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Step-parenting

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Original poster

adult step children - how do you cope

65 replies

susanu67 · 19/12/2023 17:23

When my husband an i met, I had 2 young daughters and my husband had 4 children all of whom were adults when we met.

I never seem to be able to get anything right. At the beginning of the relationship, i worked my socks off trying to encourage and build relationships with his children, only to be accused of being controlling and dominating.

So, I stepped back, and left them too their own devices, of course this lead to my husband not making any effort with them, and them in turn making no effort with him, and i ended up being accused of stopping him from seeing his kids?

We have been together for 10 years, and in this time, his children have never spent christmas with their dad because they have had 'other plans' even though they have been invited year after year, but they have prefered to spend time with their respective partners families instead.

My girls as a consequence have suffered, and to be honest, they dont want a relationship with these people.

This year, my girls lost their dad and this is their first christmas without him. Im working christmas due to my job, and we are having our christmas a midweek day.

Low and behold, his children have decided that they want to now spend some time with their dad, and the only day they have available is the day we have set aside for our christmas day with my girls. and once again, now i am the evil step mother for putting my foot down and saying no!

There are two reasons for my not wanting them there.. my girls want to be able to be themselves, show their emotions and remember their dad (not only was he their dad, my ex, but we were also very good friends and i cared for him in his last months)... but.. one of the step sons partners is pregnant, shes due to give birth 2 weeks after this date, shes the only person who drives, and to get to us they will have to travel for a good hour and half! I'm nervous and would never forgive myself if anything happened and i dont want them here!

What do i do?

OP posts:
laurwalsh · 19/12/2023 17:26

It sounds like they don’t like you OP sorry 😞

frazzledasarock · 19/12/2023 17:27

Can your husband go to them and you and your children spend the day together as planned?

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2023 17:29

This is all very strange and dramatic. Why would be doing anything either way b- be it working your socks off to be involved or stopping him from seeing them.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 19/12/2023 17:31

How have your daughters suffered from his kids not having much to do with your husband?

Your husband has a poor relationship with his children. That’s your husbands fault. Not his adults children’s fault.

I don’t think you can ban them from a home that’s is also your husbands because your daughter want to be alone.

Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 17:32

laurwalsh · 19/12/2023 17:26

It sounds like they don’t like you OP sorry 😞

they dont.. i'm well aware of this, but for my husband sake i've tried and tried.

OP posts:
Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 17:35

frazzledasarock · 19/12/2023 17:27

Can your husband go to them and you and your children spend the day together as planned?

my husband does not drive and he is actully working nights the night in question.

OP posts:
Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 17:38

arethereanyleftatall · 19/12/2023 17:29

This is all very strange and dramatic. Why would be doing anything either way b- be it working your socks off to be involved or stopping him from seeing them.

ive never stopped him from seeing his kids, but he does not drive, so for him to see them he needs me to take him. the more replies i get, the more i see, this isn't my issue but his. I thought it was my job to try make it all work.

OP posts:
Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 17:42

Lifeasiknowitisout · 19/12/2023 17:31

How have your daughters suffered from his kids not having much to do with your husband?

Your husband has a poor relationship with his children. That’s your husbands fault. Not his adults children’s fault.

I don’t think you can ban them from a home that’s is also your husbands because your daughter want to be alone.

of course they are not banned... but am i not allowed one day just for me and my children?

OP posts:
Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 19/12/2023 17:45

Not really sure why it's your responsibility to get him there? You have your day with your children. He can do whatever he wants with his, but not at your house.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 19/12/2023 17:50

susanu67 · 19/12/2023 17:42

of course they are not banned... but am i not allowed one day just for me and my children?

Show quote history

Are they wanting him to go to them or them to come to him?

If you are saying they can’t come to the house then you banning them.

I can’t imagine they planned it on purpose. Maybe they wonder why they can’t have one day seeing their Dad?

Whilst I get you are doing Christmas Day on another day, your daughter will be very emotional on actual Christmas Day as well. Maybe over the whole period. It’s very difficult losing a parent especially so young. Do you only have one day off in 2 weeks?

If you could pick what happens, what would you prefer? Another day? Not at all? Him to see them elsewhere?

I still don’t get how your daughter have suffered from your husband lack of relationship with his own kids

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 19/12/2023 17:59

Maybe they wonder why they can’t have one day seeing their Dad?

Well I imagine that the DH has told them they already have plans for that day so aren’t available.
Which is the case.

Its a shame and poor timing but really should the adult step children expect him to drop any plan he already has just because they’ve decided to come?
Is it expected that he should put his own adult children first, above his own wife, at a time when both her and her dcs need support?

Foxblue · 19/12/2023 18:00

How have you stayed with a man who doesn't make any any effort with his kids and couldn't be bothered to learn to drive to see them??

excelledyourself · 19/12/2023 18:02

Is this baby you've referred to on the support thread as your first grandchild?

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 19/12/2023 18:03

Also, no they’re not ‘banned from the house’.
There is already something planned in that house. Something the OP has planned and her DH is involved with. It could have been a massive party with work colleagues, a special birthday party with one if his very dear friend. Whatever.
Would you think that he or the OP is ‘banning’ the step dcs because they aren’t invited to said party? Or is that reserved for when the OP wants to do something in her house with a selected guests?

MinervatheGreat · 19/12/2023 18:05

I’m sorry that you’ve had a bereavement and hope your daughters are coping ok without their dad. I’ve experienced something a little bit similar in the distant past.

Whatever solutions are suggested here, frankly I’d stand my ground and shun them quietly & without drama forever more.

Have your family day as planned & shut down any further conversations about it.

Stuff them because whatever you do and when, I can tell you, from
my experience, it’s a battle you’ll never win.

Your daughters won’t suffer for a lack of anything from them and are old enough now I presume, to be confident in their decisions not to have anything to do with your step children.

It’s not as if they’re “blood” and if after 10 years the “steps” haven’t reached out, for sure they ain’t gonna do so anytime soon!

Let your husband get on with it/them. Leave him to it. Gird your loins & carry on being true to yourself & your dear daughters.

NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 18:05

It’s very hard as an adult child to negotiate relationships with step parents and step siblings. I have very difficult relationships with my stepmum and her daughter and feel pushed out from the family because they always seem to be the priority.

i don’t see the problem in spending Christmas together. Perhaps they are like me and want to get to know you all.

NeonSoda · 19/12/2023 18:07

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 19/12/2023 17:59

Maybe they wonder why they can’t have one day seeing their Dad?

Well I imagine that the DH has told them they already have plans for that day so aren’t available.
Which is the case.

Its a shame and poor timing but really should the adult step children expect him to drop any plan he already has just because they’ve decided to come?
Is it expected that he should put his own adult children first, above his own wife, at a time when both her and her dcs need support?

I’m of the opinion that people should almost always put their children before their partners. Sometimes your kids just need their Dad/Mum.

But then I am an adult child of divorce with two step parents.

susanu67 · 19/12/2023 18:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 19/12/2023 18:39

Ltb and put your dc first. Better late than never.. Yabu to have put up with this life.

Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 18:48

excelledyourself · 19/12/2023 18:02

Is this baby you've referred to on the support thread as your first grandchild?

gosh no...

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 19/12/2023 18:52

You just say ‘sorry, we can’t make that date. How about x, y, z date instead? And keep going until a date is agreed. That’s the usual way to make arrangements in my life.

Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 18:55

Lifeasiknowitisout · 19/12/2023 17:50

Are they wanting him to go to them or them to come to him?

If you are saying they can’t come to the house then you banning them.

I can’t imagine they planned it on purpose. Maybe they wonder why they can’t have one day seeing their Dad?

Whilst I get you are doing Christmas Day on another day, your daughter will be very emotional on actual Christmas Day as well. Maybe over the whole period. It’s very difficult losing a parent especially so young. Do you only have one day off in 2 weeks?

If you could pick what happens, what would you prefer? Another day? Not at all? Him to see them elsewhere?

I still don’t get how your daughter have suffered from your husband lack of relationship with his own kids

Show quote history

i am working all over christmas... my husband is not, so he is at home 23d, 24th, 25th, 26th.... but they dont want to make the effort then! he starts work 27th. unfortunately its our 10th wedding anniversary on new years and we are going away for a week on the 30th.. i work for the emergency services, which is a 24/7 job, so yes, time off is difficult for us. If i had a choice, i would ask for another day, which is what i have been asking for for the 6 months leading up to this point! but no, it has to be this day.

i will not go into the comments about my daughters suffering and should not have said anything.

OP posts:
namechangnancy · 19/12/2023 18:59

Ick you know there's a saying peoples opinions of you are none of your business.

And that's because people get so wrapped up in people liking them that they often don't like themselves in the end (and those people who you tried to make like you still hate you - so you might as well stick to your own moral compass and like yourself)

This is amplified in the step world. Step dads rarely get such a rough time but step mums are often type cast before they have even met the kids. It's the same type of difference between a "good" mum vs "good" dad but on steroids.

You don't need mn to tell you but since it's not Christmas but a day after it due to work, you can happily say, sorry the girls have lost their dad and my priority is them. Dh if you want to see your children on x date go ahead but I'm not going to be able to drive you so please make other arrangements and a back up that doesn't include me if dss gf goes into labour has baby etc.

This is not your problem to solve. I feel for kids of divorce (as I am also one) but as someone who didn't create those children and then get divorced - any pain or things that need to be managed is and should be shouldered by mum and dad. Period.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas (as much as you can) and your girls have a good day.

If you view it as you're always going to be seen as evil no matter what you do, it makes saying no when you need to, fairly easy.

excelledyourself · 19/12/2023 19:07

gosh no...

So is it your own daughter who is pregnant?

Original poster
susanu67 · 19/12/2023 19:13

Foxblue · 19/12/2023 18:00

How have you stayed with a man who doesn't make any any effort with his kids and couldn't be bothered to learn to drive to see them??

.. he's blind in one eye!!! i think you can work out why he doesnt drive??

OP posts:
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