Step daughter makes me feel so unhappy in my own home

[Futurebride]

I'm not really asking for advice but not sure what else to try to make things better. Sorry this goes on a bit.

My SD age 13 won't acknowledge me and its got worse since I married her fantastic dad. I've known her for 7 years, she was always cold toward me but I thought in time things would improve. Eventually they did a little, but since the wedding things have deteriorated. SDs mum is jealous and intentionally unhelpful and works against us - we have standards and are trying to bring SD up to be a respectful, balanced person but SDs Mum won't work with us on discipline (she thinks it's OK for SD to shout F Off in my face and says she doesn't care what goes on in our house) and won't remove privileges for really bad behaviour like we do, so we are seen as the bad guys.

SD is increasingly difficult (knowing her mum will back her up). She won't acknowledge me or talk to me. She leaves the room purposely saying goodbye Dad, goodbye Dog, but not me. She increasingly harps on about the times before I was in her life. She says the sky is green if I say it is blue. I cook her favourite food then she refuses to eat it. She is refusing to do anything her Dad asks her to and is rude. In addition, we have the usual teenage battles of too much phone time, only coming out her room to eat, refusing to engage in household activities when we give her the choice of what to do together, refusing to clean her room etc. She has vaped at 12, smoked joint and now just had sex at 13.

Her attitude is so awful toward me and her Dad that the atmosphere is now awful in my own home. She genuinely believes she can do what she wants in life. We have suggested she perhaps spends more time with her Mum but she doesn't want to (as she has a friend near our house). I have an older daughter so I know about teenagers but SD is is on a different level. We have never criticised her mum in front of her. I have only once tried to intervene in discipline when she was screaming at her Dad and that went very wrong. In 7 years I have always bit my tongue on her manners and behaviour and try to address them through her Dad. He has been good in trying to address her behaviour and they used to have a close relationship as he has spent so much time doing outdoorsy things with her, but now he is at a loss what to do, esp with the promiscuity this week. SD is already having counseling at our suggestion as she wont talk to us. I have always been kind to her and not get involved with discipline, but it has got a lot worse not helped by the fact her Mum says her Dad doesn't want to know her since he got married! (We are dealing with a jealous witch) We are therefore dealing with 2 children and just don't know how to make things better for all of us. She is with us every other week but I now feel like I don't want to be here when SD is , yet it is my house.

It's the OPs home, she says. He obviously moved in there.

His DD won't be homeless, she can stay with her mother - or he can move out and parent her somewhere else. She's not the OPs child and the OP has every right not to be insulted and belittled in her own home. She doesn't need to tolerate this unpleasantness.

But clearly women are not allowed to have any boundaries about what they will accept from other people's teenagers. And clearly nothing will improve if the SD is allowed to carry on behaving like this with no consequences to her.

I'd love to be able to swan around someone else's home treating them like shit, getting them to pay for everything, make my favourite meals and refusing to obey any rules and just do as I liked. But life doesn't work like that. They are not doing this girl any favours by allowing this behaviour to continue.

WTF have I just read?!

The stepdaughter is a ‘bad apple’?! I mean, she might be, not all children are nice, but there is no real evidence to support this. However, she is unquestionably deeply troubled.

The main question is what is her father doing as a parent? Lovely (OP’s words) doesn’t mean doormat. He needs to start introducing meaningful consequences for his daughter’s behaviour at his house. She needs grounding and having her electronics taken off her for bad behaviour. Ignoring OP shouldn’t be an option. She may not want to be there but she has to suck it up and learn basic manners.

Of course, at 13, if she wants to stay full time with her mother, she can. However, it doesn’t sound as if that is what either she or her mother wants. Yes, of course, ‘losing’ your daughter would be awful, but it is better than her feeling she can play one parent off against another. And, to be honest, I suspect after a while,
living in a house with zero boundaries would not be appealing.

As for the promiscuity, schools are quite good at that kind of stuff, so I would inform the safeguarding lead and make sure she is at least safe and not being abused or exploited.

I'm with @Youcannotbeseriousreally

They haven't sprung this on her, I think the Op said it was 7 years and then they've gotten married?

And not everything has to be because they are troubled, and yes, her mum could well be playing a part in this too.

It's shitty behaviour and she is getting away with it. At 13 she knows right from wrong, so if she can't behave appropriately she doesn't come round.

They are women who can vividly picture the moment their DH says to them 'I've met someone'. It scares the shit out of them. Though think about how they talk on here... you can imagine them in real life can't you? It wouldn't take much of a stretch of the imagination to think of their DH's with someone less vile!

@Futurebride Stop being wishy washy. Certainly stop making her her favourite meals for gods sake. She will not respect you acting like that. The LEAST you should expect is basic manners. Tell your DH and SD that unless she can speak to you with basic courtesy she isn't welcome in YOUR home. If you dont feel comfortable doing that, tell your DH that while she treats you so terribly, you will not have anything to do with her at all. Grey rock. Ignore. Any 'issues she has are the result of choices her parents have made, DO NOT be anyones punching bag.
The excuses made on here for stepchildren are mind boggling but very funny. I dont care what 'issues' she may or may nor have, she needs to be taught that you cannot go through life treating others like shit. It is really that simple.

Why should she?

I'm with you both on this. If someone considers a 13 yo girl having sex to be "promiscuous" instead of "at risk" and "potentially exploited" then they have no business being involved in the care of that child.

Remember that there is one vulnerable legal minor here and it ain't the OP.

This. It's obvious that the OP holds this girl and her mother in contempt. The girl has picked up on it and is returning fire with both barrels.

It is shitty behaviour, but we already know from OP that this girl is taking drugs, vaping and has had sex. She is not happy, she is being exploited (having sex). That is far worse behaviour from the parents.

Totally unacceptable, the girl needs a stable and loving family home, not tit for tat, ultimatums and a record of who bought what and paid for what. Appalling, selfish and childish parenting.

How would @Futurebride feel if her child were going through what her step-daughter is going through?

Presumably op wouldn't be acting like the mother in this situation and would be actually dealing with it.

You can't ask how she'd feel as the parent because this likely wouldn't have happened.

They are women who can vividly picture the moment their DH says to them 'I've met someone'. It scares the shit out of them.

I can vividly recall the moment that my mother announced that her bf was moving in. That's why I sympathise with this girl. It's horrible because, as a child, you can't move out.

Not all of us...when my mum told me her & her new partner were buying a house together I was really happy as I really liked him and he was a huge role model for me growing up....I was 9 at the time.

Likewise, I'm now a step mum to a beautiful, funny & sassy little girl who I met when I was 4 and when we told her my Dad & I were moving in together she gave me a huge hug and was so happy.

Blended families are really not all doom & gloom!!!

How would @Futurebride feel if her child were going through what her step-daughter is going through?

She would most likely be more proactive in dealing with it. Sounds like SD drew the short straw there. I have never understood mothers and fathers who would rather damage their children than try and effectively co parent.
Your DH needs to stop being so wishy washy too. He needs to work really hard at dealing with the weed and sex. I would be beside myself if that was one of mine. She's 13. Step back from SD and support him to do more. Again, you shouldn't be the punchbag, this is for her parents to fix.

SD is already having counseling at our suggestion

This jumped out at me and appears to have been overlooked by many on here, For me it begs the question what's the mother's part in all of this? If DSD was my daughter I'd be trying my hardest to get her help but it seems to me that the mother doesn't give a damn otherwise she would be speaking to the child's father to help., but instead it's the OP and her DH that are the ones actively trying to help this girl.

I wouldn't allow her to stay in my home if this is how you are going to be treated so that's the first change I would implement. She can meet up with and spend time with her dad on their weekend and if this means she has to sleep at her mums then so be it. It might make her realise that there are consequences to her actions. She can't say that you are stopping her from seeing her Dad, you're just not allowing her to come in to your home while she behaves so appallingly. Also if she's not wanting to spend more time at her mums then maybe this will be the kick up the bum she needs.

This 👏👏

I spent years working in child protection and agree with you. It’s going to need investigating even if both parties are kids in so much as there may have be grooming/pressure on the child to have sex. I don’t believe a thirteen year old fully understands the implications of having sex so young. It’s certainly a reg flag for further digging to be done. She sounds like a deeply unhappy little girl. I hope she can get some help.

And when step-dad says the same, the girl sleeps where? It's not for the stepmother to kick a child out of their father's home.

I wouldn't accept anyone screaming 'Fuck Off' in my face in my own home. I am not prepared to stay in an abusive relationship with anyone.

You are confusing adult-adult relationships with child-adult relationships. You absolutely cannot compare them. An adult screaming 'Fuck off' at another person is abusive. A child screaming 'Fuck off' at an adult is overwhelmed, out of control and at a loss for other tools by which they can be heard and understood.

(Okay technically the adult screaming 'Fuck off' is also overwhelmed and lacking tools but in general we expect them to have become mature enough to manage their own behaviour better.)

A 13-year-old is still a child, and one who seems emotionally immature and reactive, most likely due to a) the upheaval of a conflictual divorce, b) being weaponised by her mother and c) not having her admittedly quite difficult and complex feelings sufficiently recognised/validated as legitimate by her father and the new stepmother in her life, both of whom seem to regard parenting as a process of punishment and control in the service of 'perfecting' a child, instead of a process of attunement, understanding, patient guidance and good role-modelling to help the child understand themselves and how to operate well in the world.

Everyone gliding over the fact this is OPs house.

Which was what was stated in the first post.

Well if she wasn’t prepared for it to also be her husband and his daughter’s house too then she shouldn’t have married him.

Not gliding over it - the OP says our house, my home etc interchangeably. There’s no indication to me that it’s not owned jointly by her and her DH.

Whoever owns the house, it is the home
of the two adults and two teens who live there - OP, DH, DD and DSD.

Yawn.

It’s now yawn, it’s the truth.

Before me and DH were married I moved into his house and I would hate it if he still thought of it as ‘his’ house and I’m just his wife who lives in it with him.

It’s just really boring. We know. But have you actually read what the OP is being subjected to?

the behaviour is completely unacceptable in any housing circumstances , but when people start suggesting the OP moves out of her house to give space it becomes even more ridiculous.

and sorry , but you’d be the first to go if the same situation happened at yours whether you believe it or not!

The main question is what is her father doing as a parent? Well the OP said that both she and the father have got the child counselling....so the main question is what is her mother doing as a parent?