Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

Some years just organise your own birthday with your family on the weekend when DSS is at his Mum's place.
Then you have some time with your folks and kids and DP without your DSS feeling left out.

Your DSS would have a special meal with his mother and her family and friends for her birthday; so it's not odd or different.

When it's your DP's birthday, of course DSS would be included.

When you get together with anyone who has a child/children you have to accept that the children are part of the package with that person. It's hard, personally I wouldn't do it myself, because I think blended families are difficult and cause all sorts of difficult feelings and tricky relationships. But you have chosen your partner, he has a child, and you have to take them both together.

Think about a different situation: you are single and have your 2 DCs, they still sometimes see their dad. But your new guy doesn't want your 2 DC at his family event, because they are not his kids. Wouldn't be acceptable right?

You and me both, @Justwastingtime …
I’m only a bit younger than you and not sure I’ll ever ”grow up” and feel differently.
This is why - while I don’t doubt having stepchildren is annoying at times, and as step-parents above have pointed out, step-parents are sometimes tolerated and not loved by the stepchildren - it doesn’t make the situation equal.

The stepchildren didn’t choose a divorce, new partners and blending families. More importantly, they are CHILDREN. So yes, having a stepchild might be a challenge but if you’re old enough to be a step-parent you’re old enough to act like an adult. A few challenging years as an adult is nowhere near as detrimental as a few challenging years during your childhood.

I haven't voted as I am not sure if I think you are being unreasonable but do fear you are not being practical

You are having a family occasion for you. In other circumstances you would absolutely be supported on Mumsnet in having you want there.....look at all the wedding threads....but of course it's never that easy in real life.

Does your husband know that you feel that he doesn't make the same effort with his other 2 children as the eldest? Is this really because he misses him or because the older child has become easier for him to engage plus he has practised communication with him as he has to on the days he is not resident with you. Obviously it's highly likely to be a combination of all 3.

Personally I wouldn't bring all this to a head for your 30th. If it's not a child free meal then - unless massive behaviour issues - then of course all the children should come. The issue here is that you are resentful now of the child / Dad relationship. You may have very valid points but it honestly isn't likely to go well if you make your husband choose because hopefully he is a decent bloke and wouldn't abandon any of his children

You’re the kind of step mum, every single parent dreads. Petty and nasty

Do you ever get to have normal meals out now and then with just you 4?

I'm all for including the stepson in as much as you can and rightly so but I think maybe if you're not getting ANY time out as a family of 4 here and there every few months then I can see why the resentment is building up for you.

How does this work anyway- surely on the weekends with mum you could go out just the 4 of you but still do stuff when he comes too.

@tacosforbreakfast

Makes me wonder if he was having an affair with the OP and that is the reason she doesn't want her SS around

I dont think YABU to not want him at your 30th TBH .Family things yes EOW and tea times OK ,but that is about you and your birthday .

@Sky1248

You are being ridiculous.

2 tea times a week and every other weekend…. He takes him to one activity he is engaged with on his weekend only.

Presuming you are a first time mum - whenever your kids are older he will likely take them to 3-4 activities they are engaged with - each!!!

Regards FaceTime… your kids are 9 months and 3 years… how much scintillating conversation do you think they can muster compared to a 9 year old?!

Your partner is trying to remain engaged with his son whom he doesn’t live with, it seems responsible.

Of course he should come to your birthday, you are his stepmum!!

You knew what you were taking on, you have three kids to cater for and it is a juggle. You only have the step son less than half the time… what are you doing the rest of the time if you want time to be more meaningful - schedule your stuff for then. If it is a trip away or something big expect your partner to want to invite his son.

Also, you need to get married if you want any sort of stability or legal rights. Considering your partners history of leaving relationship with a child.

@Sky1248

i don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I’ll say it till I’m blue in the face.

i have a 2 year old with someone who’s got elder children.

He has his eldest eow which is absolutely fine but do I love the weekends it’s just us with no 4 of us in one room a two tvs a play station and my partner feeling under pressure to meet everyone’s needs for 48 hours straight? Yes, yes I do.

do I like my step son? Yes. Do I like my routine yes? Do I want my step son at everything we do? No? Because I want it to be about my child and me with her dad/my partner where all attention is on us. They get plenty of 1-1 time with playing and watching football going park going anywhere age related.. so it’s only right we get that to. I mean my partner and his ex still get on so football is there time to support their child without me and our child.

you are not in the wrong for wanting a one off time alone every now and then it’s not like it’s every week.

YABU. He was there first. You don't get to brush him under the carpet now your own little darlings are here. If, God forbid, something happened to his mother, you'd have him 100% of the time for the next ten-15 years. What would you do then?

If you want to be with a man who comes with a child, this is the deal. No ifs, no buts.

Be thankful he's a decent man and a good dad who wants to be fully involved in his son's life and have him as an important part of your family, every bit as important as the two kids you've had together.

If he was the sort of man prepared to see his first child less in order to prioritise his second family, then bear in mind that should you ever split up, he'd have no hesitation on doing that to your children too, one day.

And by the way, every woman who gets together with a man who already has a child, then goes on to have her own with him, says that their step child is naughty, rude, spoiled or manipulative. They are not, they are just normal kids usually behaving typically for their age and perhaps reacting to having younger half siblings that make them feel insecure about their place in their dad's life. And frankly when we read posts like yours, it's easy to see how they might feel like that.

One more thing - to all the people including OP who feel that it’s obvious she should get to choose who she wants at her significant birthday party, whether or not that includes the step-child. (As in ”I don’t like my SC, AIBU to only have people I like at my party?”)

Just know that you can’t exclude SC and then at other times claim that ”all DC should be treated the same” or that you always treat all DC as equal. You can, of course surround yourself with ”good-vibes only” at your own party. But you SC, DH and possibly quite a few other people, will make note of this not including SC.

So you never saw your in-laws for those occasions either?

So presumable SS can go to birthday celebrations if they happen to fall on one of 'his' days?

@Annonnnn

my step son has never spent a birthday of mine with me in the 4 birthdays I’ve had and he’s only spent one of his dads birthdays with him in that time too. So no he doesn’t have to be there.

i think 2 tea times per week and every other week is sufficient. He doesn’t need to be including in every last thing cause where is hie time and life with his actual mother? Why can’t she use her designated time to do things and engage with her child why does dad need to don it all. That was my argument with my partner a year or so ago when he was doing this although now it’s got better and I sometimes ask if we can include step
child but as often as this would annoy me because it isn’t the same for a step mother.

I can honestly say it was a breeze before I had my child we had step son every week 1 weekend off in 6 it worked. But there’s now something about putting my child to bed on a weekend step child free and having time with my partner.

If a step-parent doesn't include their step-child in family events like significant birthdays, or Christmas, or holidays, birthdays of their other children etc - then they are saying "and you are not part of MY family". That's pretty callous and unpleasant, even you genuinely feel it. I find it hard to understand how some step-mothers on Mumsnet can happily compartmentalise their emotions like this.

An adult should have boundaries and not allowing a child, your own or a step child, to spoil your celebration because they are rude to other people is a perfectly reasonable boundary.

You come across as more insane and unreasonable with every updated post

Wow.

God, I HATE these threads.

And people say that children aren't affected by divorce...

I wonder for how many that is actually the case.

😂😂😂😂😂😂
Are you 30 or 13?
Grow up.

Or maybe they should deal with the rudeness?

It's fine for the OP to deal with that if her husband won't.

She does do things with her dh and "own" children, most of the time! She's only moaning about special events, not the compulsory drudgery of contact time.

Compensate?

Your DH needs to be his dad for the rest of his life. You knew he already had a son when you started your relationship.

This is a child, a human being with feelings. Any rudeness is probably to mask feelings of awkwardness. All behaviour is communication, so listen to what he’s saying with his.

Please don’t make him feel less than- he has already lost out 😔.

You do realise your partner should treat BOTH his children the same. Your child is not ‘more’ his child than his son is.

Quite right. However, the OP wasn’t ”AIBU to not want a child to spoil my party?”.