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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU DH ex overstepping

53 replies

Tishtun · 27/12/2023 15:00

Hi all,

Just here to vent really. For background I've been married to DH for 3 years and together for 6.
He has two children from a previous relationship that was short lived. They are now aged 9 and 7.

We have regular contact EOW and holidays. DH pays maintenance above what is calculated.
Recently 9 year old DSD got a phone which DH brought and he pays the contract.
The ex has been using this phone to contact DH and says to him her phone is broken and her phone was also pay as you go which she didn't top up regularly . She is now using DSD's phone. She openly told DH this and didn't say she plans to replace her phone. DSD mostly used her phone for games and got a switch for Xmas so isn't on the phone as much it seems.

Naturally DH was annoyed and wanted to stop paying the rolling contact. He didn't get into an argument as it was Xmas and it never ends well. However I am equally annoyed. I don't really want my husband paying for his ex to have a phone. Its inappropriate that she is using the phone full stop. And the audacity to just tell DH and not think its a joke baffles me. AIBU.

OP posts:
Seas164 · 27/12/2023 15:09

Step away from the phone argument and let him deal with it. Perpective is key.

Grilly · 27/12/2023 15:22

Ensure the phone comes with SD on contact times and install all the parental apps and limits you can. She’ll be less keen to use it if he can read all her communications! Cheeky mare.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 15:24

The mistake was giving a 9yo a phone in the first place.. He is a sap isn't he op?

Chocolatebuttonns · 27/12/2023 15:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

marychristmas44 · 27/12/2023 15:43

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 27/12/2023 15:24

The mistake was giving a 9yo a phone in the first place.. He is a sap isn't he op?

Haha oh dear has someone had a shit Christmas?

EmptyYoghurtPot · 27/12/2023 15:59

From one step mum to another - step away. Let him sort it out. I think he’s going to be damned whatever he does so it’s better it’s all on him.
oh, and loads of 9 year olds have phones!

Dipsomaniax · 27/12/2023 16:14

It really isn't an issue.

The phone is DSD's. Her mum is using it, that's between them.

Your dh agreed to this with his DD. He does not get to control HOW she uses her phone, even at 9. The mum has said it's a temporary thing. Imagine this was your sister and you'd agreed to help out by buying and funding a phone Contract for your niece.

Do you think you'd get to say how she uses it?

(I'm also assuming it's a £20 a month set amount mind you, not a varying amount where she's ringing the speaking clock in Australia several times a day)

Chocolatebuttonns · 27/12/2023 16:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Peoplemakemedespair · 27/12/2023 16:19

I’d report the phone as stolen if my ex did that.

PinkNailpolish · 27/12/2023 16:20

A 9 year old doesn't need a phone, especially if she mainly just uses it to play games on. She can play with her Switch. Get your DH to cancel the phone contract. DSD can have a basic phone when she is in Y6 or Y7 and will be out with her friends without adults.

BalletBob · 27/12/2023 16:33

9 year olds don't need phones. Too many risks and zero benefits. For a start, who is keeping an eye on DS's internet use and who he is contacting if he's rarely actually with his dad? Has your husband asked his ex to do this?

As PPs have said, just slap a load of parental controls on it (which surely he has done anyway for safety reasons?) and insist it comes back with DC when he's at his dad's. Make it clear that the phone is checked regularly (again, this should be routine anyway).

Floopani · 27/12/2023 16:40

Its a rolling contract so he can stop it anytime? I'd do that and get a pay as you go SIM for DSD as she clearly isn't getting use out of the phone contract so that's a waste of money.

But that's all for your DH to do. Nothing for you to deal with here.

marychristmas44 · 27/12/2023 16:41

BalletBob · 27/12/2023 16:33

9 year olds don't need phones. Too many risks and zero benefits. For a start, who is keeping an eye on DS's internet use and who he is contacting if he's rarely actually with his dad? Has your husband asked his ex to do this?

As PPs have said, just slap a load of parental controls on it (which surely he has done anyway for safety reasons?) and insist it comes back with DC when he's at his dad's. Make it clear that the phone is checked regularly (again, this should be routine anyway).

Kids from blended families often use phones to keep in touch with the other parent when they're not with them. Hth.

GrazingSheep · 27/12/2023 16:56

He does not get to control HOW she uses her phone, even at 9.

If he is a responsible parent he most certainly should be controlling how she uses the phone - as her mother should also be doing.

Tempnamechng · 27/12/2023 17:03

Ex isn't overstepping. I can't really see the problem with his ex using the phone, as long as it isn't costing your dh anything extra, and he can still use it to contact his dd, and it remains primarily his dd's phone for mostly her use then I can't see the issue. When my now teens were 9 (year 5?) most classmates didn't have phones and certainly wouldn't have them unsupervised.

Chocolatebuttonns · 27/12/2023 17:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Riverstep · 27/12/2023 17:16

If I was your dh I’d just cancel the contract. I would never bank roll an ex.

Dipsomaniax · 27/12/2023 18:06

Chocolatebuttonns
I probably would.

But I say that as someone whose dsd is in her mid 30's (and has very little to do with us) and I battled everything! Mainly because her parents hated each other and quibbled with every last detail.

I now look back at some of those details with the experience of (my teenaged) children and realise I could have encouraged so many small details to slide and it might have made a difference to dsd.

Her mother and father would still have passionately hated each other but if I could have soothed the ire on one side it may have made a difference.

I am younger than both and (was) idealistic enough to fight every battle as if it was important 😳. I was not ready for parenthood (and chose not to go there) but I definitely wasn't mature enough to be a step parent.

I just don't think this phone one seems big enough to get embroiled in. Reading this particular board, there are so many bigger issues.

Chocolatebuttonns · 27/12/2023 18:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Prayfortheangels · 27/12/2023 18:20

This is a really stupid hill to die on. As long as it's not costing any more money it doesn't matter if the child's mother is using it.

Tempnamechng · 27/12/2023 19:10

You didn't really read what I said, did you. 🤣 Instead of - no; as well as - I'll choose another hill to die on.

Prayfortheangels · 27/12/2023 19:13

Tempnamechng · 27/12/2023 19:10

You didn't really read what I said, did you. 🤣 Instead of - no; as well as - I'll choose another hill to die on.

I wasn't talking to you.

Original poster
Tishtun · 27/12/2023 19:19

It's more principle... the ex is using the phone as hers... its being paid for by my husband.
Not just the handset but the data, calls and texts.

She braisenly told him this is the case. He only agreed to buy the phone for DSD so they were able to have more contact with him. This defeats the object. The ex should, in my opinion buy her own phone as my ex doesn't owe her anything.

OP posts:
cansu · 27/12/2023 19:24

FfS if your dh thinks the dsd is not using the phone and won't care just cancel the contract

forrestgreen · 27/12/2023 19:29

Is there a way to block all calls excepts dads number etc?