How is this new year?

[winterrabbit]

Annoyed with my DH because he is really crap with communication around when DCS, 20 and nearly 18, are staying with us over the holidays. Basically, his ex tells us when we are having them with no regard for any plans we have and he just agrees to it. He said a few weeks ago that they would be coming for New Year because we had them last Christmas. To me, New Year means sort of 28th or 29th December onwards and probably the following week. It turns of that New Year to them means 25th December for a week. How is that New Year?? His ex is from another country who celebrate Christmas on 24th so she's clearly doing that then sending them here OR she is following the school holidays and she gets first week and he gets second. Really cross as my mother is coming to stay over Christmas and I need the extra room plus want some quiet time with her as I've barely seen her this year. So I told DH that to me, New Year is not frigging Christmas Day, it's 27th or ideally 28th onwards, which he has of course misconstrued and is claiming DCS aren't welcome. It's like this every year, always some misunderstanding and his ex calling all the shots.

Sorry, meant DSC not DCS

Have you got their ages right in your post op?

If you gave, whybdoes anyone need to 'have' them?

Surely they stay where best fits their social life?

Unfortunately I have. They are 20 and 17 (18 next month) and I have been asking myself that very question for a few years!!!!

I can see their Dad's perspective too of 'my DC are always welcome in my home'. Anything else is awful.
I think you will have to carve out some time with your mum and encourage your DH and the SC to go out and leave you home with your mum at times.

Goodness sake they're bloody adults and can decide when they come over. Seems ridiculous. Tell your husband to stop being so weak and speak with his kids as to when they're staying.

Chewbecca, we don't have enough rooms if they all stay at once. They have rooms at their mum's so can stay there. I've got enough going on with 3 other kids, work until Friday, Christmas prep etc.

Surely it's between the adult kids and their dad...why on earth is mum getting involved? Mine were sorting out their own visits by the time they were 14.
If he's double booked the spare room then can you and your mum share, his kids share and he can have to sofa. Even better book yourself and your mum into a nice hotel.

I would assume new year to be anytime from 26th onwards

AmyLou, so I work like an idiot all year, have seen my mum once in the entire year, yet have to vacate my own house at Christmas to make way for his adult kids who have rooms at their mother's house? What a cheek. Not happening I'm afraid. I pay the mortgage and I will be staying here, thank you very much.

I would call the New Year 30th/2nd or maybe a little later depending on distance/their social plans.

Well DSC are welcome - but they will have to sleep in the living room for 1 night as your mum is already booked in the spare

"New year" can be ambiguous re dates - but I would never have included Christmas Day in it!

Or they can just rearrange their plans/their mum's plans and stay there an extra night or two and come for New Year, as planned. I don't think they would even mind or care, it's purely the mum dictating what she wants, probably because she has plans.

I get where you are coming from. Men are basically lazy and don't want to rock the boat with exes - they seem to think it is easier with the current for some strange reason. New Year is as you say. It doesn't start on the 25th Dec. There is an ex wife/mother in our relationship and she still likes to dig her oar in about visits etc. The kids in our situation are 23 and 20 now. He needs to tell her that you have other guests over Christmas and can they push back until the 27th. Why are they only discussing this NOW?

Still getting over the suggestion of sharing a room with my mum. DH and I both work full time and have 5 kids between us. I can't remember the last time we went out for dinner or did anything together. The one time we might actually get some down time off work, we're being told to make way for DSCS and to bunk up with my mother. My mother is a prolific snorer, goes to bed at 9am and wakes up at 5am. No thanks.

If she's already promised the spare room to her mum then I'd be putting my foot down and saying that the 'kids' sleep at their mum's where they have actual beds. Seems like everyone's expected to dance to the tune of the ExW and the DH has zero backbone to challenge her.

Are the 5 kids between you the two DSCs and then three shared? Or do you have children from a previous relationship? If you do, what are they doing over Christmas/new year?

Personally, my DSC are always welcome regardless. I particularly couldn't tell them they couldn't be there if my own children were there all that time. But that's me.

You don't like the set up. What his ex does is immaterial, you have a DH problem. So what's his solution?

Can the step children not share a room when they come over? Do they have a room at your house? Where do they normally stay?

Absolutely the kids just stay an extra few days at their mum's. If shes not there it doesn't matter. How far is mum's from you anyway?

So they’ll be on the sofa whilst your mum’s in their room? No big deal. They can either stay at home or sleep on the sofa. Or at friends’.

Your DH needs to step up here and make arrangements that work for you as well as him/them.

He also needs to stop being told what to do by his ex. He can do this by telling his sons they need to discuss plans with him directly. Then telling his ex the new way forward.

So your kids will be there but your DHs kids are not welcome?

Wow. These are your husband's kids (whatever their age) who are coming to stay with their dad. As a mum and step mum myself this is the reason step mum's get stick on MN. Let your DH host his kids and spend time with them. It's not their fault you didn't spend time with your mum much.

Would you really cancel your mother coming over at Christmas because your adult children decided they wanted to come and visit earlier than planned?

As a step child myself, if my mum had given my dad the wrong dates and my step mum had arranged for her mum to stay thinking I'd be with my mum, I wouldn't expect her to cancel her mum's visit. Thank God my parents didn't overcompensate for their divorce and let me grow up into someone that entitled!

No I wouldn't. And nowhere have I suggested that she should cancel her mother. I would welcome everyone and make it work somehow. Like most normal people would.

Well if this is your attitude, I can’t imagine why they even want to visit you. They must really love their dad.