Do I invite DSD's Mum for Christmas?

[BTTH]

DSD is in her late teens and lives with us. Her Mum is incredibly problematic.

The expectation was that DSD would go to Country X with her Mum this year to spend Christmas with their extended family.

When I say "the expectation was" we intentionally didn't make plans to go to my home country (Country Y) to spend Christmas with my family, we decided to stay in the UK and host DH's family here. DH's parents live in the UK but are also from Country Y, DH has family there, we have a place there, so we could have hosted everyone there but we chose to stay here so that DSD was "hedged".

It's now looking like there will be no trip to Country X. DSD can probably cope with her Mum for an hour or two, but not much longer. She will, however, worry about her a lot if her Mum is home alone at Christmas.

So, do I say to her that she can invite her Mum here?

DFiL can definitely be relied on to be polite to her Mum.

DMiL can probably be relied upon (early stages of dementia).

DSiL will be stone cold. She witnessed the abuse of her brother first hand. In front of DSD it's always "your Mum?" but if DSD isn't within earshot she only refers to her as "that " where the expletives are interchangeable (from a woman who doesn't use expletives normally).

DH would cope fine (but be totally against the idea from the outset).

I am absolutely clear that I don't want this woman in my house, I don't want her anywhere near us, but I also don't want DSD spending Christmas day worrying about her Mum.

I guess I'm asking if I should offer - while desperately hoping (and expecting) DSD says no? Or should I just leave it? If she says "yes" I'll cope, everyone "on our side" will cope.

Has anyone any experience on this that they can share?

"We're going to "the park" for a walk between 11-12 on Christmas day. We'd love you to join us"

She knows where, she knows when, you/DH/whoever can be there to support DSD, pre arranged time takes any decision making out if DSDs hands if her mum decides to try and alter timings. If she doesn't show, that's on her, not DSD.

Ultimately though you need to have the discussion with DSD. I had a similar relationship with my mother and would already be worrying about this by now.

I can't see how old DSD is?

So for this post I am imagining she is a young child

If her Mother's family celebrated on Christmas Eve

Christmas Day is not her day for expecting to celebrate

It is all the mother's fault not the DSD

If her timekeeping is dreadful and very controlling of other people's time she would ruin any Christmas Day meals anyway so does not get to control anytime on Christmas Day IMHO

If you wanted to compromise a bit say to DSD how about you Skype her on Christmas Eve or even meet up for a walk somewhere neutral but only at X time not a varied time that mother can change or alter

If DSD is a teenager the plans for Christmas Eve should have more input from her

I agree with PP your home is a safe place from the mother so she doesn't step inside the house

‘Late teens’, the OP says.

Completely heartless to the OPs step child.

Oh yes sorry OP I didn't read your OP properly

In that case then DSD gets to decide if she wants to Skype or meet up BUT on Christmas Eve so Christmas Day isn't ruined for everyone

Plus it gives some control to DSD rather than it all being what this abusive person says is going to happen and when

Again, because as ever, MN ONLY ever care about the step child.

there are other people to consider in this.

I think if DSD feels like it then spend some of Christmas Eve with mum and Christmas Day with you. Conveniently the two cultures nakes this easier to justify. IF she wants to then pop over to her house for an hour in the morning, then the delaying tactic won't work, pick her up at 12. Practice grey rock technique with DSD.

'Yes it is unfortunate I can't be here but we had a nice time together last night and it is Dad's turn now.'

Perhaps suggest that Christmas lunch is a phone free zone so she doesn't feel she needs to be checking it.

@Youcannotbeseriousreally really appropriate username btw. No one is saying that no one else in a family matters you're the only one who's been talking about reducing the importance of people other than step parents feelings. Of course Op is going to worry about her SD, I still think your comment with the disregard for the SD was heartless

No.

Your husband shouldn't have to spend the day with his abuser......just drop off step dd there for an hour or so. It will be fine.

I think you are missing the point.

The DSD needs to be supported to set the boundary that she’s not emotionally responsible for her mother.

Her mother will let her down and then make DSD feel bad for having a meal with her extended family. She clearly needs help to set boundaries around that kind of behaviour so she can recognise that none of this is her fault or because of anything about her. It’s all on her mother.

@BTTH I agree with the others that your home should be a safe space away from her mother’s issues. I do think it would be good to help DSD to timebox the invitation to go for a walk with her mother. It would be useful for her to really learn that it’s ok to say ‘I would love to see you for a walk on Christmas Day. I am available between 10 and 1. If you aren’t able to make it in that window, then I will try to make plans with you for another day instead’.

And to help her to recognise that she may need to block her mother for the rest of the day if she doesn’t show up in the window. She is not ‘the worst daughter in the world’ and it is healthy to protect herself from this kind of abuse and manipulation.

She will need to learn that it’s possible to love a parent but to recognise that they are dysfunctional and you need to protect yourself from that.

I really regret inviting DSD mum in similar circumstances. Not so much what she did on the day but more that she most certainly didn't repay the gesture afterwards in anyway (even just by eg being more respectful) and continued to behave appallingly so it felt like we sacrificed a chunk of our day for someone who doesn't care in the slightest in the reverse

I agree that the best thing is for DSD to see her Mum in the morning. Have her dropped off and picked up from near her Mum's home where she can walk out and meet you. Don't be reliant on Mum for transport.
Along with her gift to Mum, help your DSD make up a Christmas hamper of some nice things to eat while she is alone. Your place is the safe house so Mum shouldn't be admitted.