Resentful towards stepson coming over?

[Firsttimemum0558]

I know how the title sounds but I don’t mean I resent the child at all.
My partner has a 4 year old DS, and we’ve got a 6 month old baby together.
My partner hasn’t helped with our baby, but is extremely hands on with his son when he stays every week. I’ve asked for him to be more inclusive of our baby and show the same love and affection to him as he does his older child yet he still isn’t doing so. It has improved slightly recently but it’s still not the same between the two and his eldest is now seeming to pick up on the fact he is “favourite”.
Because of this behaviour from my partner, I dread his son coming to our house and when he is here, I count down the days until he leaves again which I’m aware sounds cruel as it’s not his fault but it’s hard to see your child being left out and not loved equally. I feel I’ve totally lost the bond I had with my SS, he feels like a stranger when he’s here, but I can’t stop myself from feeling how I do. Any advice how to stop “blaming” the child?? (internally, of course I’d never say anything to him!)

I’ll be honest, I’m a baby person, I am in my element with baby routine etc, my dh, is a fab dad, but doesn’t really get/like the baby phase, he does what’s needed but is amazing at toddler play etc, and imaginative games and so forth. He doesn’t really know what to do with a non walker non talker other than food and nappy. Maybe your dp is similar? Or also he has the baby 24/7 but is concious of making the most of his few days with dss. Just keep you and baby busy, or let him had both for a hour while you nip out

I agree with this.

In which case you can help your feelings.

Every-time they start you remind yourself it’s not yeh child that’s to blame.

Let’s change this. If your boss was off with you and you could pick up they were irritated by your presence. You spoke to them and they said it’s because of the behaviour of a coworker, that’s got nothing to do with you. Would you expect them to act like an adult or would you just think ‘well they can’t help how they feel’

For fucks sake! Op knows her resentment is misplaced and is asking for advice. Posters sticking the boot in, maybe fucking read it first?

Op, I wouldn't be happy about it either. you know it's not the 4yos fault but of course it's easy to feel like that. I would have a serious talk to your dp that whilst the baby won't notice the older child is the favourite yet, they will in time and he needs to get his act together.

Anyone saying oh men just don't get babies, honestly I really think that's bollocks. There's nothing to "get". No, they aren't much fun FFS. But we don't get to pick and choose when we parent.

What is he like with baby when son isn't there ?

Maybe he feels guilty as son is now from split family

6mth and 4yr do diff things

and how is it you think mums know how to interact with a baby?

Some unfair responses here. OP clearly doesn't want to feel the way she does.

OP, have you been blunt and told your partner that HE is causing a divide in the family?

Agree with those who say leave your DP to it with both children once in a while.

Tell him it's for him to figure out how to parent two kids simultaneously, for the kids to bond, and for you to get some time of your own. Can't see how he can argue with any of that.

Why are people asking how he is when DSS isn't there? It's clear in the OP...

My partner hasn’t helped with our baby

Hasn't, past tense. Not "doesn't when DSS is here".

Your DP is probably trying to compensate for being a crap dad to his older child previously. After all, leaving your toddler and shacking up with a new woman isn’t great parenting.

Some men seem only capable of parenting their child once their lack of parenting abilities/interest has fucked up their first relationship

Once they have split up they are suddenly capable of parenting their child but then go ahead and repeat the same mistakes again with the second partner and second child

Now not all men obviously, and that might not be whats happening here. It might be when your SS isnt there he's a great hands on dad

But what I also see a lot of is the dawning realisation on the second wife/partner of why exactly their DH/partner ended up single again in the first place

Isn't it funny that all these men (fathers) who can't look after thier own kids have children with women who are willing to let them get away with it.

You never hear of mothers who 'aren't good with babies' ffs. 🙄

I suspect this is more to do with the fact your child is 6 months old and a 4 year old needs much more in terms of entertaining, plus your husband only sees the 4 year old part time where as he lives with rhe baby.

jealousy though is a very negative emotion that is going to cause extreme damage here,

I didn’t say he couldn’t look after them. Just that he didnt really play with them as much until they were older.

when you are breastfeeding babies prefer their mother anyway that is just biology.

Do we actually know that he actually left? Not sure we do. Not sure we'd call a mother leaving her partner a crap mother either to be honest.

Notice how you described the man leaving his partner and child, then described the imaginary woman leaving her partner.

even when youre trying to advocate for crap dads, you automatically assume the woman wouldnt leave the child.

I would just echo some PPs that this may be more of an age/developmental stage thing than a favourites/blended family thing. I have three full siblings and other than 'minding' us while mum had a shower or something and making sure we didn't hurt ourselves my dad had very little to do with us until we could speak enough to interact and actually play. I think he did some nappies and baths etc but he certainly wasn't on the floor with us as babies on a playmat or building blocks etc.

I'm not saying that's OK and of course he should be more involved, I just wouldn't jump straight to DSS being the favourite! FWIW my dad was amazing from the age of about 2/3, loads of active interaction, crafts, long conversations, outdoorsy stuff etc that my mum wasn't as into. We're all very close as adults and so far as I know there are no favourites.

The above obviously assumes that you weren't with DP when DSS was a small baby and he wasn't completely different with him to how he is with your DS now...

Eh? I didn't say anything about the dad leaving his child. The other poster did. I specifically said leaving her partner because that's exactly what this is. Most people don't "leave" their children. But a lot of posters like to insinuate that's what they're doing. Bit like you've just done.

And I'm not sure asking if we know if he actually did leave, is me advocating for crap dads. It's called a question. Have you not come across one before?

Ps. I've already said he's crap. Hth.

I would just echo some PPs that this may be more of an age/developmental stage thing than a favourites/blended family thing.
It doeant mattet how old the op‘s partner is, or how lacking in emotional development he is, he is a father and partner and he needs to step up.

i have a 2 year old and my partner has a 11 year old.. he was exactly the same and still is mostly however it’s getting better and better as she gets older.

it shouldn’t be this way though but some men are just shocking when a baby is a small baby. I feel the more my 2 year old develops the more he is hands on. I mean he hadn’t had her on his own since may 2023 till a week ago…

he has his other child every other week.. does everything he can etc etc etc. i don’t get much help but I’m beginning too. Where as I’ve just spent two years and our relationship prior to our child watching him go above and beyond bur what helped was the eldest mother said he was the exact same.

you either leave and do it on your own anyway or do it on your own still in a relationship. I don’t live with my partner which helps me because I’m actually doing it on my own 80% of the time anyway. So sometimes it’s better than living with him and doing soo

it might just be this if He is a good enough dad to his eldest it might just be the age and men do find small babies boring. I’ve heard this a lot

😅

(I'm assuming this is a joke, can never be sure on here...haha)

I’m a DGM but babies can be quite boring - and a 4 yrs old is great fun -can play games indoors and out, tell you what that they want, draw, colour, make believe. Etcetc
I would try to get 4year old playing with baby. Helping to amuse him, plenty of praise.
But sounds as though DH isn’t helping look after baby -he needs to do that
i do feel that the first born gets most attention all round. Just the way it is -unfortunately you have different firsts.

Your baby is 6 months old. YABVU.
Imagine how this 4 year old feels? This baby gets his dad all the time!

It's great he's loving and affectionate towards his son when he's there.

Your 6 month old is too young to notice anything at all.

It might be worth recognising that if your relationship with him breaks down in future, which isn't statistically unlikely, you're getting a snapshot into how he might treat your child.

Just to add on rather than replying individually, he works long hours so doesn’t see our baby any other days except the 2 days a week he has his son come, and has never got up for a single night waking, so he doesn’t “see the baby all the time”, he sees the baby exactly the same amount as he sees his other son.
I know for a fact that he got up every night with his first and had him 2 days a week from when he split up with his sons mother at 6 months old.
He is treating them totally differently, and it’s not just due to the age difference.