Part of what follows comes across as quite harsh op so please know it’s written with good intentions. I understand you are in a really difficult situation. But your dd needs urgent help.
Your dd is quite a young teen still and, given a firm steer, the worst of the “normal” adolescent behaviour will improve eventually as she matures and starts to see things in not so black and white terms and she might start questioning her mother’s behaviour too.
Equally though, taking drugs and having sex at thirteen is way more serious than just the “usual” teenage troubles. This girl needs serious help for the next five years at least and probably beyond that until she is in her early twenties.
The first thing I would be addressing is cause. Is this behaviour all the stepmum’s fault? Honestly? Are you not seeing your dh’s parenting through rose tinted spectacles just a bit?
Sorry to ask but when your dsd keeps referring back to before you were on the scene; is there any legitimate reason for her to blame you for the break up of her parents marriage? Why is she finding it so impossible to accept? Is her mother fuelling this?
Why is your sdd so angry?
Your dsd’s mother is being very immature if she can’t get over her personal feelings to work with her ex for the sake of her child. Consequences like privileges being removed do need to work across both households. But if that just isn’t happening, you need to hold firm in your home and sorry but your dh doesn’t have the luxury of being “at a loss” as time is of the essence. If he can’t cope, he needs to seek professional advice and get help with his own parenting.
Also, you calling your dsd’s mother a jealous witch on here isn’t indicative of great maturity on your part either, even if you don’t say that in front of your sd. Why is there still so much jealousy on the sm’s part after seven years?
Having said that, I think you are in an almost impossible position op tbh. Not having ultimate control over discipline but nonetheless getting the brunt of your sd’s poor behaviour.
I think you do need to draw some firmer boundaries for behaviour in your own home though such as “shouting in my face is unacceptable” ie you don’t engage with her at all if she doesn’t speak to you respectfully, never mind cook her the food she likes. And you and your dh need to form a very solid team as her behaviour is aimed at dividing you.
First and foremost, I agree with others that this teen needs urgent help. Yes she’s being a vile, stroppy teenager but on top of that she is HURTING. Her outward behaviour is a sign of her inner turmoil. It’s good she is getting therapy. However disruptive and hurtful and annoying her behaviour is, you can’t take it personally and you can’t just dismiss it as something she needs to stop without more serious input by her parents. Frankly, all of you involved in her parenting need to wake up and accept that she is waving a massive “help” flag in your direction.
If I were her dad, I would be launching some sort of serious intervention in response to a teen dd taking drugs and having sex at thirteen years. Girls generally don’t seek intimate relationships that young if their relationship with their father is sound. And the sex and drugs are classic “look at me and notice” tactics.
So even if it takes time away from your family, your dh needs to urgently re-instigate spending one on one time with his dd. Take her away at weekends if necessary, insist she accompanies him. At thirteen she shouldn’t be getting too much choice about it. She needs to know that she is a high priority in his life. For whatever reason, however much she is loved by her father, your dsd is not getting that message enough.
You say your dh is a great parent but does he know who her friends are? Does he know how she spends her time between end of school and dinner? Is it time for a change of school? Does he interact with her teachers or does he leave all of that to his ex? Does he know if his child is absenting herself from school or not? Are you sure that the friend she sees near you is not a cover for her bf? Who are the bf’s parents? Why does she have the freedom at thirteen to be in a situation where she is taking drugs and having sex? Where did these activities take place? Your dh needs to be discussing all of these issues with his ex and taking the initiative himself to sort them out.
Your dh really needs to step up. Your dsd shouldn’t be getting the choice of eating in her room. Nor the freedom to mix with unsuitable friends. She’s thirteen not seventeen! When she leaves and says goodbye to her dad and the dog and not to you, what does your dh say? He should be insisting that she treats you with respect.
This is a classic example of all three adult figures in your sd’s life not giving her enough boundaries because you are all conscious that she has had a difficult time. All three of you need to step up and parent her but your dh most of all. Boundaries will make her feel safe and loved. She also needs to be given responsibilities that challenge her and more interesting purposeful activities other than messing around with unsuitable friends who are leading her astray. That needs to be nipped in the bud straightaway. She simply shouldn’t have the time.
Many problems with teens arise because they are completely left to their own devices for several hours every evening between end of school and when parents get home from work. I am not saying this is the case in your home op! But one suggestion could be for your dh to alter his work pattern so that, a couple of days a week, he can pick his dd up from school and take her out for example?
The message she should be getting here is not “I am at a loss” but more “I love you too much to allow you to behave this way, so we are going to do something different together”.
And I understood why you might want a break from her op and wish for your dsd to spend more time with her mother, but for her sake, you should be wanting her to spend more time with you if possible where more discipline and structure is in place.
Sorry for the essay! This sounds harsh and it’s horrible being miserable in your own home op, and not good for your dd also if her stepmum is depressed, as all the adults in her life need to be modelling purposeful, cheerful pleasantness as far as possible. However, your dh’s dd is a non negotiable part of his life. They came as a package. And she is a troubled child, and she is in difficulty atm, so your needs come second while that is being addressed. Good luck.