Does anyone feel sorry for dads / husbands of blended families trying to keep everyone happy?

[Zonic]

Originally posted this as a question in another thread . Looking at this from dads and husbands point of view it must sometimes be hard to know what the right thing to do is and a nightmare keeping both the current and the ex happy plus all the kids too . Their loyalties must be torn where the children are concerned.

I think that men should think long and hard about whether they are really able to commit financially, emotionally etc to another family. His existing children, their happiness should be his priory. I doubt many men see it like that; they are so good at prioritising themselves.

@yesmen I'm a child of divorced parents who's dad left my mum for someone else. My mums bitterness caused far more emotional damage to me than the divorce itself. She tried to alienate me from my dad so I would hate him aa a punishment for him.

I would suggest that you pause a moment and reflect on how that felt for me, no matter where or how you started on the relationship spectrum.

I'm a dad with an extended family. My wife had 5 kids from her first marriage and when we got together two of them came with her, whilst the three older ones chose to stay with their dad. We also have one child together. The split of the children between their mum and dad was not something I tried to influence, other than making it very clear to my wife that I would support her and their choices without question.

At no point did I expect or want anyone to feel sorry for me and I would find the notion patronising. I'm a fully grown adult and knew the commitment I was taking on. To be clear on that, the most important commitment I was making was to the children involved, because they are far more important and vulnerable than the adults. When determining if I could make this relationship work, I boiled it down to a simple case of me having to put the children first, my wife second and myself third. I believe I followed through on that and I have very healthy relationships with all the children who are now grown adults with kids of their own.

I'm sharing this not to blow my own trumpet or seek praise. I just did the job I had applied for and I've enjoyed every minute of it. Consider my approach as a basic benchmark. I read too many stories of failed or failing relationships on here where it boils down to one partner (99% of the time the man) thinking their wants take priority over the needs of their family. I don't believe those men people who fall well below par are hard to spot. I think their partners often choose not to see the selfishness that is right in front of them and make excuses for it.

I think some people are looking at this wrong. OH's generally don't put the Ex's happiness first, they are choosing their children but to ensure their kids are happy they need to be able to see them and like it or not, some women use kids as weapons. And in some cases, men are simply choosing the quieter life. Naturally, men don't like confrontation and us women can have a tendency to keep going on. They think differently from us, usually more on a surface level and in the here and now whereas us women analyse a lot more, probably more than needed.

My OH has been a victim of domestic abuse by his ex (SD's Mum). Nothing physical but mental and emotional, along with threats of not seeing his child. She has used their DD as a reward and punishment system for years. To the point that when she doesn't want her, she'll just message and say DD wants to come to yours. His instinct is to scoop her up as quickly as possible. We sometimes disagree as I believe it is important for SD to have stability and structure and be respectful of everyone's routines - SD understands she can't always change her mind on a whim as to where she goes. I also think it's important for her to have time with her Mum and our time together. However, regardless of me agreeing or not I always put my point across and tell him it is ultimately his decision and I will support him fully, even if I don't agree with it. He doesn't need to feel like he's letting me down just for wanting to see his child.

I've seen so many male friends (really good and present Dads) get access to their kids only when the ex allows so they will always have to comply. And I've seen so many female friends play the Dads as they see fit. There's a reason why suicide in separated Dads is high I'm afraid to say.

Of course, there are good and bad in all but more people need to look inwards and see what they can do to make the situation easier because if you use your kids as weapons, one day the ammunition will run out.

Excellent post. The outcomes you have achieved speak for themselves.

Love this post. It just goes to show that blended families can work if people are not selfish and it is possible to manage a romantic relationship and looking after children.

People who struggle with this usually have their priorities all wrong.

Love this post. It just goes to show that blended families can work if people are not selfish and it is possible to manage a romantic relationship and looking after children.

Of course it is possible!
I always find it weird when people comment "this just shows that blended families don't work" ignoring the fact that the blended families exists because two nuclear families have failed.

You rarely hear of men stopping access to the mother, it's always the mum trying to control the dad by refusing access.

You only have to have a quick glance on MN to see there are a whole load of deadbeats dad's out there. Even the ones still married to the kids mum are pretty useless. But there's also a load of good dad's out there in loads of debt due to custody battles because their ex is using the kids a weapons. They can be thousands in debt, having to pay full maintenance because the ex won't let them see their kids and eventually the money runs out without custody being sorted. Like you say, it's no wonder the suicide rate is so high.

We have my DSD 50% (on paper) but her mum often asks us to have her extra days. Generally we will say yes as we'd rather DSD was with us than left with some random relative. However, my DH has always checked with me if we have something on before agreeing to have her. If we had a date night scheduled or whatever then the ex would be told no.

My DSS moved in with us fulltime a few months ago. Again, this was something DH and I discussed and I fully supported. DSS is now 17 and working so we also discussed expectations for him living here.

My DH appreciates that although the kids are a priority, he must prioritise his marriage too. I do a lot for my family, I do most of the school runs, take DSD to her hobbies and arrange playdates. I'm happy to do this because I feel appreciated and listened to in my home. There's a lot of posts on the step-parenting board where SMs are pulling back because they feel taken for granted and like they're being treated like a free nanny and housekeeper.

Ultimately, kids will grow up and fly the nest so if you haven't made the effort to nourish your marriage it's only a matter of time before that falls apart. So yes, while kids should be a priority, so should the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with long after the kids have moved on.

I think people have this view due to the volume of negative stories on places like MN. But that's because people generally only post when there's a problem. There are loads of happy blended families out there, they're just not as obvious because they're not posting about it and asking for help.

But like you say, there's also a tonne of unhappy nuclear families but no one seems to take as much notice of them. It's always the blended families who are criticised.

No

overextending himself in terms of finances, space, time, and mental resources is entirely a problem of his own making.

Undoutedly, divorce and it's aftermath will be handled very well, very badly, and everything in between.

I am so sorry that your mum reacted this way and left such a sad shadow over your life.

The main point of my post was that the damage to children should give us all pause. Exactly as you are saying.

This is a truly appalling attitude. Sadly quite a common one, but dreadful
nonetheless.

Any younger child or children is still a child who exists and just as important the children from a first marriage. The older child(ren) should not come before their younger (half)sibling(s).

If a man chooses to have another child, he needs to ensure that he treats all his children fairly.

Seriously? shouldn’t all the children be treated equally?

It is usually the new wife and her kids who usually end up getting everything

This may be what you assume is happening. But read some more stepparenting threads and you’ll find out it’s not. or if it is, it’s because the ‘new wife’ is paying for everything (and may well have provided the house).

There’s a poster on this very thread who (in outlining how well her blended family works) describes how her and her husband have explicitly chosen to have their children go without ‘basic’ things so that his older children have money put into savings and go to clubs. 🤯

Ultimately, kids will grow up and fly the nest so if you haven't made the effort to nourish your marriage it's only a matter of time before that falls apart. So yes, while kids should be a priority, so should the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with long after the kids have moved on.

That's an excellent point that a lot of people forget.

VinegarTrio · Today 19:32

MamaAlwaysknowsbest · Today 19:28

It is usually the new wife and her kids who usually end up getting everything

This may be what you assume is happening. But read some more stepparenting threads and you’ll find out it’s not. or if it is, it’s because the ‘new wife’ is paying for everything (and may well have provided the house).

There’s a poster on this very thread who (in outlining how well her blended family works) describes how her and her husband have explicitly chosen to have their children go without ‘basic’ things so that his older children have money put into savings and go to clubs. 🤯

………..

I saw that thread. In a together family, if a new baby comes along, everyone simply gets a smaller slice of the pie. But in some separated families, there’s this strange idea that any funds/arrangements for the first children are somehow ring-fenced and can never change no matter what happens further down the line.

it’s unrealistic and can be very unfair.

I do feel sorry for my DH yes. I give him a hard time sometimes but he has to walk a very fine line in dealing with a high conflict ex-wife and keeping a happy wife (me) at home. He tries his best, he falls short sometimes, probably on both sides, but I know he is trying his best.

Yup. I mean, how many posts have there been similar to "DH can't afford to pay for all of his kids to go on holiday and refuses to come with me and our child without his other kids. Other kids get a holiday with their mum so is it fair that my child isn't allowed one?".

Or "I want to take my toddler on a toddler friendly holiday/trip during school term time when it's cheaper but DH says it's unfair to go without teenage stepkids and thinks we should pay treble to costs so we can go during the school holidays".

"DH says it's unfair to do things with our child on the weekends we don't have his other kids so every other weekend we're stuck at home doing nothing".

I think in many cases the dad shouldn't be having more children - he chooses to even though he can't afford to. I think it's often a really selfish decision both in terms of money and time.

I never dated anyone who wanted more children. I think it's a thankless position to be in - a stepmother - and I think not fair on the first children either as (as is stated in this thread) the stepmother rarely loves the stepkids and often resents them.

Tbh it seems like hell for everyone involved. I genuinely couldn’t imagine having to co parent with an ex all whilst having a current partner too and make sure things are okay. It sounds stressful as fuck especially when people lack boundaries

Blended family = divorced man wants adult company and someone to help with the housework and driving while he has his kids but if you request polite respectful behaviour from his kids you ‘hate them’ and are branded the grand mayoress of judgementalville. Been there. Meh.

Most pregnancies are planned. When people cannot afford more children, they choose not to have them. It shouldn’t really matter whether the parents are separated or not.

If a man has financial commitments to his children and cannot afford more children, then he needs to choose any future partners on that basis. It’s not fair to anyone involved when they create second families that they cannot afford.

Cake and eat it springs to mind.

Money, rather lack of them, is always at the root of the problems and resentment. Don’t you know it by now?
As to poor Dads who are trying so hard to keep blended family happy when they themselves have nothing to do with the break whatsoever… I haven’t meet them so far and I’m not very young. I mostly met mothers who were left with a lot of mental, physical and financial problems after break up and with enormous burden of day to day responsibility for their kids.