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Original poster

What's the obsession with maintenance?

118 replies

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 12:39

This is the step parent board so I know it exists in most step parents life but almost every thread on here what ever it is is always answered with does he pay maintenance? Cms calculation is minimum.

Why do so many posters assume the partner of the stepparent ISN'T paying enough?

OP posts:
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Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:00

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 16/12/2023 12:58

It needs to be discussed and dealt with at the highest level.
It doesn't need to derail as many threads as it does.
"DH says I need to do all holiday childcare for DSS, AIBU to say no?"
"He's probably not paying enough CM. How much does he pay? Never mind, it's not enough, he needs to pay more"
Over and over again.
It's very tedious.

Exactly this! It is an issue sure. But it's not ALWAYS an issue

OP posts:
Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:01

TheShellBeach · 16/12/2023 15:00

Because in only 43% of cases is the right amount paid.

In other words, the majority of men don't pay it (or pay very little).

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43% isn't the majority

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 16/12/2023 15:02

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:01

43% isn't the majority

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Sigh.

The majority (57%) don't pay it or pay very little.

Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:03

BitOutOfPractice · 16/12/2023 14:58

Are you being contrary / obtuse on purpose op?

No. It really sucks when someone posts on here for help and then gets "I bet he doesn't pay maintenance or just pays the minimum isn't he a prince".

OP posts:
ginoohginoginelli · 16/12/2023 15:04

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 12:39

This is the step parent board so I know it exists in most step parents life but almost every thread on here what ever it is is always answered with does he pay maintenance? Cms calculation is minimum.

Why do so many posters assume the partner of the stepparent ISN'T paying enough?

It's relevant on your other thread as you seem to be quibbling over a £120 per year phone contract.

Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:04

TheShellBeach · 16/12/2023 15:02

Sigh.

The majority (57%) don't pay it or pay very little.

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Ah I see sorry

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 16/12/2023 15:04

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:03

No. It really sucks when someone posts on here for help and then gets "I bet he doesn't pay maintenance or just pays the minimum isn't he a prince".

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Why does that suck?
It's a likely scenario.

Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:04

ginoohginoginelli · 16/12/2023 15:04

It's relevant on your other thread as you seem to be quibbling over a £120 per year phone contract.

Show quote history

This isn't about my other thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:05

TheShellBeach · 16/12/2023 15:04

Why does that suck?
It's a likely scenario.

Edited
Show quote history

When it isn't the case it sucks that people's first thought is that it is the case

OP posts:
Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:05

Rocksonabeach · 16/12/2023 14:57

My ex paya CMS never a penny more for anything and he will do anything to reduce the payments. An extra night here or there adds them up eg won’t have him 9- 6 pm to spend time with him unless he can have him overnight. He diverts money into a pension above the expected rate and there’s nothing I can do.

When he was a baby - he never brought a nappy and the poor kids when without of mummy didn’t provide it. I didn’t provide a coat - he didn’t have one. Stayed in the same clothes all weekend.

I agree your ex is shit.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 16/12/2023 15:06

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:05

When it isn't the case it sucks that people's first thought is that it is the case

Show quote history

People's first thought is probably correct though, given the statistics.

gotomomo · 16/12/2023 15:08

The majority do not pay sufficient to cover 50% of raising their children! Even those who pay the cms calculated maintenance are not paying enough to support their kids with an alarming number taking cash in hand/self employment etc to avoid paying. National scandal as that means so often we taxpayers are raising those kids financially!

Those who are paying fair enough, many do but they don't make up the majority

Maudethecat · 16/12/2023 15:13

I think what the OP is saying, is that maintenance isn't the step-parents problem. If they're asking for advice about looking after their step children, then that's the advice they're looking for. Whether the partner pays maintenance is irrelevant to the step parents issue at hand.

Reugny · 16/12/2023 15:15

OP it is simply another stick to beat the step-mother with.

The original one is for someone to seemingly "innocently" ask the OP complaining about their DH/DP's behaviour whether they are the OW.

The next "innocent" posts are then to tell them their own children come last plus it is right and proper that siblings should detest their younger half-sibling(s). Though I may have helped stamp down on the second part of that last one.

Original poster
geckofrog · 16/12/2023 15:17

Maudethecat · 16/12/2023 15:13

I think what the OP is saying, is that maintenance isn't the step-parents problem. If they're asking for advice about looking after their step children, then that's the advice they're looking for. Whether the partner pays maintenance is irrelevant to the step parents issue at hand.

Yes! And the step parents who seek advice are the ones who care enough about their step kids so it's not a representative sample

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 16/12/2023 15:22

When I worked in HR I can’t tell you the number of blokes coming to me asking if they could reduce their hours so they could reduce their maintenance. Completely unashamedly.

Add to that the number of male colleagues who did pay and constantly moaned about it- and many of them were “every other weekend” parents!

AuContraire · 16/12/2023 15:23

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 14:56

But this is the step parent bit

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Because the step parent (step mother, usually) is usually posting to complain about the child's mother being 'unreasonable', and most posters think it's worth establishing how reasonable a father the OP's partner is being. Because the step children's mother is unlikely to be accommodating of you and the father's preferences if he's (as is USUALLY the case) not shouldering an adequate share of the costs of raising his children.

That's why.

Reugny · 16/12/2023 15:35

AuContraire · 16/12/2023 15:23

Because the step parent (step mother, usually) is usually posting to complain about the child's mother being 'unreasonable', and most posters think it's worth establishing how reasonable a father the OP's partner is being. Because the step children's mother is unlikely to be accommodating of you and the father's preferences if he's (as is USUALLY the case) not shouldering an adequate share of the costs of raising his children.

That's why.

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Maintenance is nothing to do with the step-mother as PPs have pointed out.

Also dissecting many step-mothers posts, whether the poster is an actual or de facto one, it is normally revealed the father is a shit.

This is can be in all aspects by using the OP as a skivvy, or emotionally abusing the OP including by simply not putting in appropriate boundaries.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 16/12/2023 15:40

Rocksonabeach · 16/12/2023 14:57

My ex paya CMS never a penny more for anything and he will do anything to reduce the payments. An extra night here or there adds them up eg won’t have him 9- 6 pm to spend time with him unless he can have him overnight. He diverts money into a pension above the expected rate and there’s nothing I can do.

When he was a baby - he never brought a nappy and the poor kids when without of mummy didn’t provide it. I didn’t provide a coat - he didn’t have one. Stayed in the same clothes all weekend.

This sounds like neglect. I'd seriously question the arrangement.

AuContraire · 16/12/2023 16:00

Maintenance is nothing to do with the step-mother as PPs have pointed out.

Well, it's not nothing to do with the stwp mother. The step mother isn't the one with a (supposedly) legal obligation to pay it, but if you are partnering with a man who isn't paying adequate maintenance for his already-existing children, then you're not a good judge of character and everything the SDC's mother does that offends or upsets you needs to be viewed through the prism of your partner (and, perhaps, you, if you're happy with this position) being a shit father.

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 16:06

It’s that so many posters main aim on step parenting threads is to try to find a way to blame the SM no matter what.

A SM could post anything at all and some posters will ask:

  • whether he pays maintenance and whether he’s paying more than he needs to
  • whether she was the OW.
The assumption is that he isn’t paying maintenance and that she’s a dreadful hussy who ‘broke up a family’.

Those posters are not interested in the actual problem or the OP’s circumstances. They just want to find a pretext for having a go.

Alohapotato · 16/12/2023 16:07

Rocksonabeach · 16/12/2023 14:57

My ex paya CMS never a penny more for anything and he will do anything to reduce the payments. An extra night here or there adds them up eg won’t have him 9- 6 pm to spend time with him unless he can have him overnight. He diverts money into a pension above the expected rate and there’s nothing I can do.

When he was a baby - he never brought a nappy and the poor kids when without of mummy didn’t provide it. I didn’t provide a coat - he didn’t have one. Stayed in the same clothes all weekend.

Same here :-(

WorriedMum231 · 16/12/2023 16:10

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 12:42

But why assume the parent in every single thread isn't. Some parents don't try and short change their kids.

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Asking a question isn’t assuming.

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 16:12

WorriedMum231 · 16/12/2023 16:10

Asking a question isn’t assuming.

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It is passive aggressive behaviour based on the assumption that he wont be paying enough maintenance. It’s a very pointed question and usually totally irrelevant to the OP’s problem.

WorriedMum231 · 16/12/2023 16:16

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 16:12

It is passive aggressive behaviour based on the assumption that he wont be paying enough maintenance. It’s a very pointed question and usually totally irrelevant to the OP’s problem.

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Would depend on the nature of the thread.