Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

I think you need to rephrase:

”Because his dad HAD him, we need to INCLUDE AND TAKE CARE OF HIM for the rest of his life”

There, fixed it for ya.

Things like this are why the evil stepmother cliche exists.

He doesn't even have his son all the time? And you want to limit it even more?

You got into a relationship with a man who had a child. That doesn't mean when you have your own children you can cut the oldest child out because you'd just prefer it that way.

Maybe try flipping this the other way. So, you have a son from previous relationship and now are remarried , and have 2 children with your bew husband. Your husband doesn't understand why your eldest should be included in family events.
What would you think or do?

P.S.i am sure there's a small %% of women out there who would say it's not an issue at all and ship the eldest to his dad.

Honestly, what did you expect?

That somehow he was going to ignore his oldest child and be completely attentive to the two children he has with you. Well, that was never likely. If he ignored his oldest child, the odds are he would ignore yours as well.

If your DSS was also yours, he would be taking him to his football training and matches every weekend.

The point is your DH has a child. He wants that child always to be part of his family. So YABU. I agree you should not have married a man with a child feeling the way you do.

Are you suggesting that OP doesn't treat SC kindly and fairly when he's at their house because she wants to also have some time with her DH and DC when SC is with his mum??

She didn't want to have her birthday party dictated to her. What a demon!

Absolutely this

That's fine to a point, the point with mine is if they want to be included they aren't rude to people. If one of them is rude to people at say my birthday celebration they'd be told to apologise and raise their game or they wouldn't be coming next time.

Then your issue is with your DH not the DSS…direct your anger towards the right person

This is absurd. Who said they are exempt from discipline? I even made a point of mentioning they are polite kids.

You don’t need to jump to the extreme of not disciplining at all just because I said he wouldn’t be able to discipline to the same degree. And it’s not about having to “suffer” their mum, again are you deliberately misunderstanding?? The issue is they don’t see their dad 13 days out of every fortnight. Her own kids in comparison get every single dinner and bedtime with their Dad (and mum) , except maybe occasionally during the once in a fortnight where his eldest kids come over.

It’s really not hard to understand.

YANBU but you will get a hard time on mumsnet. It’s boils my piss.

Your life doesn’t stop and shouldn’t be put on hold for DSS. Neither should your children’s.

Personally, I would stick to the agreed contact routine and if he’s there, fine. If he’s not there, that’s fine too. DSS would probably benefit from the routine to be honest.

You can’t treat all the children the same or there circumstances are hugely different. Fair and equal are not the same thing.

YABU op

This is just so weird. I really don't think the OP 'gets it' at all.

All I hope is that at some point in the future some other woman doesn't treat her kids they way she is behaving towards her stepson. Karma can be a bitch.

What a horrible post.

The DSS is part of the family.

What’s horrible about it? She’s right.

Yep. This.

SC has parents who separated. He lives over 2 families. When he is with his mum he is loved and accepted, when he's with dad and OP, same thing.

Wanting to spend time just her DH and other DC when the custody arrangements mean that he isn't with them is absolutely acceptable.

Surely this is not real?!

If you get into a relationship with someone with kids, then you know they’re going to be a big part of your lives for the rest of your lives and there’s a possibility of them being there FT.

What if something happened to the mum and he had to live with you FT?!

Your DSS already sees his dad much less than the other kids and trying to begrudge him a couple of extra hours is such a shitty attitude to have.

I have a child and I couldn’t imagine having kids with a new man and then my current child not being included.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone who wouldn’t want to invite their child to everything that their other children are invited to.

I’m shocked he is still in a relationship with you tbh.

Unbelievable.

@Sky1248 You too could well end up being a single parent with your bio children.
Would you not want your ex to see your children regularly?

WHY so women get with fathers with children if they want a stepchild free life?

Crazy.

He will be his dad's son for the rest of his life, you got this right.

@Simonandhalfuncle how would the woman's life be 'on hold' when her husband has his kid a pathetically few number of days a year? He's already in deadbeat territory.

I’ll never understand it @oakleaffy I think it’s just pure selfishness and a touch of immaturity, lack of foresight etc .

And I say this as someone who admits I’m not cut out to be a stepparent and have had to walk away from otherwise very eligible men. If you can’t hack it stay the heck away from these men with children .

He doesn't get to opt out of being a father just because he left early.
Imagine if you 2 split later down the track, how woud you like your children to be treated.

Compensate, no. Parent, yes. He has to parent for a loooong time to come, as he hopefully will with his other children 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Really, these things are basic. Can you imagine not wanting your children around all the time?

They come as a package, you knew this when you got with him.

@Obeast
it reads to me, happy for OP to correct me, that DH only wants to do things if DSS can be involved. I imagine this means he doesnt like taking the other kids out, etc without DSS. Often this means they have to wait for DSS to do anything nice.

If DSS is having a nice time with his mum, why can DC have a nice time with theirs (and dad given they live with him).

There a five members of their family, all of which are equally important. DSS time shouldn’t dictate anything.

We can’t comment on contact arrangements, mums aren’t always happy for 50:50. Tea twice a week and EOW might be all she agreed to