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Step-parenting

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Original poster

8 months pregnant. Partner wants me to have nothing to do with my 2 older children

87 replies

callmerach · 19/03/2008 22:08

please no lecture just honest opinions.
Left my partner of 12 years, in new relationship with man half my age. 8 months pregnant from new relationship. He has moved in with me.
I have 2 older children who do not live with me, 19 & 17. my dp is only 18.
My relationship was strained with my 2 children initially but has improved vastly during the last 6 months and they are now neither interested or disinterested in my relationship.

Same can not be said about dp. Dp is demanding i have nothing to do with my 2 older children. He wants just me him and baby.
He is embarrassed i have a child older than him. She is pregnant and he won't even allow me to tell his family as again he is embarrassed i am to be a grandmother.

Naturally i want to be there for my children and in doing so he says i am putting him 2nd and i obviously don't love him enough.

I am sad and desperatly upset by this situation. I realise this is my own doing, but i am cross as my two children were never any secret when this guy was getting involved with me. I realised his age may make our relationship difficult but never imagined it would be due to my children who incidently i love very much even if i dont see them very often.

I am faced with an ultimatum, stay with him and build a life for my baby but lose my 2 children or tell him no i will not and cope bringing baby up on my own.
I feel bitterly let down. Does anyone have any constructive advice please ?

OP posts:
LuXander · 19/03/2008 22:21

If I was in your position, I would not want to lose my children, even if it meant being a single parent.
All your children are important and your daughter is going to need her Mum if she is expecting a baby.
If it is any consolation, being a single parent is not all bad
Good Luck, whatever you decide x x

Original poster
callmerach · 19/03/2008 22:28

Thank you all for your replies. You only go to reassure me that i am not going mad.
I agree he is being selfish, and i will now print and pack all of these comments off to be included in his work lunch box tomorrow for him to read.
Wannabe you are quite right but i am not here to discuss the rights or wrongs of choices i made but rather the choices that face me now. I have changed my ID as i am a regular poster on other areas of mumsnet.
Thank you once again, i was not expecting such a quick response.

OP posts:
LedodgyCheapEasterEggsAreASin · 19/03/2008 22:32

You make him a work lunchbox in which you are placing a note? Is it a Sporticus one? Words fail me!

Nemoandthefishes · 19/03/2008 22:34

at times like this I think a zip on the mouth would be the best option

camillathechicken · 19/03/2008 22:34

i think he is unlikely to read it !

you need a face to face talk

or if i was you,i;d be packing his stuff and taking it back to his parent's house as he is clearly not old enough to be a father

Desiderata · 19/03/2008 22:37

ROFL! You're 36+ and shacking up with a boy of eighteen. How very fecking weird for your kids.

He doesn't need to grow up love, you do.

KerryMum · 19/03/2008 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nemoandthefishes · 19/03/2008 22:39

thank feck for that Desi..I couldnt get the zip open

camillathechicken · 19/03/2008 22:40

i never much liked 18 year old lads when i was 18 myself, i cannot see the attraction to them now i am in my (early) 30s

still, chacun a son gout

but, tbh, i would move on swiftly.. can you imagine him at the birth, holding your hand, rubbing your back, holding your hair back whilst you throw up.. or will he be on his gameboy whining it is taking too long...

CrushWithEyeliner · 19/03/2008 22:40

you. are . kidding right?

CrushWithEyeliner · 19/03/2008 22:42

just seen the lunch box comment - this is a wind up surely?

pedilia · 19/03/2008 22:45

This can't possibly be for real

BoysOnToast · 19/03/2008 22:46

turn the ultimatum on its head.

tell him he has to grow up and accept that you will always have a relationship with your children, all of them. ask him how he'd feel if you turned your back on his child simply to please another?

and if he cant accept that, then he is clearly not adult enough to make a life with you. he can see his child, obv, but you will not conduct a relationship with someone who makes such ridiculous demands.

81sharonb · 19/03/2008 22:47

Hi just joined mumsnet.
I honestly think that you should tell him to grow up or show him the door.
You can be strong enough to bring up baby on your own. Your other children are old enough and maybe will even lend a hand.
I put my son before anyone in this world, it is our duty as mothers.
You know deep in your heart what to do, to show him the door would take so much courage but things get easier with time

expatinscotland · 19/03/2008 22:48

K, you asked for honest opinions.

Here's mine: DTMFA.

That stands for Dump the mother fucker already.

Youcannotbeserious · 19/03/2008 22:48

I'm afraid I also agree.

When you get involved with someone who has kids, they are part of the deal.

My DH has two kids who are simply part of our family. It's not always perfect and I don't always like having to consider his ex constantly, but I DID KNOW he had kids...

You haven't been untruthful to this guy (though, to be fair to him, 18 is VERY young and I doubt he's really that mature) so he doesn't really have the right to tell you what to do (actually, he has no right at all)

However, he's not looking at these 'children' as 'children', is he? They are the same age as him... He sees them as adults, one of them is older than he is FFS!!

If you want to reason with him, then liken it to the fact he wants to keep his family happy - the way he's trying to please his parents is similar to you wanting to be there for your kids...

Do you get on with his parents? What do they think about the baby? And, if you don't mind me asking, do they know about your true age / ages of your other kids?

I do hope you get a resolution, but I do think 18YO is VERY young.

Quattrocento · 19/03/2008 22:50

This sounds ridiculous. Are you serious about this? Is he really demanding you have nothing to do with your children? And are you seriously considering this as an option?

Original poster
callmerach · 19/03/2008 22:51

crushwith eyeliner / menoandthefishies/kerrymum/desiderata/nemoandthefishes/camillathechicken
At 8 months pregnant, feeling hormonal,i came here for some support. It's rather cruel for you to sit and mock my situation,and as the mocking is to do with his lack of maturity then perhaps you would all like to join him with your own gameboys as it would seem several of you are not much beyong his 18 years of maturity or lack of it!

And thank you to those who have offered your unbiased advice, it is much appreciated.

OP posts:
81sharonb · 19/03/2008 22:52

by the way I have 5 stepchildren, I knew that when I got together with my dh. There has been times when I wanted to run away and I know there'll be others. That was the choice I made. My eldest stepson is only 11 years younger than me.
Both of my dh ex's have been real bitches over the years at one time or another (plenty actually), you just have to remember the kids not them

KerryMum · 19/03/2008 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 19/03/2008 22:54

You came here for opinions, rach.

This is an unmoderated public forum.

So keep in mind, that whenever you post on here, it is highly likely you will hear more than you want to hear.

As an unmoderated board, it is not for the OP to dictate to others how they should respond, that is the nature of this particular board.

Please keep this in mind when you post on here.

Best of luck.

camillathechicken · 19/03/2008 22:54

my commetn re the gameboy was not taking the p8ss

i was genuienly enquiring whether you can see him at your side, at the birth supporting you

i don;t bother posting on threads to take the piss

81sharonb · 19/03/2008 22:54

she needs support and an ear to listen not sl*ing off

camillathechicken · 19/03/2008 22:55

did you not read my otehr comments. or jsut decide to read taht one?

expatinscotland · 19/03/2008 22:56

she asked for opinions!

that is the nature of this board.

if you want warm fluffies it's may not be the place to go.

people here have strong opinions and are allowed to express them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread