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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Obese SD- can we do anything?

58 replies

clacixal · 09/02/2024 12:22

Hello,

My stepdaughter has gradually been putting on more and more weight in the last few years. She is now on the 99th percentile at age 11. I know people say that the NHS BMI shouldn't be used, but in this case it is very visible that she is obese anyway. She can no longer walk up the stairs without getting out of breath.

Unfortunately, we only see her for all half terms, 2 weeks Easter, 3 weeks summer and alternative Christmas and New Year. This is due to the very large distance between us (mum moved away long time ago before I was on the scene).

My partner has discussed the weight issues with his daughter's mum last April, and she agreed that she was overweight and they needed to do something. They came up with a loose plan. I know it might not matter and this isn't a dig at all, but SD mum is also very overweight too. She wasn't overweight as a child or young adult though.

It is mostly dietary, we know they eat a lot of take aways. SD and her mum don't get out very much for walks etc either.

We bought SD a Fitbit to try and encourage her to be healthy at the same time, her mum agreed but she wore it for about two weeks and that was that. We ordered her a trampoline also and it never was used.

Nothing has been done and she is now very overweight. We worry about her mental and physical health and the implications of the situation. She starts seniors in September and we are worried about her being bullied also.

But what can my partner do? We are a healthy family, we eat well and get out a lot, so when SD is with us she sees this. We get her to cook with us and we try to educate her about nutrition without making a huge deal etc.

He tried to call our GP here but they said they cannot do much.

I would appreciate not receiving the 'move closer' comments- this is not possible due to family and work here. If it was just my partner and I with no other ties we would possibly have looked into that as an option but it is not. His work that he's been with they were together is here so it's just not easy. She moved away for a relationship that didn't work unfortunately and my partner was young and clueless at the time in regard to his rights etc.

The relationship is strained between my partner and his ex- for other reasons and there is a court order in place (my partner being the applicant). They now communicate on a parenting app. I have suggested he speaks openly on there about his worries but as he has already done so last year and nothing has been done, he is unsure what his next steps could be?

We surely can't just watch her get more and more overweight?

Can he call the school perhaps? He obviously has PR and there is a 'lives with both' order also if that helps. Or maybe her GP surgery where they live?

Thank you

OP posts:
PutMyFootIn · 09/02/2024 12:25

I'm not sure what calling the school will achieve.

The only option to me seems to be for her to move in with you and for you to then monitor everything. Not sure even that will work though.

Original poster
clacixal · 09/02/2024 12:26

PutMyFootIn · 09/02/2024 12:25

I'm not sure what calling the school will achieve.

The only option to me seems to be for her to move in with you and for you to then monitor everything. Not sure even that will work though.

We would love her to move in with us; not only due to the weight but there are a lot of other issues at her home with mum too. She has been sleeping on her bedroom floor for nearly a year (we got a bed delivered, hasn't been put up). Her attendance at school is 82%. There's just a lot going on but unfortunately it's just 'not enough' for social services to get involved.

OP posts:
Lovingitallnow · 09/02/2024 12:28

Unfortunately the only people who can influence a change in a meaningful way are SD and her primary caregiver. And I'd imagine the only significant influence for SD to change would also be her primary caregiver so the only meaningful that you can do is make steps to become her primary caregiver. Other than that role model healthy eating for the however many weeks you have or. Or if she's into a sport or activity try facilitate that financially.

PutMyFootIn · 09/02/2024 12:32

The trampoline and the bed you got delivered, did you also arrange for someone to assemble them? Because I wouldn't be able to do that. Buying something is easy, thats just shopping, clicking a button. The hard part is assembling it .

Ponderingwindow · 09/02/2024 12:45

There is a slim possibility that the child has some sort of endocrine or other medical disorder causing weight gain. If that is the case, actively pursuing medical investigation would help. However, that is incredibly unlikely and nothing you write points to that.

so I don’t think there is anything you can do. This is one of those day to day, boots on the ground parenting issues.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2024 12:51

I can see why you’re worried but I don’t think you’ll be able to do anything with such infrequent contact. One of my DSC was obese for years and we were up against it trying to do anything even with twice weekly contact.

abeautifulmess1234 · 09/02/2024 12:53

You sound like a lovely SM

Original poster
clacixal · 09/02/2024 12:59

PutMyFootIn · 09/02/2024 12:32

The trampoline and the bed you got delivered, did you also arrange for someone to assemble them? Because I wouldn't be able to do that. Buying something is easy, thats just shopping, clicking a button. The hard part is assembling it .

They live on the same road with three other family members; so I am assuming they could have asked an uncle etc to help. But maybe not? I'm not sure sorry.

OP posts:
ilovebreadsauce · 09/02/2024 12:59

I feel there is quite a bit to unpick here, even more fundamental than her diet.
She can't be sleeping on the floor! Her dad needs to go and get that bed assembled, or pay someone local to do it.
Her obesity is a symptom of something elso going on.The reason why she us missing so much school is likely the reason she is overweight.Her mum having at least 2 broken relationships behind her, seeing her dad so little , and potentially something going on at school.Ahe needs to be in a good place e mentally before she can realistically tackle weight loss

Original poster
clacixal · 09/02/2024 13:01

ilovebreadsauce · 09/02/2024 12:59

I feel there is quite a bit to unpick here, even more fundamental than her diet.
She can't be sleeping on the floor! Her dad needs to go and get that bed assembled, or pay someone local to do it.
Her obesity is a symptom of something elso going on.The reason why she us missing so much school is likely the reason she is overweight.Her mum having at least 2 broken relationships behind her, seeing her dad so little , and potentially something going on at school.Ahe needs to be in a good place e mentally before she can realistically tackle weight loss

Yes- I really agree with you. We are trying to do what we can due to the distance and with SD mum who suffers from poor mental health too. We have tried all sorts of co parenting (my partner has).

We are at a bit of a loss on what the next step is- could you please advise?

OP posts:
Original poster
clacixal · 09/02/2024 13:03

Also unfortunately, we know the reason she misses so much school is due to her mum having very loose boundaries at home. If SD texts her mum in the morning stating she has a sore throat, mum lets her stay at home. We have seen these texts (we know this is a privacy thing but this was recently when we started to be more concerned on what goes on within their home there).

She gets taxis alone too which we aren't happy with either- but I'm not sure if that is us being precious

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/02/2024 13:04

If her mum has poor MH then that’s huge problem. If she’s not well she may not be able to prioritise nutrition.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 09/02/2024 13:05

Why hasn't he gone to court to try and get 50/50 or custody himself?

CharmedCult · 09/02/2024 13:12

Would your SD want to come and live with you? Would that be a possibility? Would her mother agree to it?

Original poster
clacixal · 09/02/2024 13:29

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 09/02/2024 13:05

Why hasn't he gone to court to try and get 50/50 or custody himself?

Because of the distance; we are under the impression that this wouldn't work.

They have only just gone to court so my partner is waiting to see if things improve now there is a court order in place.

OP posts:
Original poster
clacixal · 09/02/2024 13:29

CharmedCult · 09/02/2024 13:12

Would your SD want to come and live with you? Would that be a possibility? Would her mother agree to it?

I don't think so because her whole life is there and school etc. she's at an age now where it would be hard for her I think. She loves it here though!

OP posts:
Original poster
clacixal · 09/02/2024 13:30

Wolfiefan · 09/02/2024 13:04

If her mum has poor MH then that’s huge problem. If she’s not well she may not be able to prioritise nutrition.

Yes this was mentioned in court but nothing really was said? Just that she is off work at the moment due to stress and anxiety etc.

OP posts:
Illpickthatup · 09/02/2024 13:34

Do you think your SD would want to move in with you full time? If so I'd suggest you OH applies to court for main custody. At age 11 her opinion will be taken into consideration and given the issues going on at her mum's you'd have a good chance of getting it especially if that's what the child wants. It's the perfect age as well before she starts high school and gets settled in.

Wolfiefan · 09/02/2024 13:34

Is she getting treatment?

Original poster
clacixal · 09/02/2024 13:37

Wolfiefan · 09/02/2024 13:34

Is she getting treatment?

She hasn't said to us that she is.

OP posts:
Original poster
clacixal · 09/02/2024 13:39

Illpickthatup · 09/02/2024 13:34

Do you think your SD would want to move in with you full time? If so I'd suggest you OH applies to court for main custody. At age 11 her opinion will be taken into consideration and given the issues going on at her mum's you'd have a good chance of getting it especially if that's what the child wants. It's the perfect age as well before she starts high school and gets settled in.

Unfortunately, her friends and life is there. I don't think she'd want to move here as it would be such a huge change for her. It's not up the road, it's a 5-6 hour drive away.

We will apply for residency if things do not improve for her health, education and wellbeing but it would obviously be for a judge to decide.

My partner has called the GP and they have said they can't do anything and that her mother would have to arrange it all.

So, next step is for my partner to delicately speak to her this coming week about it.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/02/2024 15:21

Yes sadly OP as others have already pointed out, from 6 hours away there’s absolutely nothing you can do.

Especially with diet and exercise, she is never going to be able to eat better or move more if her mum doesn’t do those things at home.

The best & only thing you can do is try and be more present in her life, especially her father. Personally if it was me, I can’t imagine anything being too difficult or too much hassle to overcome if it meant being there to look after my daughters health.

Original poster
clacixal · 09/02/2024 15:33

Mrsttcno1 · 09/02/2024 15:21

Yes sadly OP as others have already pointed out, from 6 hours away there’s absolutely nothing you can do.

Especially with diet and exercise, she is never going to be able to eat better or move more if her mum doesn’t do those things at home.

The best & only thing you can do is try and be more present in her life, especially her father. Personally if it was me, I can’t imagine anything being too difficult or too much hassle to overcome if it meant being there to look after my daughters health.

It would mean we'd need to separate if that was the case and we have children too. My son from a previous also has a scholarship at a very good school here; along with all our support network for childcare etc. If we were to move, it would be extremely difficult without family near for childcare etc!

We have weighed things up a lot throughout the years. It is very difficult.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/02/2024 15:40

clacixal · 09/02/2024 15:33

It would mean we'd need to separate if that was the case and we have children too. My son from a previous also has a scholarship at a very good school here; along with all our support network for childcare etc. If we were to move, it would be extremely difficult without family near for childcare etc!

We have weighed things up a lot throughout the years. It is very difficult.

Show quote history

I suppose it just all depends on how much this bothers you and how concerned her father is.

It feels like this is one of those things that hasn’t happened overnight, she presumably has lived 6 hours away for a long time, her father chose to allow that and is now choosing to stay that far apart. She also hasn’t suddenly gained all of the weight/lifestyle issues overnight. So there is no magic “overnight” solution, there’s only ones you can work towards.

Personally, if you are really worried about this child’s diet and size, the impact that will have on her health long term across her entire life even, that would trump any school place another child has. Health vs a school scholarship wouldn’t even be a real debate for me, there’s an obvious “most important” there.

It feels as though you both are good at doing the easy bit, the slagging her mum off for her bit, sending items to the door but never going to put them up or encourage her to use them, buying a fit bit etc. That’s not parenting though.

Octavia64 · 09/02/2024 15:41

Educating the SD about nutrition will only go so far; at 11 her mum will be cooking and/or providing most of her meals and no matter how healthy she wants to be if mum provides unhealthy food then that is what there is.

The same with exercise - if mum won't or can't take her to clubs etc and or model running/cycling then she isn't old enough that she is likely to do it on her own.

So you need to work on mum.
If there is a court order and it sounds like things are not very amicable then that will be difficult.

Could your DH go up to her one week of the holidays (maybe stay in a hotel) and sell it as I can make your bed so you have somewhere to sleep and get her a bike and go on bike rides?