Do I invite DSD's Mum for Christmas?

[BTTH]

DSD is in her late teens and lives with us. Her Mum is incredibly problematic.

The expectation was that DSD would go to Country X with her Mum this year to spend Christmas with their extended family.

When I say "the expectation was" we intentionally didn't make plans to go to my home country (Country Y) to spend Christmas with my family, we decided to stay in the UK and host DH's family here. DH's parents live in the UK but are also from Country Y, DH has family there, we have a place there, so we could have hosted everyone there but we chose to stay here so that DSD was "hedged".

It's now looking like there will be no trip to Country X. DSD can probably cope with her Mum for an hour or two, but not much longer. She will, however, worry about her a lot if her Mum is home alone at Christmas.

So, do I say to her that she can invite her Mum here?

DFiL can definitely be relied on to be polite to her Mum.

DMiL can probably be relied upon (early stages of dementia).

DSiL will be stone cold. She witnessed the abuse of her brother first hand. In front of DSD it's always "your Mum?" but if DSD isn't within earshot she only refers to her as "that " where the expletives are interchangeable (from a woman who doesn't use expletives normally).

DH would cope fine (but be totally against the idea from the outset).

I am absolutely clear that I don't want this woman in my house, I don't want her anywhere near us, but I also don't want DSD spending Christmas day worrying about her Mum.

I guess I'm asking if I should offer - while desperately hoping (and expecting) DSD says no? Or should I just leave it? If she says "yes" I'll cope, everyone "on our side" will cope.

Has anyone any experience on this that they can share?

No. Why should everyone else have a shit day?

No. She should reap what she sows. DSC can come home wherever they want if their DM is being ‘problematic’

No-one should have to suffer her.

It sounds like your home is your DSD’s escape from her mother. I wouldn’t change that.

No. More people will be upset, and it isn't nice for your DSD to see everyone upset cos of her Mum (and by extension, her). Talk to your DSD well in advance about whether she would like to pop round to her Mum's for an hour or so in the morning, or meet her in the park for a walk and a pressie swap, and see how that could be facilitated. Get it over and done with early in the day. Your DSD might not want to see her at all. She is in her late teens, she doesn't need protecting from the reality of how her Mum's past behaviour has hurt people any more.

No, don’t offer because it doesn’t sound like DSD would want her mum to come to yours but might feel she has to offer the option to her mum if you have offered it to her, iyswim. The option of morning cuppa or walk with her mum sound more suitable.

No, but perhaps encourage DSD to facetime/teams her at somepoint

Because DSD will feel like it's her burden to bear alone. Which in one sense it is. But she's still a[n older] kid who loves her Mum yet her Mum is very problematic (for her more than for the rest of us).

Hell no! Can’t believe you’d even consider it.

your life does not, and should not, revolve around the ex and the step kids.

As DSD becomes older and more of an adult, she is going to have to develop her own boundaries with her Mum (as I am assuming that when she was younger you and her Dad put the boundaries in place to protect her) If she doesnt develop her own boundaries she is likely to end up struggling with managing her adult relationship with her Mum and may end up just being a doormat to her (not healthy obviously).

This is a great opportunity to help DSD acknowledge and internalise that there isnt a perfect solution here, to look at the problem from everyone's perspective and decide on what is the right thing to do for the majority of the people involved and not just the person who creates the most drama/tugs on her heart strings the most. Hopefully practicing this process with your help will develop this skill in her so she can operate it independently when she is 25, 45 and so on (and you and DH are no longer in her day to day life)

She needs a safe place from her mother.

It’s also important to model to her that she doesn’t always have to cede to her Mum. It’ll take her time to realise that and it’ll be incredibly hard for her, but its an important lesson.

Has she asked for this or given any suggestion she might want it? She may find the idea of her mum in her safe space horrifying.

That's one of the problems. DSD could agree to meet her Mum for a walk at 10.00 which would then become 10.30, then 11.00, then 11.30 and so on up until 14.30 when her grandparents arriving at 15.00 created a "hard stop". Her Mum would then blame her for "refusing to see her poor Mum on Christmas Day" notwithstanding that our dinner was scheduled for 7 hours after her initial plans with her Mum.

That level of manipulation makes it even more important that your DSD is shown and told by her Dad and you that having boundaries is absolutely fine and her mum is making her own choices to be difficult.

Teaching her to given in to a manipulative person isn’t a good life lesson.

I don't think I'm doing the "reply" thing correctly but several of you have mentioned that here might be her safe space that her Mum doesn't enter, and that by extending an invite I might cause her to feel she had to invite her Mum. That's a very valid point. Thank you.

Boundaries are important, and if she did abuse your DH, I don’t think you should show DSD that a victim of abuse has to ‘put up with’ their abuser to make sure the abuser/other people are happy.
perhaps you/DH could have a conversation with DSD before Christmas and see how she feels, maybe help her set her expectations, and what she can do if her mum tries to manipulate her, so she’s empowered to deal with it a little better. She’s going to feel guilty and manipulated all her life so she may as well begin learning how to handle it rather than pander to it. It is really difficult though

Really kind of you to think of dd. But i think it will be better for everyone including dd not to bother. Teaching her to set boundaries and not feel guilt about her mothers situation or trying to solve her problems is important.

If dd organises morning visit help her deal with plans being pushed back. "Hi Mum, I can't make it after 2pm will catch up with you tomorrow" then mute or block if any guilty messages. I think learning it is ok to do that is more important than inviting mum at the expense of everyone as dd feels obligated (although the intention you have is very kind).

I think you sound lovely. I’d speak to my husband about the idea, but only that the decision will be his daughters, then ask your step daughter, if she wants ti invite her mum.

Her mother will be alone at Xmas. Very few kids are ever going to be good with that.

No. Everyone's Christmas will be ruined by the sounds of it. Dsd can keep in touch with her periodically if she wants

If your primary worry is for DSD's happiness, then I think the person you most need to communicate with is DSD.
Be open, transparent, clear and supportive:
"I realise that we all had some expectation you'd see your mum's family this year. I'm sorry that didn't work out. How are you feeling about it? On some level I'm feeling worried that you'll be worried on the day about making plans with your mum, especially if she is late or unreliable. Is that something that you're worried about at all? What would your best version of Xmas day look like? Is there anything me and your dad can do to support you having a lovely day and not feeling worried about your mum?"
Your heart may well be in the right place, but ultimately you risk making the situation worse not better by trying to "fix" her day without first asking her what she wants.

îShe could arrange to meet her late in the day for an hour so that most of your plans for the day have already taken place.
Some great advice her about helping your DSC to handle her mum and not to feel guilty about it.
You seem really nice and considerate but I would take a massive step back and don’t dream of inviting someone who is going to creat havoc for everyone especially your DSC.

Absolute NO to bringing this woman into your home. Why should everyone else tiptoe around someone who is clearly difficult? She's aline because she chose not to go the country X. Her choice, her consequences. If you'd decided to go to country Y as originally planned, she'd be on her own, wouldn't she?

Not your problem.

You need to help DSD to develop her boundaries with her mother. Inviting her mother for Xmas, upsetting everyone isn't helping with this.

It is also modelling that it is ok for someone (in this case your DH) to have to suck it up and interact with their abuser. You really don't want to do that!

I think so many are missing the point. The op has said the girl will be worried about her mother being alone on Xmas day. That’s a fairly normal worry, it isn’t about boundaries, no one should be teaching someone there boundary is not to give a fuck about a parent on Xmas day.

Get a last minute flight to country y for you all on basis mum has changed plan?

Other than that protect the home. Might work inviting her with a small child, but that a huge worry for a teen.

Suggest a walk at say 9 or 3 and work round that.

To be fair I'd like more than anything to teach her to not GAF about her Mum. Because if I could do that the emotional abuse would stop hurting her. But I can't. She knows her Mum is an abuser. She loves her Mum. This is the line we try to walk to mitigate the damage to DSD.