Advice Please - DSS always getting involved in our disagreements!

[doglover92]

Hi all,
Looking for some advice from fellow stepparents here - not to be told I shouldn’t have married a man with children and that I just have to put up with it etc!
For background, my DSS is 8, and has had a bit of a challenging last couple of years. There has been some upheaval on his mums side and we have had a baby (we did not know about the upheaval until after I was pregnant - before I get any abuse for that!) which has resulted in him being very clingy (I can’t think of a better word) with his dad. I’ve been in his life since he was 2 - he can’t remember life before me and in fact once asked me if I was at his birth, so this isn’t a ‘new partner’ situation. We had a great relationship, and still do in some ways but I would say this has evolved now where we spend less time together as he would prefer to be with his dad (rightly so) and I look after the baby to accommodate this more. I often stay at my mums on the nights he’s with us to give them time, and actively encourage them to have time together when he is here.

Anyway, an issue has consistently arisen now, where me and DH will be disagreeing on something and DSS feels the need to get involved and ‘back him up’. These begin as no more than disagreements over something small like the washing up, but DSS really ramps it up by shouting at me that I’m wrong and his dad is right (which is quite often untrue😂) and tends to turn the argument from a ‘3’ to a ‘9’ fairly quickly as I look to DH to tell him it’s totally unacceptable to get involved! He does this inconsistently I would say. I have on occasion ‘bitten back’ and sharply told DSS to stop getting involved (I am very rarely sharp with him as I try to leave it to DH) which has then shocked him, he’s cried and DH has then gone ‘oh it’s ok it doesn’t matter!!!!’ as if I am the bad guy.
I know that I should not let a child wind me up, but I also feel like as a child I would NEVER have felt the need to get involved in an adult disagreement. I’ve tried walking away as to not show my frustration, but then I get told I am ‘storming off’.
I am just trying to find a way to nip this in the bud because it is causing a massive rift in my relationship with DSS and DH.

I’ve tried to suggest to DH he needs to take more responsibility for this - eg showing me more respect in front of DSS (even exaggerating being nice to me to make this clear), and not ‘rewarding’ DSS when he fights his corner, but he has said I need to tell DSS off for getting involved myself more to gain respect. However, I feel this is counterproductive as his dad then comforts him when he’s upset about it which is then giving him what he wants which is his dads approval!

Apologies for the long winded post, hope this makes sense and any advice would be much appreciated!

Hi OP, I know it gets suggested on here a lot, but I would really recommend couples counselling for you and DH. This sounds like mainly a communication issue, which will be child's play for a good counsellor to sort out.

If the two of you are arguing in front of DSS to the point he feels he needs to protect his dad from you by joining in then this isn't good.

I'd suggest talking to your DH and agreeing that any disagreements will be discussed away from DSS and that you'll come to agreement about what to do about X.

@Octavia64 i do agree that because of what’s going on we should discuss things more privately, but I don’t think it’s that he feels he needs to ‘protect his dad’- I tried to phrase it as disagreements as I thought that might come up, it’s really petty stuff such as well you need to wash up since I did it earlier, well hang on I did it last night etc, not screaming matches or anything! It tends to go further because DSS WILL then shout and be like ‘well NO because my dad did it this morning and you didn’t!!!!’ which is why it’s tricky as it’s just general couples bickering. I think it’s less about protecting his dad and more about feeling like him and his dad are a team.

None of this sounds great to be honest. You've been in his life for as long as he can remember and have started staying away when he's there as soon as a new baby arrives? I know you're doing it with the best intentions, but that's a hugely big thing for a child to cope with.

Not only have they got to get used to a new sibling that lives with their dad full time, but one of the parental figures has replaced them with their 'real' child to the extent of not even being in the house.

Obviously you're not his mum. But to a child that doesn't matter. You've always been there so you're part of his family. Grown up things, like whose responsibility he, is don't change that (I have a stepmum and can't imagine how confused I would have been if she suddenly stopped being there a lot of the time).

It's not surprising that he's standing up for his dad... you have both made it seem like there are teams. You and the baby, him and his dad.

Your husband should absolutely be stepping up to challenge rude behaviour. But I think you all need to consider what your new family unit looks like.

There's no nice way to say it but you've set yourself up for this by effectively removing yourself from his life 🤷‍♀️ you've told him he's not your family and neither is his half sibling, of course he's teaming with his dad and letting you know how he feels about that. The butting in over disagreements is the symptom not the cause of the problem, poor kid.

@Allthingsdecember whilst I see where you’re coming from, DSS made it very clear that he wants his dad, he is crying out for attention from his dad not me. This was prior to the arrival of our baby as he had the upheaval with his mum. He is with us Friday - Sunday morning, I often stay away one night so they have boys time and then I’m there the other night. I tried to carve out some 1:1 time with him after my DD was born but whilst we would be out and the whole time he would be asking where’s his dad etc, can you not look after baby and my dad come instead. It’s his dad he wants. If you think me making more time with him might help then I’d definitely be willing to give that a go but again I don’t think it is. I look after him for 50% of the school holidays so we get plenty of time together then and we get on great when his dad isn’t around.

Again @Redcar78 see above post

I often stay at my mums on the nights he’s with us to give them time, and actively encourage them to have time together when he is here.

I think PP has hit the nail on the head regarding the above. You have been staying away when he is there . This is a bad idea, imho. You have always been in his life, the three / four of you are now a family unit, but you have decided to break that unit into two parts - him and DH, you and baby. No wonder he is feeling like he and Dad are being pushed aside, and of course he feels like he and Dad are a team who stand up for each other.

My advice would be to get yourself back with him and Dad , and re-form that family unit .

Firstly I'd avoid doing it in front of him if possible.
second, a clear conversation ALONE with your Dh that this s totally unacceptable he needs to intervene each and every time.
third when your dh inevitably fails to deal i would have some stock phrase said calmly and confidently.
"DS these comments arent appropriate. Im not discussing it further with you.
Dh i'm going upstairs to get something. Perhaps now is a good time to discuss acceptable behaviour with DS and we can takk about x later"

Yes, protect his dad was probably putting it a bit strong.

I guess what I meant is that he feels like he is on dad's team.

This happened in my house a lot and our kids were biologically both of ours.

We set up agreements - whoever cooks doesn't wash up, then as the kids got older we had a washing up rota that they were on.

Setting up agreements in advance that everyone signs up to reduces the disagreements. Hard to eliminate them entirely.

Your DH needs to be on board with you approach. I agree he needs to see DH disagreeing with you but resolving the issue in a respectful way. DH needs to take the lead to tell him not to get involved in adult discussions. He can do so kindly. I agree with PP too that being out the house seems extreme. Can you not be at home, but DH and he still have quality time, play together etc. I’m not sure what the end goal of staying away is, other than to set up unrealistic so expectations and place him at the centre of the whole home. The family has 4 people who all live there and have needs. Sounds like DS has had a tough time and you and DH have been lovely at centring those needs, but maybe now the balance needs to chance a bit, so everyone’s needs are considered.

As the saying goes “You have a dh problem.”
I would say to dh that you both need to iron this out away from dss so that he cannot hear you.
Agree on exactly who does what. Agree this between you and before dss gets there.
Then there should not be any disagreement.
The one who does not stick to the plan is at fault.

Thanks all so far, maybe it is about reiterating that we are a family unit and maybe then he will be less likely to think it’s him and his dad vs me. I’ve been so focused on trying to boost his relationship with his dad that maybe I’ve done that a little too much so it now seems like we’re on separate teams 🤔 another reason I stay away is to spend time with my mum as she lives quite far away but we are currently looking at moving closer so maybe that would help as I could go for a few hours rather than a whole night.

I agree with @Allthingsdecember

OP dad needs to accept there is an issue and focus on the cause (insecurity/different understanding of DSS family structure) rather than the symptom (them v us).

DSS sounds a bit confused as to family relations, prob since baby had come and you stay away.

Even though parents spilt ages ago I find that as children age they have new/different perspectives on their families as they mature.

So while adults think things are ok, actually the child needs space to be spoken to about the family structure/break up etc.

It sounds like you are moving further away from him soon? How far?

And great ideas about deciding who does what beforehand to alleviate some bickering

@GKD I agree I think his dad should talk to him more about things to be honest. My husband really struggles with anything emotional and I think some verbal reassurance about lots of things could’ve helped DSS. The move won’t take us further from him, his mum moved 50 minutes away from us and moved his school etc (some of the upheaval!), so it’s a 50 minute drive there and back currently anyway, and this would be the same just in a different direction.

You don't sound like a family but more like two teams. I agree with everyone else that if you want your family to work you need to be together. Going to stay with your mother is not conducive to the family in the long run. Imagine if your DH walked away whenever you are having a tough time with the baby. It really does look like you are setting yourself up to leave the family unit and taking your own child with you. It will certainly feel like that to your stepson.
This is a time perhaps for live bombing your stepson. Make sure he knows how important he is to you. Suggest just you and he go and do something fun together. Leave the baby with your DH. He could probably do with some alone bonding time with the baby.
I think the arrival of a new baby is always the trigger time for a step mother. It is hard to be as supportive and loving to your stepson when you have a baby of your own. You really really have to fake it until you make it so that your stepson feels you are on his team and that you love him to bits. Otherwise your stepson will feel he is being replaced by the baby in your affections.
It is hard and to read the posts on the step board, a lot of step mums never manage to embrace blending step children with their biological children. You will have to work really hard to improve your bond with your step child.

@calicogoose please read the above posts where I have explained I have tried to spend a lot of 1:1 time with DSS (and still do) however he would rather be spending that time with his dad which is totally understandable. I’ve never once said I’m going to my mums because there is a problem!!! I’ve said I go to give them a bit of boys time one evening out of the 2 during a weekend so they can sit and play fifa together without me sitting there going actually I want to watch love island 😂 whilst I appreciate the people being constructive with their comments suggesting maybe being the 4 of us more consistently might help feeling like it’s ‘2 teams’ I don’t know why I’m being made to be the bad guy with a poor DSS as I’m not going to my mums to ‘run away’ from bad behaviour at all I’m going because I like going and it gives them some quality alone time!

There is a lot of evidence that step dads manage a blended family better than step mums. I also think that a move will unsettle your stepson. It is yet more upheaval for him.
To be honest the whole thing about moving/ staying with your mother is putting your biological family unit first. Imagine a stepdad only wanting to spend time with his biological child and taking himself and the baby off to his mother's house whenever the step child visited. There would be outrage on MN.
You have a new baby. You take yourself off regularly when your step child visits. You want to move nearer your mother, your biological child's grandparent. Your stepson will inevitably feel pushed out and unsettled. It really doesn't look good for him at the moment.
Unless you all work really hard on your family unit, it will be hard to make this work.

@calicogoose do you have stepchildren? Actually the move would be great for him. He gets on incredibly well with my mum and she calls him her grandson (my DH does not see his parents). He is offered to come with me to hers but doesn’t because he would rather be with his dad because he sees him less but he is excited to move closer to her. We lived with her for 2 years whilst saving to buy our home, and only moved here to be closer to DSS’s mum, but now she’s moved away us being here is irrelevant and he is looking forward to living near his ‘nan’, so no, that’s not right.

Also @calicogoose I'm not going to my mums to get away from my DSS. I’ve just said that about 6 times!

I don't mean to gripe but I think you perhaps don't realise how hard it is to make a blended family work successfully. Have a read of the threads on the step parenting board. It will help you understand perhaps what it feels like to your stepson.
Do you think mothers in a non blended family take one child away on their own regularly? It must very much feel that you don't want to spend time with him.
I wish you well. I hope you are able to form strong bonds with your stepson going forward.

@calicogoose if I have another child and my DD now would rather stay with her dad and play PlayStation whilst I go and stay at my mums with the baby and watch love island then yes, that will be happening 😂

From What you’ve said it doesn’t sound like you are.

it sounds practical to me - I’m in a nuclear family but can see how your going mums makes sense to an adult.

A child might view it differently, but I think you’ve accepted that.

TBF, you started off complaining re DSS getting involved in you/DH bickering but have gracefully accepted that actually there’s probably more to this than ‘naughty child’.

@GKD no, I came here asking stepparents advice if anyone had been through anything similar and how they solved it. I never said naughty child. I’m open to listening to practical ADVICE not a load of abuse about how me going to my mums to give them boys time is ruining my DSS life, as I said I’m happy to listen to polite suggestions about how I should make sure to be there when DSS is to reiterate the family unit absolutely, but I’m not being called out on my ability to be a step mum as it’s bullshit from a load of stepmum haters!