New baby and step child

[Mantrafate]

I'm really starting to get irritated with everything going on. So, I had my bio daughter on the 29th of November and we introduced SS4 to her on December 9th. Everything went good, he wasn't too interested in holding her much and he came back to our house for our full time schedule of 2-2-3 on the 10th. Things have been going well and he's adjusting to her well but lately I've been feeling he's getting a bit more clingy then I like. He's been constantly asking to hold her and not really listening when we tell him no for whatever reason she can't be held. He's always around whenever I'm doing something for my bio daughter whether it's changing her diaper or clothes or feeding her. I breastfeed so I try not to have him around because it makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable because any time I try to breastfeed her he's always up in her face near my boobs. He also goes to daycare 3 times a week and goes to his grandma's house 2 times a week. He gets sick quite often, almost every other week or two, and it usually happens from daycare because other kids are sick. His grandmother has been sick for over 4 weeks now and won't go to the hospital so he could get sick from her as well. So it makes me extremely weary of SS4 touching her because I don't want her getting sick. She was barely two weeks old when we introduced the two of them so I barely have had time to just bond with her without him being around. I also come from an abusive family so my maternal protective instincts are on overdrive as I want to protect her. DH doesn't get the severity of my protectiveness and anxiety as he likes to pass our daughter to SS4 multiple times like she's a toy or something because SS4 will take her, give her back to her dad and repeat the cycle 3 or 4 times until he's done holding her. SS4 also doesn't really hold her properly as he will sometimes lay her in his lap and not support her head or he will let go of her bottom half while he's holding her in his arms and joke about how he can move his arm while he's holding her. He can also be a bit aggressive with her and poke her in the face too hard and think it's okay because DH never says anything about this. He also gets mad whenever his dad says "okay, she needs to go to bed, or we have to stop passing her around," which only happens when I say something to DH because I'm getting irritated or concerned. Whenever I say anything that irritates me SS4 doesn't respond to me, and will only listen to his dad (if DH even listens to what I say) or if I hold my bio daughter too long SS4 will complain and say "She's held her for so long," and will sometimes give a look my way as if I'm not supposed to hold her long. He also hasn't fully come to terms that I'm her mother because anytime we've told him he's got a deer in the headlight look on his face like he's lost and will divert the conversation.

The usual unhelpful step parent bashing comments I see. This is instinctive protective behaviour and people criticising the op for her feelings is about as valid as telling someone on a cliff edge to just 'not be scared'. I can't see anywhere that suggests she's been unkind to the boy.

Op I found when I struggled most with being a step parent is when I had no support, control and didn't feel as though I could 'parent' the children myself. If this was your own child you would take the baby off them, tell them what they are doing is dangerous and that they must ask before holding baby. I'm willing to bet you don't feel empowered to do this and this needs to be a conversation with your dh as you need to feel confident to discipline anyway.

Your dh should really be jumping in to tell dss that he must listen to you every time until he gets it. If you spend a lot of time with a child (even without a sibling to keep safe) they need this anyway as if he thinks he can ignore you what if he is doing something he shouldn't and ends up really hurting himself?

Oh yes yet another thread where the step parent clearly wishes the original child wasn’t around. The parter sounds like a prick, what sort of a man has another baby in such quick succession with a different mother. I seriously don’t understand how women can be attracted to these men and to be frank I wonder if they are desperate or their standards very low.

Agree. These serial-sire men are reprehensible and I don't find their women admirable either.

OP, please search for another step mums forum to post in, somewhere where you will get helpful advice rather than pitchforks at dawn!

SS shouldn’t just be allowed to do as he pleases, 4 or not. Your DH is really the problem here though, he should be ensuring that he steps in every time that SS does something that is unsafe or intrudes on your personal space.

its so difficult being a new mum even without additional children around, I can understand why you are getting stressed by it all. Don’t be too hard on yourself!

You have to put your foot down and make sure when he's at your house he stays in his room and doesn't make any noise or ask for anything. Leave a bowl of water in there so he has no excuse. You have your real family now and he and his father need to understand the boy is now irrelevant.

You don't seem to like your stepson much. He's 4. It's a huge thing for him to have a new sister.

His behaviour sounds entirely normal for a four year old - and step sibling or biological sibling, germs from nursery etc are just part of life.

I have an almost 4 year old and 3 month old. My child has done all the things you have described. He wants to hold her because he wants attention and loves the new child. He is constantly sick too. If the 4 year old was your child you wouldn't be acting like this. And the child would have been there from day one. I think you should have thought a little harder before having a child with someone who already has a child if you can't treat the first child like your own. He's 4 for god sake. Poor little man!

Most of us on mumsnet - are mothers so understand protectiveness of our newborn child.
I think we all get it - but what most of us do not accept is the attitude to the other very young child in this family. Removing him from his home for 10 days, then expecting him to understand, know how to behave around a new born baby, understand maternal instinct and behave like an adult - no most of us do not get that. And that is what OP is justifiably getting a hard time about.

ENjoy your baby OP - and relish the fact that her big brother obviously adores her and is going to be such a major part of her life - whether you like him or not.

If DSS4 was just DS4 you would be thinking this was too cute and how he really loves his little sister. Yes protect her if she is at risk but perhaps give him some 1 to 1 time too.

Dear internet,

I married a man with a four year old, and I am absolutely blindsided to now realise the man I married has a four year old.

Please tell me- how can I stop the four year old from being a four year old? He constantly does four year old things. It's almost as though his brain has only developed to the level of a four year old!?!

Surely marrying a man with children shouldn't mean that my child isn't the only child?!

OP it is tough when they are that tiny and I relate to alot of the emotion you have. When my first was born DSS was 8 and he was vying for our attention which is normal but put so much stress on me feeling like I couldn't give both kids what they needed and feeling torn. I felt like a horrible human as I struggled with DSS and you read the responses on these sorts of threads and I just felt like the worse person in the world.

But I had my youngest when DS was 3 and he did al the things you are describing your DSS doing. He was as at nursery so full of lurgy and constantly in babies face. DS actually started getting violent with the baby which was really hard to handle. DSS was in secondary and had lost interest in us and young kids as his mates are far more interesting 😆 so my struggles ( and even resentment) was about my own child

So here are some tips that I found to manage my 3 YO and newborn. So the baby change you can do one if two things 1st is get him involved. Oh DSS I need to change the babies Nappy can you go get me the Wipes and a fresh Nappy. Amazing thank you now can you open the Wipes and give me one. Then get a Nappy bag ready. Also get him a doll to change his own babies Nappy.

The breastfeeding is tough son2 things you can do. If dad's home say you need to put the baby down for a nap and take the baby upstairs to feed. If you have both alone I turned breastfeeding time into story time so after a while he would just get a book when I said the baby was hungry so it was a nice bonding time and stopped me feeling like I needed him to get off me.

In general you need to tell dad to take the older one out. Go to the pool, soft play, playground. Tall dad he needs to maintain a normal life and I would assume he did some of this stuff before.

I know it's tough and please try not to beat yourself up. It does get easier

You have a DH problem. All these posters berating you and saying “if DS was yours” are forgetting the very fact he isn’t yours is the reason for you not being empowered to set firm boundaries with DSS - unfortunately you are misplacing your frustration with DSS instead of his father. You need to get much firmer with your DH, if he as a grown adult won’t take your concerns seriously you’re unlikely to have more success getting through to a 4yo!

Congratulations on your new baby!

Is this your first child, it seems like it likely is and you are very protective and want to remain in your little bubble. Unfortunately, that’s not what you signed up for when you got into the relationship. 4 year old probably feels very left out, his dad has a new baby.

Did you have any type of relationship with the 4 yr old before you got pregnant? If you didn’t I would start to make more effort. Why does he ignore you and only listen to dad? That’s very a little odd? Of course he should listen to you in your home. Unless you don’t have much to do with him? Maybe he feels ignored and unloved by you.

Ask 4 year old to wash his hands before touching baby, explain too much handling will make for a grouchy baby. Tell him to be gentle. Thing is toddlers and youngsters can hurt- they can be heavy handed and pull, tug and poke and do so with animals which is why they often get bitten or scratched! A baby will be subject to the same treatment it’s for you to say no, that’s too rough or hard, be gentle and show him how. Get him to be a big brother, involve him. He’s just a little child.

Yep. Maybe throw a piece of bread in once a day. But that's it.

God for-fucking bid that a tiny child would be excited about his new baby sister. And want to join in the family love.

It's just sickening.

What research did you do before your baby was born op in to how much your step son would be affected. I read up loads on it, and knew that whilst dd2 would need me physically, it was actually dd1 (at then 2) who would need the far more emotional support. It's so hard for them. I can't remember everything I did, but I did have a 'special breastfeeding toy bag' that only came out for dd1 when I was breastfeeding. I think there was books in it too and I would read to her whilst breastfeeding dd2.

I agree with this. I have found a really supportive forum for stepparents - please feel free to pm me if anyone wants the details.

I cringed reading that whole post. He's 4.

I'm a step mother to a now 13 year old, but he was 4 when I had my daughter. He met her the next day, and was treated in exactly the same way I treated my daughter when she was 4 and we had another son.

Your feelings of contempt towards him are dripping from this post and I feel so so sorry for that little boy.

Imagine being a few weeks post partum and struggling with the strong natural instinct to keep your baby safe, having a partner who won't tell their child to not poke the baby in the face or to hold them properly, reaching out for support from other mums and then basically being told you're an awful person.

You're not awful OP. The biggest mistake you make was thinking people here would be supportive and understanding of a struggling new mum.

The responses are not about you. Read some of the other threads and you'll find nasty posts on all of them.

Please do go to the other forum where people actually want to help each other.

@HeckyPeck

If she had come on here and said 'how can I prevent my four year old DSS from poking my newborn' she would have had different answers.

She seems to resent this poor child for existing.

Imagine complaining she only had two weeks without him to 'bond'. Hes part of the family, exactly how long does she think he should have been banished for?

OP, I have a newborn and a four year old, among other children.

This is early days, four year old is excited and adjusting and figuring out the new world order. He won't always be this intense about the baby. Likewise, the baby will be getting stronger and bigger every day and you will be less worried about something going wrong. You will also see their relationship develop, your baby's face lighting up when his or her 'big' four year old brother pays attention to them. You'll see the wonderful parts of having a sibling soon, and that will balance out the stressful part.

Some tips - your four year old is probably hearing a world of 'no' at the moment and not mature enough to understand why. So try not to say no.

Re poking: 'baby loves it when you gently stroke her with the back of your hand, can I show you? That's right! Oh look how happy and calm she is'

Re breastfeeding: Timmy, I'm going to feed baby. Can you use these blocks to build a big tower for her to look at while I burp her? She'll be so impressed, she's too little to make a tower.

Nursery germs are part of the deal. The alternative would be to keep him home with you while you're on maternity leave- so consider whether that is appealing to you. I had to do that for medical reasons and with my previous child and it's doable but hard. You can encourage hand washing, and sleeve coughing and at four he is old enough to understand that he needs to keep his face away from the baby's face when he has a cold, so include him in that without saying 'no' too much. 'Timmy we don't want germs to spread to baby, so while you're sick let's just kiss her feet.'

Nappy changing etc- anticipate that he wants to be involved, instead of getting annoyed- include him, give him a little job to do. 'Timmy, can you please choose a nappy? Timmy can you sing a song to baby to keep her happy while I change her nappy?'

He'll learn to be more gentle.

But you need to be kinder to this poor kid, your post was really hard reading and I think if you read it back in a couple of years you'll feel mortified that you were so hard on him.

Your feelings are natural but - he’s a very young child himself.

Just set boundaries in a positive way “it’s great you love x so much, but me/dad need to help you cuddling. You could accidentally hurt her if you do it on your own” etc

It’s absolutely right you safeguard your baby, but remember he is very little too.

You don’t sound like a horrible person, you sound a bit overwhelmed, which is quite natural in the early days with your first baby, your partner (for whom your daughter is not his first) needs to take the lead in supporting you but also including his older son.

Also OP, I'm sorry you've come from an abusive family. If you haven't already, consider whether some therapy might help you as you navigate these early days. It seems to be impacting your parenting and your relationship with DSS.

You mention wanting to protect DD due to your abusive background, but I would encourage you to have some curiosity about whether you also need to protect DSS. Feeling unwelcome in your own home isn't good for anyone, let alone a child.

A good psychologist might also help with understanding what is developmentally appropriate for a four year old and help you feel less frustrated with him. Treating her 'like a toy' as you say, is developmentally appropriate. Children like toys. Children know how to interact with and enjoy toys. It's positive he sees her as a 'toy' (positive, fun, happy, belonging to him) at this stage. If you want him to understand and appreciate her humanity, autonomy, vulnerability etc- I'm sorry that takes years. So enjoy that he enjoys her and adjust your expectations.

Likewise with your 'deer in the headlights' comment when being told you're her mother. I'm not sure what kind of response you're searching for when you tell him this? What do you want him to say or do?

He'll figure out the relationships over time from seeing you be her mother.

I'm not suggesting therapy as a dig, I just found it helpful and I think you might as well. When you come from an abusive background, parenthood can be triggering- and you might realise that other people have more of a 'blueprint' in their heads about how a healthy family operates that you didn't get the benefit of.

OP, your feelings are instinctive. What is not totally clear from your post is whether you are seeking acknowledgment that your DH should be harsher to his son and more caring for your feelings and acting accordingly. Or whether you realise that your feelings, although legitimate, are not appropriate in your situation and you are seeking advice on how you can be more patient, understanding and accepting or your SS.

The two are very different.