Mothers Day/ Fathers Day

[GlassCaseOfEmotions]

Just curious what happens in other blended households really!

What does your household do for Mothers Day/ Fathers Day when it comes to gifts/ cards?

As step parents, do you expect gifts?

As the biological parent, do you expect other biological parent or step parent to buy on behalf of kids? (SM buys for dad, or SD buys for mum, or does mum/ dad buy for ExP?).

At what age are children expected to start buying their own gifts for their parents?

I don't know why this has popped in to my head today 🤣

If your grandparents had any of the kind of expectations put upon them that are commonly expected of step parents (that’s step parents, not dad’s girlfriend who has little involvement) then I might see your point. Whenever a step parent says on here they are “loving and kind” to their DSC they’re automatically disbelieved and prodded for examples to “prove” it. And then they still get soundly berated for not doing enough. I don’t think I’ve seen a grandparent being told they must resent/hate their DGC because they’d prefer not to do their laundry or cooking or drop prearranged plans so they can babysit at the whim of mum or dad etc.

Yes exactly. But then I blame my ex more for choosing to get his dick wet over his kids.

That's the thing, it's rarely the SM or the kids that are the problem. Usually boils down to the man in the middle.

I've always been a priority to my DH but never at the detriment of his kids. If I'd had a problem with him having kids in the beginning it would never have gotten off the ground.

That's my point, there are no expectations of my dcs dad girlfriend and nor should there be, the things you have mentioned are not done because dcs dad doesn't appear to get away with it (as I said in my first post this must be down to his girlfriend having good boundaries) and I don't rely on her at all for anything (and nor do my DC)

Having an active role in your stepkids life doesn't mean you don't have good boundaries.

I do the school run for my SD, not because it was expected of me or because my DH is a shit dad but because we discussed what would work best for our family. I work from home so it made more sense for me to do the school run than for my DH to have to work part-time to facilitate it. Had I said I wasn't willing to take on that responsibility my DH would have worked around it, picked up some extra work on the weekends to make up for only working part-time during the week.

We both have hobbies and coordinate them to fit around childcare. Again if I said I wasn't happy to look after the kids then DH would just drop his hobbies.

I don't look at the kids as his kids, his responsibility. We are all a family. DH and I are a team and we work together to give the kids the best life we can while also ensuring we have time for ourselves as individuals and as a couple.

Step families fail when there is an us and them mentality or when the step-parent is not considered in family decisions or is taken for granted.

@FlippyFloppyShoe I did a lot for my DSC not because I had poor boundaries or DH was getting away with anything (e.g. I never did a school run or babysat them) but because DSC were with us nearly half the time so as the other adult in the house, they naturally came to me as well as their dad if they needed help with something. I’d have been a cold fish indeed if I sent them away every time they asked for help getting a drink or doing their shoelaces or even the less obvious but mentally draining stuff like having to sit down and watch hours and hours of godawful Disney kiddie TV shows or playing computer games with them or showing enthusiasm at the endless detail about what they learned at school today.

So I had my boundaries but still built up enough of a parental style relationship where DSC want to acknowledge me on Mothers Day now they’re adults. I feel sad you think that’s inappropriate.

And come to think of it, it’s actually “Mothering Sunday” - so no reason why anyone in a mothering role shouldn’t be acknowledged should the child in question wish to.

Exactly. Mum is a verb!

Mothering Sunday is actually the tradition of visiting your Mother Church, and nothing to do with Mums.

I don't think Mum is a verb. Mother is, you can Mother someone without being a Mother. I don't think you can "Mum" someone. You can just be a Mum.

@Terfosaurus exactly, and people adopted it to become what the more modern version of what they wanted it to represent ergo there's no hard and fast rules saying who should or shouldn't be celebrated, within reason of course. Until such a time where there's a step parenting day (i.e. never) then if some step children would like to include their step mothers on Mother's Day then I don't see why that should be frowned upon. Everyone still knows who actual mum is.

I personally view it as the children's choice.

The children wants/needs are so often said to be not put at the heart of a blended family but step parents.

But I find it deeply depressing when those needs or wants are overwritten by a mum's disapproval of their children being kind.

Surely we want our kids to be kind ? Right ?

Bonkers.

We’ve always co-parented well. I get on very well with my ex’s wife and with my DH’s ex. It’s all a bit odd to some people that we do get on. I would never expect a gift from my step children, their mum is their mum afterall.

When they were little DH took them to choose a gift for his ex as well as a card and flowers. He did the same with Christmas and birthdays. My ex always took our children to buy something for me. They buy their own gifts now they’re older.

I think it was the second year my ex was living with his partner that the children mentioned Mother’s Day and they kept mentioning it. I asked if they’d like to buy something for her - they chose a packet of all sorts, 2 avocados and flowers. In their defence they were 5 and 7. We still laugh about the avocados. I always got flowers and a candle/card from the DSC on Mother's Day which I suspect their mum bought in the early days.

Hey, don't knock the avocados! Haha! I'd love to received some avocados whatever the occasion.

Since they bought her those gifts has she now replaced you as their mum and left you childless? No. 🙄

I wish more parents where this reasonable and understanding.

While I don't agree that acknowledging SMs on mother's day sound be forced upon kids, if they want to recognise an important person in their life why would anyone else ant to shoot them down in flames for it. No one is trying to steal anyone's mum crown. There's space for everyone.

Personally, Mother's Day for me is about my DH recognising and showing appreciation for everything I do for our family. The fact that my SKs also want to recognise me is amazing and I'm so glad I have that sort of impact on their lives.