AIBU DH ex overstepping

[Tishtun]

Hi all,

Just here to vent really. For background I've been married to DH for 3 years and together for 6.
He has two children from a previous relationship that was short lived. They are now aged 9 and 7.

We have regular contact EOW and holidays. DH pays maintenance above what is calculated.
Recently 9 year old DSD got a phone which DH brought and he pays the contract.
The ex has been using this phone to contact DH and says to him her phone is broken and her phone was also pay as you go which she didn't top up regularly . She is now using DSD's phone. She openly told DH this and didn't say she plans to replace her phone. DSD mostly used her phone for games and got a switch for Xmas so isn't on the phone as much it seems.

Naturally DH was annoyed and wanted to stop paying the rolling contact. He didn't get into an argument as it was Xmas and it never ends well. However I am equally annoyed. I don't really want my husband paying for his ex to have a phone. Its inappropriate that she is using the phone full stop. And the audacity to just tell DH and not think its a joke baffles me. AIBU.

Ditto - I was actually replying to @Chocolatebuttonns!

There is nothing you can do about this - as a pp says, step away and let them sort it out. Not really your battle. It all seems rather petty to me.

Cancel the cheque 😉 and the contract. Let ex know she is welcome to use the handset until she can replace hers but she will need to get her own SIM until she does that.

Oooh the PA "hth" 😂

I am familiar with the concept of blended families, being one of the millions of people who are in one.

9 year olds don't need mobile phones. Even the ones whose dads can only be arsed to see them EOW. Their safety should be paramount.

Does your DSD bring her phone with her for visits? If so, your DH should load it up with parental controls, disable data, internet searching etc and make it only work for games and phone calls to him + her Mum. His ex won't want it then.

If she doesn't get to bring it, your DH should message his ex and say she needs to give DSD her phone back and then do the above if she agrees. If she won't do that, he should tell her he's going to be cancelling the contract ASAP.

I'm assuming he's paid outright for the phone. If she refuses to return that, your DH should tell her he'll deduct the cost from the extra maintenance he pays her above the CMS amount. She doesn't just get to steal it!

@HeckyPeck I completely agree, ex didn't leave the phone last time.

Now it's being used full time by her I don't think we will see it again. It's a shame because the idea was to set up a direct line with DSD, if she wanted to talk or show DH something she could.

But this takes the biscuit and I'm not comfortable with DH paying for another woman's phone ?
It's pissed DH off ... and bottom line it's DSD that misses out.

Did your dh tell her it’s not on? If it’s for a few days/week or so I wouldn’t have an issue, but she can’t just take it on as her own.

contact the provider and ask for a replacement sim and cancel the old one. If your DH only wants to call or text get your DSD a cheap non-smart phone and put the sim card in that.

Ask him to pay for yours too

If he says no ask him why its any different

What? Who gives a 9 year old a phone on contract??? Weird.

They don’t need smartphones to do this. HTH 😜

Did he discuss getting the phone with his ex? She would need to have control of it as the girl is only 9? Who is keeping an eye to ensure it’s being used appropriately? I can see why he wanted to get her one to contact him but a 9 year old really can’t have unfettered access to a phone.. what happens if he rings his daughter? Does mum pick up? How much has the daughter used it? Does he expect her to take it out the house with her, she’s unlikely to be allowed
it at school. I’d just stop the contract completely. She can call and text and play games on wifi. It’s not as if she’s a teenager out on her own and it’s needed for safety

If they've got a shit resident parent, why are they being left there almost all of the time? If he's actually worried about their wellbeing with their mother, a phone isn't the solution. Likewise if he's worried about parental alienation.

He's a deadbeat dad who's easing his conscience with flashy and inappropriate gifts. A 9 year old does not need unsupervised access to a mobile phone.

I’m confused. Are you defending the actions of the mother?

Courts don't use a 90/10 split as a starting point. Where are you getting this information? All men aren't shit. Loads of them manage to have really positive and involved relationships with their kids after divorce. Some of them unfortunately have to fight really hard for it, because sadly no, all mothers aren't angels.

The narrative you're falsely accusing me of pushing is actually the one you're using to let blokes like this off the hook. If he wanted to see his kid more than a paltry 2 days out of 14, he could.

I'm making no comment on the mother. Not sure what's confusing you.

Sad as you say a short lived marriage. The youngest was one when you met their dad. I think how you have worded the start of your post says it all and lacks any empathy. This isn’t your argument. It’s for your H to sort out. Perhaps deep down he doesn’t mind the ex using the phone a little. Who really cares apart from you. Just leave it and find another argument to focus on rather than stopping a 9 year old having access to a phone.

I'm trying to paint it that way, despite literally saying that it's untrue? 🤔 No. It's the opposite. I hold men to higher standards because they are not all deadbeats.

I know a few dads who have had to fight hard and make huge sacrifices to get a proper contact schedule with their kids. I don't know a single case of a man (who isn't abusive or otherwise unfit) who has been left seeing his kids just 4 days a month despite desperately wanting, and trying, to be an involved parent. Not a single case.

Maybe this one's a unicorn though!