Resentful towards stepson coming over?

[Firsttimemum0558]

I know how the title sounds but I don’t mean I resent the child at all.
My partner has a 4 year old DS, and we’ve got a 6 month old baby together.
My partner hasn’t helped with our baby, but is extremely hands on with his son when he stays every week. I’ve asked for him to be more inclusive of our baby and show the same love and affection to him as he does his older child yet he still isn’t doing so. It has improved slightly recently but it’s still not the same between the two and his eldest is now seeming to pick up on the fact he is “favourite”.
Because of this behaviour from my partner, I dread his son coming to our house and when he is here, I count down the days until he leaves again which I’m aware sounds cruel as it’s not his fault but it’s hard to see your child being left out and not loved equally. I feel I’ve totally lost the bond I had with my SS, he feels like a stranger when he’s here, but I can’t stop myself from feeling how I do. Any advice how to stop “blaming” the child?? (internally, of course I’d never say anything to him!)

It was but youre right, you can never be sure

You seem to be jealous of his first child. This is such a classic. Don't do it.

You're comparing and it's not going to end well, for any of you. You got together and had a baby with a man who already had a very young child. This is what you have chosen, please don't take it out on a four year old, who had no choice in any of this. Time to grow up.

My Thoughts straight away.

Just to add on rather than replying individually, he works long hours so doesn’t see our baby any other days except the 2 days a week he has his son come

So he a very part time dad on all accounts then.

You obviously knew his working pattern and that he wouldn't be very involved with your child.

I don't understand why he would want another child that he only sees twice a week.

You are sounding very mean,Also some men are just not great with babies and are better once the child is older and can tell them what they want ect. I think babies frighten some people.

I think if your DH only sees his 4 year old part time - perhaps it's absolutely fair he prioritises him when he is round? The boy needs to be assured he isn't being forgotten for a new child who gets to live with dad full time.

When you have a baby and older child - it's common for the dad to end up spending a lot more time with the older one. I remember this from when mine were little.

Well he got over his baby fright enough to create 2 of them! 🙄

He has a responsibility to be a good dad to both of them and if he doesn't know what to do then he needs to bloody well learn just like the mums do.

But he isnt doing anything with the baby at all

Interesting that he split with his ex when his first was 6 months… I’m guessing history is repeating itself he’s a crap partner and dad. Read him the riot act or follow the first wives example and tell him to beat it…

You can’t continue in an environment where your child is second best everytime at some point you will need to protect your DC from blatant favouritism

Is it that SS is the favourite or is that your partner just isn't great with babies? 6 months is still tiny and they don't really do too much at that age. I get a lot more interaction etc now from my DC at 3 than I did at months old. DH definitely plays with our DC a lot more now they are a bit older, I think that can be fairly normal. I think men get a lot more out of playing with DC than nurturing them like we do. I loved a little new born cuddle whereas DH loves the rough and tumble of a toddler more.

If it is genuinely that he favours SS though then that isn't okay and I'd be having words about that.

Okay just caught up with your replies. No it's obviously absolutely not okay that he does nothing at all for the baby.

I wonder what would happen to the worlds population if women suddenly decided they too were frightened of babies, wouldn't be great looking after them and would only really start engaging with them when they started to talk...

Did he want another kid? Doesn't sound like it....

Irrelevant as he now actually has one.

What a helpful comment.

Well yes but there's probably different approaches as to whether or not he's a willing partner just juggling with time or someone who is looking for a way out.

Whether he wanted the child or not he doesn't get to just ignore them.

>> It’s easier to have negative feelings toward a child?

This is a lot of family problems in a nutshell, yes. Step-parents being angry at little kids instead of DP’s, siblings or cousins being angry at a perceived “favored” other child instead of being angry at the parents or grandparents doing the favoring. Etc.

why? Because 1) children are vulnerable and easy targets. They lack the power and emotional tools to fight back, and unless they have strong, loving adults in their lives who are keenly aware of the surroundings, no one’s going to stand up for them. And 2) those DP, parents, grandparents who really deserve the blame are powerful. They have things that people want (intimacy, money, security, attention, etc.). It’s too dangerous to challenge them. So just transfer the blame to the child.

The OP is aware of this and rightfully blames her DP. But a lot of people just blame vulnerable kids, it’s easier.