Does anyone feel sorry for dads / husbands of blended families trying to keep everyone happy?

[Zonic]

Originally posted this as a question in another thread . Looking at this from dads and husbands point of view it must sometimes be hard to know what the right thing to do is and a nightmare keeping both the current and the ex happy plus all the kids too . Their loyalties must be torn where the children are concerned.

At which point, he could re-evaluate his choice of 'new partner'.

You are all over this board mixing up "women with boundaries/standards" for "women with insecurities".
If a man does not want a new partner to be a priority (emphasise "a" priority, not "the" priority)or have a mind or needs of her own then he should stay single and pander to his ex until the end of time without bothering anyone else. That goes for women too, actually.

Yes.

The problem in so many of these cases is that the parent decided they wanted a relationship and feels entitled to treat any new partner as a third class citizen.

These people should stay single.

Often when the co-parenting relationship is "good" it's because there's a lack of boundaries and dad is just dancing to his ex's tune. Dropping plans to have the kids because she asks, going round to her house because "it's good for the kids". The a new partner comes in and rightly gets pissed off that their dates are constantly cancelled because the ex has last minute plans or dad is spending time round at the exs house.

Of course there are some new partners who just don't like the idea of him having kids but a lot of the time it's not the kids that are the problem it's the constant pandering to the ex.

It’s also ridiculous to blame the woman for a man changing his behaviour.

He is responsible for his own behaviour. If he changes because he’s in a new relationship, that’s on him.

But let’s just blame those nasty ‘insecure’ women.

NOPE I never feel sorry for them. They are functioning adults who can reason and think for themselves. They just choose not to as it's too much like hard work and they expect everyone to fall in line.

I will never get my head round the amount of men who would rather keep the ex happy, even if it means seriously p*ssing off the new wife. Odd.

Of course there are some new partners who just don't like the idea of him having kids

Yes. There is A LOT of this.

Common words from SM

I wish DH/DP didn't have any kids

I dread the SC coming over

I hate that he had kids with his Ex

I resent the amount of child support he pays her

I prefer it when it's just me, DH and our kids

People who think this way, should NEVER have gotten into a relationship with a man with kids.

but a lot of the time it's not the kids that are the problem it's the constant pandering to the ex.

If anyone feels there is pandering.. then leave. What the coparents had worked for them.... and to much insecurity just causes friction.

This man is always going to have contact with his ex. If that doesn't sit well with you, that's okay..leave, instead of making demands like,

Text only communication
No calls after X o'clock
No conversation that's not about the kids.
She shouldn't be in contact with MIL or SIL.

This is all just too controlling. I see it time and time again.

The man may agree, but often will communicate behind your back and hide stuff from you... to keep the peace.

@SandyY2K

You seem to be forgetting that an awful lot of stepmums are in fact, themselves coparenting with an ex. So observations around issues like pandering, are likely to be valid and worthy of pointing out.

You’re also ignoring all the context for the statements.

I dread my SC coming over because their father refuses to exercise any parental authority and allows the children to [insert descriptions of behaviour pretty much anyone would object to].

I resent my H choosing to pay additional maintenance because he doesn’t contribute financially to our household and expects me to pay all the living expenses for us and our child.

Usually there is a context and it’s usually a DH problem.

But you are going to view it as a terrible women problem regardless.

Yes to what Vinegar said.
Of course we have all seen the threads where the SM is undoubtedly a Gold Standard arsehole. 9/10 though the problem isn't the kids. They are just kids. Many SM actually like or even love their DSC while simultaneously being in despair about some ridiculous demands from ex or expectation from their partner.

The thread title is Does anyone feel sorry for dads / husbands of blended families trying to keep everyone happy?

I've said yes, because for the reasons given.

Far too many SMs (not all) simply resent the existence of his kids. The reasons may vary, but the result is the same. I wouldn't be with a man, when I don't like his kids and dread them coming over.

You have ample time to see if the man doesn't have good boundaries with his ex, before getting married and going on to have kids.

The stepfamily situation comes with unique challenges, that don't occur in nuclear families and its not for everyone. You have to see whether your parenting styles align, before further commitment and if they don't..it's best to leave, not continue to become resentful.

The man is at the centre of it all and it can be difficult for him, when your wife is constantly complaining about your kids or your Ex.

Of course, there are very good SMs,
some who care more about the kids than the dad.. and you need to look out for the dad who just want a replacement mum for his kids. No need getting with a man like that and complaining. SMs wanting to erase his past... that just isn't reasonable.

A lot of SMs of up with crap, by having parental responsibilities dumped on them..BUT, going back to the original question..I do feel sorry for some dads/men/husbands, in this situation. Not the lazy poor parents.

I've been with DH for ten years. Like MN threads, things change and evolve, different factors interact.
Just because a SM is currently in a "down" doesn't mean when she got in the relationship that's what it looked like.
If she's a few months in and the Dad is expecting full nanny service then she's a fool to continue. A few years and babies later, things are harder.

How do men tend to get the shit end of the deal? If they've had enough time to go out, socialize and meet a new gf they are likely way ahead of the first childrens mother!

I wish my ex would make some effort to keep me happy though - he puts himself under no pressure at all to do so!

Me too. I’d say the first 3-4 years were great. Then the exW met, married and had more kids with a drug addict/alcoholic and my DSS turned into a troubled, aggressive and volatile young boy.

Things evolve, things change.

I feel like there are undercurrents of mum vs dads and step mums vs mums on this thread. Surely this attitude is what causes problems in the first place. Wouldn't it be better for all concerned to come from a place of trying to work together rather than arguing about who has it harder?

I agree men do get the shit end all the time on here.
I think its because women cant do wrong and never wrong even if they are wrong.
Some men are just dead beats but not all of them.

I agree as a man everything you do/say is examined and turned inside out for double meanings or traces of sexism. If a woman does anything it’s excused away, assumed she meant well and probably has autism/adhd/depression or has experienced trauma

That's definitely true on here.
If you see the kids EOW and a night in the week, you're a piss poor parent, a deadbeat and no woman should be able to stomach being with you.
If you have 50/50, you just wanted to hurt and cheat the mother out of maintenance and probably still don't do and pay for nearly as much as she does anyway.
When it comes to contact, after many years on MN, I still have no idea how a man could "win".

I can relate to this so much & its exactly what my DP is going through at the moment...

He has been divorced now for 5 years & has DSD who's 10 EOW (Fri-Tues) plus every Monday, 2 weeks of summer hols (she goes to a 2 week camp also), half of Easter hols & 1 of the HT's...it equates roughly to 5 in 14 nights. He would love to have her 50/50 but due to his shift work it's just never been an option as he works a lot of evenings and this was a job he's had since 16....yet his ex constantly slates him at every chance she gets to his friends, work colleagues/acquaintances, and has just starting making tiktoks about him being a 'dead beat dad' so I've been told.

He pays £500 a month plus extra for uniform/clubs, takes her on a nice summer hol every year, attends as many school events as he can, and provides a yearly contact schedule to his ex but it's still not good enough. I literally have no idea what more she expects of him but I've come to the conclusion he will never be good enough as it's easier for her to taint him in this way in her head.... I have to admit it really does gripe on me though!

It's this whole attitude that when he parents the kids from the first relationship that he's 'keeping the ex happy' that is problematic.

He's normally just minding his own kids or picking them up or doing something related to his parental responsibility, it shouldn't be seen as him doing anything to keep the ex happy or like he's doing her a favour. 🤔

Nah, normally the reason the EOW and one night in the week dad is called a deadbeat etc. is because if the ex asks him to take the kids any extra days etc. she's accused by a cohort on here of taking the piss etc and asking too much of him.

It's when the EOW and one night a week dad who always says he'd "love to have them 50/50 or full time if he could" and "lives for his kids" thinks that his responsibility to the kids should strictly fall on those days that he gets slated 😂

I don't think EOW and one night a week is great by any means, but it's fine as long as he also remains flexible in other ways and actually gets involved in other parenting duties when needed.

It's almost never as simple as that.
My DH got cut down to EOW then ex slated him for hardly seeing their child! It was literally the schedule she demanded, which he pushed back on and ended up having to sort via lawyers and a CAO.
The "keeping the ex happy element" is usually when it fucks up everyone else's plans. Ex once kicked up so much shit because she wanted a last minute change to go out and DH and I already had plans. If we hadn't, he would have taken DSD no problem. No doubt he was the scum of the earth for not messing me around.

My ex’s new girlfriend says stuff like this. Says I’m a ‘bitter birth mother’ who needs to manage her time better. This was because I called ex to see if he would take the kids for a few hours on my weekend. I’d never normally ask but my dad was dying and we’d gotten the call to go to the hospital asap. And her response was to feed the kids a load of tripe like the above and telling them stuff like ‘your mums no good’. He did actually pass that day so her behaviour was incredibly distressing.

I didn’t force their dad to have the kids like, there was no gun held to his head. He could’ve said no but he didn’t. She needs to take that up with him, not with our kids.

But of course when I complain about her behaviour I’m the problem, by virtue of being the ex and the mother. Bizarre.

It's not that when he parents the kids he's doing it to keep the ex happy, of course both parents should be seeing their kids because they are responsible for them and because they want to spend time with them.

It's when he drops everything, cancels plans with his partner because his the ex decided on whim she needs him to have the kids because she has plans. Or dad's who won't fight for more time with his kids because the ex will "kick off". Too many men just allow their ex to dominate and dictate when he's "allowed" to see the kids for an easy life. It paints the picture that the mum is the main parent, the kids are hers and she gets to tell dad if and when he can see them.