Met his kids at last.... well, at least one of them 🙄

[NewmemyselfandI]

Had almost finished this post and accidentally pressed back 🤦‍♀️ so bear with me, will try again...

Been with bf for a couple of years, both with 2 kids, mine 16 and 13, his 13 and 10.
Mine met him 6mo ago and were "okayish" with it, only got together another couple times since. They are clearly uncomfortable but understand and are nice enough around him, just don't ask me about it. Bf is quite the opposite from their dad in almost every way... Youngest son clearly a bit more annoyed by it, hasn't slept with me since bf stayed one night, and has kinda shown a bit of dissatisfaction - he's much closer to dad than my daughter.

So today it was my time to meet his. Recently his ex introduced new bf to kids and it was all apparently ok, so I went over to go for a walk. Older boy was super sweet, chatty and told him he liked me. The younger girl wouldn't even come downstairs to say hello though!

This took us a bit by surprise as she is generally the easiest of the 2. Bf clearly had no clue what to do - I guess I would have told my kids off as it was just rude, but he didn't want to have an argument with her over me on 1st meet which I understand. I'm not upset about it, but just don't know how to read it and what next steps to take if any. We had just started making plans to perhaps move in together in 1,5 years so this year we would try to get the families to meet more, but I'm worried this will keep us stuck again - given he's taken soooo long to even try to organise this, as stresses out over upsetting anyone any further, as he ended the relationship.

Any ideas on how he or me should approach it with her? Do we just leave it? Do I just keep showing up? Or don't do anything and have our lives driven by a 10yo mood?

I know its early days but I just worry he'll put kids feelings first and our plans will be conditioned or delayed because of that, as he doesn't seem very keen on confronting his kids - or anyone, really, but I know we won't be priority based on what I've seen so far.

Like with my kids, I told them just plainly this is happening, he makes me happy and they should expect to see him more. They are teens and aren't even that keen on spending time with me, so I'm trying to balance as best I can without hiding things from them, but I worry bf will just put me back in a box and keep these 2 separate lives now for longer, and I really don't want this...

Thoughts?!

I would just give her some time, it could be very distressing to have both your parents introduce you to new partners suddenly as a young child

"Been with bf for a couple of years, both with 2 kids, mine 16 and 13, his 13 and 10.
Mine met him 6mo ago and were "okayish" with it, only got together another couple times since. They are clearly uncomfortable but understand and are nice enough around him, just don't ask me about it. Bf is quite the opposite from their dad in almost every way... Youngest son clearly a bit more annoyed by it, hasn't slept with me since bf stayed one night"

Did I read that correct? That your 13 yr old son still sleeps with you?

How many years is it since he split up with their mom, and has he had any other girlfriends before you? I just wondered whether there is any possibility his daughter might hold you responsible for her parents break up, as on the face of it her behaviour to simply being asked to meet her dad's girlfriend of two years, otherwise seems inexplicably rude in my opinion.

🤣 sorry no he doesnt! But sometimes on weekends would, as does my girl on occasions when everyone super tired and chatty in bed... as I had loads of visits this holiday, he would normally stay with me no problem, but since bf came over he just doesnt and stays on couch or with his sister.

Meaning, the visits took his room/bed.

@Helga55 my 15yo dd occasionally comes in with me at night. Stop making normal parenting out to be odd. A 13yo boy with split parents wanting to share a bed with mum is totally normal.

Why has it taken so long to meet? Have they known about you this whole time?

I'd just leave her for now. Might just be a bit much if she's just met her mum's bf. Definitely go about your business as usual though and don't change plans just to suit her. Obviously this mostly depends on your DP not pandering to her and cancelling plans with you.

She's probably curious but just being a bit stroppy. If his DS liked you he'll probably tell her about you and hopefully she'll come round eventually.

Best thing you can do is just take it really slow. Trying to push a timeframe that doesn't work for all involved may just result in it blowing up.

Take a deep breath and go at her pace. It will pay off in the long run.

@Ilovelurchers we've met since just after separating, so around 2 years for both, but things only got more serious last year, and he only told them recently as didnt want ext to know and be upset. We were not responsible for either break up, he was trying to since 2020 but then covid etc... but obviously kids never knew.
Agree it's uncomfortable for kids, I've seen with mine, and he says she was being moody since before knowing we'd possibly meet, but I just feel it's not ok to not even say hi. Not for me, but for him mainly. He's such a present and loving dad, she is old enough to be ok with her mum's new bf, met his kid, he spent the night... and not even a hello?!

I think you should be a bit kinder to the 10yr old in your mind tbh, she could have not found meeting her mothers new bf ok at all but put a brave face on and then seeing her fathers new (to her) gf at roughly the same time was a step too far.

Your bf sounds like he doesn't really make moves very well and takes his time, perhaps moving in should be stalled until your relationship with the daughter is better?

In what way is your bf different from your sons father?

"Or don't do anything and have our lives driven by a 10 year olds mood"

Eeeeek. It might not be a big thing to you but it's probably a massive thing in a 10 year old life. She's lost her family! That's enormous. Try being a little sweeter. Might get there faster.

If you'd approached the post like / how can I help make my partners kids be comfortable and happy with me becoming a part of their lives I'd be more sympathetic. You pretty much told your kids to suck it up too. You don't seem to really give a fick about how they are feeling.

I think you need more empathy, this isn't all about you, this is a 10 year old child that has had her world split apart in the last few years. She is allowed to have feelings, especially in her own home. If you force it and treat her like she is rude and should just suck it up you are setting the stage for a bad relationship and years of stress as she becomes a teenager.

@DanaBarrettsKitchen what do you mean, so we shouldn't make plans unless all our 4 kids vet everything? The way I see it they have all their lives ahead of them, we dont. I dont want to wait till I'm 50 (when youngest goes to uni for example) to live the life we both want to... we are quite caring parents, we have prioritised our kids, but this has impacted surely our relationship with our exs as it was neglected and least priority so I don't want to do this again. My feelings and wants matter too, I'm not just a mum, he's not just a dad...
I understand it's difficult for kids and surely I won't pressure, but just dont know if he should try to talk to her, ask when she wants to meet, or just eventually in a few weeks organise another opportunity and see what happens?

Sounds like your 4 DC are at different stages of development, and acceptance of their parents’ divorce. And they’re 4 different people. And teens or almost teens! Frankly, I admire you even attempting a calm fusion of the 6 of you! Seriously, I’d accept him to put his kids first, they’re still very young. Totally different stage to yours.

You are being hyperbolic to suggest that giving her more time means you don't get what you want until you are 50.

Your attitude towards his daughter is really fucking shitty. No empathy at all.

In that case I think you have to be more mindful that although you have been together 2 years, the relationship is fresh news to the kids. His DD may just need a bit of time to adjust.

My DH told his kids about me but told them they could meet me whenever they felt ready. I met the 3 of them at different times on their terms. Maybe put the ball in her court so she feels she has some sort of control as it probably feels like she doesn't at the moment and so much is changing round about her.

Also, a 10yo should be taking parents for granted, not yet seeing them as people with sex lives and romantic lives and private lives away from them. You’re expecting A LOT from a young girl. She’s perfectly entitled to be co fused about her mum having a boyfriend or her dad having a girlfriend. Neither of those things are normal. They’re an aberration from a 10yo girl’s perspective.

How will you house all 4 of them? Some people do wait for DC to be much older before moving in together?

These DC would have had the joy of lockdown upsetting their lives and then parents splitting up and meeting new partners. It’s a lot for them to cope with

Thanks everyone and i dont mind being told off. I am in no way invalidating anyone's feelings and I did ask "how should we approach this to make it better". As I said I'm not upset with her, she is a lovely kid and I can imagine its difficult, and agree i dont know just how much prep she had from her dad before- i did talk to mine a lot and asked if they were ok to meet him before arranging anything, not sure he did the same...
I didn't tell my kids to suck it up either, just keeping open conversations about how everyone feels but being mindful not to keep neglecting myself for yet another god knows how many years as thats all I feel I've done in past relationship and it didnt work for anyone.

OP , I hope your boyfriend does put his DD’s feelings first . That would be the right thing to do .
When I met my DH I had 3 DC from my first marriage and he had 2 from his first marriage . 1 of the 5 struggled so we postponed our plans for a year .
Thankfully everything worked out and 30+ years later, everything is still good.
Give her time.

Give her a couple of weeks until attempting again at least and start meeting with his kids in a neutral place rather than their home which can feel threatening. Please don't force it, let her know she is invited and let her come to you. She has definitely been swamped by a lot of news from both parents recently. Using a carrot rather than a stick would be the way to go.

Try to remember that 10yr old girls are going through a tempestuous time, hormones everywhere on top of new people arriving in their life is really really stressful.
I think perhaps because yours are a bit older your expectations of his DD are too much for how emotionally mature she is.
You've been waiting for 2 years and she is 2 years behind.... this will need to be taken slowly, you can't force this because you have a thing about wasting time, that's your problem to deal with not a 10yr old girls.

I would say it’s not usual. But that’s only in my experience!

God help the daughter.
So glad my own kids didn't have all this forced upon them.