feelings and exclude the DSS.

I have times when I want to send my DSS back, especially when he behaves poorly.
I have times when I feel to chuck my two year old out the window. I am no more actually willing to send my DSS away then I am to actually chuck my two year old out the window.

Being a parent is hard. Being a step-parent is hard. But they are choices and they are forever even if you don’t have the step child full time, you are still a step parent 24/7 just as you are a parent 24/7 even when not with your DC.

With all due respect how do you expect him to have these kids of conversations with a 3 year old and a 9 month old! Just admit it OP, you don’t like that your DH has another child, you really should have thought about this earlier in the relationship and not continued with it.

@hobbitonthehill your the twat:

do you have step children? Do you have children? Do you not ever get stressed.

no one negatively on this post should be on here you absolute imbeciles. She has every right to feel how she does

People really reading this wrong.

She had no problem with kid 1 until the father had kid 2 and kid 3 with her and treated those children as inferior.

This

Its always double standards

They want their partner to shove the stepchild away and have limited contact with them, but heaven forbid if that ever happened to the shared children 🙄

So many men favour their first kids. Out of guilt. Everyone loses out.

It’s a natural instinct to protect your children and their interests. However he’s only having his son eow and 2 dinners so they have far more time with him. How long do the football matches actually last, surely they’re home for lunch?

"he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us."

Read this sentence back to yourself and reflect how you'd feel if your kids were in your step son's position in the future. If you split with your dp & he got another partner who was similar to you. Your kids could potentially be treated the same way you treat your own stepson. Just stop and think about that for a second.

Reading between the lines is the real problem that eow stepson comes to yours and your Dh buggers off with him to football or something fun leaving you with the younger two kids to parent the whole weekend on your own??
If this is the case, send all the kids with him, so you get some free time?