Obese SD- can we do anything?

[clacixal]

Hello,

My stepdaughter has gradually been putting on more and more weight in the last few years. She is now on the 99th percentile at age 11. I know people say that the NHS BMI shouldn't be used, but in this case it is very visible that she is obese anyway. She can no longer walk up the stairs without getting out of breath.

Unfortunately, we only see her for all half terms, 2 weeks Easter, 3 weeks summer and alternative Christmas and New Year. This is due to the very large distance between us (mum moved away long time ago before I was on the scene).

My partner has discussed the weight issues with his daughter's mum last April, and she agreed that she was overweight and they needed to do something. They came up with a loose plan. I know it might not matter and this isn't a dig at all, but SD mum is also very overweight too. She wasn't overweight as a child or young adult though.

It is mostly dietary, we know they eat a lot of take aways. SD and her mum don't get out very much for walks etc either.

We bought SD a Fitbit to try and encourage her to be healthy at the same time, her mum agreed but she wore it for about two weeks and that was that. We ordered her a trampoline also and it never was used.

Nothing has been done and she is now very overweight. We worry about her mental and physical health and the implications of the situation. She starts seniors in September and we are worried about her being bullied also.

But what can my partner do? We are a healthy family, we eat well and get out a lot, so when SD is with us she sees this. We get her to cook with us and we try to educate her about nutrition without making a huge deal etc.

He tried to call our GP here but they said they cannot do much.

I would appreciate not receiving the 'move closer' comments- this is not possible due to family and work here. If it was just my partner and I with no other ties we would possibly have looked into that as an option but it is not. His work that he's been with they were together is here so it's just not easy. She moved away for a relationship that didn't work unfortunately and my partner was young and clueless at the time in regard to his rights etc.

The relationship is strained between my partner and his ex- for other reasons and there is a court order in place (my partner being the applicant). They now communicate on a parenting app. I have suggested he speaks openly on there about his worries but as he has already done so last year and nothing has been done, he is unsure what his next steps could be?

We surely can't just watch her get more and more overweight?

Can he call the school perhaps? He obviously has PR and there is a 'lives with both' order also if that helps. Or maybe her GP surgery where they live?

Thank you

The bed situation is unacceptable. He needs to travel down and sort it if the mother is so mentally unwell she can't.

The mum hasn't admitted herself she has mental health issues but just that she is currently signed off work since October due to stress and anxiety. But there was a court case at the time that's just been concluded so I can imagine that didn't help things.

I'm not going to start getting into it as it'll look as though I am 'slagging' her off. But she isn't a hands on mother, and there has been issues for a long time. SD still comes to us with dirty knickers, bad teeth, smelly clothes etc. of course my partner has raised this with her mother and with school. Nothing seems to be working though. No one seems to really care.

My partner does go there for some weekends, especially if he works away, he always makes time to see her but he also does have our children here (twins who are babies) so he can't just work Monday-Friday then go there for the weekend every week. But I will add, he hasn't been welcomed up there since he made a court application- the mother obstructed contact and even FaceTimes etc weren't happening much.

That is all sorted now and there is a CAO in place and they have a 'lives with' both parents order. The mother has to make sure phone is on for set calls, and they have all the dates ordered for when she is with us.

My partner and her met in a different town to their home towns. She moved and moved again to be with family where she is now.

I'm not defending my partner here but he is trying to sort something, but he cannot just move 350 miles away- we've been together a long time and it wasn't always like this. It's gradually got worse over the years hence he went to court.

The mother actually got a bit of a telling off in court due to her not facilitating a loving relationship between daughter and father- there was alienation taking place and it wasn't great.

My partner is in contact with school, they are away and he speaks to the safeguarding officer. She doesn't seem interested and has even stated that SD probably slips through the net as she does okay academically.

She is on a mattress on the floor sorry. Her bed broke nearly a year ago and she kept saying one was being ordered. Partner tried to contact ex but she ignores a lot of his communication.

So for now we are just looking at what the next steps are.

We have said with the new court order in place we will give it 6 months to see if things improve. Then we shall go back to court and see if we can have Sd live with us. But I know how the system works- and I just don't think there's enough there for a judge to order that move as it would be changing her whole world. I am unsure. But the weight thing he is going to speak to her and see what she says in response to him going up there and they all go to the GP together.

might of missed it but why is there such a distance between your home and your SD?

It’s sad but I doubt there’s anything you can do unfortunately. She might change when she’s old enough to make her own choices.

As above from OP

My partner and her met in a different town to their home towns. She moved and moved again to be with family where she is now.

Unfortunately with the huge cuts in public funding and the really horrific circumstances some children live in, it sounds as if, sadly, your SD doesn't hit the thresholds for more intervention. Not right I know.

I've also seen parental alienation in action and the damage it does to childrens relationships with their DF and his family. Awful.

Your DH can only keep asking, keep flagging up and being a voice for his DD.

It’s not the step-mother who is failing the child in this scenario. It is the father. The step mother is posting, but the father is the one who has made a series of choices that has ended at this point.

yes, mumsnet can be harsh with parents who don’t make an effort. Parenting is hard work.

it is often the step-parent posting, but many posters take issue with the largely absent parent. The step-parent is just a bystander. If they receive flak it is for defending the choices of the parent.

Having your SD come and live with you might not be the best thing for her. You've already said for you she comes behind your own children and I suspect in some ways you will always look down on her compared to them. She and her own mum will likely have shared understandings which you won't be able to replicate.

If her mum is a bit pathetic then she is likely to grow up more independent which can be more useful than a middle class upbringing. Her mum also has support from her own family where she lives. Teaching her skills to help her with independence could be useful to her eg how to use a washing machine, how often to wash underwear. If her mum has picked up you might be going to swoop in and take her daughter away no wonder she has mental health difficulties. If your SD was seriously neglected the school would have picked it up and your SD would likely be telling you she was unhappy and wants to see you more.