Step daughter makes me feel so unhappy in my own home

[Futurebride]

I'm not really asking for advice but not sure what else to try to make things better. Sorry this goes on a bit.

My SD age 13 won't acknowledge me and its got worse since I married her fantastic dad. I've known her for 7 years, she was always cold toward me but I thought in time things would improve. Eventually they did a little, but since the wedding things have deteriorated. SDs mum is jealous and intentionally unhelpful and works against us - we have standards and are trying to bring SD up to be a respectful, balanced person but SDs Mum won't work with us on discipline (she thinks it's OK for SD to shout F Off in my face and says she doesn't care what goes on in our house) and won't remove privileges for really bad behaviour like we do, so we are seen as the bad guys.

SD is increasingly difficult (knowing her mum will back her up). She won't acknowledge me or talk to me. She leaves the room purposely saying goodbye Dad, goodbye Dog, but not me. She increasingly harps on about the times before I was in her life. She says the sky is green if I say it is blue. I cook her favourite food then she refuses to eat it. She is refusing to do anything her Dad asks her to and is rude. In addition, we have the usual teenage battles of too much phone time, only coming out her room to eat, refusing to engage in household activities when we give her the choice of what to do together, refusing to clean her room etc. She has vaped at 12, smoked joint and now just had sex at 13.

Her attitude is so awful toward me and her Dad that the atmosphere is now awful in my own home. She genuinely believes she can do what she wants in life. We have suggested she perhaps spends more time with her Mum but she doesn't want to (as she has a friend near our house). I have an older daughter so I know about teenagers but SD is is on a different level. We have never criticised her mum in front of her. I have only once tried to intervene in discipline when she was screaming at her Dad and that went very wrong. In 7 years I have always bit my tongue on her manners and behaviour and try to address them through her Dad. He has been good in trying to address her behaviour and they used to have a close relationship as he has spent so much time doing outdoorsy things with her, but now he is at a loss what to do, esp with the promiscuity this week. SD is already having counseling at our suggestion as she wont talk to us. I have always been kind to her and not get involved with discipline, but it has got a lot worse not helped by the fact her Mum says her Dad doesn't want to know her since he got married! (We are dealing with a jealous witch) We are therefore dealing with 2 children and just don't know how to make things better for all of us. She is with us every other week but I now feel like I don't want to be here when SD is , yet it is my house.

He has done so so much for her, not with money but spending time with her more than any Dad I know. He tries to talk to her calmly but she shouts at him to get out her room even before he's finished the first sentence.

She is 13! She is just a kid! She is hurting, not indecent. This attitude towards girl children is why the police in the UK let dozens of girls be abused by gangs: because once they had been seduced or raped they were seen as dirty whores.

No. He left her because she was drawing him dry financially but she refused to go out to work. My financial position is stronger through my hard work. Hence the jealousy.

Back off, leave it all to dad. He cooks for her, he sorts all issues.

If it's your house then tell him she's not allowed over for a few weeks to see if a little distance improves the issue, dad can meet her elsewhere.

Nacho, it's been written about well on here and google. Try not to let her drive you mad.

I didn't like my mum's new bf either and got quite aggressive about it. There was this new man in my house who I hadn't invited and didn't like.

You're not her mum. She didn't ask for you in her life. Her affection isn't something that you have a right to. Not everyone in the world is going to like you during your life. Get over it.

She is not being sufficiently safeguarded. Drugs, vaping and worst of all sex at 13 is appalling. I think she will be traumatised for life from penetrative sex at 13. How old was the other party?

I think this is Social Services territory.

Utterly pointless to be complaining to and about her mum. Knock that on the head now. The authorities need to be involved. This girl has terrible parents!

Presumably she is suffering from having a horrific lack of support and healthy boundaries at her father’s house

Fixed that for you. This girl is mandated by court order to spend time in the house of the father who left her mother with a woman she never invited in. The girl's boundaries have been trampled into the ground.

Kids that age don't understand money. They understand "daddy left mummy" and they understand "daddy moved on to her really soon afterwards" and the girl may believe that daddy left mummy for OP even if that wasn't the case.

I didn't like my dad's new gf either, but at least she had the decency to stay in her own house and not move into mine.

Op, after all the posts about your dsd being a troubled teen, and needing urgent help, your response in summary seems to be “my dh is great and he is doing everything he can and we are not going to change as this situation is the child’s fault and her mother’s fault”.

Meanwhile your dsd is having sex at thirteen, vaping and taking drugs! Your dh should wake up!

It’s great you work long hours. Does your dh work long hours too? Is the 13 year old dd left on her own a lot after school?

You mention money a lot. Are you certain your dh is providing enough child support? Is this the source of all the conflict?

Your dh should take the child horse riding fhs! Let it become the one thing in her life that she gets to do no matter what her behaviour. Other treats can become dependent on good behaviour but allow her one which does not have strings attached. She desperately needs something positive in her life.

Horse riding will teach her self discipline, hard work, courage, responsibility, kindness to others, as well as providing her with exercise and friendship all in an environment where looks and boyfriends are not the main focus of attention. Surely that is preferable to her going down to the bike sheds to vape and have sex? Your dh should spend the money fhs!

I haven’t read the full thread, only the OP.

This is a very difficult situation and one I have been in myself so I can sympathise how hard it is.

In my case - my DSD (from the age of 8 - 15) wouldn’t speak to me, look at me, engage with me and was pretty horrid to me. I was referred to as ‘her’ by her and her mum (who is still extremely bitter about their divorce). All I ever tried to do was be nice to her. I never ever badmouthed the mum (despite the mother alienating the DSD against me and her dad).

When she was 15 - it was discovered that the DSD had been breaking into her dad’s phone, taking pictures of WhatsApp messages between me & her dad and sending them to her mum. She was also taking photos of my bank statements and personal letters (which were filed away and hidden - so had needed some finding) and sending them to her mum. When confronted by her dad (gently he discussed with her). She went for a walk (so we thought) - called her mum who turned up on our doorstep with her new boyfriend (of a few months) threatening to beat up my DH up (who is a gentle soul & hates confrontation). The police had to be called (a squad car first with 2 policemen who couldn’t deal with them then a & Moria van containing 8 police officers had to be called to remove them from our front door). They were both removed and were cautioned for threatening behaviour. All the time, DSD watched on smirking and laughing. I knew then I was done with her. Even social services said at 15 - she knew what she was doing and should know the difference between right & wrong.

That was over 3 years ago and we haven’t seen her since or heard from her (she’s now 18.5 YO). Her dad writes to her every single month and sends birthday, Christmas gifts etc. he’s not heard absolutely anything from her. She to communicate with her dad or anyone associated with him (grandparents, godparents etc). It’s so very sad. A very mixed up girl, alienated by her mother (who in SD’s eyes could do absolutely no wrong).

Sorry to derail your thread…..

My advice would be - she is clearly troubled but you can’t accept this rude behaviour in your home. You have to treat people with kindness (this goes both ways).

Does dad have 1-2-1 time with her? It’s upto him to parent & discipline.

Look up the NACHO method of step parenting- detach, detach, detach. There’s some great podcasts on there which will give you some coping mechanisms. This isn’t your problem - let her dad deal with it. Stop trying so hard with her, and don’t reward poor behaviour.

Personally I’m done with my DSD and won’t be making any effort to have a relationship with her if she ever does get back in touch. She’s now almost 19 and I would have hoped she would have realised how her behaviour to me was so horrid (for over 7 years). Of course I would never ever stop her dad having a relationship with her.

Good luck 🤞

My dad didn't remarry after divorce and years later he told me: "I just couldn't be bothered to deal with how much you would hate the women and make both of our lives hell" . Probably the most accurate and truthful thing he has ever said!!!

This will sound harsh and it is but your SD simply wasn't ready to accept your dad with someone else after a separation of the family. You DH has (rightly or wrongly) chosen to continue down the path of having another life partner despite all the signs being she wasn't ready for this. She is deeply hurt, her actions speak for themselves, but seeing as you are now married, I think she will continue on this self destruct mission as she feels her dad dropped her when he split from her mum, and dropped her again when he chose you. I think the only thing you can do is stay out of her way as much as possible.

As an aside, on these threads there is always chatter about how the ex wife/mother is bitter/jealous etc. Always. Whereas my real life experience is only of ex wife's who are skipping down the street in joy to be free of rubbish husbands. This follows true in the stats as well - the vast majority (I think it's something like 80% filed, but considered far higher anecdotally) of divorces are filed for by the wife. So it's pretty rare to find a bitter one. So why do so many step mums describe exes as bitter, when they patently are not at a population level.

I think you’re trying too hard to be nice to her. That niceness might be backfiring as she could see it as you ‘trying to wheedle in to her life/family’. Back right off with the niceness. Stop cooking her favourite foods, stop making an extra effort for her.

As for screaming ‘f* off’ in your face, I’d stop her coming over for a few weeks. Her dad needs to be firmer too. His attention obviously isn’t helping her as otherwise she wouldn’t be vaping and having sex at 13. You’ve said that when he tries to talk to her, she screams at him and cuts him off before he gets the first sentence out, but he needs to persist. He also needs to point out that if he wasn’t with you, he’d be with another woman as he left her mum because the relationship couldn’t continue and that was nothing to do with you. She’ll be listening whether she shows it or not. A 13yr old benefits from boundaries as much as a younger child.

It’s good she’s having counselling.

With her mother pulling her strings it's unlikely to change anytime soon.

If I were you I would be looking at walking away

But she wasn't unhappy until after the marriage. How could anyone predict this?

So do you think biological parents have the right to ban their 13 year old children from the home if they have bad attitudes or behaviours then? It’s perfectly okay to just tell them they aren’t aren’t allowed in the house anymore?

Or is forbidding a child to enter their house only allowed if it’s a step-child?

What if the stepdaughter’s mother wasn’t alive and so she had nowhere else to go?

Would you still be happy to ban her from the home and be told that she’ll have to go and live in the garden because you don’t want her in “your” house because of her attitude?

The house is not just OP’s house, it is the house of all 3 of them.

The stepdaughter is the biological child of her DH and he, in no way, shape or form should he be allowed to tell his 13 year old child she cannot come into her own home anymore.

This dynamic will never work.

The DH should never have entered a relationship with OP when he knew his 6 year old daughter was so unhappy about it, let alone allow it to get the point of living together and marriage. And OP, you are as much to blame for allowing this lifestyle to be forced on a very unhappy child.

How your SD is behaving is poor, I don’t think anyone is denying this, but rather than force her out the family home, I think you and DH should have a period of self-reflection to understand your part this.

@CheekyHobson If she screams “Fuck off” in your face, you don’t tell her not to speak to you like that or she’ll be grounded, you say, “I can see you’re really upset. I don’t like being screamed at but happy to talk more when you’re calm.”

It's not as easy as you suggest. If she screamed 'fuck off' and is grounded, she'll likely just go out anyway. What are you going to do? Tie her to a chair?

me too my god what a miserable way to go on! time and time again I have read this sort of scenario on here, the women must really love the husbands to put up with so much.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation OP.

It's a sign of the times to be honest. I'm not sure that it can resolved. So so many blended families now and so many aren't working out well.

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd be walking away from it all.

@NameChangeAgain0224 Actually biological parents do if their child is attacking them or worse.

Also the OP has a DD. Her first priority is her own child not her husband's child. So if her husband's child is causing a problem and as that child can live with her mother, the OP is right to ban her.

I have a step daughter of about the same age, OP. Young girls are hard work at this age - but she wouldn’t ever dare scream and shout obscenities in my face. Even on our worst days.

She just knows it wouldn’t be tolerated by her parents - either of them. (And trust me, I do not have a bonny relationship with the ex wife).

For this reason, I am going to have to spout that MN trope: “you have a DH problem!”

How can he stand to have either of you; his wife and his own daughter, living in a war zone? He should care about you both more than that.

Which is what I would have to find the words to say to him, if he were my partner.

I hate raising “blended family” issues with my husband. I pick these particular battles very carefully. I usually take a deep breath about things like “wtf, they ate all the bread again” and move on. However, I would say your situation warrants some intervention. It sounds very extreme.

I would probably tell him:

1. This makes me feel like shit
2. It clearly makes your daughter feel like shit
3. Surely it also makes you feel like shit?
4. She might be boundary testing. Don’t push her away, we need to “fix” this for her sake. This is her home too.

Also, forget disciplining them or even suggesting it. Hiding to nothing. Your interactions should be neutral or positive.

My step daughter’s bedroom looks and smells like the Bog of Eternal Stench from Labyrinth. She constantly moans to me that she “can’t find any good clothes” to wear (I’m afraid I do all the washing in my house, even that of my step children. I am a bad mumsnetter…) I politely suggest she has a tidy up and defer her to her father if she disagrees with my perspective.
Anyway, last week, I think pigs flew because she fucking tidied it. I still can’t stop looking in the door at all the visible floor.
Once it was tidy, I did a thorough audit on her clothing inventory and then replaced some of her old trousers with some brand new fleece lined leggings that all her mates wear and which she has been hassling me for. Left them on her bed quietly. She didn’t thank me for them but she’s been strutting about the house in them like Naomi Campbell so I think we’re on good terms this week.

This might seem sad but it’s our relationship and I quite like it. I think we could easily be in a face-screaming place if I didn’t keep my distance a bit.

I’m sorry I don’t have any practical advice, but I’m just sharing something anecdotal in the hopes it might give you some inspo. Teen girls do LOVE it when you buy them shit.

Came on to post this. Vile comment.

However, the Op was quite the wall of hot button text.

Shouting fuck off to someone isn’t attacking someone.

These comments are pretty horrid