Met his kids at last.... well, at least one of them 🙄

[NewmemyselfandI]

Had almost finished this post and accidentally pressed back 🤦‍♀️ so bear with me, will try again...

Been with bf for a couple of years, both with 2 kids, mine 16 and 13, his 13 and 10.
Mine met him 6mo ago and were "okayish" with it, only got together another couple times since. They are clearly uncomfortable but understand and are nice enough around him, just don't ask me about it. Bf is quite the opposite from their dad in almost every way... Youngest son clearly a bit more annoyed by it, hasn't slept with me since bf stayed one night, and has kinda shown a bit of dissatisfaction - he's much closer to dad than my daughter.

So today it was my time to meet his. Recently his ex introduced new bf to kids and it was all apparently ok, so I went over to go for a walk. Older boy was super sweet, chatty and told him he liked me. The younger girl wouldn't even come downstairs to say hello though!

This took us a bit by surprise as she is generally the easiest of the 2. Bf clearly had no clue what to do - I guess I would have told my kids off as it was just rude, but he didn't want to have an argument with her over me on 1st meet which I understand. I'm not upset about it, but just don't know how to read it and what next steps to take if any. We had just started making plans to perhaps move in together in 1,5 years so this year we would try to get the families to meet more, but I'm worried this will keep us stuck again - given he's taken soooo long to even try to organise this, as stresses out over upsetting anyone any further, as he ended the relationship.

Any ideas on how he or me should approach it with her? Do we just leave it? Do I just keep showing up? Or don't do anything and have our lives driven by a 10yo mood?

I know its early days but I just worry he'll put kids feelings first and our plans will be conditioned or delayed because of that, as he doesn't seem very keen on confronting his kids - or anyone, really, but I know we won't be priority based on what I've seen so far.

Like with my kids, I told them just plainly this is happening, he makes me happy and they should expect to see him more. They are teens and aren't even that keen on spending time with me, so I'm trying to balance as best I can without hiding things from them, but I worry bf will just put me back in a box and keep these 2 separate lives now for longer, and I really don't want this...

Thoughts?!

I just don't like this "of course kids are priority" thing

Wow

Spotted that too... another poster also agreed with OP saying: I agree you cannot put your relationship on hold indefinitely due to his daughter's feelings - completely nuts in my opinion.

I never understand this self centred thinking. When I decided to have my son, I did it knowing I was making a commitment to make my son my priority above everything, at least until he is independent. I'd certainly never make him meet anyone, let alone make him live with someone if he wasn't 100% comfortable with it.

Also your own kids have only met your DP 3 times in 6 months and are clearly not thrilled either but you aren't pushing it in the same way with DPs kids. She is a CHILD and not equal to you in understanding of what is happening in any way, nor should she have to.
You have straightaway interpreted her reaction in the worst possible light - that's she's rude and should be made to do what you want.

I can only say that both my parents prioritised other relationships over their DC and it’s not something you ever forget or easily forgive (if ever). I know I will never do this.

Is there something in the water tonight? She's 10 fgs, carry on like this and he bloody better choose her over you!

Thats not how I interpreted at all.
I just said if MY kids did it, I would find it rude and talk to them about it.
Thats not how he does it, and its fine. In the end of the day we both have great kids, parenting can vary and I don't feel any urge to tell him to do anything differently. She is a lovely girl, stop trying to frame as if I'm this potentially horrible step parent! If anything I told him he should do something just them 2 more...
I said from the get go I'm not upset or anything, just wanted to try get ideas on what next.
Also we dont HAVE to move in together and up until recently I would say no, but the relationship evolved and we feel if things carry on as they are, itd make sense in 2 years or so. So with a slow pace, we need to start eventually and we probably didnt get this right 1st time, we'll try do better next.
But obviously if we cant make it work with kids, itd be a horrible situation and we wouldn't force it, hence why I asked "what should we do", as its only the 1st attempt to meet and too soon to jump to conclusions and give up?
I hope everyone is talking from experience as there's so much judgement here, honestly... anyway
My kids are happy teenage kids, we have a great relationship and I'm glad they can tell me how they feel, and I can share how I feel too. They are my priority but I can't keep them in a bubble and protect them from everything that is a bit uncomfortable. I'm not doing something horrible, I'm respecting what they say, they also respect me, and we are all just trying to do life as best we can.

I think its fine to be a lot more than "a bit uncomfortable" meeting another woman, who could potentially move in with you and be in your life forever in the role of another parent when you are 10.

You’re not coming across well in this OP and that’s why you’re getting so many replies that are “harsh” (your words). You’re putting yourself first now and you’re glad people are pointing that out and seeing it because you haven’t done so in a long time - these are your words. The problem with doing this is that if every parent involved does that at the same time, the kids will become resentful and it will have a massive impact on their lives. It was bad timing of you guys to introduce the relationship soon after their mum introduced hers. It was simply too much too soon. It’s also too soon to have a timeline really. It’s very much the attitude of “whether the kids like it or not, this is happening”. Why don’t you see how things go at a rate the kids are all comfortable with. Forcing it is not going to work. I agree with your new partners decision to not tell his daughter off - maybe he wanted to have a private conversation with her so she didn’t “lose face” in front of a new partner. Not only are you not happy with how it went, you’re already overstepping and judging his parenting. It’s all too, too much.

They are my priority but I can't keep them in a bubble and protect them from everything that is a bit uncomfortable.

But you can protect them from you doing something that would make them uncomfortable.

I'm sure you're a great parent OP, it's just that your posts come across really poorly. Children's feelings and comfort in my opinion should ALWAYS come before the romantic wants of parents. That rule might ease up a bit if the kids were 17, 18 and getting ready to embark on their own independent life maybe.

And yes, speaking from experience as a child who had parents with partners, as well as being a single Mum for the last 8 years who dates. I'd personally never decide to move in with anyone else until my son has left home. It's not necessary.

My boys father has moved my son in with his GF and 2 children, my son is slowly but surely pulling away and it has damaged their relationship. Nothing overly wrong with his fathers home, but I think he can recognise that I prioritise him and his feelings far more than his father has done.

Ok well sorry I've triggered so many.
I didnt mean it and I guess everyones intentions are good.
It was just a genuine question and think it blew a bit out of proportion if I'm coming out so badly. People thinking i wanted to scold the girl and move everyone together tomorrow and dont give a shit about anyones feelings...
Anyways I'm sure we will be fine.
Promise his girl wont have to put up with me if she doesn't come around to it eventually.

You haven't triggered anyone. You know what, you're coming across really narcissistic. Insinuating you've triggered anyone trying to give you advice or a reality check. Chill out and put your kids first, without the resentment. You'll end up with all sorts of problems down the road if you don't.. and countless problems with dp

Narcissistic may be somewhat strong, but being so defensive does suggest you didn't expect this response.

This is what's worrying me too. Been with bf almost 2 years. My dc (17 & 21) have known about him about a year. His dc (11 & 14) have known about me about 3 months.

No meeting yet and I'm not sure how it will go - I just think don't force anything and let them all take their time, it's a big change for them. There's no right or wrong way for them to react

You’ve had some harsh replies probably from first wives club who have no understanding of what it’s like.

My husband’s daughter was 10 when we met. I think girls are harder to bond with than boys, I never bonded with her and still have no relationship with her (mutual). She made life extremely difficult at times but I partly put that down to her mother’s poison. If I’d had a Time Machine I’d have run a mile.

I would be wary of this and bear in mind this is a sign of things to come. Big red flag.

It is often like this on here when step parents ask for advice I am afraid -- lots of mums who don't have a lot of time for SMs I think.

Some non judgmental advice --

I would take it very slowly, at a speed the children are comfortable with (and at their request as much as possible so they feel like they have some control). I think you need to give them time to process and get used to each change. Our timeline worked well for us, though I know that all circumstances are different (and the children in our situation were younger). SC were 3 and 7 when DH and exW split, and 5 and 9 when we got together.

Our timeline was:

-- Started dating two years after DH and exW had split (she left him for someone else, which didn't work out). This gave them time to get used to having separated parents and the huge changes in their lives that this entailed.

-- Told the SC about me a year in (so three years after their parents had split). Mentioned me occasionally, but didn't push a meeting. This gave them time to get used to the fact their Dad was re-partnered, parents were unlikely to get back together etc.
-- After 2 months, SS(then 10) asked to say hi to me on the phone, so we did that.
-- Another month and SS (then 10) asked if they could meet me, so we arranged that. We had one meeting on neutral territory (where I just met them for a walk and coffee, lasted about 1.5hrs). Drove there separately etc.
-- A month later met again under similar circumstances.
-- A month later met them at DHs home.
-- A month later stayed over at DH home when they were around. So this process took about 6 months or so (and happened 3.5 years after their parents had separated).
-- After another year, DH and I got married.
--After another year, I moved into DH house (to minimise disruption for them).
-- After 6 months (a bit rushed this one because of age) we've told them I am pregnant.

SC are now 9 and 13. It does take a lot of time and patience. But we have a really great relationship -- DH and I are settled and happy, the SC seem settled and happy when they are with us. Just recently, they both separately referred to themselves as my sons (which we have certainly never suggested to them) and it feels like we have reached a really good place (though I am aware that the teenage years lie ahead).

Btw, I agree that you shouldn't make children THE priority. I grew up with a Mum who did this but who was incredibly unhappy, and who continues to be incredibly unhappy. That has not been good for anyone, even though she was trying to do the right thing. Parents are better at parenting when they are happy and settled. Instead, kids should be A priority, and often will take priority because of their age and needs.

And it is just odd to expect (as Mumsnet comments often do) that post divorce (a divorce my DH neither wanted nor instigated), people should remain single until their youngest child reaches 18 (in DH case 15 years!). I genuinely think he is a better parent because of our relationship (because he is a more fulfilled person and, more practically, because I will often cook/do chores to free up his time to spend with his kids when they are here). It would (probably) have been better for DC if their mother had not left, but this decision having been made, I don't think my presence makes anything worse.

It is often like this on here when step parents ask for advice I am afraid -- lots of mums who don't have a lot of time for SMs I think.

There are no step parents in the OP's scenario.

She's met her boyfriend's DC once, a few days ago.

OP why do you think his daughter is unhappy about this relationship?

How long after your marriages ended did you start dating? Did your (and his) children have time to adjust to their parents separation before someone new came on the scene? Who ended your boyfriends marriage? If it was his decision, is it possible her mum wasn’t happy about it and influenced the children ( ‘dads in a new relationship too fast’)? Has she made your boyfriend feel some guilt?

Anyway, his dd feels how she feels. There’s no need to rush into anything if you care about him and his children. You can just enjoying dating. I’m 50 myself and doing exactly that. Focus on your own children.

Also:

‘I know its early days but I just worry he'll put kids feelings first and our plans will be conditioned or delayed because of that, as he doesn't seem very keen on confronting his kids - or anyone, really, but I know we won't be priority based on what I've seen so far.’

This is totally wrong, as others have pointed out. Your boyfriend is totally right to be prioritising his dc. I think you need to scrap your timeline of when you think you should be a blended family, moving in together etc.. Just enjoy dating. Take the unnecessary pressure off this situation and let his dd be.

In truth I wouldn’t consider all moving in together at this stage.

The younger ones all being moved into the same house with new step siblings / parent, in the teen and exam years? Could work but if it doesn’t it’s too late by the time you find that out.

Why shouldn’t they have a say?

Give the 10yo a bit of time! She has just watched her Mum ‘move on’, met another lot of step siblings she is supposed to blend with, now she is seeing her Dad spread his loyalties, too. It’s a lot for kids to cope with.

@NewmemyselfandI 10 year old girls can be total madams and want a lot of attention so don’t take it to heart.

I would try again to meet her but in mutual ground with an activity she enjoys doing as a treat, so it’s casual not all focused on the meet.

we met each others children all on one day in a park and introduced as friends, but ours are very similar ages and younger. This was very early on in our relationship and we didn’t make a big thing about it. They asked for sleepovers themselves, so stay fun and casual and she will be fine

The future therapy bills are mounting, OP ...

All of this.

You did a good thing by waiting before meeting them but it does sound as if they all need baby steps here, definitely neutral territory and tons of 1:1 and 2:1 time with their own parents.

Worth shaking off any targets or pictures of the end result here and taking things really slowly. Have you had chats with your two?

She's 10 and she won't be 10 forever. She is dealing with both parents moving on and hasn't really been kept and in the loop so this is all new information for her to process. Give her some time and space.