Step daughter makes me feel so unhappy in my own home

[Futurebride]

I'm not really asking for advice but not sure what else to try to make things better. Sorry this goes on a bit.

My SD age 13 won't acknowledge me and its got worse since I married her fantastic dad. I've known her for 7 years, she was always cold toward me but I thought in time things would improve. Eventually they did a little, but since the wedding things have deteriorated. SDs mum is jealous and intentionally unhelpful and works against us - we have standards and are trying to bring SD up to be a respectful, balanced person but SDs Mum won't work with us on discipline (she thinks it's OK for SD to shout F Off in my face and says she doesn't care what goes on in our house) and won't remove privileges for really bad behaviour like we do, so we are seen as the bad guys.

SD is increasingly difficult (knowing her mum will back her up). She won't acknowledge me or talk to me. She leaves the room purposely saying goodbye Dad, goodbye Dog, but not me. She increasingly harps on about the times before I was in her life. She says the sky is green if I say it is blue. I cook her favourite food then she refuses to eat it. She is refusing to do anything her Dad asks her to and is rude. In addition, we have the usual teenage battles of too much phone time, only coming out her room to eat, refusing to engage in household activities when we give her the choice of what to do together, refusing to clean her room etc. She has vaped at 12, smoked joint and now just had sex at 13.

Her attitude is so awful toward me and her Dad that the atmosphere is now awful in my own home. She genuinely believes she can do what she wants in life. We have suggested she perhaps spends more time with her Mum but she doesn't want to (as she has a friend near our house). I have an older daughter so I know about teenagers but SD is is on a different level. We have never criticised her mum in front of her. I have only once tried to intervene in discipline when she was screaming at her Dad and that went very wrong. In 7 years I have always bit my tongue on her manners and behaviour and try to address them through her Dad. He has been good in trying to address her behaviour and they used to have a close relationship as he has spent so much time doing outdoorsy things with her, but now he is at a loss what to do, esp with the promiscuity this week. SD is already having counseling at our suggestion as she wont talk to us. I have always been kind to her and not get involved with discipline, but it has got a lot worse not helped by the fact her Mum says her Dad doesn't want to know her since he got married! (We are dealing with a jealous witch) We are therefore dealing with 2 children and just don't know how to make things better for all of us. She is with us every other week but I now feel like I don't want to be here when SD is , yet it is my house.

"which she has every right to feel"

She can feel what she likes but she doesn't get to be abusive. Doesn't work like that. We all have feelings but we don't all abuse people.

Your DH needs to sort it out op. Id step back. If she wants to ignore you? Fine. Don't cook for her. Don't wash her clothes. Don't do anything for her. Let her dad deal with her. Just literally don't give her any reaction. She'll probably get bored. It's no fun telling someone to fuck off if you don't get the reaction is it?

What do you actually think the police are going to do?
Do you not remember being 13? I was way off having boyfriends or contemplating sex at that age, but I think most of us could name classmates or friends or acquaintances who started having sex at 13 or 14 or 15. How it was dealt with depended on the situation. From memory the girl I knew with learning difficulties to got pregnant at 13 to an older boyfriend had social service and police involvement. All the friends and acquaintances who began having sex in their early teens with similar age peers had no police involvement. Sometimes their parents tried to stop it by grounding them etc. Mostly nothing very much happened. Calling school safeguarding is a good shout because they will be able to make any support they have available to the step daughter - could be some counseling to check out the situation, definitely sexual health stuff to make sure she’s protected from pregnancy and STDs. The police are only going to be interested in pursuing this is the sexual partners are adults and/or if there’s clear evidence of exploitation or grooming.
To be clear I don’t think it’s okay for 13year olds to have sex, but calling the Police is not a helpful response in the majority of cases.

I think cutting down your interaction with her sounds like a good plan, bit like a benign version of gray rocking?

The context is completely irrelevant. A verbal attack is still an attack.

your statement is there in black and white, own it.

oh, and stopping to personal insults doesn’t make your argument look any more valid.

The police would be interested as it’s a different offense at 13 than at 14/15.

Although I do think it’s more sensible to contact social services instead

Of course context is important. When a black and white comment is made in response to another one, of course the initial comment is important

Idiots everywhere

Not when describing an action that is the same in any context. The SD screaming F off at her SM is still a verbal attack just as it would be if it were to be a random person screaming at me on the street.

Not sure what you don’t get about that? Anyway, I’ve made my point. Stay classy 👏

I was going to.put what others have said . If she is in then you should go out . Time your work, shopping, gym visits to friends and family all so it's when she's about . DH will have to deal with her and her DM . DH will have to sort out meals, school , uniforms etc . You've tried- it isn't working. You've done your best . You'll be surprised how quickly the time goes till she leaves home. I'm.sorry but I can't see any other way .

'Bad apple' , 'promiscuous' , her mum 'a jealous witch'.
Wonder why she dislikes you 🤔

It’s not a different offence. UNDER 13 and it’s statutory rape as a child of that age can’t consent. Between 13 and 16 it’s sexual activity with a child.

Social services would involve the Police as a criminal offence has been committed

And that would be investigated when this happened before she turned 13. Being so close to the limit it would be of interest.

What a sad situation. At some point it might be necessary to unpick how this point was reached, but not in a blame game way; more to understand it and use that understanding to find a solution.

I don't think it's helpful to frame this in terms of OP v SD and who has greater rights. That's just going to make things worse and result in one of them feeling the other is more important to the man at the centre of this situation. I think each issue needs to be dealt with separately from the OP's perspective about what she can and cannot tolerate. Ultimately, while she does have a moral obligation towards SD (because you do when you move on with someone who has DC) it is not on the same level as the parent and she does have the option of disengaging if a respectful compromise cannot be found - in fact I'd encourage it (while making it clear the door is open).

First off, this is a 13 year old girl. Her behaviour is indicative of significant safeguarding concerns. I would want to know who she has had sex with. If the males concerned are older and/or multiple, this is at best a form of self harm and at worse indicative of sexual exploitation. If she's got a steady boyfriend and it's just him, it may be a bit different (still not ideal but happens) but somehow I doubt that. Add in drugs, rages, refusal to engage - many will see an obnoxious child but I see a traumatised one. Such behaviour is so, so typical. What has been done about this? Who is involved? What have the school said? Social services? Police? DH should definitely be taking a leading role in this if he genuinely loves his daughter. Even if he's not the primary carer he has PR rights to be a part of these discussions and advocate for his daughter.

In the OPs shoes I would try to talk to the SD to tell her that you can see she is unhappy and that you accept that in SDs eyes you are part of the unhappiness. Therefore you are going to step back and let her father parent her and mostly stay out of it. However, you want the best for her and will happily talk if she decides she wants to in future. Then I would do the things you have to do but no more. For example, if cooking a family meal, obviously include her and never cook something you know she dislikes, but no need to cook only her favourite foods either - she'll likely see that as ingratiating. If she shouts at you, simply respond as a PP suggested and then calmly walk away.

If you don't get anywhere and the household continues to feel toxic, you have a choice of vacating the house yourself, asking DH to (although that will likely damage SD's relationship with you both further) or ultimately walking away.

It’s going to depend on the age of the boy/man involved though. If she’s started a sexual relationship with a similar age boy from school and they are both under 16 then it’s not going to be treated as a criminal case. Assuming OP is in the UK, the police avoid criminalizing underage teens for sexual relationships with each other. If this was my kid I would be starting with social services through school and then escalating to the police if adult men (over 18) were involved and I would want social services advice on how to deal with it if the boy was 16-17. I’d also involve Police if there was any evidence of exploitation even if the boy or boys were underage.

If the kids are a similar age, it is not regarded as anyone being exploited

A little grey rock here could go a long way. SDD needs to understand that her behaviour is not acceptable or fair on the household. As other pps have suggested let your husband deal with his daughter - if you are cooking meals then include her too but we all have meals we don't particularly like - she will have to do the same as the rest of us - eat it or make some toast!!
No-one knows if she behaves in this way with her own mother and in any case shouldn't care. But you can set the rules in your house and if she refuses then DH should take her home to Mum and say we'll see you next time!! You are not saying she can't come but you are saying that she cannot continue to behave without consequences. It isn't that she isn't 'loved' but her attitude and behaviour isn't loved!! But DH should also be onto his DD's school to let them know there are issues regarding safeguarding and what would they suggest?

“But you can set the rules in your house and if she refuses then DH should take her home to Mum and say we'll see you next time!!”

Her dad does not get to dump this problem on her mum. They are equal parents.

Or are you also saying that if SD misbehaves for her mum, then mum can drop her round with dad?

I wouldn't accept anyone screaming 'Fuck Off' in my face in my own home. I am not prepared to stay in an abusive relationship with anyone.

If it were me I would tell DH she was no longer welcome to stay in my house and that whilst he, naturally, wanted to still see her he'd have to do it elsewhere. That I wasn't being treated like shit anymore.

She needs to learn that if you treat people like shit they have every right to decide they don't want you around. I don't care how old she is - she's old enough to understand this. Why should anyone tolerate this kind of treatment?

You don’t get to decide whether you want your own 13 year old around or not. Whether OP likes it or not she is married a man with a daughter who has every right to be at home with her dad.

If she wasn’t prepared to deal with a teen (and let’s be real most teens aren’t fans of their step parents) then she shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with her DH, end of.

There’d be a lot of homeless teenagers wandering the streets if everyone agreed with your style of parenting 🙄

I wonder if saying “I just didn’t want them around” would be a good enough reason for a parent to justify to the authorities why they turfed their 13 year old child out of the home….

Being a parent is different. OP is not the parent of this child.

So because he remarried his home is no longer his daughter’s home too? And therefore it’s perfectly fine for him to tell her she’s not allowed in the house anymore?

What if the step daughter’s mother had also re-married and the step-daughter didn’t like him and played up for him too?

I’m assuming he’s allowed to tell her she’s not welcome there either?

So the step-father has the right to ban the daughter from that home, and the step-mother (OP) has the right to ban the daughter from this home……so what happens to the 13 year old then? Where does she get to live then? Perhaps a local B&B and the parents go and visit her there seeing as apparently it’s fine to turf a child out the home if the step-parents finds their behaviour difficult.

Is it your house, OP? Or did you buy it with DH? I know either way it's your home but I think I'd find it much harder to accept being treated that way in a property I own and lived in before being with DH.

Her behaviour sounds awful. That said, you chose to be with a man who has a child. She is clearly acting out because she blames you for her parent's split. If you met him very soon after they separated then it's understandable that she might see you as the barrier to her family being back together.

If you've really tried everything and you can't cope with her visits then I think you need to stay elsewhere when she visits. You can't ask DH not to see her and you can't expect him to find alternative accommodation every time.

It is worrying for her that she is sexually active so young. Has DH spoken to his ex about this?