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Step-parenting

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Original poster

8 months pregnant. Partner wants me to have nothing to do with my 2 older children

87 replies

callmerach · 19/03/2008 22:08

please no lecture just honest opinions.
Left my partner of 12 years, in new relationship with man half my age. 8 months pregnant from new relationship. He has moved in with me.
I have 2 older children who do not live with me, 19 & 17. my dp is only 18.
My relationship was strained with my 2 children initially but has improved vastly during the last 6 months and they are now neither interested or disinterested in my relationship.

Same can not be said about dp. Dp is demanding i have nothing to do with my 2 older children. He wants just me him and baby.
He is embarrassed i have a child older than him. She is pregnant and he won't even allow me to tell his family as again he is embarrassed i am to be a grandmother.

Naturally i want to be there for my children and in doing so he says i am putting him 2nd and i obviously don't love him enough.

I am sad and desperatly upset by this situation. I realise this is my own doing, but i am cross as my two children were never any secret when this guy was getting involved with me. I realised his age may make our relationship difficult but never imagined it would be due to my children who incidently i love very much even if i dont see them very often.

I am faced with an ultimatum, stay with him and build a life for my baby but lose my 2 children or tell him no i will not and cope bringing baby up on my own.
I feel bitterly let down. Does anyone have any constructive advice please ?

OP posts:
elkiedee · 19/03/2008 22:56

Tell him you love your other children and that you care about your daughter. You're having a baby with him, and I think you have to set terms. If he walks out on you that's his choice, and it will be tough for you, but if that does happen it probably would anyway, don't give up your first 2 kids and your first grandchild for him. Maybe he'll stick around, maybe he won't.

Good luck.

ara · 19/03/2008 22:57

calimerach - feisty post, you need to do some of that straight talking with your DP! What the ladies have posted is nothing compared with what your DP is saying to you imo.

madamez · 19/03/2008 22:58

A lot of men do have twattish spells when their partners are pregnant. SOme such twattish spells are awful (domestic violence frequently begins during pregnancy) some are just mild twattishness. Imminent parenthood is a shock for everyone no matter how much you wanted or planned it, and there is an argument in favour of cutting new dads-to-be a tiny bit of slack. Tell him straight, once and for all, that you will not cut any of your family out of your life for his benefit, you are not his property, and if he can't get a grip and work on becoming a happy part of an extended family, then maybe it is time he moved on.

camillathechicken · 19/03/2008 22:58

quite ,ara, we are simply holding a mirror up to his behaviour

if your friend was telling you this in Rl, callmerach,what would you be telling her?

KerryMum · 19/03/2008 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ara · 19/03/2008 23:02

nice post madamez, i wonder how the op's dp would react if she were to demand that he dropped his family?

i'd stick his lunchbox up his jacksy, peronally.

ara · 19/03/2008 23:02

personally

lou33 · 19/03/2008 23:06

if he cant cope with the fact you have 2 children already who take some of your attention, how long do you think he will stick about once he realises how time consuming new babies are?

there is a very real possibility if you cease contact with your children, that he will bugger off anyway because he isnt getting your undivided attention, and then you have lost everyone, and tbh he doesnt sound worth it

anyone who tries to make a parent choose themself or the children is a waste of air imo

leave him

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 19/03/2008 23:06

Are the private schools out already ???

Goodness me, seems like no time at all since the last incursion.

Desiderata · 19/03/2008 23:09

That's me and you in the shit again, Kerry

You wanted honest opinions, rach. We're giving them. You're shagging a bloke who's the same age as your kids.

Sorry, but that's weird. You want us to advise you on an eighteen year old's ultimatum? Your kids or him?

Come on, love. That isn't going to happen, is it.

madamez · 19/03/2008 23:11

Actually, I don't think the age of her DP is that relevant. Plenty of older men can be just as self-obsessed, whiny and demanding. And plenty of age-gap relationships work out just fine.

Quattrocento · 19/03/2008 23:11

Yes the private schools broke up today but it's not my DCs trolling, honest Bree.

LooptheLoop · 19/03/2008 23:13

Callmerach

Please be assured that I have no desire to judge.

But step back. If you think some of the comments here tonight are hard, just imagine how your two older children would react if you did make that choice and stopped seeing them??

You need to be able to live with the consequences whatever you decide.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 19/03/2008 23:16

Quattrocentro

The very thought of it.

mehdismummy · 19/03/2008 23:21

oh dear

snowleopard · 19/03/2008 23:24

Come on, some people on this thread have been sarcastic and mocking and judgypants! She's 8 months pg and in a shit situation and doesn't need it. There's a baby here, two kids who need their mum and a new grandchild-to-be as well. She did ask for constructive advice and not to be judged - she can see it's a mess.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2008 23:27

she asked for honest opinions.

so people gave them.

mine was pretty straight up.

Desiderata · 19/03/2008 23:30

Hey, mehdis

Well, I got the cream from the doc, but it's not doing that good. Not spreading, but I noticed tonight that his lips were all red again.

I'm not sure it is impetigo, tbh.

Any how, thanks for asking. You're a star.

Youcannotbeserious · 19/03/2008 23:30

I thought mine was too....

Bottom line is, this chap is 18YO. He wants to keep his own family sweet by lying to them and wants his significant other and mother of his child to disown her other children.

If he's ready to be a father, I'm Mother Bl**dy Teresa....

expatinscotland · 19/03/2008 23:31

would anyone like an elderflower cordial?

they're very tasty!

Desiderata · 19/03/2008 23:32

You're starting to make me larf on the old cordials, Expat

expatinscotland · 19/03/2008 23:35

that's nada, Desi, i scored a FREE bottle of Bouvrage, sparkling raspberry water, from the health food shop today because it was 1 day out of date and he knows me.

it was yummy!

i'd like a scan to figure out how pregnant i am.

i might even ask for one, because i already feel 40 weeks and about 400 years old .

mehdismummy · 19/03/2008 23:35

the cream did not work for us either. We eventually went on anti b which cleared it up. They also gave us a nasal spray thing that stopped it coming back. Apparently the virus can live in the nose. Poor lo. Hope he gets over it soon

Desiderata · 19/03/2008 23:37

You're not as old as me, kid. There's always someone worse off

Desiderata · 19/03/2008 23:39

Thanks, Mehdi.

It's not spreading, but it's in such a moist area of the face (right by the lip) that I'm not really surprised it isn't going away.

I shall book another appointment on your advice.

Sleep tight, gorgeous girl!