Advice Please - DSS always getting involved in our disagreements!

[doglover92]

Hi all,
Looking for some advice from fellow stepparents here - not to be told I shouldn’t have married a man with children and that I just have to put up with it etc!
For background, my DSS is 8, and has had a bit of a challenging last couple of years. There has been some upheaval on his mums side and we have had a baby (we did not know about the upheaval until after I was pregnant - before I get any abuse for that!) which has resulted in him being very clingy (I can’t think of a better word) with his dad. I’ve been in his life since he was 2 - he can’t remember life before me and in fact once asked me if I was at his birth, so this isn’t a ‘new partner’ situation. We had a great relationship, and still do in some ways but I would say this has evolved now where we spend less time together as he would prefer to be with his dad (rightly so) and I look after the baby to accommodate this more. I often stay at my mums on the nights he’s with us to give them time, and actively encourage them to have time together when he is here.

Anyway, an issue has consistently arisen now, where me and DH will be disagreeing on something and DSS feels the need to get involved and ‘back him up’. These begin as no more than disagreements over something small like the washing up, but DSS really ramps it up by shouting at me that I’m wrong and his dad is right (which is quite often untrue😂) and tends to turn the argument from a ‘3’ to a ‘9’ fairly quickly as I look to DH to tell him it’s totally unacceptable to get involved! He does this inconsistently I would say. I have on occasion ‘bitten back’ and sharply told DSS to stop getting involved (I am very rarely sharp with him as I try to leave it to DH) which has then shocked him, he’s cried and DH has then gone ‘oh it’s ok it doesn’t matter!!!!’ as if I am the bad guy.
I know that I should not let a child wind me up, but I also feel like as a child I would NEVER have felt the need to get involved in an adult disagreement. I’ve tried walking away as to not show my frustration, but then I get told I am ‘storming off’.
I am just trying to find a way to nip this in the bud because it is causing a massive rift in my relationship with DSS and DH.

I’ve tried to suggest to DH he needs to take more responsibility for this - eg showing me more respect in front of DSS (even exaggerating being nice to me to make this clear), and not ‘rewarding’ DSS when he fights his corner, but he has said I need to tell DSS off for getting involved myself more to gain respect. However, I feel this is counterproductive as his dad then comforts him when he’s upset about it which is then giving him what he wants which is his dads approval!

Apologies for the long winded post, hope this makes sense and any advice would be much appreciated!

Not calling anyone specific a stepmum hater, but there’s a definite vibe here when I asked for ADVICE - we aren’t on AIBU.

@calicogoose I think it’s the mums who make different choices/actions to the dads rather than stepdads doing better than stepmoms… The dynamics are usually different and most mums wouldn’t stay or live in a relationship where their children are tolerated whereas many dads do without even sheltering their children from it.

OP - I’m in a nuclear family 5YO and baby and we split all the time to do things.
The staying at mums sounds practical on paper, esp as dad and DSS should have free 1:1 time.
It’s just that it’s prob not a good idea from DSS perspective at this point.

This, if you and the baby aren't often staying when he's there, how often are you arguing when he is? Is that all he knows now?

@GKD I appreciate you’ve acknowledged I’m not staying away because I’m horrible and hate my stepson and I apologise if my previous post came across as angry towards you - just frustrating when I’ve asked for advice to feel like I’m being attacked for giving Information. I feel like if I hadn’t put that in my OP I would’ve been told to ‘let them have more time together’

No you didn’t say or refer to him as naughty child, that was my shorthand, I didn’t mean it as a criticism or to be nasty.

Quite the opposite actually, I was trying to point out that you’d gracefully taken the different perspective on board.

Other OPs would be swearing blind that the child had to change not the situation whereas you seem quite empathetic to DSS.

OP you’re being really defensive and I’m not sure why?

He is 8 years old. It sounds like he’s had a lot of upheaval with his mum, his dad has had a new baby and there’s an upcoming house move.

He clearly sees it as him and his dad, and you and the baby. You going away to give them time is based on good intentions, but it’s not helping the situation. If you want to be a family, and seen as a family, you need to model that. If they’re playing FIFA or whatever, go and sit with them. Get in his world for a bit. Put baby to bed and have a movie night. The most important thing he needs to see if you and his dad are united and the four of you are a family.

You also have a DH problem here - he needs to back you up and tell his son not to speak to you that way.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose as I said, we are still around him a lot I just meant I do give them ample alone time. I do think you may be right though in that me and DH need to make a conscious effort to be nicer to each other around DSS as we obviously know we love each other but maybe he needs to see more of that!

DH has said I need to tell DSS off for getting involved myself more to gain respect. However, I feel this is counterproductive as his dad then comforts him when he’s upset about it

This is the problem. Everything else is a red herring. This is what's causing the issue. Your DH is telling you to address DSS behaviour then immediately undermining you. DH is making the "team" dynamic. He needs to pack it in.

Staying away has definitely split you up. Both literally and in the eyes of DSS.

Alone time with his dad doesn't need to be whole days and nights, it can be an hour or so here and there.

So has he had to move schools/clubs at 8?
Lost school friends half way through a school year?
So not only has he lost all the above, he's seeing dad less and your and his new sibling are going off? Poor lad!
Is there only 1 TV in the house. If not could you not watch love Island in another room/on a tablet?

@DrunkenElephant I agree that maybe that is what needs to be done! I do tend to do all the heavy lifting with the baby (even more so when DSS is here) in the hope that it will mean my DH has more time with him but again maybe that is causing more issues than helping! I suppose I’m coming across as defensive because quite a few PP have made it out like I’m running away to my mums because I can’t stand DSS and don’t spend any time with him and yes I do feel defensive about that because it’s untrue.

@MyGooseisTotallyLoose yep! I think what I’m getting defensive about is whether these ‘poor lad’ comments are aimed at something I’ve done? Because none of that was my choice. I have stayed away so he can have more time with his dad so the baby is not consuming that time. Yes, there is another TV but surely me and the baby sitting upstairs and him and his dad sitting downstairs is the same issue?

It may not be true to you, but it almost certainly looks like it to your stepson. Pre baby you were a constant in his life. Now you take yourself off to your mother to give your husband and his son bonding time. They are already extremely well bonded by the sound of it.
It is much more important that you have bonding time with your stepson. Can you enjoy him showing you how to play FIFA?
Try and enjoy his company. Make him feel important to you. Be on his team. Value him. He will respond if you make him feel loved by you.

What has happened with his mum? It's relevant to how secure he feels

This situation can occur in any family not just step families. Your Dh needs to step up and resolve this. There were times when our ds was younger (he’s a teen now) when Dh let me be spoken to badly. I had a very serious, no holds barred, conversation with Dh where I spelt out how his lack of action was a threat to our marriage and family life. He got the message!

Going back to your original OP, your DSS has had a lot of upheaval in his life, in both of his homes by the sounds of it.

Add into that the (subconscious, possibly) knowledge that his Dad left when he was a baby, perhaps he's clinging onto his Dad so much and "teaming" with him because he's fearing his Dad will leave again now there's a new baby on the scene.

If you guys are bickering/arguing in front of DSS and he feels your relationship isn't rock-solid (again this may be more subconscious than a conscious thought) PLUS your DSS is used to his Dad leaving him in your care over 50% of the school holidays etc, the boy is probably fearing that Dad is going to leave you and the baby and leave DSS with you rather than take him.

DSS is looking for security and stability, this unfortunately isn't going to happen overnight.

You and DH need to have a code word that stops any bickering in it's tracks if it's happening in front of DSS, where DH immediately backs down, comes to you kisses you hugs you, the baby and DSS and says "you're right, I love you, I love being with you all."

DSS is seeking reassurance that his Dad won't leave and this will only come from DHs behaviour becoming that of a man who is happy to be where he is and overtly wanting to stay.

In my opinion anyway.

Ladies ladies, back off the OP. She’s a caring woman trying her best for her DSS.

OP - if it’s any consolation, my DD (not step) was the same. She was so bonded to me and worried I’d be upset that she’d defend me when I was clearly in the wrong! I suspect this is the same here. He’s well bonded to dad (good) but also worried about dad being upset (bad). He sounds like a sensitive lad which may be linked to his difficult year too.

Your DH and you need to agree how to tackle it. Either you make these arguments light hearted in front of him (“oi, is the magic fairy doing the dishes again?”) or don’t do it in front of him for a while at all. For some reason he’s clearly not coping at the moment with the row, however mild.

I don’t think that came across in any of your posts, I read it as you care about your stepson and think you’re doing the right thing in giving him some time with his dad.

@p1ppyL0ngstocking yes!! This is what I was thinking but you’ve put it into words much better than me. I do think that the issue here is with his dad not with me particularly. As much as I think making sure I’m there all the time is worth giving a go, I do feel like it’s not me he wants it’s his dad and he needs to see his dad showing we’re all a team for him to feel that way.

How about family meetings where you all set up the agreements for tasks. Then you can say "who should be doing what DSS?" They worked really well for our 4 kid remarried family.

I don't think the issue is with you and your attitude towards DSS at all. You have good intentions and seem lovely.

This is an unintended consequence of what you thought was a nice action.

Whoever raised the point about dad being complicit in the pairing up is right too.

OK so we have this but for different reasons and it's not s step child...

Your DH is the issue really. He's obviously not very proactive about e.g. washing up or the arguments wouldn't happen.

Try a rota and give DSS a couple of small jobs on it too. "Hey Dad, I changed the loo roll but you haven't washed up!"

If you need to prod DH, use text or WhatsApp or simply point to the offending task.

If you're having DSS for big chunks of the summer holidays (which is very decent of you) then you're doing your bit re the relationship.

Why is the entire universe revolving around this one kid when your DH has 2? Why are you leaving home so that he gets special time?

You’ve created this, you’ve made him into an entitled spoilt brat who now thinks he’s in charge !

Reading this, i don't see there is anything you can do exactly. Its DH that needs to put in a boundary with DSS..the more you try or more you do will look like your taking control or meddling in DSS eyes.

In all honesty i think DH likes having the back up, you know when your LO wants you, you get that little naww. So i think it butters him up.

I wonder if he is jumping in and reacting to these disagreements because of what he has been through with his mum?

But either way DH could handle better. And also should let DSS see you work it through, and let DSS see you both negotiate and compromise and walk away laughing with a hug and no further tension and conflict. So be realises its safe and he doesn't need to get involved.

The washing up was an example but does sound petty. So id deal with who does what more fundamentally on days DS isnt there. In our house the cook doesn't wash up. Or is it more 'would you prefer to wash up or start babys bath?'. Ie negotiate who does what not one doing something and one doing nothing.

Also, try ignoring his intervention-both of you. So he learns to not get involved. Reacting to it seems to be escalating it.