Step daughter makes me feel so unhappy in my own home

[Futurebride]

I'm not really asking for advice but not sure what else to try to make things better. Sorry this goes on a bit.

My SD age 13 won't acknowledge me and its got worse since I married her fantastic dad. I've known her for 7 years, she was always cold toward me but I thought in time things would improve. Eventually they did a little, but since the wedding things have deteriorated. SDs mum is jealous and intentionally unhelpful and works against us - we have standards and are trying to bring SD up to be a respectful, balanced person but SDs Mum won't work with us on discipline (she thinks it's OK for SD to shout F Off in my face and says she doesn't care what goes on in our house) and won't remove privileges for really bad behaviour like we do, so we are seen as the bad guys.

SD is increasingly difficult (knowing her mum will back her up). She won't acknowledge me or talk to me. She leaves the room purposely saying goodbye Dad, goodbye Dog, but not me. She increasingly harps on about the times before I was in her life. She says the sky is green if I say it is blue. I cook her favourite food then she refuses to eat it. She is refusing to do anything her Dad asks her to and is rude. In addition, we have the usual teenage battles of too much phone time, only coming out her room to eat, refusing to engage in household activities when we give her the choice of what to do together, refusing to clean her room etc. She has vaped at 12, smoked joint and now just had sex at 13.

Her attitude is so awful toward me and her Dad that the atmosphere is now awful in my own home. She genuinely believes she can do what she wants in life. We have suggested she perhaps spends more time with her Mum but she doesn't want to (as she has a friend near our house). I have an older daughter so I know about teenagers but SD is is on a different level. We have never criticised her mum in front of her. I have only once tried to intervene in discipline when she was screaming at her Dad and that went very wrong. In 7 years I have always bit my tongue on her manners and behaviour and try to address them through her Dad. He has been good in trying to address her behaviour and they used to have a close relationship as he has spent so much time doing outdoorsy things with her, but now he is at a loss what to do, esp with the promiscuity this week. SD is already having counseling at our suggestion as she wont talk to us. I have always been kind to her and not get involved with discipline, but it has got a lot worse not helped by the fact her Mum says her Dad doesn't want to know her since he got married! (We are dealing with a jealous witch) We are therefore dealing with 2 children and just don't know how to make things better for all of us. She is with us every other week but I now feel like I don't want to be here when SD is , yet it is my house.

You think parents kick out their 13 year old children if they display the same behaviour that SD is?

I will have to go back and re-read the OP’s posts then as I don’t recall her saying that SD was attacking her (or worse).

@NorthernSpirit I am so so sorry you went though this

If a random person on the street screamed ‘f off’ in your face you wouldn’t consider it to be a verbal attack?

It’s not relevant what a random person (child, I think you meant) in the street would constitute.

A 13 year old, in one of her homes, is shouting fuck off at a family member. That does not make the house no longer her home

Probably not no. As I can just walk away.

The fact people are actively encouraging this lady to kick her step child out of her fathers home is just disgusting

Did you apologize to your father?

@Futurebride Please do consider making a safeguarding report to social services or at least her school regarding the sexual activity, along with the drugs and vaping.

It would be a very good idea to continue with the horse riding and even increase it. Your SD needs something wholesome in her life. Important to remember that SD is not just 50% your DH's responsibility, but 100% both of their responsibility. If her mum is not fulfilling her parenting role, then DH needs to step up 100%. Stop nit picking and bean counting, it is a distraction that is directly harming this girl.

Interesting. I think people often presume 'bitter' to mean 'jealous someone else got their ex' when the reality is they absolutely do NOT want him back. However, I absolutely know many, many ex wives who are simultaneously skipping down the street thanks to divorcing a husband, but who are equally furious when he moves on and achieves happiness. It's often not the karmic result they were hoping for. My own best mate is absolutely delighted not to be with her ex, but is very, very 'irked' that his new wife is younger/childfree/earns more. She doesn't want him but freely admits she is super bitter/jealous that he got the happy ending (in her opinion, who really knows...) that she is still looking for.

No, I didn’t mean child, i said what I meant. It’s not acceptable for anyone to do that to anyone, 13 or not!

A child at 13 can not give consent. I would be at the very least calling social services about that or the police.

I personally have had difficulties with my SC but what solved it was a caring but firm united front from myself and my partner. Immediate consequences for actions and lots of rewards and praise too. Equally it's important to ensure you are politically neutral with ex partner- either don't mention or try and be as non confrontational about their other parent.

You need to sit with your husband come up with a plan of action. What happens if she ignores you, swears at you, doesn't respect the home etc. and whatever you decide follow through- consistency is the key!

In the same vein you need to praise the good no matter how small. We have a box of post it notes. They folded half of them blank and the other half they wrote prizes on them (one high value, rest small things like sweets or choosing tea or a magazine etc) they chose them. Then when they do something good we say go and choose a post it. If they get a blank one it teaches them that you do good things for no reward, if they are lucky they get a prize. My SC are so invested in this box of postits.

It's a long game, it's not a quick fix. But the above worked for us and now I have a much better relationship with my SC.

I would be reporting the sex and drugs at 13 to the safeguarding lead at school and seeking their help - potentially from social services. That is a kid crying out for help and support.

There are many things most deem unacceptable. No one said it was acceptable.

Merely not deserving of being kicked out of her father’s home.

Do you honestly not comprehend this concept?

I think her not saying bye to you is a small part of what is going on. Smoking/dugs and sex by 13 is a huge safeguarding concern!

I’ve never once said that SD should be kicked out her house, she clearly needs support and banishing her indefinitely isn’t going to help anyone. I was merely responding to someone saying that the action of screaming in her face wasn’t an attack. It is.

Do you comprehend?

I think that's spot on @SaladIsShitAndWeAllKnowIt

The implication is so often that the second wife has 'won' and that the first wife is therefore bitter/jealous of them, whereas the negativity (if it exists) only stems from the fathers poor treatment of his child, or the unfairness of him not sharing the load - but absolutely nothing to do with wanting the husband back.

I suggest you read context of comments before replying to them in future.

saves you looking like a 🛠️

I’d tell him he needs to get a flat somewhere and live there during the weeks he has his SD. Otherwise I’d be splitting altogether.

She needs his full attention. It’s not your fault, but he has a terrible mess on his hands and it’s not going to be better for many years, if ever. She needs to be his priority.

He may be a good father, but he chose a terrible person as a mother for his child.

Her father needs to engage support quickly, report the abuse, sex at 13 is abuse pure and simple. For your own sake I would step right back. It isn't your fault but I am reading this as the pain she feels is being put at your feet.

Teens can have a very black and white view of "justice" . She appears to be caught in a cycle of pain and is lashing out.

I would question what is the father doing?
Has he spoken to the school, GP, any other supports. She needs to see him fighting for her. She needs to feel she can trust him completely. I don't want to scare monger but there is correlation between abuse and early sexual relationships.

This may have nothing to do with the family situation but is easier to "fight" against. She probably is at an age where she is starting to see the adults behaviour around her more clearly. So this could be escalating as she recognises her parents failure to protect, and secure her?

I don't think any action you take will impact here, with all due respect. She needs to rebuild her parental secure bonds and then hopefully she can move forward.

Again this isn't your fault but you are probably the unconscious safe target.

Yes tbh the whole of the op is upside down in terms of priorities imho. It’s awful and depressing to be miserable in your own home as an adult but surely a child having sex and taking drugs is a tad more important?

I would blank her and stop trying. Literally don't do anything. Let her dad do everything and all the communication on the weeks she's staying with you.

I would not even have her in the house

It is her house too. She’s a minor and the OP is married to her father whether she likes it or not.

‘Shouting fuck off to someone isn’t attacking someone.’ Verbatim.

This is absolutely awful for you OP.
From what you've said this is being driven by the girls mother. This woman is using her daughter as a weapon with which to punish her ex husband.