How is this new year?

[winterrabbit]

Annoyed with my DH because he is really crap with communication around when DCS, 20 and nearly 18, are staying with us over the holidays. Basically, his ex tells us when we are having them with no regard for any plans we have and he just agrees to it. He said a few weeks ago that they would be coming for New Year because we had them last Christmas. To me, New Year means sort of 28th or 29th December onwards and probably the following week. It turns of that New Year to them means 25th December for a week. How is that New Year?? His ex is from another country who celebrate Christmas on 24th so she's clearly doing that then sending them here OR she is following the school holidays and she gets first week and he gets second. Really cross as my mother is coming to stay over Christmas and I need the extra room plus want some quiet time with her as I've barely seen her this year. So I told DH that to me, New Year is not frigging Christmas Day, it's 27th or ideally 28th onwards, which he has of course misconstrued and is claiming DCS aren't welcome. It's like this every year, always some misunderstanding and his ex calling all the shots.

At their ages surely they can and should be deciding for themselves. If they want to spend Christmas day with their dad which doesn't sound outrageous, they'll have to sleep in the living room or something.

Exactly, you make it work so your mum and your DSC are welcomed.

I don't know why all these grown adults can't just be told what the situation is?
They have all dicked around and now expect to be able to snap their fingers at the last minute and everyone just jump to attention. Well you've already made other plans so they will just have to wait a few days this time.
It will be a good lesson in not being the centre of the universe.

So they were never welcome over Xmas - stop blaming the SDCs and their mother - you did not want them over Xmas at all

It’s very frustrating having plans change at the last minute, I know that feeling. But it’s Christmas, so whilst annoying that it is to accommodate their mother, the reality is that it’s a bonus your DH now gets to spend Christmas Day with his older children, surely you don’t want to deny him that just because you’re annoyed with his ex?
Yes it’s not going to be the same dynamic for when your mum stays as you expected, but there was always going to be some noise/busyness if you’ve got 3 other DC in the house. This very much sounds like you just want your own family there and not his kids.
As long as your mum has somewhere to sleep you just juggle things around. I’m fairly sure you would do it if your adult DC wanted to stay for Christmas.

On a separate note, given their ages your DH needs to start making plans directly with his DC in future

He [DH] said a few weeks ago that they would be coming for New Year because we had them last Christmas.

In the OP ^^

Surely Christmas time is for family and everyone (especially younger folk) squish in where possible.

If you have 5 DC between you how many bedrooms do you have? Did the DSC never have a dedicated bedroom for them at dad’s?

Why can’t your kids bunk together or sleep on the couch so your mom can have their room? Why shouldn’t your kids be inconvenienced by their grandma visiting instead of his kids being told they’re not welcome in their dad’s home?

@winterrabbit I agree with you, it’s ridiculous, the Christmas plans have been made and your DH needs to tell his DCs to come for new year when it’s new year!

How often did DSC stay with dad when younger?

It’s not their fault you have only seen your DM once this year.

I don't get this 'it's Christmas so people can make do/sleep on the sofa/floor/share 5 to a bed to make room for everyone' attitude. No thanks. I like some calm in my house at Xmas. My SS(23) no longer stays here at Xmas as we don't have room for him any more and he has a perfectly good bedroom at his mum's 20 mins away. They're bloody adults!

so certain DCS will get room in a house to see their parents when they get older but the SDC can eff off and travel 20 miles - nice one floofydawg. One night of letting him have a drink with Dad and relax not possible.

True colours really coming out in this thread. I simply can not imagine telling my SDCs x3 aged 20 -17 now that they could not come and stay over Xmas because they originally said New Year.

Did I say 20 miles? Re-read my post. And he still gets to have a drink with his dad and relax. He gets driven back and forth.

DH can pay for his adult children to stay in a nearby Premier Inn/Travelodge/AirB&B. You mother has the spare room. DH shuttles them to and from the hotel in the morning and evening or they get a taxi.

@Singleandproud would you do that for your own children?

Why is it expected that mums can continue to house their own children well into adulthood, whilst Dad's don't have to as soon as they get to be teenagers.

@crumblingschools if they were grown ups and I didn't have the space and the plans changed last minute then yes, in fact my daughter would probably enjoy having her own quiet space away from the hubbub and would prefer to feel she wasn't putting anyone out.

Presumably the mum's children aren't adults and live their for the majority of the time. Whereas the adult children are guests.

Your Mum takes priority, they can sleep downstairs.

That’s fine if you’d do the same with your own DC, but I’m sensing from your posts that you feel your DC/family are more important than his and you simply don’t want them there and you expect your DH to just accept it.

As your own DC will be there, how are you getting ‘calm’ in your house at Christmas?

I would never turn away my DSC as I wouldn't turn away my own kids, but I would tell them they were on the sofa or wherever. I know it's annoying but in my opinion they have to be able to regard their dad's home as their home too, as they would their mums, and you knew they were there when you married DH.

what I would do though is talk to DSCs directly and explain, saying you thought they meant 27/28 ish and would they rather come a bit later than sleep on the sofa. My DSS wouldn't mind that at all, it's just a practical
space conversation.

I think the OP is being completely unreasonable there is obviously crossed wires but no reason why the SSs can't stay surely on sofa etc. so they're still with their father over Christmas period. All this "I'm on the mortgage" seems to miss out the bit where SSs existed before the OP and are her husbands children.

This is a ridiculous situation as the 'children' are actually adults. But time and time again we hear that adults are still adhering to a visiting schedule, because (a) the ex insists on it; and (b) the 'children' have become almost brainwashed to believe that the schedule should still exist.

Cold!!! It's Christmas. They are still kids. Yikes

I don't get this 'it's Christmas so people can make do/sleep on the sofa/floor/share 5 to a bed to make room for everyone' attitude. No thanks. I like some calm in my house at Xmas. My SS(23) no longer stays here at Xmas as we don't have room for him any more and he has a perfectly good bedroom at his mum's 20 mins away. They're bloody adults!

Totally agree!

@Thelifeofawife I can't see where I said my own kids would be here? And even if they were, it's still different from having people sleeping on floors and sofas everywhere. I just don't get why they can't get in a taxi and go home to bed if they don't live far away. I haven't stayed at my own parents house since I left home 30 years ago!

“We don't have enough rooms if they all stay at once. They have rooms at their mum's so can stay there. I've got enough going on with 3 other kids, work until Friday, Christmas prep etc.”

So you’re basically saying that you have enough rooms but your DC and mum are there and you don’t see why you should accommodate your DH children.

You may not have stayed at your parents since you left home, but the difference is, your DH children haven’t left home.
Just because the dates have changed it’s not their fault, yet you’re going to make them feel like no one wants them around, they can’t stay at mums and can’t stay at dads; how would you feel if they were your children?! You’re putting your DH in a horrible position.

They may not be small but it’s not like they are 30 years old.