Does anyone feel sorry for dads / husbands of blended families trying to keep everyone happy?

[Zonic]

Originally posted this as a question in another thread . Looking at this from dads and husbands point of view it must sometimes be hard to know what the right thing to do is and a nightmare keeping both the current and the ex happy plus all the kids too . Their loyalties must be torn where the children are concerned.

A person choosing to have a second family surely knows that there will be difficult situations to navigate. It’s a choice they made, male or female.

No lol.

I know most of them regret it and wish they had made it work with their first family but they're adults, they made their bed.

I feel sorry for stepfathers who step up financially and emotionally and get little recognition. I also feel sorry for the children who are at the mercy of deadbeat fathers.

I know most of them regret it and wish they had made it work with their first family but they're adults, they made their bed.

Good Lord. It's rarely about regret. I don't know a man with an ex-wife who wishes he was still with her. My own ex-husband included. When you've been through a divorce you rarely look back and wish things were different, by that point you're thanking the heavens that you're out of it. That's just something that is spouted to make first wives feel better.

I have male friends who express regret about a serious relationship/ marriage not working out. One of them has been married to his second wife for 15 years and told me he still thinks about his ex and how he wishes it had worked out with her. He’s not unhappy but some men obviously do think what if…

I've read a lot of funny things on this step parenting board from people who obviously don't have a clue, but this post most definitely tops it all lol

I've heard of lots of situations where yes, I do feel sorry for the Dads.

Lots where I feel sorry for the first wife and lots where I feel sorry for the second wife.

Also plenty where I feel sorry for the kids.

It's complex. in an ideal world we'd all stay with the first partner we have children with but this isn't often possible, DV/affairs/serious incompatibility issues/addiction etc can all make for a miserable marriage and unhappy environment for DC to be brought into.

Instead of pointing fingers at one particular group eg.feckless fathers/bitter exes/wicked stepmums we'd do much better as a society to see it's hard on EVERYONE and to provide more empathy, resources and less judgement on anyone who's in a stepfamily situation.

It's hard on everyone! x

I'm confused as to why you think I don't have a clue?

The poster directly above said the same as me.

It sounds like I touched a nerve and possibly you are insecure about your own situation. Your reaction speaks volumes really. It was an observation based on my own experience and obviously others. I'm sorry if it made you feel uncomfortable.

I have male friends who express regret about a serious relationship/ marriage not working out. One of them has been married to his second wife for 15 years and told me he still thinks about his ex and how he wishes it had worked out with her. He’s not unhappy but some men obviously do think what if…

Thats really sad (and probably not confined to men)

@PinkEasterbunny You have misunderstood me, I mean the original child should come before the choice to have a new partner and baby. Of course all children involved should be treated equally.

👏

Best post on here.

Generally no.

I also have the complete opposite view of most SP on this board about first families v second.

My husband is one of few men we know who has maintained a good relationship with his son as he grew up. Regular contact and very involved in his life. As an adult he chooses to spend more time with us than his other side of the family.

Most other men I know including dd dad has gradually prioitised the new partner/their kids/new kids. Generally I find alot of men prioitise who ever is sharing their bed. I also find with most other SMs I know the kids from the dad's side are treated as if they are as a result of an affair. Women tend to associate kids with their mothers and issues around competitiveness/jealousy and insecurity filter through to the fathers relationships with their kids. Men seem too be better in my opinion of not making such a strong emotional connection with existing kids.

Dd & SS have both had much harder childhoods than our joint kids.

Two sets of Christmas presents doesn't make up for the challenges of being part of blended families.

Our kids haven't experienced switching and swapping homes. Sometimes to places their presence is not wanted. Adapting to step parents/step siblings all the extended family that comes with. Disjointed parenting between homes. The list is endless.

People trot out all the time that it's incredibly damaging to stay in a relationship for the kids and all the harm it does.

Personally I think people should be really examining the damage being done to children when they priotise their desire for a romantic relationship, at the expense of their children's childhood.

Out of all the blended families I know there is only one other I would be happy being a part of with my kids.

The rest are honest to god toxic messes and some of the adults involved are inheritly selfish and the non resident kids most definitely aren't benefiting from being part of them.

This is an interesting point and I expect a lot of men regret not trying harder the first time round.

It's like they don't get it, until the 2nd or 3rd marriage, then they do.

I agree.

I worry about my DH, he has children with me and one with his ex. I know he carries the burden of financing two homes - he doesn’t to see his eldest go without, he also wants to support me so I can support and be present for our children. I do work but I also want to be able to take care of the kids. His ex doesn’t work and he always expected that she’d go back to work and start supporting herself.

He is torn in all directions. I do feel sorry for him.

He’s made his own choices but like many of us I dont think he foresaw all the outcomes.

This 🙌🏻

One thing that frustrates me about this thread is that it is so incongruent with the constant encouragement to LTB elsewhere on Mumsnet.

Yes there can be a lot wrong with blending families but I am glad my children have a step mother she is far more.sensible than their dad!

Totally agree.

And we shouldnt pretend nuclear families are all perfect because I can think of many horrific ones (and I live in a nice MC area and grew up in a similar area). There are plenty of narcissistic/ controlling /nasty parents in "normal" families too. And my daughter's best friend is a single mum and the way she talks to her daughter makes my blood run cold, so single parents aren't inherently better than a blended arrangement either.

If he thinks it's his job to keep his ex happy, he's doing something wrong.

In what way is he a doormat by looking after his own kids? And please, tell me about all this test he needs.

I used to hear this all the time from my partner. He was piggy in the middle trying to keep everyone happy, apparently.

He wasn't. He was trying to keep himself happy and him and his ex wife would constantly throw "think of the kids" at each other.

The kids couldn't take possessions between homes because their parents didn't want to be inconvenienced.

He didn't want to risk upsetting the ex wife when she constantly palmed the kids off onto us.

He argued and fought with her when she wouldn't give in to his demands to have them extra. Quite happy to upset her when it suited him.

Coudn't even have the decency to let me know that I would need to shop, wash and cook for his 4 kids when I got home from work as he "forgot" to tell me. If I dared complain, I wasn't "thinking of the kids". I don't recall him doing any of the donkey work though!

So, no, in my situation he wasn't "trying to please everyone" he was only trying to please himself.

I hope he's an ex partner now.

That's a joke. I know I certainly wouldn't still be with my DH is I did any of that stuff. His ex and her happiness is the very bottom of his priorities.

My DH discusses all schedule changes with me and will absolutely tell his ex "no" if we have plans or taking the kids extra days doesn't suit us. It's never about the kids it's always about her getting to do what she wants.

It's true what you say, those who cry "think of the kids" are usually actually being selfish and just not getting their own way. It's usually because their precious kids are inconveniencing them in some way and rather than admit that they make it the other parents fault.

People who can't be considerate of their partner while simultaneously being good parents should just stay single.

How is it incongruous with encouragement to LTB…..?

You dont have to go from one man to the next?

You can leave one man, without getting together with another and blending families….?

I do feel sorry for them.

Trying to keep everyone happy. Current partner, ex and their kids.

A lot of demands placed on them and they're often stuck in the middle of women with insecurities.

God, you make it sound like the fairies flew in while the men were sleeping and just dropped them into these messes.

@Boomboomshakeshaketheroom

Every situation is different of course
..but I'm referring to situations with adults who are somewhat reasonable.

I see situations where the coparent relationship was good until the new partner comes along... and is so jealous/insecure that our causes issues.

The man is at the centre of it. Then he may have his new partner complaining about his kids and wanting to be the number 1 priority.