Not relishing DSS returning from uni

[Myfirstcarwasamini]

He is returning mid December and will be here until the end of January. I appreciate it is for a limited time but he is shockingly lazy and a bit of a slob. Prior to him leaving for uni, I did not clean his room or bathroom and left it to my DH to do. (I've lived with my DH and DSS for 10 years). DH jumps about him like a gazelle, serving his every need like a butler so I am fully aware of why he does not have the first clue about helping out as he has never been required to.

My issue is that I have found life to be so much less stressful with him not here, not having to suppress the frustration at the amount of debris he leaves all over the place. Also whilst I admire and am happy for them both that they have such a close relationship sometimes the level of fawning and admiration that my DH has for his DS makes me feel a bit ick. I've tried to analyse myself as to whether it's jealousy - but I don't feel it is - my DH never makes me feel left out. It really is that it's a bit ick and I'm embarrassed by it sometimes if I'm honest.

I am already beginning to feel anxiety and trepidation that I will not be able to hide my feelings. I have considered that once he is back for a few days and the old patterns have returned speaking to him on a 1:1 basis asking for him to contribute to keeping the place tidy by not leaving all his stuff all over the house, not eating in his room etc. Please change your bed once a week and put your bedding in the machine etc.

I'm already planning to keep myself busy with different activities during January so that I limit the amount of time where I need to go out of the room because he is lying all over the furniture with his GF and they are basically eating all the food and leaving a trail of mess behind them.

Any suggestions as to how I can get my head around this to feel less stressed about it?

Maybe venting all this might help in itself? I hope so. He also has atrocious table manners and I'm easily put off my food if I have to sit with someone who constantly snorts, blows their nose at the table or talks toilet habits.

Thanks for reading. I'm open to suggestions or even someone just saying get over yourself.

Do you have any children of your own OP? Only asking because I’ll confess to being a bit ridiculous over my kids when they come home from uni for a few weeks and I’m sure me and your DH can’t be the only ones. I think it’s just that kids who you’ve looked after for 18 years moving out has a big impact on a loving parent and knowing they’re going to be gone for good at some point in the near future makes it significantly easier to tolerate their bad habits. If anything, I find it weird that you think it’s icky.

If there’s stress involved, then it’s in your head so it’s you that has to solve the problem. Venting about it to friends and on here will probably help like you say, but also put it into perspective because it’s not long and your countdown until his return to university will be a short one.

Im with you on the table manners though. That’s gross.

Hi thanks for replying - I appreciate it. Yes I have my own DS but he has his own place now & we too are very close so I totally get the closeness bond. You're right it's in my head & I have to deal with it. I know that. It's possibly the table manners thing mainly as I've really enjoyed me and my DH eating what we want to eat and it just being the two of us when we'd never had that before he left.

Obviously your DH loves his DS and is happy to have him home but you've still got a couple of weeks to gently put your point of view across, saying your DSS grosses you out over dinner won't go down very well but you can work on the other things. Can't you have a chat about how grown up his DS is now, how he's not a child anymore and your DH needs to help him be a responsible adult so he'll get on in life? Much as you're bulking at the idea of 6 weeks with a teenaged slob you need to put the right slant on it Op, less critical and more encouraging or by the time your DSS goes back to Uni you and your DH wn't be speaking😂

You might find he’s actually matured a bit after being independent at uni!

It's ok I wouldn't be critical - I've had 10 years of keeping it zipped as in a blended family that's what you have to do. I'm very mindful that everything to do with step kids has to be addressed in the right way. I've always vowed to myself that I didn't want myself and my DH to argue about our respective offspring. I've turned a blind eye a lot and had a lot of patience which takes up a lot of energy.

Unfortunately I know DSS hasn't got much better as he told me he was outed on the flat WhatsApp for leaving his dirty dishes and pots blocking the sink for his flatmates. I'm not holding out much hope!!

It's good just to vent here in a safe place & get it off my chest.

I sympathise - I used to feel like this when eldest SS came back in the holidays. You need your DH to set some basic ground rules for him cleaning up after himself and doing jobs around the house.

Will he be spending any time at his mum's so that you get a break?

Your DH needs to step up here and set some ground rules. DSS is doing this because he has allowed it to happen.

It is because he's never had to do a thing for himself. My DH idolises him & he has been treated like a little emperor so it would be a difficult convo with DH as he will only be focussing on the treat for him having him home with him & I totally get that but equally I actually feel I have fulfilled my role in looking after him with DH & he needs to step up when he's here as an additional adult in the house.

He will be spending some time with his mum prior to Xmas but with us again from Boxing Day till end Jan 😳

He's not doing him any favours running round and doing everything for him though. He needs to learn life skills. His housemates/future wife will thank you for it.

Full sympathies OP.

Same with 20 yr old SD. She is bone idle, expects everything to be done for her, her hygiene is poor and she wants EVERYTHING to be about her ALL OF THE TIME. She hates sharing her Dad with anyone.
The last few months she has been at university have been so chilled and utter bliss.

@LemonLimeDivine my sympathies to you - perhaps we need to start a support thread during the long weeks ahead!! I think perhaps the SD relationship dynamic is possibly even harder in these circumstances especially if she is close to DF. I've already started to organise activities for myself that can give me a break from being at home - is this something you could do to get a break too?

Possibly. DH and I have young children together and they will be excited to see their older half sister (even though she talks to them like utter shite sometimes - the main source of arguments between DH and I).
It will be a balance between spending enough time around her to be polite but not so much that I’m stressed to the hilt. It’s such a balancing act.

He's an adult so I don't personally think you can really ban him from eating in his room or insist he has to put his sheets in the wash once a week. Fair enough to ask that he pitches in with other chores while he's back though, and doesn't leave a mess downstairs.

I can totally see why you're not looking forward to having him back though!

Could you have a good long talk with DH and agree that anything left in the common area, including dirty dishes, get deposited on DSS' bed? That or binned.

Harder to tackle the table manners I'm afraid. Although you could legitimately discuss how to assure some couple time for the two of you. Or even mix it up more. Have your son around more regularly? Friends?

Thanks @GrumpyPanda - good suggestions. I've decided anything left downstairs will be deposited on his bed. I'm just going to keep busy. I'm hoping he'll find the night life back home very dull & will want to return early to uni !! Here's hoping. I will also be making time to see my DS at his place as another escape venue !!

Her house, her rules.

It is all about planning.

Set up your bedroom so you are comfortable there.
Eat out or at lunch time.

Tell your husband that you will let them organise their own food/shopping, as you intend to do a healthy january ..yada yada.

Gathering everything and returning it to his room is the best idea, dumped on.his bed, communicate this cheerfully to your husband.

The key thing is to start as you mean to go, so absolutely no expectation of you providing any meals for his stay.

Hand it completely over to your husband.
This will free up your evenings and weekends completely

Have you several friends you could arrange a weekly night with during the month and of course visiting and perhaps staying over with your son.

Arrange a couple of cheap January trips to hotels.

Facilitate them having lots of 1 on 1.

"Her house, her rules."

Except it's his home too. Washing bedding once a week is excessive.

Honestly if my stuff had to contained in my room lest it be unceremoniously dumped back up there, I'd feel like I was being rejected from the family.

I think you have to either use your words, allbeit gently or try to tackle this as a couple. Give him chores but imo not related to his bedroom and not related to removing traces of his presence. Clearing dishes etc/ washing up. Many people would do a few loads of laundry for them coming home though.

He's coming home for his first Christmas after living away, I would tread carefully making him feel like it's not his home anymore and you'd prefer no trace of him. I think that's the quickest route ti more stress for all concerned.

I can understand you being fed up your space is going to invaded again, but I think you need to pick your battles.

Why does he have to change his bedding every week? He’s an adult and probably doesn’t at university. With regards to washing up-can’t you do a ‘I’ll cook, you two wash up’ system?

Blowing his nose and snorting constantly whilst eating-I have never met anyone like that before! Seriously? Is he ill? Has his girlfriend not said anything? Adenoids problems!?

"Washing bedding once a week is excessive"

?!

It's the bare minimum @booksandbrooks - how often do you wash your sheets?!

What is the background, where is his Mum? the single parents I have known have got to that place by varying routes some of which have been traumatic.

Some people do spoil their children and some don’t but sometimes when there is a reason that makes it easier to understand.

There have been multiple MN threads on beds, there is no normal! However once per week was at the more excessive end of the scale.

Perhaps try and look on the positive that having him for a month means not having him for the next two? He doesn't sound a bad kid, just a bit lazy and needs to be told what to do.

All my children take daily showers, sometimes twice🙄, so bed sheets being on for a fortnight in the depths of winter is absolute fine for me. I change a pillow case weekly during this period which is suffice.

During the depths of winter I don't go looking for mounds of washing.
We all have double beds.
They are welcome to change them though themselves.....like that's going to happen🙄😄.

www.abebooks.co.uk/9781845434465/Household-Management-Men-Groundbreaking-Guide-1845434463/plp
This book for Christmas.
Tell him it's not just for men, but this is how adults live!

Her house, her rules.

Not the dads house then? Or the DSS's home?