Mothers Day/ Fathers Day

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

Just curious what happens in other blended households really!

What does your household do for Mothers Day/ Fathers Day when it comes to gifts/ cards?

As step parents, do you expect gifts?

As the biological parent, do you expect other biological parent or step parent to buy on behalf of kids? (SM buys for dad, or SD buys for mum, or does mum/ dad buy for ExP?).

At what age are children expected to start buying their own gifts for their parents?

I don't know why this has popped in to my head today 🤣

My stepkids are 5, 16 and 17. I've been in their lives for 3 years now. I don't buy gifts on behalf of the older kids but I'll take my 5yo DSD to buy something or her dad and help her make a card etc.

I get a card and gift from my DSD and last year her and DH brought me breakfast in bed. We are super close and she tells people she has 2 mummies. I know not everyone has this relationship with their stepkids.

I've never received anything from my teenage SSs, nor have I expected to. I play a very different role in their lives and although we get on I've never tried to parent them as such. Although last year my oldest SS did mention to my DH that he wasn't sure whether he should get me something for mother's day. I think he felt like he should but was being a bit of an awkward teen about it. DH told him it was up to him and I would definitely appreciate it. In the end he didn't but probably because he only had about 4 quid to his name and had to use that to get his mum something. He did wish me a happy mother's day though.

My relationship with oldest SS has developed over the last year. He now lives with us full-time so I see him more often. He also opened up about some stuff that was going on at his mum's and it transpired that he'd been told a pack of lies about me. Since we cleared up a few things we've gotten a bit closer. He doesn't see his mum much any more. He's asked me to teach him how to cook. He'll chat to me about things going on in his life, ask about my day and ask me for advice. I've also helped him with his CV and looking for jobs and showed him how to do laundry etc. I've definitely played a more active part in his life in the last year so maybe I'll get a card this year. But he's 17 so I'm not holding out much hope. Haha!

The main thing for me is that my DH recognises and appreciates what I do for our family.

That sounds like a great set up and relationships that you all have, even if it's taken a while to get there in some respects!

Does DH buy a gift for mum from the youngest? I'm assuming from what you've said the eldest does buy for mum himself, so maybe he buys a gift from them all instead?

Another that popped in to my head but couldn't edit the OP, what happens on yours/ DH/ ex's birthday? Is it a similar thing?

I help DSD get presents for her dad for things like this and he helps her get things for me: she’s a teen so can pick it but needs money. For Mother’s Day it’s up to her if she wants to get me something but usually does or joins in with our younger DC. When she has a job I’d expect her to buy it herself.
For her mum that’s left to mums partner or family to help get a present; we’d help if asked but that’s the pattern that both parents fell into after they split.

Thank you! It's lovely that she gets you a gift on such a special day.

Curious to know your reasons for buying for DP on behalf of DSC? Was it because it felt like your responsibility, ex wasn't doing it or just to make it fair across both households (with mums family/ partner buying for her) or another reason?

It's sort of evolved. I never expect anything but as time as gone on, I've received a card, flowers last year which was lovely.

I help SD get pressies and card for her dad. Her mum
leaves that to me. I think first year we got together she did it, but everyone was finding their way then. It was all a bit weird and awkward but things change and evolve.

One thing I've learnt over the years is not to take anything for granted.

@GlassCaseOfEmotions when I met DH his DSD was too young to do it herself and his mum would do this then I started to as I quite enjoyed it as we’d pick something special or make something which I knew meant a lot to him.

@JustwantacupfT it is great you do this for DSD and for dad, and that mum did this the first year.

Definitely shouldn't be an expectation for SP to receive on these special days IMO, or be taken for granted if they do receive something!

@Bkjahshue I hope he knows how lucky he is that you help to do this!

In the grand scheme of things, it's only been 3 years so I think I'm really blessed to have the set up I have. I know some blended families can take years and years to settle and some stepparents are just never accepted. So I'm grateful.

Last year DSD was still at nursery and made stuff at nursery for her mum. We don't have a good relationship with the ex, terrible in fact to the point we've had to involve the police. So no, my DH doesn't buy gifts for the ex. The ex has a partner so I guess he can sort something if he wanted to the way I sort something for my DH. DSD has never asked to get something for her mum either so we've not really had to cross that bridge yet.

It's the same deal with birthdays. We just sort our own households. To be honest, the boys are pretty shitty when it comes to getting gifts for DH. The most he gets is a card. I was buying my parents gifts from about age 9 with my own pocket money, even if it was just a chocolate bar. DH and I have discussed and decided that after they turn 18, if they don't get anything for DH for birthdays and Xmas etc then we won't buy for them either. By then they will both be working adults with no excuse. Oldest SS is working and spending £100+ on gifts for his girlfriend but gets nothing for his dad so the Royal Bank of Dad will soon be closing!

I don’t expect anything, no. I have been touched to receive “step mum” cards though.

My ex and I ensure each other receive a card from our daughter.

The co-parenting relationship between my partner and his ex is less amicable, my helping make sure the children had something to give their dad caused massive issues the last 2 years, apparently not my place, but his ex had had no intention of doing the same. A bizarre reaction that only served to upset the children.

I don't get anything for my DH as a stepparent and vice versa, but I do arrange cards and gifts from his own DC as they're still a bit young to do it themselves and hell would freeze over before his ex wife would help them.

It's not her place to tell you it's not your place. Just ignore her. You're well within your rights to help your stepkids choose a gift for their dad.

@Illpickthatup oh she didn’t say a word to me, she just kicked off to her children about it which made them feel awful.

I pay for stepdad's gifts and he pays for mine. We normally get a stepdad card or they sign their younger brother card. Ex and his wife sort themselves

In our house, I get something for my DP from our joint child and his ex sorts out gifts for my SCs. He does the same for her.

I don't have any alone time with my SCs to take them shopping/let them choose something online.

When the kids were younger DH would help sort gifts from all the kids (2 mine, 1 ours) for me for Mothers Days and as far as I remember, I would get him something from all the kids. I would help my DD's with something for their Dad.
Once they were old enough to sort things themselves my dd's always send DH a Fathers Day card, and I assume send one to their own Dad too.

How awful. Why would you want to make you kids feel bad about something like that.

My DSDs mum has made her feel guilty about things and has told her she can't do certain things that's really not her place to decide. Rather than tell her her mum is wrong I've always just asked her how she feels about it and what she wants to do.

One example was when her friend was over for a playdate. Friend knows I'm her stepmum but she asked DSD why she doesn't call me mum and calls me my Firstname. DSD said because I'm not allowed to call her mum, I have to call her Firstname. This is not something that we've ever told her and while I'd never encourage her to call me mum if that's what she wanted then I would go along with it. I just said "DSD can call me whatever she wants. It's whatever she feels comfortable with. Mum, Mom or my Firstname. As long as it's not something like poo-poo head".

DSD told me her mum said I wasn't allowed to braid her hair any more. I asked DSD if that's what she wanted. She said no. So I said well if mum doesn't want you to have braids at her house that's up to her, her house her rules. But the rule in this house is that DSD is the boss of her own hair."

It's terrible that we even have to have these conversations. My DSD is getting to an age now where she's more aware there is conflict between the houses and it's hard to know what to do sometimes without badmouthing her mum or making her feel stuck in the middle.

Goodness me, I’m not surprised you don’t have a good relationship with the ex if you’re encouraging a little child to say she has two mummies and bring you Mother’s Day gifts and breakfast in bed whilst your DH doesn’t bother to sort anything for her mum. She has one mummy FFS.

Also, she’s 5, I’m not surprised she hasn’t yet asked to get anything for mum herself but I’m shocked you wouldn’t at least try to facilitate this as she will surely cotton on soon. Very sad that a little child is caught up in all the one-upmanship.

And instead of raising it with his son your DH is just going to stop buying him presents/helping him out? The whole set-up sounds extremely mean and dysfunctional.

I stay out of it!

We don't have a good relationship with his ex for a multitude of reasons. My DH left her because she punched him and bit his face in front of their 2yo. It was the 5th assault that year and he endured physical and mental abuse for 12 years. So yeah, that plays a massive part in the relationship not being good. On top of that she has used her kids as weapons to get her own way, rarely puts the kids before herself and goes out of her way to cause us problems including trying to get my DH sacked by making malicious phones calls, making false reports to environmental health about me, threatening me as DSD school. So forgive us if we don't rush out to shower her with gifts for mother's day. Like I said, she has a partner who can sort that the way I sort fathers day for DH.

My DSD has never been told to call me mum, she calls me by my name. DH explained what a stepmum was that's all. I spend more time with her than her mum does so if she chooses to tell people she has 2 mummies I'm not going to stop her.

In terms of the boys, where did I say he'd stop helping them? He will always support his children what he won't be doing is continue to spend £100s on designer clothes for them well into adulthood when they can't so much as buy him a card.

My little family is perfectly happy and functional so you can wind your neck in. 1

We are both single so it isn't really the situation you are asking about, but I can't imagine not helping my son choose something to take or his dad on father's day/birthday (annoyingly very close together!) or Christmas. We have a pretty good coparenting relationship though so and I feel like it's something that my son will remember that shows him he has one big family, even if some of us don't spend much time together.

I facilitate my DC to buy for their dad, their dad has a girlfriend but I don't think it is her place to buy for their dad as they are not her children. Children's dad does the same...I'm sure he would love someone else to do it for him, but whether it is down to my DC or his girlfriend, this doesn't seem to happen.
To say also that I would be fuming if either my DC or their dad bought a mother's day gift on behalf of my children for his girlfriend. Thankfully as she also has DC I think she gets it and stays well out of it as far as I can tell.

Personally I think it's the job of the parents to enable the DC to get presents.
Annoyingly my ex and his wife didn't agree. I got a shitty message from her once telling me it was her job to buy presents. (Dc were never involved, she'd buy things and write their names on the label.)
I asked ex who exactly was meant to buy me then, and got told it was not his problem.

But if she plays a role in raising your kids surely it's fine for them to recognise that?

Nope - my step kids would spend the day with their mother (one of them lived with us full time), but I didn't expect anything from them. Also they were old enough to do whatever they wanted in terms of gifts so if they gave one to their dad that was up to them.