I can’t stand my DSC

[holywow]

I already know how this is going to go but i need to know how to unpick my feelings or change how I feel before it gets worse.
I will try not to harp on with myself but I just can’t bare my DSS any longer. He verging on probably the most irritating person I’ve ever met and I can’t work out how it’s come to this. It’s at the point where I am considering ending my marriage because I can’t bare to see him on a weekly basis any longer and I hate myself for feeling this way towards an 8 year old boy and worried about the damage that’s it’s going to do or already doing to him and the relationship between him and dh. The dread and anxiety that I feel as the weekend approaches is getting worse and worse. This started around the end of my pregnancy with my own DS (3yo) and has got gradually worse up till this point.

I’m so fed up of our home being chilled and calm during the week but then pandemonium every weekend when he arrives.
Im sick of the pity party for him off dh and his family.
Im sick of having to ask DSS mum permission every single time we want to book something like an abroad holiday or a few days break and then the arsing around choosing dates that she agrees to when I just simply want to book a holiday for my family and for my own ds to enjoy.
I hate hearing ‘daddy can I have can I have can I have’ all weekend.
I hate that I try my best to parent my 3 year old a certain way then all my hard work coming undone at the weekend when DSS arrives.
i hate that my 3 year old can’t play with his toys in peace instead of being teased and wound up by an older child who isn’t here during the week.
I can’t stand that every single Friday and Saturday night, without fail, we’re woken several times a night because DSS wants dh to get in his bed.
I resent how I want another baby so badly but they won’t get their own bedroom and will have to share with DS as DSS absolutely has to have his very own bedroom at our house even though he has his own bedroom at his mums.

I resent absolutely everything and I don’t know how to stop it. I never used to be like this before my own child was born!!

There is NO WAY the child doesn't know that he's not wanted in, seemingly both, of his homes. The op is virtually spitting with venom in every post that she makes. That can't be hidden. I expect if her ds punched her dss in the face, it would be the dss fault for getting his face in the way of her ds practicing his boxing.

the dad only seeing his ds at the weekend ISNT too much

I agree. I'm absolutely boggled by posters who think a father seeing both his children every weekend is wrong.

Maybe she should just be honest and say it's not you it's your mum she's an arse

No, no, no. You don't bitch to a child about their parent. How inappropriate and will also make them feel bad.

From my experience, if they really, truly can't deny that the child knows they're hated, they tell themselves instead that the child isn't affected by it because robust constitution/knows they don't mean it/acts just fine (read: pleasing to the adults, as some PPs have demonstrated).

And if the child is so obviously damaged that that can't be denied either, they find another cause for it. And if there's nothing else to blame, we are back to "situation fine, adults blameless, child faulty".

So what's the alternative then? Let the kid think their mums behaviour is appropriate? Why isn't dad calling this shit out?

"Sorry we're off on holiday and your mum won't let you come". It's the truth.

How has op upturned his life ffs?
His mother had by splitting with the dad and now keeps on dog power play to make sure op is the bad cop.

But it's the truth? The mother is an arsenal.

Fgs. It's common sense that you don't say negative things to a CHILD about their parent, whether they're an arse or not.

My daugter's dad is a PITA - I don't tell her that 🙄

The bigger truth: you don't weaponise and jeopardise a child because the grownups are fighting.

OP needs to look at herself and her husband in all this. Do people really think there's no way to resolve this other than by attacking the child's mother to his face? I assumed that post wasn't serious but now I'm really starting to wonder.

In the case of the whole holiday situation, if I was the OP's dh, I would say to the ex wife 'we're booking an holiday at X time and we want stepson to come but if you won't let him, we're going anyway'.

The OP is clearly struggling in a situation caught between a controling bitch of a mother and a useless dick of a partner. No one takes her feelings into account and is escalating to the point she is becoming unreasonable. They all need therapy. It's not fair for her to roll over just to accommodate the mother at the cost of her own mental health. Her partner needs to step up and tell the kid the truth, the mother stopped him from young on holiday, end of.

Yes. They need to just get on with life and book the holidays and if mum wants to ruin that for her own son I don't see why he shouldn't be told sorry no Disneyland or where ever for you your mum said no and dad didn't want to take it to court.

I agree but admit to doing that on here and you’re asking to be hung drawn and quartered.

So the issue is his vile ex

And if it's your partner's 'time', it's up to him, not his ex, who looks after his son

It's not biased to be concerned about a little boy who is a toxic situation.

I don’t think you can remove the OP part in all of this either, clearly having her own child changed a lot of things and for her part she has also managed it badly. Trying to stop him being picked up by his Dad when his brother was born and by changing how she feels has sadly damaged the bond between the brothers. That is as much on her as the other two.

such things as her DS will never have his own room - well no in a family of at least 3 children you wouldn’t, and the older one having his own smaller room and the younger two sharing is common with the caveat of that changing if it were a girl when they were older.

This. With bells on.

I can't get my head round this either.

His little brother was in Nicu I believe for 3 days, a very unusual situation, it should have been the dads prerogative to stay in the hospital and the kid could have spent 1 weekend in his life with the grandma. How is OP at fault the baby was in Nicu and needed extra support?

The mother sounds all sorts of unreasonable and controlling and a nasty piece of work. OP as an adult though doesn't get to blame her hatred of a little child on his mother's actions. The two people that should be absolutely cherished and protected here are the 3 year old and the 8 year old. There is so much venom in the way OP talks about her SS and she keeps trying to justify it as if there was any way to justify this. She knows her actions are harming a vulnerable child, she needs to act not make excuses. She needs to get help and support with her mental health and to actively try and fix this and as an adult if she can't atop vilifying this child in her mind then the right thing to do is to leave.

I think your DH needs to grow a backbone and you need to take a long look at your current attitude.

This is not a DSS problem it's a DH problem and a very big DSS's mum problem. It's not DSS fault.

When your DS was in NICU DH should have just said mil was coming to get DS, end of.

When you wanted to go on holiday he should say, we are going to x place, would love to have DSS with us if there's a week that suits, otherwise we can arrange weekend childcare for him if you are not able to have him on the weekend.

OP did you feel negatively about your DSS during your pregnancy or just following the hospitalisation? I wouldn't be surprised if the stress and trauma around the birth of your baby, combined with the unreasonable behaviour of DH/DSS mum has caused you to have developed this aversion to DSS. Your brain changes significantly during pregnancy and your hormones can deeply affect the way you experience things afterwards. I can understand why you feel the way you do about DSS - every fibre of your being was telling you your new baby needed protecting and it felt like others around you didnt care. The way DSS's mum spoke to your DH lacked compassion and it sounds like she has been difficult, though I do understand why she felt DH still needed to see DSS when baby was born.

All that said, you know how you're responding to DSS is not OK. It's not OK for you, his sibling, or DH, least of all DSS. He needs nurturing and compassion and then the worst of his behaviors should soften. Does he get 121 time with his dad? That might help. As a PP suggested perhaps having him during the week alternately with his mum and alternating weekends might help so you feel you have family time with DH too. I think you should get some counselling, even if you ultimately leave the relationship, to help you manage the difficult feelings that the DSS situation has brought up. I think you need to speak to DH about what's reasonable and tell him he needs to set boundaries with DXW. Absolutely fine if she's not willing to let DSS go on holiday with you but you will still all go. Finally I think you need to try to give yourself some personal time and space- do you do that? You sound overwhelmed. Give yourself permission to have a spa day or some relaxation and see if that helps ease the feelings a bit. When life is challenging we fixate on relatively small issues, taking care of yourself may help. Good luck OP!

Also DH should probably try and rearrange custody for every other weekend plus some weekdays. Current arrangement sounds a total pisstake from DSS mum especially given how inflexible she is.

'Snowdogsmitten
This thread is populated, as ever, by the first wives and partners, who will absolutely tear strips off you. '

This thread is populated, as ever, by people who actually give a shit about children and their welfare. Regardless of whether that child is your own or not.