Met his kids at last.... well, at least one of them 🙄

[NewmemyselfandI]

Had almost finished this post and accidentally pressed back 🤦‍♀️ so bear with me, will try again...

Been with bf for a couple of years, both with 2 kids, mine 16 and 13, his 13 and 10.
Mine met him 6mo ago and were "okayish" with it, only got together another couple times since. They are clearly uncomfortable but understand and are nice enough around him, just don't ask me about it. Bf is quite the opposite from their dad in almost every way... Youngest son clearly a bit more annoyed by it, hasn't slept with me since bf stayed one night, and has kinda shown a bit of dissatisfaction - he's much closer to dad than my daughter.

So today it was my time to meet his. Recently his ex introduced new bf to kids and it was all apparently ok, so I went over to go for a walk. Older boy was super sweet, chatty and told him he liked me. The younger girl wouldn't even come downstairs to say hello though!

This took us a bit by surprise as she is generally the easiest of the 2. Bf clearly had no clue what to do - I guess I would have told my kids off as it was just rude, but he didn't want to have an argument with her over me on 1st meet which I understand. I'm not upset about it, but just don't know how to read it and what next steps to take if any. We had just started making plans to perhaps move in together in 1,5 years so this year we would try to get the families to meet more, but I'm worried this will keep us stuck again - given he's taken soooo long to even try to organise this, as stresses out over upsetting anyone any further, as he ended the relationship.

Any ideas on how he or me should approach it with her? Do we just leave it? Do I just keep showing up? Or don't do anything and have our lives driven by a 10yo mood?

I know its early days but I just worry he'll put kids feelings first and our plans will be conditioned or delayed because of that, as he doesn't seem very keen on confronting his kids - or anyone, really, but I know we won't be priority based on what I've seen so far.

Like with my kids, I told them just plainly this is happening, he makes me happy and they should expect to see him more. They are teens and aren't even that keen on spending time with me, so I'm trying to balance as best I can without hiding things from them, but I worry bf will just put me back in a box and keep these 2 separate lives now for longer, and I really don't want this...

Thoughts?!

Thanks everyone this is all good advice. Agree will just tell him next meet is on her terms and leave at that for now... won't ask him more about it or advise him to try chat to her. He will parent however he parents.
I guess the challenge in this new situation is figuring out how much to get involved or not to try get it right if possible...
I just don't like this "of course kids are priority" thing. Obviously they always are but it doesn't have to mean at the expense of your own needs if they can be reasonably accomodated in time. Me coming here was to try get some ideas on how to get there as it'll be a slow process anyway but can't also just sit back and do nothing and expect things to happen...

‘ you worry he’ll put his kids feelings first’
absolutely no words 🤦‍♀️ I hope he does

I'm not sure I agree with this - most ten year olds read books, watch TV and films, speak to a range of people etc and are well aware that the majority of adults have romantic lives/sex lives, and that marriages break up and parents start seeing other people. I agree levels of maturity vary, but 10 is very nearly secondary age, so the DD should be well able to grasp this concept.

OP, I do have some sympathy, as I agree you cannot put your relationship on hold indefinitely due to his daughter's feelings. And I do actually feel strongly that by refusing to come and speak to you guys daughter was actively rude, and this isn't acceptable.

However, a normally intelligent 10 year old will know that the majority of relationships break up due to an affair. I know this wasn't the case in your situation, OP, but given the timings, his daughter probably assumes he was having an affair with you? Or at least considers it a strong possibility.

And I'm not quite sure what you can do about that unfortunately.

Has her dad spoken to her about her refusal to meet you? And what reasons has she given?

Going at the child's pace is much more likely to lead to a successful relationship. I think going to her home was too much for her. Stick to neutral locations until she is comfortable.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/better-divorce/202205/how-and-when-introduce-your-new-partner-your-kids

Jesus guys! You are so harsh!
Anyway thanks again for the suggestions, I'm sure we'll be fine. Our kids are all happy and we will keep trying to do our best. Again, I didn't pressure anything and our plans to eventually move together are for 2 years from now, so just trying to see how to make good use of this time to get kids comfortable with the idea. But obviously things can change and its ok! I guess I just wasnt prepared for not a hello but we'll obviously be kind to her omg...

You state your kids are clearly uncomfortable then go on to say you worry your DP will put his kids feelings first.

TBH I think he is setting you a good example, aren’t you concerned about your DC discomfort?

Thanks @Ilovelurchers
Our official timeline is 1 year, the 1st was more casual and we weren't really calling it a relationship, too much going on, I wasnt ready for anything serious...
Only when things settled a bit we decided to "date" properly so I dont think kids would link us to being cause to the breakups... but who knows!
Agree 10yo are aware though, specially girls but too early to tell if this was a one off blip and she was simply moody or more.
I guess I wouldn't have allowed my kids to do this as a principle at any age to anyone but thats just me. I dont criticise him for how he educates his kids as I know we are different in that, and its ok.

I remember hating meeting the new bf/gf, and expecting to come down and be polite to this stranger who was all smiles and hand holding etc with my dad/mum. The poor kids shouldn't be forced to interact with you. If they don't want to, they don't want to.

“I know it’s early days but … me me me me me my life me me me me”

poor kids

Bf clearly had no clue what to do - I guess I would have told my kids off as it was just rude, but he didn't want to have an argument with her over me on 1st meet which I understand.🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

You always always put your kids first .. it is NOT rude.
It's anxiety.. it's the not knowing.. it's being scared.. it's being nervous...
I'm glad he didn't tell her off.. he knows where his priorities lie and who to put first.

@GKD what do you mean worried? I never expected them to be happy and super cool about it and excited... I expected discomfort and hence keep open communication on whats happening, don't lie, ask their opinions, but they should expect to compromise sometimes just as I do, as otherwise its not a conversation, but them making decisions on a relationship between 2 40 year olds! Of course I worry about getting something wrong, not just on this, since they were born, and sadly we wont always have it right! But I talk a lot to my kids, they can express their feelings, I will.listen, reply and we will make decisions that won't always go their way, on this or anything else, but thats life?! They havent shown resentment or been stroppy over any of this, I just accept it must be weird and we'll all have to slowly make it less weird together, no?

I have a 11 year old daughter, please give the girl a break. She had only recently met her mum new boyfriend and now has to be introduced to ANOTHER new person. Her brain may be fried, just give it time.

You sound very, ME ME ME. Grow up a bit eh.

Recently his ex introduced new bf to kids and it was all apparently ok,

That probably didn’t help. I know you probably thought that because she was ok meeting her mum’s new bf it was a good time to introduce you but for her, however ok she seemed, she’d just had one big change in her life and you introduced another! Give her a little time and maybe try meeting meeting up with your DP and his DC at the cinema so it doesn’t put too much pressure on everyone to be chatty.

I'm actually almost happy you guys are saying I'm being a bit me me me as I have been zero me me me past 15 years and I was dead inside.
But it doesn't have to be me over others.
And surely not over any of our kids.
We will find a way to all be okay in time.
All I wanted to know is what to do next, and so I will just chill and wait as advised, gracias :)

So much easier to run the two families separately and continue to date, much less stressful for the kids. Blended families have so many problems.

" I guess I wouldn't have allowed my kids to do this as a principle at any age to anyone but thats just me. "

But you aren't just anyone are you, you are the second new person one of her parents has tried to introduce, in her own home where she should feel safe enough to express herself within age appropriate reason and I think hiding away is within reason for a 10yr old here.
Wouldn't you prefer for her to WANT to meet you? For her to be as happy and excited as her brother was?
She wasn't being disrespectful or rude she was struggling to cope in the situation, shes only 10.

" I dont criticise him for how he educates his kids as I know we are different in that, and its ok."

You clearly do not think it's ok as you've taken her behavioir quite personally and are not happy he hasn't pulled her up on it as you would have.
It would be good to see this as a sign to not live with each other until the children are much much older, he likely won't change the way he parents on your say so which will cause resentment in yourself and his children if they get wind of your expectations.

Maybe he isn't the right guy for you op, especially if you don't want to waste time ( which I do understand ) have you considered finding someone with older adult children or none?
Someone that can meet your needs without compromise?

This.

Forget time lines. As adults you two have effed up, so now you go the kids' pace. It's not fair to traumatise them just to fit in with your time line.

As for telling them off for genuine upset ...

Bf clearly had no clue what to do - I guess I would have told my kids off as it was just rude, but he didn't want to have an argument with her over me on 1st meet which I understand.

She's not being rude, she's 10 and struggling with her feelings.

It's not like she invited you over, is it?

Just give her time.

@Mirabai perhaps... its an option obviously...

@WhyAmINotCleaning how can you say we effed up?! Why? We brought up amazing kids, have given them a super childhood... shit just happens. We wouldnt have separated if we could avoid it, it was bloody sad for both of us!

@TomatoSandwiches i think there are.more important traits than wether he has kids.or not that I love about him to give up because of that. And tbh a guy with older kids or none would hate dating me with all my issues around my kids!

I think that's the issue.
It's not your dc's fault that you have felt 'dead inside' for the last 15 years. And it certainly isn't your dp's dc's fault.
It comes across as if you feel you are somehow 'owed' being put "first" in this new relationship becausethat wasn't the case in your previous relationship. .
You have every right to have a happy relationship but both you and your dp have primary responsibility for your dc. Blending families may not be in everyone's best interests. Or maybe I mean blending families may not be in all the dcs' best interests.
There are decades ahead after your dc are adults for your relationship to come first.

If she is a daddys little girl type girl then i would say its probably insecurity at another world coming and taking him away or being the only girl in his life etc. I understand this as i was that girl in a way.

I would give her time and dont push it she may be feeling uneasy not knowing what kind of woman your going to be or if your trying to take her mums spot.

It sounds like both sets of kids are struggling a bit.

He did the right thing by not forcing her to come down, that may have caused a lifelong tension between you and the DD.

Just take things slow and keep gently introducing yourself.

Perhaps both keep it as a maximum once a month until they are more comfortable.

They are all at difficult ages and so I think you should tread carefully and take things with the kids slow and steady, but not slow down the relationship at all.

If you’re both good people then they will eventually come round.

I think you are just going to have to take things slower than you expected OP, you say thinking about moving in together in 1.5 years, a lot can change in that time but honestly your partner SHOULD be putting his daughters feelings before you and only move in when its right for all his family.

Mine met him 6mo ago and were "okayish" with it, only got together another couple times since. They are clearly uncomfortable but understand and are nice enough around him, just don't ask me about it.

I mean that you seem more concerned (I didn’t say worried) about his DD reaction than you are re your DC.

Your ‘worried he’ll put her feelings first’ is telling, shouldn’t all parents put their children’s feelings first and act accordingly?

I think it’s sad you’ve been ‘dead inside’ all these years, I hope you haven’t told your DC this, they’ll think they weren’t enough and you were just going through the motions.

My advice is to listen to what the DC are telling you and give them time to adjust.

Having a meet shortly after her meeting her DM partner was not the greatest idea anyway. She prob not processed one and what it means before being pushed into meeting another.

Sorry OP, I agree with this. You don't come across well in your posts at all.

And why do you have to live together at all? If your children aren't happy, the daughter doesn't want to know you and you've told your own kids 'this is happening, suck it up' could you both not just decide to live separately until the children are grown?