New baby and step child

[Mantrafate]

I'm really starting to get irritated with everything going on. So, I had my bio daughter on the 29th of November and we introduced SS4 to her on December 9th. Everything went good, he wasn't too interested in holding her much and he came back to our house for our full time schedule of 2-2-3 on the 10th. Things have been going well and he's adjusting to her well but lately I've been feeling he's getting a bit more clingy then I like. He's been constantly asking to hold her and not really listening when we tell him no for whatever reason she can't be held. He's always around whenever I'm doing something for my bio daughter whether it's changing her diaper or clothes or feeding her. I breastfeed so I try not to have him around because it makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable because any time I try to breastfeed her he's always up in her face near my boobs. He also goes to daycare 3 times a week and goes to his grandma's house 2 times a week. He gets sick quite often, almost every other week or two, and it usually happens from daycare because other kids are sick. His grandmother has been sick for over 4 weeks now and won't go to the hospital so he could get sick from her as well. So it makes me extremely weary of SS4 touching her because I don't want her getting sick. She was barely two weeks old when we introduced the two of them so I barely have had time to just bond with her without him being around. I also come from an abusive family so my maternal protective instincts are on overdrive as I want to protect her. DH doesn't get the severity of my protectiveness and anxiety as he likes to pass our daughter to SS4 multiple times like she's a toy or something because SS4 will take her, give her back to her dad and repeat the cycle 3 or 4 times until he's done holding her. SS4 also doesn't really hold her properly as he will sometimes lay her in his lap and not support her head or he will let go of her bottom half while he's holding her in his arms and joke about how he can move his arm while he's holding her. He can also be a bit aggressive with her and poke her in the face too hard and think it's okay because DH never says anything about this. He also gets mad whenever his dad says "okay, she needs to go to bed, or we have to stop passing her around," which only happens when I say something to DH because I'm getting irritated or concerned. Whenever I say anything that irritates me SS4 doesn't respond to me, and will only listen to his dad (if DH even listens to what I say) or if I hold my bio daughter too long SS4 will complain and say "She's held her for so long," and will sometimes give a look my way as if I'm not supposed to hold her long. He also hasn't fully come to terms that I'm her mother because anytime we've told him he's got a deer in the headlight look on his face like he's lost and will divert the conversation.

When you have a 4yo and introduce a new sibling, the 4yo isn’t going to follow any kind of personal space rules. Helping out with the baby and being really involved with things like diaper changes if they express an interest is a good way to get the older child used to the baby and help them bond.

He's 4 years old OP?! Poor little thing, you're talking about him as if he's making adult rational decisions to behave this way.
The more you act this way towards him, the more he's going to be sensing change and getting clingy. Sounds like your partner is doing his best to keep his son involved while you try to push him out.

What do you expect? He is 4! He doesn't know boundaries and personal space. There's a new baby in his house and he wants to hold her etc- but obviously he is 4 and probably not had much experience with babies.

I had my baby 28th October and partner has a four year old. So I get how difficult it all is and it's not easy... but he is four. I know I keep repeating it but I think you're being a bit harsh.

He's 4 - he's terrified he's being replaced by the new baby and daddy's new family.
Nothing he's done is bad. Cut the poor little thing some slack and stop being so hostile to a tiny child.

What do you expect he is 4 not 44

This has got to be a joke right??
Please say this isnt real

HIS FOUR !!!!!!!!!

Naturally your maternal instincts are all about protecting your DD. And anyone that has been there know they are some pretty fierce instincts. But you need to remember that your DD has a DB who doesn't sound like he has had much of a stable home and family life thus far and is pretty much still a baby himself.

You need to be very careful in the early days of establishing the new family unit. Have him involved, shower him with love and the two siblings will grow with a wonderful bond.

BTW, congratulations on your DD.

Exactly.ffs the poor mite.

Yet another woman who considers her husbands other kids to be a nuisance. It really is deplorable.

Did he not have contact for 2 weeks after the baby was born? If so he will probably be feeling unsettled and worried about his place in the family. Poor kid.

Sometimes, these threads read as though, women who marry men with existing children, and then go onto have their own baby, forget that the man has other kids too. Existing kids also share the father, who he has EQUAL responsibilities towards. It seems natural that a woman would like a nice nuclear family, and would probably feel more comfortable that way. But surely, marrying a man with kids, means accepting that his existing kids are equally important to him and deserve that place in his life too, and a stepparent should help accommodate that.

You really don’t understand 4year olds do you?
poor little boy. His behavior is entirely normal.

Honestly you shouldn't have had kids with your DH if you aren't able to include your SS in your life. Poor boy. Do a favour and consider splitting up with your DH because your SS will always be a part of his life, no matter what you want

I would speak to your health visitor or GP, protective instincts are one thing, but they seem to be in overdrive. You need some help with this.

A couple of things stand out he's with his dm then df the grandma twice a week. That's very unsettling for a child that age. He's getting moved about alot. He's also had his dad leave and have a new dp and new sibling in a short amount of time. He's only 4 a baby himself.

"His daddy has left home" jumping to conclusions aren't we? Sounds like there's 50:50 so two homes and no way to tell who left whom. Waiting for "were you the OW?" to complete the step-parenting bingo BS card.

OP there's another thread on yesterday by a mum who's got nearly the same issues with her 3yo DD and new baby, except for some unfathomable reason nobody's jumping on to vilify her for it. YANBU. Monopolizing your DD isn't on, especially when SS is too young to properly hold up her head. Funny nobody's suggesting the usual solution of making him parent his very own baby doll - sex stereotyping must be running strong on MN today.

That poor child. Posts like this are so sad, but a very good indicator as to why some people shouldn’t be step parents, especially if they’re going to add more children.

If/when you have another bio child your DD will act in the exact same (probably much worse as she’ll be far more comfortable with you) way but it won’t bother you because she’s YOUR DD. The entirety of your issues here stem from DSS not being yours and you not feeling the same about him.

keep in mind that he was there first. He has more right to his dad than you have to your ‘partner’ and he didn’t ask for you to come along and insert yourself into his life. You, as an adult, chose to do that, you knew exactly what you were taking on and therefore it’s your responsibility to swallow any and all of these crappy negative feelings so that they don’t impact him. Or leave, if you don’t like it…leave 👋

I'm assuming that DD wasn't kept away for 2 weeks in the beginning! Who does that to a sibling??? Even a quick visit to just meet the baby? Now acting surprised that the SS doesn't always connect OP with being mum?

How awful that he wants to be around his sibling. OP do you not connect him saying you're holding baby too long with you saying the same thing in front of him? How is he to know its not different for adults, he is 4. Poor Kid.

Sort yourself out.

FWIW my DS was 14 months when my DD was born and if you think ‘he’s all up in her face near my boobs’ constitutes ‘no personal space’ you literally do not have a clue.

Talk to me when you’ve tandem breast fed a baby and toddler whilst on the loo with a stomach bug 😬

She knows he’s 4, not sure why everyone’s yelling it at her. I’ve got a baby and a 4 year old and it’s blowing my mind that anyone thinks it’s okay for such a young child to be allowed to pick up a tiny baby by himself or hold her unsafely.

It’s lovely he’s interested in her and wants to be close to her, he can be included in a safe way that prioritises the baby’s safety at the same time. I’ve never let DD pick the baby up by herself! She sits on the sofa or the floor and we put him in her lap and supervise them.

Illness and germs are just a shit fact of life. DD was never ill for ages while DS has picked up loads of things from her. But she doesn’t cough in his face and isn’t allowed to poke him. When he needs a feed he gets one as that’s the priority, when he needs to nap she respects that.

The adults in the room need to work together and what SS wants doesn’t trump what the baby needs. That’s very basic parenting.

I know a lot of 4 year olds. I know several with baby siblings. While the blended set up here is worth considering it doesn’t mean OP is wrong for worrying about her baby’s safety and comfort. Trivialising her normal concerns by going “yeah but HE’S 4!!!!!” is pointless and nasty.

OP, get your partner to buy his son a doll and tell him he needs to stop pandering and making you the bad guy when the baby needs you. He knew he had an older child when he chose to have a baby with you, it’s more his job than yours to make it work. You’re not doing anything wrong.

Look I do understand your concerns with him being poorly alot and being passed to your baby and the poking and prodding ect.
As a new mum you will feel protective and worried about alot of things. Whether your child is a baby or a toddler they will pick bugs up anyway it's unavoidable. In fact I had a lockdown baby which meant her immune system was very weak and constantly got poorly as she hadn't been around the usual colds ect

Offer before he asks time with the baby to show you are willing to share the baby.

But also make it clear breast feeding times are quiet times or go to your bedroom so you can relax without disturbance.

You have an excitable child and things will get easier as they both grow. Cherish the bond they will have.

I honestly know the worries as I have 2 dss and 2 daughters. They have a lovely relationship.

Maybe there are child friendly books you can read him about when a new baby arrives like 'my new baby' which explains a few things like breastfeeding.

I wish you all the best it's all new and worrying but you will work it out and things will calm down.

This!! He's FOUR OP. Give the kid a break.

What a hero