What's the obsession with maintenance?

[geckofrog]

This is the step parent board so I know it exists in most step parents life but almost every thread on here what ever it is is always answered with does he pay maintenance? Cms calculation is minimum.

Why do so many posters assume the partner of the stepparent ISN'T paying enough?

I agree with you op tbh.

I totally think the whole CSM is a fucking scandal and needs to be discussed.

But not on every single step parenting thread when op is asking for advice. It is used as a "well what do you expect your DSc don't clean their room,I bet their dad doesn't pay for them, what a brillant bloke op you must be desperate, you sound like a perfect match"

It's jarring tbh. It happens on every single thread.

I also don't like the whole well your just as bad being with a man like that, you should have known. And abuse doesn't work like that and also implicates mum because once upon a time she also chose him (because neither can be mystic Meg). Something that's missed and fucks me off. Hindsight is 20/20 and instead of compassion people get well you should have known ! Sadly these men don't wear a fucking sign and most people don't actually know the financial details of cms arrangement unless they ask for bank statements while dating.. I didn't and now I'm mum in this scenario with my ex.

The problem lies with the men who fucking don't pay adequately for their kids. That's solely on them.

We have got to stop passively or otherwise blaming for women for the issues, caused by men. Because while we are blaming sm, mum or whatever these fuckers are literally laughing.

Can anyone tell I hate a straw man argument ?

The fact that our own Government backs the idea that maintenance is simply “nappies and milk money” by basing the payments on over night stays is ridiculous. Being the main carer means that you cannot work 9-5 hours for years and years. Even when they are school age, they are off school a quarter of a year and need collecting or someone at home before and after school,
Being the main parent is not about a bit of money for food etc.
I know so many men that continue to work 9-5, do no appointments, holiday care etc but pay next to nothing because the kids stay there twice a week and every other weekend.

Loads of main parents do work FT. Even with babies. Lots of women just have to make it work with appointments and holidays and illnesses because they have no choice. And no help they don’t pay for.

It’s not helpful to say that primary carers simply cannot do this. Many do.

@InefficientProcess sorry I’m confused, was that for me?

I never said it cannot being done. It is being done by hundreds of thousands of women, including myself. Have worked full time since maternity ended and paid for all of the childcare / worked nights etc. All while the Dads life never changed and he paid a poxy 60 pounds a week.
I stopped accepting that 60 quid a few years ago. It’s an insult to suggest bringing up a child only costs £120 a week when you look at the cost of childcare or staying at home. Or consider the absolute torture of working nights then coming home to look after a baby.
No one’s going to pay me £60 and say they did their but, I’d rather hold my head up then accept that, don’t know why I ever did!

You literally said it cannot be done:

Being the main carer means that you cannot work 9-5 hours for years and years.

Although I don’t disagree that child maintenance is fucking absurd because it has nothing to do with the costs.

I work FT and have had to pay nursery fees to do so. Maintenance, however, gives no shits for the fact that DS’s father is benefitting just as much from this as I am. He couldn’t work if he had to look after a small child.

I think it becomes an issue on some threads when it's about money for Christmas presents and your helpful suggestion is that the mother should just earn more.

🤣🤣🤣

Well… if she wants more for her children… she will just have to earn more.

Especially if she’s expecting her ex’s wife to pay for the more.

Context is important.

The thread op started was because her teen DSc have asked Christmas presents 10 items roughly £100 each totally a £1000 - after mum selected what she would get from the kids original list and passed the list after leaving behind all the big ticket items saying dad would buy them

Which again actually isn't for op to solve because it's dad that needs to set the expectation.

But yer if I sent my ex a list of all the things my dd wanted and every item was a £100 big ticket item and I told her daddy would buy it. I imagine he would suggest for me to fuck off. Which tbh I think that would be fair

To be fair I'm suggesting why the query about maintained a is fair.

I don’t think it is in almost all cases.

Direct questions about whether he’s fulfilling his financial responsibilities to the children’s father. Not his partner/wife.

I'll never get my head around why the dad auto-routes to lacking in providing enough maintenance on here.

My experience, DH paid maintenance +++++ and when the ex wife asked for maintenance to be recalculated based on my high income the minute I stepped into the picture whilst her working 2 days a week when both kids were 12YO +, Mumsnet rallied on here and tried to ask me to itemise how much my husband paid and threw in the "you obviously resent those kids, you knew what you were getting into".

Strangely she went back to work full time the day that maintenance stopped.

@namechangnancy You have worded it better. It's not about the thread I've started. I've read others and it's jarring.

@Dollyparton3 I find it incredible. I genuinely cannot imagine thinking that my DS’s SM should be contributing to my household. The woman owes me nothing!

Nor does her existence change anything about what DS’s father should be contributing to his son’s primary household.

DS’s SM and everything about her life is simply none of my business. I am not the centre of the universe.

Unfortunately not everyone has their head screwed on like you @InefficientProcess

I feel like ‘head screwed on like InefficientProcess’ is a somewhat low bar. 🤣

I have been on MN and I joined because of family drama (nothing to do with my blended family) and I think I stumbled on threads in the step parenting area and I noticed a pattern.

It's jarring because most people come to MN for advice and support. Usually because they aren't in a good place or bored or both.
When the questions asked around CMS it's mostly asked not because the person wants to offer advice to a sp (constructive or not) because it is a blatant passive way of finding a reason to give a random stranger a kicking.

Once you spot it, you see it more and more and it's weird because in no other place could you do this without your words coming back to haunt you.

I think that people dislike this being called out are usually the ones doing the kicking and think it's ok. It's not.

I think most women actually agree that CMS
Is shit, and the anger is justified imo. But that anger isn't justified when it's coming at the person who isn't financially responsible for the lives they didn't create.

So I hang around mainly to remind myself how not to treat my dd sm, and not to fall into the very lazy argument of blaming a women for the problems caused by a man.

But I seem to be in the minority

You wouldn't get the same on any of the other bits of Mumsnet. It's like come kick a stepmum here sometimes

not to fall into the very lazy argument of blaming a women for the problems caused by a man.

exactly. It’s lazy and pernicious.

That is both outrageous and so sad for the DC involved.

I agrée that paying CM isn’t the step mother issue (well it is in some ways because it will impact finances in her family with the father for example).

However, there is something to say about the that not paying CM or not paying the bare minimum says a lot about the father and their attitude towards parenting.
It might be relevant on how he is dealing with his dcs. And who he is as a person. I’m thinking fir example that some women would not be involved with a man who doesn’t see his own dcs. Not a stepparent issue but a person issue iyswim

Thank you, I wish there were more of you in the world to up the % of mothers who don't have the step mum venom and entitlement!

This

I mean it shouldn't affect anything to do with the sm as if he's paying regularly and a set amount for years it's a bit like taxes it comes out without anyone needing to have conversation.

That said again while dating you have to take a blokes word that he's paying what he says, because most people don't ask for bank statements while dating. Also when it's at serious stage and you discuss moving in or whatever it's very much unlikely at this point a sp will be like well let's start fiddling with maintenance because his budget will be what it was pre the relationship in terms of income to spend.

Me and my ex have agreement which is if he needs to drop the money for whatever reason. Me and him have that chat, because it's between me and him and his responsibilities are his to manage and any faults he makes is done of his own accord.
I don't blame his wife, for being the person I know him to be way before they got together.

Basically shit dads, are gonna be shit dads, and women aren't there to train them or be used as handy excuses why he can't pay cms.

As for signs of a person your right, but your completely reliant on the dad to be telling the truth of situation and anyone can believe a good liar even mums. I did this and got burned but my lovely dd out of it which I don't regret. That doesn't mean I think his wife is stupid for not learning from my mistakes when she wasn't around to witness them. And that's what I witness on the step parenting board. People being unkind in a kinda gotcha/ you should have mystic meg kinda way.