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Original poster

Do I invite DSD's Mum for Christmas?

62 replies

BTTH · 05/12/2023 11:38

DSD is in her late teens and lives with us. Her Mum is incredibly problematic.

The expectation was that DSD would go to Country X with her Mum this year to spend Christmas with their extended family.

When I say "the expectation was" we intentionally didn't make plans to go to my home country (Country Y) to spend Christmas with my family, we decided to stay in the UK and host DH's family here. DH's parents live in the UK but are also from Country Y, DH has family there, we have a place there, so we could have hosted everyone there but we chose to stay here so that DSD was "hedged".

It's now looking like there will be no trip to Country X. DSD can probably cope with her Mum for an hour or two, but not much longer. She will, however, worry about her a lot if her Mum is home alone at Christmas.

So, do I say to her that she can invite her Mum here?

DFiL can definitely be relied on to be polite to her Mum.

DMiL can probably be relied upon (early stages of dementia).

DSiL will be stone cold. She witnessed the abuse of her brother first hand. In front of DSD it's always "your Mum?" but if DSD isn't within earshot she only refers to her as "that " where the expletives are interchangeable (from a woman who doesn't use expletives normally).

DH would cope fine (but be totally against the idea from the outset).

I am absolutely clear that I don't want this woman in my house, I don't want her anywhere near us, but I also don't want DSD spending Christmas day worrying about her Mum.

I guess I'm asking if I should offer - while desperately hoping (and expecting) DSD says no? Or should I just leave it? If she says "yes" I'll cope, everyone "on our side" will cope.

Has anyone any experience on this that they can share?

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YetMoreNewBeginnings · 05/12/2023 12:57

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 12:34

I think so many are missing the point. The op has said the girl will be worried about her mother being alone on Xmas day. That’s a fairly normal worry, it isn’t about boundaries, no one should be teaching someone there boundary is not to give a fuck about a parent on Xmas day.

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Teaching her that it's ok to have boundaries such as seeing Mum early in the day and being at home later isn't remotely teaching her not to give a fuck about a parent on Xmas Day.

It's helping enforce that whilst she is worried about leaving her Mum alone at points of the day it's still ok to do so when this is because of her mother's choices.

Bringing her mother into her safe space at home, letting her inevitably negatively impact on everyone's day is encouraging the DSD to feel like she has to put her mother first all of the time. She doesn't. She's allowed to put herself first and that will be one of the hardest things for her to learn with an abusive parent.

Vuurhoutjies · 05/12/2023 12:58

I can only offer a thought from the other side - we have NOT invited exBIL for Christmas this year. In previous years, we have sucked it up but due to even more poor behaviour from him, this year we have drawn a line. Also, SIL's DC are younger which makes the below suggestion a bit easier as SIL is in charge...

.... Basically, SIL has invited exBIL to her house for Christmas Eve. They will be having a small celebration at her house and he will be staying over. They will open presents in the morning at her house. They will then ALL leave and she will come to ours with her DC.

It sounds like a morning event would not work as your DSD would find it difficult to extricate herself. Can you suggest a Christmas Eve event for DSD and her mother, and possibly even something you facilitate - eg they go out for a meal and you pay (or even attend, if that would be appropriate)? Then DSD returns home, even if it's late on Christmas Eve, and has Christmas with her dad and you and the extended family?

Rjahdhdvd · 05/12/2023 12:59

No, no and no. By inviting her mum you are guaranteeing an awful day for you all including your DSD, if you don’t invite her then your DSD will worry but there’s no solution here that solves it for your DSD as inviting her will not make your DSD have a nice day. It’s good to teach your DSD that she can have boundaries with her mum and not feel that as an adult she needs to do this kind of thing.

Beautiful3 · 05/12/2023 13:01

No I wouldn't because it's not a healthy relationship. She. She can see her on boxing day.

Original poster
BTTH · 05/12/2023 13:08

Although her Mum's family live in Country X they're from Country Z. Christmas Eve is the big night for Country Z (but not for us from Country Y). It's totally up to DSD if she spends Christmas Eve with her Mum. I imagine it will be too stressful.

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 05/12/2023 13:13

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 12:15

Her mother will be alone at Xmas. Very few kids are ever going to be good with that.

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@Getthethrowonthesofa I don't expect she will be ok with it. She should be supported to realise that it is not her fault mother is alone or her responsibility to fix it.

Offering to visit in Christmas morn or Christmas eve is ok and if mother pushes back the Christmas morn visit and it becomes not possible that is her choice. And if mum sends guilt trips via message it is ok (and probably best) to ignore.

autienotnaughty · 05/12/2023 13:16

I'd offer to take her round for an hour on Xmas day. Say drop off at 11 pick up at 12. But at her house so she can't dick about with the arrangement. Prewarn dsd that if she changes time it may not be possible but that's up to her mum.

Original poster
BTTH · 05/12/2023 13:25

This happens all of the time. Her mother can't stop herself. On the one hand I desperately want DH to just tell DSD "I will drive you if it's between A & B pm, not afterwards" but on the other no kid should be dealing with "I'll commit suicide if you don't come back and live with me" without their other parent on hand to tell them they're okay, they're a good kid, and the problem isn't them, it's their other parent.

OP posts:
Grimbelina · 05/12/2023 13:37

Getthethrowonthesofa I stand by what I wrote. DSD might not be be able to understand now why having boundaries with her mother are important but in the future she may well do... and she will need family showing her this is how you have them. It has nothing to do with not giving a fuck if the mother is alone or not... abusers unfortunately have to face the consequences of their actions.

NotEvenThought · 05/12/2023 14:15

Can't you just talk it through with your DSD, if she is late teens then she needs to being given the chance to give her opinions about what she wants to happens. Deciding what is best for her might not help.

Is there a potential third option of meeting somewhere more neutral.

Original poster
BTTH · 05/12/2023 14:28

I don't see it. If we offer for DH to bring DSD to "the park" at 12.00 we know that her mother will shift it by quarter or half hour increments until DSD cancels because it conflicts with our dinner at 15.00.

It's possible DSD will go to her Mum for the day, but then the "you're the worst child in the world" thing will get too much so she will call her Dad to fetch her, then beat herself up for spoiling our Christmas by calling her Dad away.

There's no good options here, we're looking for the least bad option.

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 05/12/2023 14:48

BTTH · 05/12/2023 14:28

I don't see it. If we offer for DH to bring DSD to "the park" at 12.00 we know that her mother will shift it by quarter or half hour increments until DSD cancels because it conflicts with our dinner at 15.00.

It's possible DSD will go to her Mum for the day, but then the "you're the worst child in the world" thing will get too much so she will call her Dad to fetch her, then beat herself up for spoiling our Christmas by calling her Dad away.

There's no good options here, we're looking for the least bad option.

The least bad option is the first one. Or a similar arrangement to see her mother in the morning.

Whilst it's horrible the decision to make it a nightmare will be her mothers and in time your DSD will be able to see that she tried, and you and your DH tried, but her mother wouldn't be happy no matter what you did so that's the least worst option.

Inviting her mother into your home, your DSD's safe space, means she's got no phone call to get away, no escape.

Having an abusive parent is shit, and it'll probably take your DSD many years to find the strength to think "she's going to complain and ruin it anyway so I might as well do what suits me best", but she'll get there in time.

mondaytosunday · 05/12/2023 14:50

No. Ir sounds like a recipe for a awkward day. Surely she has other friends she can spend the day with?

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/12/2023 14:50

No. Your home needs to stay a safe place for your step-daughter.

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/12/2023 14:51

No. Your home needs to stay a safe place for your step-daughter.

caringcarer · 05/12/2023 15:14

After your updates I'd say no. It's not appropriate. I'd suggest she facetime your DD for 15 or 20 minutes leaving her to decide the time whenever she pleases. That way you take away her changing the time several times. As long as your DD has her phone with her it wouldn't matter if say you were all out for a walk.

Gall10 · 05/12/2023 15:22

All these abbreviations DMHI!

MeridianB · 05/12/2023 16:20

SeaToSki · 05/12/2023 12:02

As DSD becomes older and more of an adult, she is going to have to develop her own boundaries with her Mum (as I am assuming that when she was younger you and her Dad put the boundaries in place to protect her) If she doesnt develop her own boundaries she is likely to end up struggling with managing her adult relationship with her Mum and may end up just being a doormat to her (not healthy obviously).

This is a great opportunity to help DSD acknowledge and internalise that there isnt a perfect solution here, to look at the problem from everyone's perspective and decide on what is the right thing to do for the majority of the people involved and not just the person who creates the most drama/tugs on her heart strings the most. Hopefully practicing this process with your help will develop this skill in her so she can operate it independently when she is 25, 45 and so on (and you and DH are no longer in her day to day life)

This. I admire you for even considering hosting the ex but I agree with the post above that DSD is at an age where you need to help her cope with transition rather than displace everything by including her mother.

And I don’t think your DH should have his abuser in the house. Poor guy.

That’s before you get onto the rest of the family having a miserable time. Talk to DSD about feelings and boundaries rather than enabling.

DuckyShincracker · 05/12/2023 17:10

How can you expect your Xmas day to go smoothly? It's a going to kick off especially if alcohol is consumed. You need to create a stable space for your DSD. That means keeping her unstable mother out. You cannot make this right you can only mitigate the damage by being as stable as possible for DSD.

Crababbles · 06/12/2023 11:01

No, obviously not. Nobody wants her there including SD. Give your SD a pleasant time and a safe haven from her.

Starseeking · 07/12/2023 21:51

There's no way you should ever invite the mother into your home; if she decides she doesn't want to leave after x number of hours you'd be stuck with her.

It's not fair on any of you to have your Christmas ruined. I'd agree for DSD to go and see her DM in the morning, and an agreed time for you to collect her, unless she calls you earlier than that. Firm boundaries are what you need to teach your DSD.

carly2803 · 07/12/2023 22:01

no chance

why cant DSD go to her mums for an hour or two?

just because its christmas does not mean you bring trouble into your house

SkaneTos · 07/12/2023 22:18

Perhaps your stepdaughter's mother can arrange to be with friends on Christmas instead? Then she won't be alone.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/12/2023 22:33

If dsd wants to see her mum wouldn't she go round to hers to see her? Or does she live very far away?

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/12/2023 06:09

Her mum sounds so manipulative that, although she might say she's going to spend the day on her own, she probably won't. Does she have a problem with alcohol? If so she'll probably spend the day in the pub.