Does anyone feel sorry for dads / husbands of blended families trying to keep everyone happy?

[Zonic]

Originally posted this as a question in another thread . Looking at this from dads and husbands point of view it must sometimes be hard to know what the right thing to do is and a nightmare keeping both the current and the ex happy plus all the kids too . Their loyalties must be torn where the children are concerned.

Every situation is different of course
..but I'm referring to situations with adults who are somewhat reasonable.

I see situations where the coparent relationship was good until the new partner comes along... and is so jealous/insecure that our causes issues.

The man is at the centre of it. Then he may have his new partner complaining about his kids and wanting to be the number 1 priority

In the event that an otherwise positive co-parenting relationships go downhill with the introduction of the new partner, that's the time for the parent with a new partner to decide whether this new partner is a good choice.

A new partner who expects a parent to drop their children isn't a good partner choice.

A new partner who dictates how they feel contact should be maintained between two adults who are happily co-parenting isn't a good option for a partner.

Any parent who meets a new partner behaving in this way should be a good enough parent and say "my children are my priority so if you're expecting me to sabotage a healthy co-parenting relationships and my involvement with my children, we want different things and this relationship is over".

If a man/woman chooses to prioritise their love life then they've got no grounds to complain about being stuck in the middle..they chose it.

This all goes both ways.
If your ex is phoning at all hours of the day and night "about the children", her social life is a higher priority than yours:so your plans mean shit, she's wanting him to go round to "fix a leaky tap" and "put up a shelf", she's got a key to your house to let herself in because little Timmy forgot his gym shoes, he's under pressure to spend Christmas at the old family homeetc etc. We've all seen the threads, and those are justboff the top of my head - it's not the new partner who's the unreasonable one for wanting some boundaries in place.
If you don't want any boundaries with your ex and plan to treat any new partner with contempt in the name of your child, stay single!

That's awful! She sounds vile and the sort of person who gives SMs a bad name.

Our custody schedule is 50:50 on paper but we actually have DSD more and DSS lives with us full time now.

We've taken the kids extra when the ex had COVID even though we had a log cabin booked that week which was our Xmas gift to each other. Yet she didn't return the favour stating that the kids weren't her responsibility that week and if DSD was left stranded at nursery that was out problem not her. She was unemployed at the time but obviously had other plans that were much more important than her kids.

We also just had the kids the entire Xmas holidays because she was going to Disneyland with her boyfriend for 2 weeks.

In general we will take the kids if we don't have plans as they're better off here than dumped with a babysitter. But we're allowed a life as well. We're allowed to do things as a couple, have overnights and holidays etc. So if we do have plans the ex will be told no.

She asked once for us to have them last minute one night because she needed to go pick her dad up from the airport. DH told her no as we had planned to have a quiet cosy night after a busy week. We actually didn't believe that that was the reason but her dad getting home from the airport wasn't our problem even if she was telling the truth. Funnily enough there were photos of her on social media that night out drinking.🙄

Of course if it's an emergency or for good reason parents should be flexible and try to accommodate each other. But when one parent just wants a baby sitter so they can go out that's a different matter.

Not saying that all happy co-parenting relationship aren't beneficial for everyone but often when a new partner comes in and is seen to want to make changes to the "happy" co-parenting relationship, it's because it wasn't actually working for both parents and often the dad was just tolerating things for an easy life.

But also, anyone who doesn't consider the needs of their partner is a bad partner.

It is perfectly possible to be a good parent and respect the needs of your partner. It isn't either or if people behave like adults.

This all goes both ways.
If your ex is phoning at all hours of the day and night "about the children", her social life is a higher priority than yours:so your plans mean shit, she's wanting him to go round to "fix a leaky tap" and "put up a shelf", she's got a key to your house to let herself in because little Timmy forgot his gym shoes, he's under pressure to spend Christmas at the old family homeetc etc. We've all seen the threads, and those are justboff the top of my head - it's not the new partner who's the unreasonable one for wanting some boundaries in place.
If you don't want any boundaries with your ex and plan to treat any new partner with contempt in the name of your child, stay single!
But they're boundaries with an ex issues, not "now you're in a relationship with me I'm going to demand you change healthy co-parenting relationships". In those situations the new partner really should be questioning whether their partner is such a good catch if they've got an enmeshed relationship with their ex partner, not doing the pick me dance.

The thing that jumps out so often is that the men in these situations are presented as being passive.

They're presented as passive when they're in amicable co-parenting relationships when it suits the new partner to be annoyed about not being number 1.

They present themselves as passive when talking to new partners (hence all the i only do this for an easy life... If I didn't {insert something that's more than EOW} then ex would be awful talk).

They get presented as helpless piggy in the middle who has an awful job juggling the children they've had with various partners.

They're presented as being passive because they're stuck between their new partner and their ex.

It suits a certain type of person to always be the passive victim of circumstance.

Not saying that all happy co-parenting relationship aren't beneficial for everyone but often when a new partner comes in and is seen to want to make changes to the "happy" co-parenting relationship, it's because it wasn't actually working for both parents and often the dad was just tolerating things for an easy life.

Nah..it's the new partner who doesn't like it.

I believe that if you enter a relationship and don't like what your see, in terms of the coparent relationship, then just leave.

Instead... the amount of times that I see things like... his boundaries with his ex are terrible

What that means, is the new partner doesn't like it. Instead she wants to dictate rules for his he should communicate. It would make more sense, to move on.

I don't know if it's a case of thinking they can't find anyone else that keeps them there.

All too often, the problems you see in the first few months don't change for the better..yet time and time again, women choose to stay in these relationships..and all of a sudden, their pregnant...despite all the complaining about the ex and the stepchildren.

It's tiresome to have to manage all these feelings, when your just trying to be a good dad.

I guess it all depends what you mean by "happy/healthy co-parenting relationship" and how disrespectfully you expect to be able to treat your partner in order to maintain it.
I don't think all these women would be so upset if the relationships really were healthy/happy.. very few people are going to post and say how upset they are that everyone is getting along.
And no, not all problems helpfully present themselves in the first few months when it's easy to walk away without expecting your partner to work on things. It seems to me that a common pattern is the more serious/permanent the relationship becomes, the more likely an ex is going to want to proverbially piss on his leg and yank his chain to make sure he will still jump to attention when a new baby is born or when he's remarried etc.
Poor man.

keeping them happy ?

Women aren’t toddlers OP, and no one is all that concerned with keeping other adults happy - so you couldn’t feel sorry for anyone on that count.

I actually think it's just paranoia in a lot of cases.

The ex messages something about the kids and the new partner is paranoid and insecure and assigns meaning to it that the ex is just looking for attention all the time or trying to ruin the relationship or something extreme like that when it's not the case at all.

Or maybe she dares to ask him to do some small bit of DIY or something and the new partner has an extreme overreaction to it and again assigns meaning to it that the ex is just trying to prove to herself that she can make him come running and she's trying to piss off the new partner and come between them.

Really maybe she's just asking because he's coming over to collect the kids so it would be convenient, or maybe she's broke or maybe she knows he fixed that tap before!!

No I don't feel sorry for the dads really. So much drama and bad feeling comes from a man not wanting to rock the boat with the ex despite wanting to move on in a new relationship.

There is a difference between doing what's right by your children and just wanting an easy life with your ex, and many of them try to conflate the two, causing upset.

I believe that if you enter a relationship and don't like what your see, in terms of the coparent relationship, then just leave.

Instead... the amount of times that I see things like...his boundaries with his ex are terrible

What that means, is the new partner doesn't like it. Instead she wants to dictate rules for his he should communicate. It would make more sense, to move on.

I do think there is an element of truth in this, but would also say that often this is because the relationship between the exes is not one that is appropriate when someone is in a new relationship. Of course the new partner can walk away rather than ask for changes, but the other partner sometimes needs to acknowledge that they're not truly available for a new relationship if they're unwilling to unmesh themselves from their ex.

It can be really hard to actually see the dysfunctional coparent relationship until you’ve committed to living together.

Sometimes men seem to decide that they no longer need to say no to their ex because the new partner now lives with them. Previously they’d have been cancelling dates (and probably missing out on sex) to accommodate their ex. So they said no. Now they decide the path of least resistance with an ex is tyre best plan.

especially if the ex responds to the new circumstances by seeking to assert her importance. This can happen.

Or some men decide they’ve got a live in babysitter who can just loook after the kids even though he’s out. Previously they’ve said no because they’d rather golf. But now they can golf and play magnanimous coparent (because there a woman at home to insist that she signed up to being his babysitter with no discussion).

And with all changes - especially ones involving kids - people tend to make allowances. They assume it’s temporary teething problems rather than what things will be like long term. And they don’t anticipate that their partner will essentially gaslight them when they try to set totally reasonable boundaries (like ‘I will not just look after the kids from 3 today because their mum wants to drop them early and you’ve said yes because I’m WFH’, for example).

@VinegarTrio

Or some men decide they’ve got a live in babysitter who can just loook after the kids even though he’s out. Previously they’ve said no because they’d rather golf. But now they can golf and play magnanimous coparent (because there a woman at home to insist that she signed up to being his babysitter with no discussion).

That's not an example of a dysfunctional co-parenting relationship between the dad and the ex though.
That's a relationship issue between the dad and the new partner and him taking the piss and being an asshole. It's nothing to do with the ex.

It can be both.

He’s got an opportunity so he decides he can just say yes to the ex (because it doesn’t impact him negatively). And the ex can respond to him moving in with a new partner by becoming more difficult and demanding (to prove her kids come first for him). And he can just say yes and still do what he wants.

The big issue in almost all cases is him though.

RedDuffle · Today 16:59

No I don't feel sorry for the dads really. So much drama and bad feeling comes from a man not wanting to rock the boat with the ex despite wanting to move on in a new relationship.

So true @RedDuffle I may have had the title of ‘wife’ but his ex was in charge