Obese SD- can we do anything?

[clacixal]

Hello,

My stepdaughter has gradually been putting on more and more weight in the last few years. She is now on the 99th percentile at age 11. I know people say that the NHS BMI shouldn't be used, but in this case it is very visible that she is obese anyway. She can no longer walk up the stairs without getting out of breath.

Unfortunately, we only see her for all half terms, 2 weeks Easter, 3 weeks summer and alternative Christmas and New Year. This is due to the very large distance between us (mum moved away long time ago before I was on the scene).

My partner has discussed the weight issues with his daughter's mum last April, and she agreed that she was overweight and they needed to do something. They came up with a loose plan. I know it might not matter and this isn't a dig at all, but SD mum is also very overweight too. She wasn't overweight as a child or young adult though.

It is mostly dietary, we know they eat a lot of take aways. SD and her mum don't get out very much for walks etc either.

We bought SD a Fitbit to try and encourage her to be healthy at the same time, her mum agreed but she wore it for about two weeks and that was that. We ordered her a trampoline also and it never was used.

Nothing has been done and she is now very overweight. We worry about her mental and physical health and the implications of the situation. She starts seniors in September and we are worried about her being bullied also.

But what can my partner do? We are a healthy family, we eat well and get out a lot, so when SD is with us she sees this. We get her to cook with us and we try to educate her about nutrition without making a huge deal etc.

He tried to call our GP here but they said they cannot do much.

I would appreciate not receiving the 'move closer' comments- this is not possible due to family and work here. If it was just my partner and I with no other ties we would possibly have looked into that as an option but it is not. His work that he's been with they were together is here so it's just not easy. She moved away for a relationship that didn't work unfortunately and my partner was young and clueless at the time in regard to his rights etc.

The relationship is strained between my partner and his ex- for other reasons and there is a court order in place (my partner being the applicant). They now communicate on a parenting app. I have suggested he speaks openly on there about his worries but as he has already done so last year and nothing has been done, he is unsure what his next steps could be?

We surely can't just watch her get more and more overweight?

Can he call the school perhaps? He obviously has PR and there is a 'lives with both' order also if that helps. Or maybe her GP surgery where they live?

Thank you

@Mrsttcno1 I think that is very unfair to say. My son does come first for me. If I had to choose it would always be him. Who would choose a step child over their own child's well being? I am unsure.

Of course it hasn't happened over night. Unfortunately I cannot go into the ins and outs on here. We have had issues for a while, yes. And yes, in an ideal world we would live close by and be able to be more involved. But that isn't what is happening here. And that is not what I have asked.

I simply wanted to know, in our situation, without moving away, what our options are and what we could do to help.

But yes, ultimately my children will come first over step children. And anyone who doesn't agree, then that's great for them- they are a better person than I am.

We used to have SD every three weeks as well as the holidays but this stopped as mother stated it was too tiring for daughter to travel that far for a weekend- we were upset but understood the wishes and wellbeing of SD.

When we saw her more, of course it helped.

A week in the summer will not help in the long run unfortunately.

I think he's just going to have to speak to SD mother again and just press that the weight is worrying because of the health issues etc. I guess as others have said, there's not much more we can do.

All I know is that I want to try and do something, as I'd hate for her to grow up and as an adult ask us why we didn't do anything.

I suppose it’s a shame for your step daughter then that her dad doesn’t feel the same about his daughter as you do about your son really then? Your son can be your priority, but his daughter should be his. If he was truly concerned about her weight and health that would trump almost anything and he would be moving heaven and earth to do whatever he can to fix that.

It’s a shame that she doesn’t seem to have anyone willing to bat for her in the same way that you would for your son. She has a mother who clearly has allowed/enabled this lifestyle and a part time dad who allowed her to be taken 6 hours away and chooses not to be present in her life. She probably will wake up in 10 years time and wonder why on earth neither of her parents bothered to step up for her, and at that point it will be for her mum and dad to live with and explain their own excuses.

What options do you think you have without bothering to do any parenting or be present? Especially at age 11, every meal she has, every snack she eats, every drink she consumes is bought and prepared by her mum. If her mum eats rubbish or just eats too much, then so will her daughter. At age 11, she has no independence to be more active. You aren’t even happy with her getting in a taxi alone (which I totally agree with and I wouldn’t be happy with that either), but it means she can’t do anything to be more active unless mum does it, she can’t take herself off on a 5k run, bike ride, can’t take herself swimming or to football club or netball or running club- her mum has to facilitate it all. You can’t force her mum to do anything and from 6 hours away, you can’t help. So it really comes down to how bothered really is everyone involved?

Mum isn’t concerned enough to change anything, and it appears dad also isn’t concerned enough to change anything either. So nobody is bothered enough to step up for her, nothing will change. SOMETHING has to change, somebody has to care enough to step up for her. If you are both really and truly that worried, you’ll find a way to be that person.

Op there is nothing you can do from this distance with so little contact time. And nothing you can do to force the mother to change.

If neither of her parents care about the situation enough to change it then you are powerless as a step mother. You simply can't do anything to make up for the fact that her parents aren't stepping up for her.

For your own sanity you need to accept that you can't change this.

She hasn't got a bed??

Her dad needs to step up and apply to court. I would caution against trying to take too much of this on yourself

I agree with this unfortunately. The parents need to sort it out

You could look up web pages that are related to a condition called: Prader Willi Syndrome.
It seems to be a condition of ultra-compulsive eating due to being born with one particular chromosone being defective. Apparently, people will eat themselves to bursting point but their brain signals that they are STILL very hungry.
It sounds like the ultimate curse.
Please try and find these sites.

I think you are coming across as critical of SD her mum and her family. I would just continue modelling healthy behaviour for the next three years. By 14 she will be able to travel to you herself if she wants and she will have more ability to take exercise and cook herself. However if you come across as snobbish she is more likely to reject you entirely.

Not really being a snob over this am I? It's more that I'm concerned she is going to have health issues and be bullied. Are step mums not allowed to have these concerns or should I just be the evil witch that I'm meant to play out.

My partner is going to be sending a message via their parenting app to suggest he comes up and they can both take her to the GP and at the same time build her bed. See what she says; I hope she agrees to it for their daughter's sake.

How can op not be critical of someone who feeds her child rubbish and leaves her child sleep on the floor.

It’s just a little bit hypocritical of OP to criticise one parent for letting this poor girl down, while jumping into bed at night beside this child’s other parent, who lives 6 hours away, see’s her a handful of times a year and who’s version of parenting is a trampoline delivery on the door step.

Both of that child’s parents are letting her down and should be really disappointed in themselves.

This.

It could be an early sign of PCOS or thyroid issues, or anything metabolic.

Go easy on her.

Not all weight issues are food related.

Why does she have to travel up to you, why can't dad go down to her? Then he could see her more frequently. You said you don't think she'd want to come and live with you. Have you actually asked her?

I'm a bit unsure what you mean?

In her school holidays?

If I were the father I'd be going for custody of her. If I couldn't get that I would move closer and ask for a 50/50 agreement. The poor child.

I was under the impression that a parent can't block a move, other than to another country. It sounds as if DM has moved to be with her extended family, this woukd be seen as her support network.

OP, your DH could increase his contact with the school around his DD’s attendance. This is a key focus at the minute, in supporting children to reach their full potential. DD will be very much in school’s radar with possibly other support in place already.
Are Early Help working with the family? An attendance officer?
Is your DH involved?
Accountability and support for DM is needed from wherever this can be accessed. Pressure on services/school from your DH in requesting support for his DD may help.

I was going to suggest that allowing a child to gain more and more weight is a safeguarding issue, in the same way as neglecting a child's teeth or other health conditions.

You do say there are other issues ... but not enough for social services to get involved, which suggests you've already raised the safeguarding concern...?

(There was a v sad case in the news, not saying your SD is comparable)

She is clearly neglected and your partner ought to go to court and ask for custody. Whether it’s what she wants or not isn’t really the point- neglected children often don’t want to leave their parent, it doesn’t follow you do nothing. Poor girl doesn’t have a bed ffs.

@clacixal you said it was too much for her to travel for a weekend. So why doesn't her dad travel down and see her?

So, next step is for my partner to delicately speak to her this coming week about it.

There's no point. All that happens in that case is DD feels worse but can't change anything. He needs to seriously think about being the primary carer.

OP, you said the mum moved all that way away to pursue a relationship that didn't work out, and then added that she lives very close to relatives now. So did she move again, to be close to the family? Has your DSD had various disruptive house moves??

Is she literally sleeping on the floor, or did you send a mattress? What happened to her previous bed? Sorry, so many questions ...

MN is harsh! Op is concerned and asking for advice, and of course will prioritise her own children - that's instinct.

I suppose it can be harsh; but step-parenting, especially for women, is - like growing old - no place for the faint-hearted.