Step daughter makes me feel so unhappy in my own home

[Futurebride]

I'm not really asking for advice but not sure what else to try to make things better. Sorry this goes on a bit.

My SD age 13 won't acknowledge me and its got worse since I married her fantastic dad. I've known her for 7 years, she was always cold toward me but I thought in time things would improve. Eventually they did a little, but since the wedding things have deteriorated. SDs mum is jealous and intentionally unhelpful and works against us - we have standards and are trying to bring SD up to be a respectful, balanced person but SDs Mum won't work with us on discipline (she thinks it's OK for SD to shout F Off in my face and says she doesn't care what goes on in our house) and won't remove privileges for really bad behaviour like we do, so we are seen as the bad guys.

SD is increasingly difficult (knowing her mum will back her up). She won't acknowledge me or talk to me. She leaves the room purposely saying goodbye Dad, goodbye Dog, but not me. She increasingly harps on about the times before I was in her life. She says the sky is green if I say it is blue. I cook her favourite food then she refuses to eat it. She is refusing to do anything her Dad asks her to and is rude. In addition, we have the usual teenage battles of too much phone time, only coming out her room to eat, refusing to engage in household activities when we give her the choice of what to do together, refusing to clean her room etc. She has vaped at 12, smoked joint and now just had sex at 13.

Her attitude is so awful toward me and her Dad that the atmosphere is now awful in my own home. She genuinely believes she can do what she wants in life. We have suggested she perhaps spends more time with her Mum but she doesn't want to (as she has a friend near our house). I have an older daughter so I know about teenagers but SD is is on a different level. We have never criticised her mum in front of her. I have only once tried to intervene in discipline when she was screaming at her Dad and that went very wrong. In 7 years I have always bit my tongue on her manners and behaviour and try to address them through her Dad. He has been good in trying to address her behaviour and they used to have a close relationship as he has spent so much time doing outdoorsy things with her, but now he is at a loss what to do, esp with the promiscuity this week. SD is already having counseling at our suggestion as she wont talk to us. I have always been kind to her and not get involved with discipline, but it has got a lot worse not helped by the fact her Mum says her Dad doesn't want to know her since he got married! (We are dealing with a jealous witch) We are therefore dealing with 2 children and just don't know how to make things better for all of us. She is with us every other week but I now feel like I don't want to be here when SD is , yet it is my house.

Actually a well-known hidden form of domestic abuse is a child, who can be anything from upper primary age, abusing including physically one/both parents or anyone else in their household.

The reason this abuse is hidden is because posters like you refuse to acknowledge that children can be abusive to both adults and other children in their household.

Really wish people would stop conflating the kind of threat that a large and physically aggressive teen (who is regardless still categorised as a child) might pose with the absolute non-threat of a 13-year-old girl literally trying to escape the psychological pressure being put on her by her father and stepmother by screaming at them to fuck off.

@CheekyHobson

Really wish people would stop conflating the kind of threat that a large and physically aggressive teen (who is regardless still categorised as a child) might pose with the absolute non-threat of a 13-year-old girl literally trying to escape the psychological pressure being put on her by her father and stepmother by screaming at them to fuck off.
Sadly it is beliefs such as yours that allows abuse to go undetected in society. Abusers are not always physically dominant. Women abuse men. 13 year old can be abusers.

I do agree that this 13 year old sounds damaged and struggling. That doesn't mean they are not also committing abuse.

I don’t need to be lectured about abuse, I’ve lived it, thanks.

This child is not abusing her parents. She is, as you say, damaged and struggling. She does not hold any real power in this situation.

And it's still not OPs problem to live with 🤷‍♀️

And she doesn’t have to. She is an empowered adult, unlike her step-daughter. If she doesn’t like cohabiting with someone whose child’s behaviour she finds difficult, she can end the co-habiting arrangement by selling up and getting her own separate home where the step-daughter is not welcome, even if her father is.

But it would be grossly controlling to tell her husband that his daughter is not welcome in THEIR shared home.

It's OPs house. Sure when you're married it's a bit more complicated than that but I'd be telling him to go and they can sort out the nuances through their divorce solicitors if he doesn't want to. No way I'd be leaving a house that I brought into the marriage so a 13yo who wasn't even my child and who treated me like shit could stay there.

You actually don’t know if it is the OP’s house. She has called it “my house” and “our house” and hasn’t been back to clarify the ownership status despite repeat questions.

Meh. Whatever the housing situation if I was being subjected to this I'd say you can either go or its not working.

I'd not be sticking around to be treated this way by a kid that wasn't even mine. I wouldn't really care what struggles were causing it to be honest. I wouldn't be willing to put up with it.

This isn’t good OP , is her dad that fantastic and worth it. Kids are a reflection of the parents and he is part of this. The girl sounds troubled , but this is horrible for you . I would leave or suggest the girl can only come round when she acknowledges you . She needs to grow up .

This. If anyone is disempowered here, it's clearly the OP. She literally has no good options and is an abuse victim, somehow being expected to step in and become the healer of the perpetrator. A recipe for disaster.

Whether or not the OP should have foreseen this and not engaged in the relationship up front - well we're not all perfect and sometimes make imperfect decisions based on hope. It's called being human.

The SD is vulnerable and has gone through trauma and needs help. She is also perpetrating abuse. Both can coexist. The OP is the victim of the abuse. The OP unfortunately has an awful lot to lose, but needs to safeguard herself.

It could also be that the SD has mental health challenges such as being bipolar, impulse control disorder... these things can manifest through the behaviours the OP describes and shouldn't be overlooked as a possible cause. In some of these cases, a medical approach can be incredibly helpful / effective in improving behaviour and the wellbeing of the family.

I would have a chat with the other adults involved, ask if they believe in the relevance of enquiring about a potential diagnosis, explain that the situation is untenable and you feel you have to involve social services as the behaviour is escalating.
Best case scenario, and this does happen.... people take action and things improve. But timebox it. Give it 6 months.

In the meantime, start planning a new life as you can continue to live like this, OP.

@Burntouted

What an absolutely dreadful post.

Gosh you’re a nasty cow aren’t you?

seriously?

I didn't say anything dreadful or unpleasant.

We must all recognize, learn from, and take responsibility for our actions to grow and potentially make positive changes in our lives.

It's appropriate to label the man as unfit and criticize his decision to introduce a new partner to his child. His priority should have been providing a stable environment for his child and focusing on her well-being, including therapy for both her and himself, as he adjusts to being a single parent.

A young child dealing with parental separation shouldn't be pressured to accept new romantic partners. Both he and the OP should have known better and avoided such a situation. Someone who values themselves wouldn't have pursued a relationship with him, and someone truly concerned about the child's welfare wouldn't have engaged in this chaotic scenario.

It's unacceptable for the parents to subject the child to such experiences and force her to share them, especially at her tender age. She's clearly distressed and has been voicing her discomfort, which is exacerbated by her age and the upheaval of puberty. It's evident that her needs have been neglected, and the current situation is detrimental to her well-being.

For her safety and happiness, the OP needs to remove herself from the equation. If the OP were a man, there would likely be more accountability placed on him for his actions.

These unfortunate children shouldn't be forced into blended families. Instead, the focus should be on providing them with therapy, support, and love from their parents, rather than introducing new step-parents.

Out of interest would you say the same thing to a women getting into a relationship with another man if her daughter was acting like op ?

@Burntouted

I’m really disappointed that your post has been deleted, because it was breathtaking.

No, it is not appropriate to call the father in this scenario “unfit” - that is grossly out of line.

It is wildly inappropriate that you told the op she had “had no place here and should leave”. She has been in her stepdaughters life for more than half of it. Do you really think her disappearance would dramatically improve things? An adult constant who she has known for half her life?

Separated parents are allowed to move on.

The only person who ‘has no place here and should leave’ is @Burntouted who 100% has no place on a board for step parenting.

Have you ever spent time just you and her? Maybe take her out somewhere the two of you. Address the elephant in the room directly and see if she opens up to you.

Again reams and reams of post excusing children’s poor behaviour because they’re parents split! My parents split, I was a step child but you can bet your bottom dollar this didn’t give me an excuse to be a complete disrespectful horrid human. Bad things happen the 13 year old is so far in the wrong and people saying she can come to the house and behave that way. No she can’t. It is not her house she does not pay for it. I would hope her dad would also support in saying we can talk about how you are feeling but your behaviour will not be tolerated in this house and I will not have op feeling this way in her own home. You will not display such disrespect again or I’m sorry it will be the last time you visit and we will make alternative arrangements for contact. If she’s old enough to act an adult she can bloody well take the consequences of it!

At 13 she is still a child and some PP need to remember that, and it sounds like she is a very troubled child who needs help. Who is she having sex with at 13? Has she been groomed? It si an offence to have sex with someone under 16. Also what has happened to her to make her so angry? This sort of behaviour doesn't come from nowhere.
She definitely has serious issues that need addressing but OP I think you need to stop trying to forge a relationship with her as it sounds as though that isn't working. Let her father deal with her. I don't think you can stop her visiting but could you do your own thing when she is staying with her dad?

Thank you for being the voice of reason amongst all the bullshit 👏

@Youcannotbeseriousreally just boils my piss that step kids can seemingly do whatever they want because their parents split up. Get real when does it stop?! Can’t go through life excusing poor behaviour. Just gives a feeling of entitlement and being untouchable. All the time it’s oh the kids come first the kids are a priority. Well when the kid is a vile little shit they need to understand the step parent also has importance and comes first if it’s a choice between excusing your shitty behaviour or them being respected. And as for living your life around what you kid wants. Good god no! Do you think they’ll be making choices based on their parents happiness. Absolutely not! They need stability and consistency not messages of you rule my life. You don’t have to like your step parents / step kids but you treat them with kindness as respect.

amen.

Just as well because the op is expected to put up with poor behaviour, at least there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. This kid might need support but teaching them that when you’re suffering it’s perfectly ok to make others suffer isn’t exactly setting them up for a future in the adult world where it definitely won’t be tolerated. I pity the children for having parents that don’t teach them life skills, civility and manners I really do.