Resentful towards stepson coming over?

[Firsttimemum0558]

I know how the title sounds but I don’t mean I resent the child at all.
My partner has a 4 year old DS, and we’ve got a 6 month old baby together.
My partner hasn’t helped with our baby, but is extremely hands on with his son when he stays every week. I’ve asked for him to be more inclusive of our baby and show the same love and affection to him as he does his older child yet he still isn’t doing so. It has improved slightly recently but it’s still not the same between the two and his eldest is now seeming to pick up on the fact he is “favourite”.
Because of this behaviour from my partner, I dread his son coming to our house and when he is here, I count down the days until he leaves again which I’m aware sounds cruel as it’s not his fault but it’s hard to see your child being left out and not loved equally. I feel I’ve totally lost the bond I had with my SS, he feels like a stranger when he’s here, but I can’t stop myself from feeling how I do. Any advice how to stop “blaming” the child?? (internally, of course I’d never say anything to him!)

[Violettaa]

You’ve got it wrong. Don’t be resentful of your SS coming round, resent your DP being a crap dad to your youngest.

[Galeforcewindatmywindow]

Have you dropped the baby on your dp's knee and left the house?. Try it.

[pinkyredrose]

What the fuck! Does he even realise he's got 2 children? I'd read him the riot act, either he treats them the same or he fucks off.

[UneFoisAuChalet]

Hmmm, perhaps it's hard to include a baby in doing activities with a 4 year old. If you mean he's a hands on dad with his eldest, is it that they play football, build lego, watch movies together? He can't exactly include a baby in those activities. And it's definitely more fun doing that rather than caring for a baby.

I'd leave him alone with the baby and the 4 year old. He'll be forced to learn how to juggle the two at the same time. With you always there, he gets to pick and choose what he wants to do. Don't give him the option all the time.

[Neodymium]

a lot of men seem to be like this, not that great with caring for babies. I don’t recall my husband being overly interactive with the kids until they were 1ish and walking. Not that he didn’t love them but more playing with them ect. Not saying it’s right. But seems like come men don’t know how to interact with a baby.

[Meadowfinch]

How is your dh when your dss is not staying with you?

Does he focus on one child at a time? Is he too careful with the little one to include him in the 4yo's games?

Don't blame your DSS, talk to your dh.

[Thequeenofwishfulthinking]

From my experience this is a common pattern of behaviour in blended families.
Msn struggle to balance everyones’ needs when they have children from a previous relationship EOW.
I think it’s a combination of guilt coupled with ‘Disneyland dad’ parenting,
Ive experienced and been told about the man’s behaviour changing when his other children are present.
I would talk to your partner again but if this fails I would rethink plans for the future.
Spend some time on your own leaving him with both children. Other times I would make plans for you and baby only.
I hope things improve for you soon .

[MardyBigBum]

I think this is quite common in families with full siblings too. I remember DH doing a lot with our older DC while I did most of the baby stuff with second DC.

[Festivfrenzy]

Mine was the same- much better with our kids now they're bigger, and DSS has become the annoying young adult who does stupid stuff and argues back.
Dont sweat it, just praise him for being such a great dad and give him some bonding time with both his kids so you can get a couple of hours to yourself. Important that both kids bond as siblings ☺️👍

[PrimalOwl10]

If he's only 4 years old and your baby is 6 months you can't have been together very long before you fell pregnant. The issue isn't with this 4 year old but you have a dp problem.

[Greeksummer]

Perhaps directing your resentment towards your DP, where it belongs, and not at an innocent 4 year old child would be a start.

[saraclara]

Four year olds and six month olds are vastly different in how people can engage them and respond to them. Your DH was probably very different with your SS wheel he was a baby.

He still needs to step up and help with the baby, but the interaction is bound to be different. As a grandma I adore both my grandkids, but it's only now that the younger one has hit a year old, that our interactions come even close to how I treat her older sister. That's nothing to do with love and affection, and everything to do with reciprocal communication and the older one seeking the attention by chatting and asking me to do stuff with her.

[lunar1]

It's easy isn't it, to put the blame on an innocent child, rather than being a grownup and dealing with your shit.

[vodkaredbullgirl]

The 4 year old is not the problem, your oh is

[Firsttimemum0558]

Did you read the part where I said it’s not the child’s fault? ◡̈

[Firsttimemum0558]

@lunar1

It's easy isn't it, to put the blame on an innocent child, rather than being a grownup and dealing with your shit.

Did you read the part where I said it’s not the child’s fault? ◡̈

[DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby]

As others have said, your anger is completely misplaced. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with the 4 year old.

What’s your partner like when your stepson isn’t home? During night wakings etc? I have an almost identical age gap between my two children, and my husband and I were very much ‘divide and conquer’ when they were the age your children are now. I’d say things started to ‘improve’ around the one year mark, and now eldest is 7, it’s so easy to include them both.

[TinyYellow]

Your dp is just reacting to the guilt he feels for not providing the same life to his first child that he intends to provide for his second. He might not be going about things the right way but you can’t blame him for being aware that his eldest is probably feeling unsettled, and you clearly can’t blame the child.

[Usernameismyname01]

Did you read the part where posters are telling you to have him look after the baby and his son together and for you to leave him with that ?

Focus on the good advise you're being given here and not pick at the bits that piss you off

[nc42day]

If you dread him arriving and can't wait until he leaves and don't have any bond with him, at least one of the adults in the house is trying to do the right thing by your step son.

[Greeksummer]

Yet you admit you still resent him 🙃

[cadburyegg]

Is he hands on with the baby the rest of the time when SS isn't there?

To be honest I think it's fair enough he focuses on his SS when he is there because he doesn't live with him all of the time. I'm sure as your baby is your first child, the 4 year old seems huge in comparison but a 4 year old is very young and still needs a lot of attention. And their needs are very different to a baby.

[Alwaystransforming]

So many of these threads. Women have children with a man who has children and within weeks or months the woman starts with negative emotions aimed at the child.

and it’s never the child fault. It’s easier to have negative feelings toward a child? Who is doing what?

The problem is your partner hasn’t done anything with your child. But you are taking out on the other child. Who isn’t even there all the time.

I can get your partner having more focus on his oldest child when he is there. Because his oldest isn’t there all the time and he should be picking up the care of his oldest.

Your partner is being a crap parent to your shared child. That’s the issue. But now you are believing the oldest is having differently because he knows he is the favourite? And your bond is gone? All because his father is a crap parent?

You and your parent are the adults here.

[TwylaSands]

This. You sound incredibly immature and your dp sounds like a terrible father.

how old are you?

4 year old DS, and we’ve got a 6 month old baby together. 
My partner hasn’t helped with our baby
that is some rapid movement from your partner.